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Daily Journal Results (tiny bit graphic)


08hduc
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Just got home from the PDoc's office. His PA had me keep a journal this past week and I turned it in yesterday for him to review before today's appointment. It was a program on a usb ZIP drive that wrote a PDF that only showed a blank screen at all times. Even though I was typing I could not see what was being typed, so there was no way to keep track of what I had written, misspelled, make changes, nothing. He told me when I felt like it to sit down and type my feelings, so I did.

Today we read the writings and I was disgusted, my wife cried and the PA shook his head. I mean my thoughts are really twisted. And YES Linda, I am going inpatient this weekend (if not sooner due to behaviors) after I see an Administrative Law Magistrate on Friday to set up some legal stuff for the family business since I will be AWOL for a while. My wife has this week off per FMLA so I will be OK I hope. She is hitting me with Zyprexa every night and we put a very loud alarm thing on the bedroom door that will go off if I get up and try to get out.

Tuesday and Wednesday: Spent the day time with a friend helping at his construction company doing demolition. Night time was almost sleepless due to totally bizarre thoughts, smells and voices. Voices sounded like when you are outside a room and there is a TV playing inside the room. You hear the noise of people talking but nothing is clear.

Thursday: Up most of the night running scenarios through my head damaging people I had contact with during the day. No one in particular, just anyone I remembered.

Friday afternoon, at the bank, I was behind the armored car guy as he walked into the bank. I was told I was not fast enough to grab his gun before he could stop me (of course there was no one talking to me but I swear someone did). As I reached to grab it my wife jerked the hand she was holding and I stopped.

Saturday: Major paranoia during the day. Spent hours walking the house looking out all the windows. In the late night I was told to get out of the house due to a fire. Tried to jump out our 2nd story bedroom window. No fire and no person telling me anything. Zyprexa IM to the rescue

Sunday night, while at dinner, a (real) clown visited the family sitting next to us and made balloon swords for their kids. Soon after the kids were running all over the place and bopping us with the swords while the parents ignored what was happening. It set me off but I maintained until I got outside. Anyway, my family went to bed at 9:30pm but I stayed up. As I ran the scenario through my head, over and over, I got more and more enraged at myself for not grabbing the dad of the kids and putting his head through the wall (I know not a good choice, but it seemed reasonable at the time). About 1am voices started ragging on me for being a wimp and letting the dad walk all over me in front of my family. I was told my only way out was to sacrifice myself to save my family having to see my shame or to sacrifice my family to spare them from my shame altogether. In my mind I made a plan to wake the kids and con them into joining their mother in our bed. Once there I was going to kill them quickly with my WW2 Samurai Sword (razor sharp but locked away from me) then place the children at moms breasts like they were nursing.

Monday: random ramblings. Mainly loneliness until the kids came home from school, then I was OK because I had to make dinner, help with homework, stuff like that. 20mg IM Zyprexa before bed. Slept all night.

OK is that demented or what! Until I read it I didn't realize how dangerous I have become. I asked the PDoc how I was able to go from normal me to dangerous me then back so quickly. He said this is something he thinks I have been fighting since childhood and was able to build walls and lock the beast away. But now, for some reason, the beast is out and I can no longer control it. My brain is trying, that's why the cycling is sooo fast. He commended me for controlling it for so long but like any battle, sometimes they are not winnable. Now we need to focus with dealing with the devil, not beating him.

I asked why my feelings were being turned towards my family. He said he felt it was my psyche turning to the people I trust not to hurt me and not some sort of pent up rage or hate towards them. My wife and I were relieved to hear that. We have never even had a fight in 20+ years of marriage. We have had disagreements like everyone else but never slamming doors, stomping out of the house, screaming, none of that.

Anyway, as I said earlier I am going inpatient Friday night after I see the Magistrate. The PDoc made me sign a contract to turn myself in earlier if I have one more self harm/harm others acting out episode. Hopefully that will not happen, but who knows. If I disappear from here I am there. WISH ME WELL

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That's a lot to go through, I'm sorry for you and your family. I know your wife will miss your company, but it sounds like you love each other lots so that will be a comfort. At least she will know you are safe....The brain is a wild and wonderful thing isn't? It can rise to such great heights, recognize humour, get us to the moon, but this is a sad thing that can also happen to it... :). From what you've told us about your life I'm certain that what you lived in the forces has also put much pressure on you psyche...

Don't they have internet in hospitals? If they do then we don't have to lose you for long... I was quite enjoying having you around :-)

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08hduc:

I wish you SOOOOO well! I continue to be impressed by how you handle this.

Within psychology they talk about "protective factors" which are the things that are positive in your life, that are working well and will improve your prognosis and help you deal with your issues. I get the sense that your insight, your relationship with your wife (to which you contributed half, which speaks about you) and your willingness to be treated and stopped from harming others, bode very well for you... :)

And as crappy as the drugs can be, they can also work really well. Yes, the straitjackets might be chemical these days (sorry, that's cynical!) but that sure beats what has gone before. When I get out of control, bring them on!!

Warm thoughts and wishes, for your wife as well...

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