Pedophilia

[Schillaci]

Hi everybody,

I have been very hesitant to confide the disorder that brought me here. But seeing the amount of pedophilia related threads on the front page makes me think that I'm at the right place with this one.

I am a pedophile. Exclusive. Homosexual. Standard age range (about 7-15yo). I've been through the pedophile delirium, which demolished my self-confidence, but fortunately I have never hurt any children.

There's not really much I want to tell about it, other than that it has wrecked and continues to wreck my life. I don't feel human anymore. I feel like a self-conscious virus.

I tried the therapy route, drugs, I met and tried to learn from other pedophiles, I have studied psychology, spiritual development etc... but it seems that living with exclusive pedophilia boils down to coping with chronic depression, which is where I'm focusing my energy on now. I wish I could be finally truly done with the pedophilia itself and move on, but I don't think I can really ever truly be done with an illness that affects such important parts of my psyche. It'll be a lifelong torture.

Lately I've been descending to the depths of self-harm and homicidal tendencies, but they're a pleasant change of scenery, really. Swapping one unsatisfiable desire for the other. And feeling like a potential serial killer is slightly "cooler" than feeling like a potential child molester. So yeah, just to illustrate how my emotional life looks like.

I don't expect sympathy, and any hate hurled in my direction will land on that big pile over there in the corner.

Much love,

Schillaci

[goose]

I don't normally reply to these threads, it hits too close to home.

However I do admire you, that you have resisted doing things which are obviously strong urges for you.

I hope you find peace.

Goose

[merlinmad17]

Hi Schillaci,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way - no one should have to go through that. Your description does NOT fit the picture of a pedophile; however, many people see pedophiles as being "fucked up" and "wrong." I don't, I understand that this is somthing you cannot change, like a homosexual cannot stop being homosexual. As long as you don't act on these urges, it's fine. I'm not condoning pedophillia, I'm just saying YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN. Now, I'm no expert - not at all, I have my own problems. I think you are one brave individual and I admire your confidence. Trust me, it's not worse than thinking you're a "serial killer." I have anxiety and OCD, I have been through stages of worrying about pedophillia and worry about being a "serial killer." Have you ever considered counselling? Maybe that would help?

[shye1]

Hey I also wanted to add my 2 cents. I'm one of those people that, as much as I detest harm inflicted on children, can see past someones disorder and into the person they are. I also admire that you havent acted on your urges and for that, I wouldn't even put you in the same category. Despite what you may thinkg, what you're going through is very human, as fucked up as it is. But can you go on punishing yourself when you've done such a good job not harming anyone else? I understand it would be hell to have sexual feelings and thoughts about young kids but we all have thoughts and feelings that are truly unpleasant. Trust me, we've all felt like pieces of shit, less. But theres more to you and your life than what goes on in your mind. I think you should give yourself a break. Maybe reading some books by Eckhart Tolle would help. He's all about living in the present, and not in your head. I really wish you all the best and hope you stick around cuz I think you could help some people here aswell as having a place to talk about this.

[Schillaci]

Thank you all for your understanding words about this unpleasant subject. I know it's not easy.

Also, thank you for the well-meant advice. I have already tried counseling though, and this pedophilia demon has been bugging me long enough that I could probably write my own self-help books by now. Perhaps I can try to prove that by looking around who I can help here. If I manage to hide my bitter, cynical, misanthropic side, it might just work.

Much love,

Schillaci

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Schillaci,

More than counseling, you may benefit from behavior modification and cognitive behavioral therapy for your pedophilia. You seem to be aware of when these urges began in your life. That means that something happened to you where the feelings of sexual pleasure got linked to or connected to boys (children). Perhaps this could be reversed or modified.

Are your sexual feelings only for male children or do you have adult sexual relations? Does having adult sexual relations (if you have them) reduce your urges towards children?

When you use the word "counseling" I have the reaction that it was something superficial rather than intense, in depth and modifying of your behavior.

Allan

[Guest Star9DeAtH9wIsH]

its ok its very common in japan its called "loli" banned from america because it is sick and of course it is bad because so young they have no control.

but on the upside is that your getting help i wouldnt get it here though this forum sucks ass!

no-ones like helping at all with my problems i feel like deleting account right now pretty pissed off because of it :mad:

[Schillaci]

Hi Allan,

I'm sure you have good intentions, but I have never heard of any therapy that can reverse pedophilia. Such attempts always have been notoriously unsuccessful. I'd be very happy to be proven wrong, but nowhere in any serious literature I have seen indications that such effort would have a realistic chance of success.

Indeed, counseling always has been a superficial experience to me. I have not always been treated humanely by mental health professionals, which puts them automatically at some sort of distance. And secondly, and I'm talking about counseling for pedophilia specifically now, I can't imagine how counseling could be able to help me. I know a lot about pedophilia, I have my own pedophilia under control, I know how to modify my own behavior... that's about it, right? How could the mental health industry help me even more?

I don't have sexual relationships with adults. The thought is repulsive to me. I have a few fetishes, but that's about it. Alas, I'm an exclusive pedophile.

Much love,

Schillaci

[David O]

its ok its very common in japan its called "loli" banned from america because it is sick and of course it is bad because so young they have no control.

but on the upside is that your getting help i wouldnt get it here though this forum sucks ass!

no-ones like helping at all with my problems i feel like deleting account right now pretty pissed off because of it :mad:

Star... in another thread you told a fellow member to "F__k Off" and here you inform us that the forum "sucks" and on another post you referred to adopted kids as fat and ugly-- this you told to a member whose kids had just been put up for adoption 2 weeks ago.

I'm not sure what went wrong, but, how can we help you?

[Dylan]

Try to see a good therapist or a sex therapist, you are disillusioned with professional therapy for some reason but know that there is qualified therapist out there. IT is a possibility that your problem could be connected to some type of form of OCD, but judging by what you wrote I don't think so. There is drugs that can help you cope with it. I just feel really fucking sorry for you though, that's horrible you have to live with that. I think you cured my sexuality problem, I realize I have nothing to complain about. I respect you though because you have never acted upon that desire.

[Schillaci]

Hi Dylan,

I guess being miserable enough to make other people feel good about themselves is a purpose as any other.

Much love,

Schillaci

[Endure]

you may benefit from behavior modification and cognitive behavioral therapy for your pedophilia. You seem to be aware of when these urges began in your life. That means that something happened to you where the feelings of sexual pleasure got linked to or connected to boys (children). Perhaps this could be reversed or modified.Allan

I'm sorry Allan but I don't agree with you at all, somewhere along your studies to be a psychotherapist you were taught or you yourself without sufficient proof decided that pedophilia was an acquired disorder, well it isn't for everyone, and no offense as much as you like to think your many years of expertise is sufficient to make such an unfounded judgment you do not know better than the people who live with pedophilia as to what it feels like and how identical it is to a biological sexuality.

You may have worked with a few people who showed pedophilia behavior after being molested as children themselves but that does not give you the right to generalize and assume that every pedophile in the whole world somehow acquired it due to some event in their childhood. I know you mean well but as a psychotherapist you need to be more open minded and making such assumptions can in fact be more harmful because you may be giving a false sense of hope to someone biologically born as a pedophile that they can change if they found the right treatment and your leaving them feeling even more defective and like they have been unnecessarily suffering and confused trying to work out where in their childhood they encountered trauma that caused the change when in fact there may have been NONE!!!

If I was a homosexual who wanted to turn straight or vice verse would you advise me of therapy as well ?

The OP asked you a fair question that he had never seen any where in literature that such therapy had worked on pedophilia and you failed to reply back showing some proof or evidence supporting your claims, which doesn't surprise me in the least because there is none, there are many pedophiles who think if they just ignored it or tried behavior modification and found a female party to marry it would all go away, well it doesn't, denial only makes things more complicated and worse not to mention pedophiles who get married and end up having kids of their own which may lead to abuse of their own children depending on the person in question.

Schillaci I loved how articulate you are and how well you expressed yourself, I too battle everyday with this, not with the urges but with the idea of being stuck in a world where I am so out casted and my sexuality is unaccepted. As a pedophile myself I don't understand how there are people in the world that could abuse or molest children, because how could you hurt something you love! But unfortunately for us as long as those harmful types exist we are going to face such stereotyping, generalizations, assumptions and detesment from society.

I know people here mean well but seriously I find it offensive when someone says "congratulations on holding back on your urges and not abusing a child" ? Like wtf, if I turned around and said "and congratulations to you for not shooting a person dead" you'd be like "huh wtf ? why would I ever kill anyone"....well I get the same reaction when someone somehow assumes I am even capable of child abuse just because I was born with an attraction, First and foremost I am a human with morals, self respect and respect for others and very capable of empathy I don't need to be congratulated for not harming another person. I'm sorry if anyone doesn't like it but these are my honest views.

[shye1]

Hey Endure, I feel much more enlightened by your post. Sexuality is such an interesting part of humans. It's really not explored enough in an open context. I think this is because religion has condemned it as something so sinful. So thank you for your honest post. Having said that, I honestly didn't know people could be born with an attraction to children. Like most people, I thought it was something that was triggered by say, being molested as a child. I didn't mean any harm when I said I admired schillaci for not acting on his feelings towards children. I genuinely meant what I said purely because I understand how hard it can be to fight against an urge he might feel so strongly. You have to understand, when there are statistics that say 1 in 3 children are molested, there arent many pedophiles like you and schillaci who are able to control their urges. For that you deserve some credit right? And maybe I would be confused if you said 'congrats for not killing someone' but I also never made mention to the fact that I even had such feelings. If I did, then you might congratulate me for not acting them out. Just like I might praise someone for not killing them self if they had suicidal thoughts. It's just an acknowledgment, no offense intended.

[Endure]

Hi Shye, now I feel bad for having made you feel uncomfortable because you meant well, and your right to some extent that there is more of an association between linking a pedophile to his sexual urge then linking a random person to murder but it should also be considered that an attraction alone should not be used to define a persons character and what their capable of doing.

I am not capable of harm because it goes againts everything that defines me as a person and all that I believe in, just because I have an attraction to younger people does not mean I 'm going to throw out all my values and act on it selfishly when I know it can harm another innocent persons life.

Ye I guess we deserve some credit for not hurting other people but then again so do you for also recognising that such behaviour is harmful as well. I'm not any different then you in that sense except for your sexuality is accepted and harmless and your free to act on it, and I'm not, but had heterosexuality become illegal for some odd reason then would you too refrain from it and graciously accept praise for your abstinence ?

Ye but this whole thing is quite a complicated mess surrounded in confusion, its a pretty cruel fate to be stuck in a world where your denied to feel love whilst the rest of the world indulges in it, its like being given the same real human emotions and sex drive as the rest of the world but then hurled into an alternative reality where those feelings are made to be illegal and harmful, quite the cruel joke.

[shye1]

Hey Endure, please don't feel bad. I don't feel bad, I just wanted to clear that up. If anything I enjoyed your post because it made me think, your honesty forced me to have more of an open mind. Like I said before, I feel these kinds of things arent spoken about enough. People are quick to judge. But if I have the option of speaking to someone who is different from me or giving them the cold shoulder, I much prefer to have a real conversation with them.

But while we're being honest with each other here, even though I consider myself heterosexual, I too understand the feelings associated with being an outcast. Each of my friends seems to have a "normal" sexuality, meaning they find it easy to have relationships, have had their hearts broken and yet managed to move on, had all the normal teenage experiences and experimentations. I on the other hand have pushed away any type of intimacy, emotional and physical my entire life. I have all the normal feelings but dont allow myself to act on them. I'm still trying to figure out why I do that. People around me are also confused by it, understandably, but they jump to conclusions in an attempt to figure me out. I've been labeled asexual, or a lesbian and it hurt my feelings a bit because they don't understand and probably cant understand that it's deeper than that, but I feel like I can't explain it to them either. It makes me feel weird just because my sexuality isn't normal compared to others. I think maybe I make too big of a deal out of it but when something feels so out of reach, you seem to notice how much of an important part it plays in everyone else's lives and all you want is to feel what they feel. I don't mean to go on and on about it, I just want you to know that on some level I can understand what you're going through. So in answer to your question, no I wouldn't graciously accept anyone's praise for remaining abstinent either. For me its because its symptomatic of a problem that I dont have a grip on yet and causes me a great deal of pain.

I wonder though, do you think there is light at the end of the tunnel?

[Endure]

I do think there is a light at the end of the tunnel speaking in a spiritual sense, but then again I'm a person of faith and I tend to believe that these burdens we have in life are a test of our endurance and faith, particularly with pedophiles a means to see if we give in to our desires or take the morally righteous path, even though it is a torterous life now I believe I will be rewarded and find peace in the next life for having dealt witrh such a heavy burden without causing harm to others.

But as for you, you don't have to wait for the after life to find the light at the end of the tunnel, you can work through your problems in this life and find peace in a relationship that works for you at level that you feel comfortable with, just a matter of putting yourself out there and meeting varoious people to find the one that your compatible with. As long as you find that your attracted to the opposite sex you can feel confident that your no an asexual or lesbian, but just beacuse your choosing not to rush into things as fast as your peers should not cast a doubt about your sexuality, in fact your playing it safe which I think could mean that you dont want to get hurt easily or you want to wait till your certain about someone because love can be a tricky thing.

Everyone deals with it differently, some people find it easy to move from one relationship to the next and easily brush off any rejection or bad realtionships in their endevour to find the right person whilst others are almost traumitised by the idea of failing a date or realtionship and fear how to deal with rejection. But having said this if you dont feel a need for companionship and your quite content being on your own, or ocassionally find someone attractive it could very well be that your borderline asexual as I believe that there are varying degrees of sexuality that extend from one extreme to the next with everything in between, and if thats the case its not the end of the world, and hey at least your not breaking any laws or rules by feeling that way. I hope ya find peace as well.