A major realization [triggering]

[Schillaci]

Hi everybody,

Well, I don't know if this is gonna turn out to be triggering, but I don't feel in the mood to censor myself. I want to express the proper emotions with what I'm going to say, and it won't be pretty.

I have never posted in this section before, because frankly, I've always rationalized any anxiety issues I had, and always denied any anxiety disorders, despite consistently looking like an anxious fuck in various social situations. I think I was dead wrong.

I feel stupid for saying this, because I've looked so many years for an answer that was right in front of me. I've read so many books, done so many psychedelic, and aspects of the cause of it all did surface during trips and study, and were even subconsciously expressed in my artistry. But I've always been too weak to be able to bear the thought.

Yesterday I had to conclude I still had chest pains. Drug-induced angina pectoris, is my uneducated guess. Nothing too shocking, I have long ago accepted that I'm destroying my body, and won't live nearly as long as is programmed in my genes. But feeling some real and serious physical damage, did change something in my mind. The thought that nothing really matters. The deep realization that even suppressing emotions doesn't matter. Yes, I'm one of those pathetic human beings who prefer to interpret the world in the most absurd ways possible in stead of facing simple truths. I hate myself so much for this. Psychological tests say I'm a genius, but I feel like the most retarded man alive at the moment.

A goddamn fucking trauma. Trauma mechanics have been fed to me even through cartoons during childhood. Even a child would have been able to figure this out. "Gee, I wonder why I retract in isolation, can't relax myself, feel like fucking children, feel like killing women, feel anxious with other people, have flashbacks, etc... Gee, that doesn't make sense!" You goddamn degenerate piece of shit.

I've mailed the local ambulatory mental health center. I guess I belong there after all. Let's talk about my goddamn trauma. Let's talk about how my own mother broke me. Sounds like fucking fun. I hate that fucking bitch. I've psychologically tortured her to find out whether she did it on purpose, and the answer is no, she did not. She didn't think at the moment, and she repressed the memory just like I did. I guess I have to think about this as an accident. Still, IF THAT GODDAMN WHORE HAD THOUGHT HER ACTIONS THROUGH FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT. But that's okay, I realize she wasn't in control of herself, and that there's nothing unreasonable about not being in control of oneself at a moment when one experiences emotional pain of the highest category. I'm glad I realize this. Otherwise very ugly things could have happened to her.

How does one treat PTSD? Do I have to process the emotions involved? Am I able to process the emotions involved? Won't that mean I will lose my mother figure? Is it the choice between desiring to fuck children and hating my own mother? Between liking it and hating it? Is this my choice? My mother is aging, I have to take care for her on day. Would it be best to postpone realizing about how I truly feel until she dies her natural death? Does this mean I have to remain a pedophile for as long she lives? I don't like any of these options. However I feel about what happened, the situation will remain absolutely intolerable.

Now I suddenly feel incredibly sorry for the poor woman. Look at that paragraph I just poured out. Only one tiny, forgivable and completely reasonable mistake she made, but her son was not strong enough not to go completely insane. Or she has a pedophile for son, or she looses her son. She doesn't deserve that. But the son she has now, one who's not participating in society and slowly killing himself, she does not deserve either. But will I ever be able to look at what happened and not feel strong emotions? Aren't humans hardwired not to feel indifference towards incestuous actions? Will I have to fight against my own architecture?

I'll have to end this post. I'm starting to feel sick.

Much love,

Schillaci

[malign]

Schillaci,

I'm sorry that had to happen to you. I've met a lot of abuse survivors here, and the stories are never fun. One thing I'd point out, though is the very common mistake of blaming yourself.

Yes, I'm one of those pathetic human beings ...

You mean, you're like the rest of us? :-) Everyone tries to protect themselves from horror. That's not pathetic, that's survival.

On one hand, you're quite vicious with yourself, calling yourself a "goddamn degenerate piece of shit" but you manage to excuse your mother, who apparently made only "one tiny, forgivable and completely reasonable mistake". The point isn't to get you to hate her, but to stop identifying with her. You were the little kid in this situation; give yourself that, at least.

You don't sound "completely insane" to me. You sound like someone who is suffering. I don't believe that state must continue forever, though.

[Schillaci]

It wasn't even about "abusing" when I was "little kid", it was a kiss when I was a teenager. Lots of emotional incest nonetheless on the side, and I wasn't exactly at my strongest point when it happened. But still... where normal people need to get repeatedly anally raped by daddy, I just had to get one inappropriately erotic kiss by mommy.

That's... that's just pathetic. How can I not feel like the biggest wimp on the surface of the earth while realizing all this?

Much love,

Schillaci

[Schillaci]

Here's a relevant electronic music performance of mine. It might help people who are trying to empathize with how I feel.

http://www.mediafire.com/?ommlmvz2njd

Triggering, not for the faint of heart, etc... Don't have anyone around when you listen it if you care about your real life reputation. Any instance of the word "girl" of course should ideally have been the word "boy", but even in music a boy-lusting pedophile has to compromise due to lack of options.

Much love,

Schillaci

[malign]

How can I not feel like the biggest wimp on the surface of the earth while realizing all this?

I don't know how. All I know is that I don't feel that about you.

It's not a competition for how much it takes to tip a person over the edge. Many people deal with issues after even less obvious provocation; it's how it hits each individual person that determines the outcome.

For instance, I've been suicidal after "only" emotional abuse. I don't see myself as a wimp, though: I'm still here trying.

[Schillaci]

You're right, of course.

It's just that voice inside (metaphorically, still not that insane) that's whispering: "a kiss can't have done this to you, you know you're not that weak, you just can't accept you'll never know for certain why you are the way you are". It's in response to that voice that I feel like yelling "NO I AM THIS WEAK OH GOD HOW TERRIBLY WEAK DONT DENY IT", not because I want to engage in competition on trauma severity with others.

Does that make any sense? I'm having dissociative effects right now. I can't really think clearly.

Much love,

Schillaci

[malign]

You're not insane.

That doesn't mean you're not in pain, though.

It must be tough to have to fight yourself that hard.

Are you to the point where you're in danger?

I know you know the drill, and you're a long way away.

But it's important to take things in their proper order.

[Schillaci]

I'm not in danger, fortunately. Things are getting intense and weird, but I feel safe in various states of consciousness.

Not sure what drill or proper order you're talking about.

Much love,

Schillaci

[malign]

Well, I was just thinking about taking things in priority order:

Are you okay, are others okay, is there someone you can talk to, etc.

It's difficult to know how altered a person might be, at this remove. I'm going to guess that you're still oriented, though.

Basically, I guess the next step (keeping in mind I have no training to guide me) would be to try to defuse your triggered state. Can you do something to distract yourself, and come back to these thoughts later, for instance?

[Schillaci]

Actually, I want to keep state of mind I'm having right now. I fear that I might start downplaying all the thoughts I have had in the last 24 hours, that I'm gonna go back to square one again. I'm sick of lying to myself.

Or would that be a very bad idea?

Much love,

Schillaci

[malign]

Well, you've got a record of it here, if your mind starts to devalue it.

You're the only one who can tell us if you're in enough trouble right now that you need to make a change. But don't worry about losing your thoughts; it's one benefit of posting them.

[Schillaci]

That's true. I didn't record my thoughts the previous times. There's no reason why I can't go for a peaceful walk right now.

Thanks for taking the time to talk me through, Malign.

Much love,

Schillaci

[malign]

'S what we're here for. :-)

Take care of yourself.

[amberlyn]

Hey Schillaci,

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what you had to go through. No matter how big or small it seems in your own mind, trauma is trauma. Don't compare it to what you think is supposed to be "bad enough" to trigger you or send you over the edge or whatever. Besides, trauma affects everyone differently. That's why you can have two people of the same sex that went through the exact same traumas at the same times in their lives during the same time period ...... and still end up with two completely differently-affected people.

I'm glad that you cancelled your meeting & I hope you did take that walk earlier. The main thing is to not rationalize for the other person. By giving your mother excuses for what she did or reasons why she did it, you're excusing her. You're not holding her accountable - when, in all actuality, she is. My father only touched me a few times, but most of his sexual abuse was verbal. Does that make me 'weak' for being traumatized by it? Honestly, I keep telling myself no. I think it makes me human. And I think it makes you human for your actions as well.

Take care, & I hope you're doing well.

[Schillaci]

Hi amberlyn,

I guess calling myself weak is a little easier than admitting I was physically turned on by her advances.

I think determining whether or not she should be accountable is rather... problematic. The circumstances were very unusual. It was the night her husband died after having had cancer for almost a decade. A week earlier, the hospital had discharged him to die at home. She hadn't slept a second during that whole week. So she was extremely sleep deprived, extremely stressed out and had just lost the love of her life to a cruel illness that was draining her emotional energy for almost a decade. On top of that she had never dealt with her own mother's suicide. Those unresolved emotions suddenly surfaced as well. Today, more than a decade later, she still isn't over it, and I'm watching her wither day by day.

I think it was clearly a mental breakdown. That wasn't my mother at that moment, that was an unorganized collection of body parts and bodily functions. Her mind did not register memory, it was broken at that very moment. If an insanity defense was ever appropriate, I say it would have been then.

I mean.. I am the rationalizing type, I'm well aware of that. But I can't ignore these kind of circumstances.

Much love,

Schillaci

[IrmaJean]

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding your mother's actions, Schillaci, her actions had a negative impact on you. I can't even begin to imagine the confusion you must have experienced. And you were grieving as well. You deserved protection and no one was there to offer you protection. This should have never happened to you.

It must be very painful and confusing for you now as well. You still love your mother and she is suffering. But knowing this doesn't change the fact that you were hurt on that night. It's okay to acknowledge that.

[Schillaci]

Thanks, IrmaJean. I do acknowledge that now.

The relationship with my father is another story. I was mostly euphoric that night due to his death. Though the emotions I actually felt about his passing have no names yet. Conflicting, to say the least. I don't know whether I would have grieved his death if it weren't for the incident. I doubt it.

Much love,

Schillaci

[IrmaJean]

It is my belief that through anger or perhaps even hatred for a parent, there may also be love. Anger often protects us from other emotions that may be too painful to confront. So perhaps your euphoria also masked a deeper sorrow in this...a regret for what never was and what was lost to you. Grief can be layered and there are often losses within the loss.

I hope you will forgive me, I'm a bit behind and need to catch up on here. Have you spoken of your father in one of your threads? If not, would you like to share more about him?

[amberlyn]

I can understand you trying to see your mother's side. I'm very much a rationalizing person, too, so I understand. Just as long as you can see that, no matter what the reasons for why she did what she did, it still made it wrong. So, I'm glad that you acknowledge that.

I hope that you can find a way to work through this. Once you acknowledge a situation like this, and allow yourself to feel hurt, angry, abandoned, alone, etc... well, then you have to work through it. This may be one of the hardest times for you when it comes to sobriety. I know that it's so much easier to just not feel anything anymore, as opposed to going through the steps to get over something. I know it is... been there, several times. Something to think about though is that for every time you stay sober & deal with this, you're winning. You're showing strength & showing yourself that you CAN get through this.

Wishing you well.

[Pseudonym]

Scillaci, I must first say bravo for letting your emotions pour out, telling someone about your feelings is important in the process of moving passed them. I sympathize with the self loathing process that comes with pedophilic urges. I battle that demon myself, and no matter how much you move away from that demon it does follow you in one way or the other, if only in the form of guilt.

But Identifying the problem is the first step in the battle. In my case it was my diagnosis of OCD, in this case I knew the demon I was facing, and I was able to fight it better. In your case your problems with your childhood maybe your niche. But I don't know if it is so clear-cut as to say abandoning your mother will stop these compulsions. Healing must happen from within, not from without.

I cannot advise you on how to deal with your mother, that is an extremely personal choice. I hope you will make the right one.

- Anonymous.

[samspruce]

Hi Schillaci

I just listened to the electronic music performance plus animation.

I like it. I'm not into that sort of stuff generally but it's good and I guess you know it. I loved the animation as well. I have been involved in film making and music and other artistic pursuits. You probably know that when you pop off to visit extremes of expression that they are precisely that. Extreme. I actually daren't make the stuff I want to but it's not so much because I fear jail or lynching it's more the guilt in my head and I hate that.

I guess like many artists it is a battle between the free expression and wishing you didn't have the feelings that give rise to it.

I'm in total agreement with many of the comments in this thread and am sorry you are having such a rough time of it. I don't know enough about "clinical" psychology to comment on the dynamics of your mind and emotions but I can say I loved the "performance" and I think you should do more.

Thanks for sharing this stuff - It makes my life better.

Sam