I don't know who i am anymore!

[tracey.f]

I honestly don't know who or what i am anymore and i don't know what i feel about that! Is that strange or just me ?

I have been cycling between states and mixed state episodes since november ( I waved at normal on the way as i passed it This has been going on for so many months and i guess i'm just sick and tired, yet i think i am finally losing my mind! I want to scream!

My head hurts, yet i want to laugh. What is with that guys, am i finally losing my grip on things. Because i am fighting hard here but i actually thought about giving up today, for the first time in a long time and i'm embarrassed about that. What does that say about me?

Wish i could run away from this, i want out of this at the moment everything is getting out of control. What am i saying, i think it went out of control a while ago and i just didn't see it or know or is it that i just don't know how to care anymore?!?

Talk about rambble, sorry about that. I guess it had to come out some how!

I miss me..

[malign]

You're Tracey! :-)

Okay, that's not much of an answer, but ... how much of an answer do you need?

You're alive; maybe that's all you need, at the moment.

We've missed you, too.

[tracey.f]

Well, you made me laugh!

You might not believe me but i didn't come back to post that, it sort of just slipped out. I have spent most of the last 5 months going from the energiser bunny to hiding in doors and not knowing what to say or do.

Today, i had an experience that i have when i become very matter of fact about life and things and i wish i could say that it scared me but it didn't. My mind just accepted the notion and filed it away in the noted section in this piece of crap called my brain.

Now that is out the way, i missed you malign. I hope you are doing ok and keeping well.Thank's for the kind words.

I guess i will go now, kids and things.

I just wanted to say i'm not well, i haven't said that outload for a while. I was hopeing that saying that might make me feel better but it hasn't yet. I hope you don't mind if i pop back soon.

[malign]

Please do; we're here precisely for those times when our members don't feel well.

Do you have on-going therapy, Tracey? That's one possible place you could unload, periodically ...

[Judgement]

I hope I'm not intruding, is Tracey here?

Anyway, since you feel like you've technically lost yourself, maybe trying to remember how you felt before you lost yourself might do the trick? Of course it's not easy, but I can say from experience that I followed a similar process. Trying to remember the feelings of how you were when you still had yourself, the values and personality traits that were you, after a while that might clear up a few loose ends. Basically, if you think you lost yourself along the way, try and remember yourself back!

It's like fishing, you just have to be patient. Hope this might give you some insight in your situation!

- T.M

[Luna-]

Hi tracey.f, we haven't met before.

Mixed episodes will do that to you. My keyword for mixed episodes is 'confusion'! Any notions I might have had about who I am, vanish like dew before the sun. Nothing is stable so it becomes really difficult to hang onto what I know for sure. :confused: I'm an optimist, then a pessimist, then briefly a realist (as I wave at normal, passing through ) I'm vibrantly alive, then I'm suicidal. Exhilarating, exasperating, exhausting.

You're in there, somewhere. If things would just stand still for a MOMENT, :eek: you could put your finger on it. Oh, I can so relate.

Five months is a long time. Have you been back to your pdoc for a review of meds? Assuming you're on meds, that is. I try too, to keep my sleep/wake cycle steady. As far as I can anyway and for what it's worth! Some days just have to be chalked up to experience.

Good luck.

[tracey.f]

Thanks for the replys and questions guys, it means alot. More than you probably know, no-one in my family has bipolar or depression so it's not always easy for them to understand.

First, Malign you know i agree with therapy. I think in most circumstances medication and therapy go hand in hand, treatment from both sides! I'm on a waiting list at the moment for cbt therapy, the kicker is the waiting list is 18 months long!! Not tooooo long, hey i guess it's the thought that counts right?

Hey Luna, nice to meet you!

Yes, i'm on meds that are forever changing. I keep having a problem with the fact that all the mood stabilizers licenced in the uk that my pdoc will use, they haven't worked or my body wont take them. My pdoc will only use medication if it has a load of research she can go through that backs the medication up! So at the moment i am only on lamictal and ambilify. I am at least 2 medications short according to her, i'm waiting to see if they will take me back into the national affective disorders unit in london again. Not ideal but i don't have many options left if i want some of my life back and i guess if that's the price, then i'll pay it!

Hi judgement, thanks for the message.

Maybe the bigger thing is i do remember some of the life i did have before but it seems so long ago that i don't recall everything as clear as it used to be.

I used to be able to function, i do function now but i'm more like a robot a lot of the time because if i was to really feel what my head is trying to make me feel all the time. Not good, manic,depressed,aggitated wanting to be reckless. Wanting to go totally out of control if i'm honest, there i said it. I want to run off, spend money i want to not care but i do care so i stay and i fight how my illness makes me feel. Unfortunately i'm on my own with that at the moment !

Sorry.i've gone on again (Whats new!)

[malign]

Seems to me as if, since you did manage to get to the honest admission, you went on just long enough, Tracey. :-)

There have definitely been times when I was fighting urges like yours, to run or at least to escape. You're right, there's nothing for it but to keep fighting. If it helps any, I've been essentially free of those feelings for the past year, barring maybe one day of relapse. It can get better. You will be yourself again.

I'm sorry they're making you wait for therapy; that seems like fairly poor management, to me. But, you do have us. We're free and 24 hours, and most importantly, we've been through it, too.

[tracey.f]

Thank you, this community kept me going when i was going through another really bad state when i joined nearly a year ago now.

You are wonderfull people and a great community of people who do more good than you might realise!

I need to go now because my head hurts but thanks for listening guys.

Thank you!

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Tracey

I'm 48 and have bipolar with mixed and rapid cycling so i understand what you are talking about. You said the exact words to a song I listen to by Colbie Callit "It stops here" and "one fine wire" It stops here talks about running away but it has to stop. and since everyone knows my crazy mixed up moods sometimes send me leaving in my van and just running away I can relate to wanting to know where "I" went and where am I going with this damn illness. It just seems to torture us and who we once were, we are no longer....

But I have to say the people here have helped me and I hope we can help you...

hang in there, typing out how you feel really helps too...