Felling panicky

[Symora]

I can't figure out why I'm alive today, I wish I wasn't. I've been having difficulties with grief lately and difficult images of all the loses I've lived in recent years just keep flashing in my head. I can't find a good place to be within myself. I've been too alone lately perhaps. I don't really want to be with people. My daughter came over last night and I stupidly passed a negative comment about her weight increase and hurt her feeling badly, she was crying. It just came out, like I could not discern that thought can't always come out. Maybe I don't know how to be with people anymore. It's better that I just stay away.

I helped my closest girlfriend for a week after her mastectomy last May. Yesterday she told me that they have found a lump in her left breast now and she is not feeling well again. I find nothing in me to give right now, except anger and bitterness. I don't know what to hold unto anymore, life holds no interest. I've been crying again since I woke up and my heart hurts, physically hurts. Where do I find hope?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Symora,

I am so very sorry to hear that your daughter found a lump in her breast. Is it any wonder that you feel terrible?

But, I am glad that you are alive and I want you around. I know. I am from the Internet and, so what. But, Symora, I and the others here are very real and we care deeply. You are important to us. I understand your despair and bitterness about your daughter being ill. Yet, its important to endure even through the worst of times.

Allan:(

[Symora]

Thank you for your support, it does feel soothing.... It's actually my closest girlfriend who found a lump in her breast, again. Everyone around me seems to be going through their own difficult times so I dare not reach out, they have enough of their own stuff... I'm down on myself today and I can't seem to tap into any internal strength. I can't even think of one single thing I like to do or anyone I would like to be with. The ones I would like to talk to and spend time with have passed away...

Luckily tomorrow is another day...

[IrmaJean]

Hi Symora. I'm sorry you're feeling down today. I still have days like that myself sometimes too, but it seems I can get myself out of it now much easier than I used to.

You are a very valuable member of this board and have much insight and wisdom to offer. Does it feel good to offer others support? It sure does for me. I like getting in touch with the caring parts of myself and sharing with others.

I also have a very difficult time with grief and loss. When I think now about those who I have loved and lost, I try to remember the gifts they gave to me. People who we feel connected with help us to discover ourselves. When I remember my mother, her spirit shines through me as I access the kind and caring aspects of myself. In being an accepting and loving person, I feel the spirit of my dear friend who helped me to find this part of myself. And I always feel connected with my former therapist when I reach out and offer support to others. Every person we care for and love gives us the gift of ourselves. Those aspects of ourselves are never lost to us because genuine love can never be lost. It's a part of who we are. I know sometimes the ache of a lost loved one can feel overwhelming. I view this longing as a reminder that I am a giving person who feels deeply and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I lost my mother to breast cancer. She'd also had a mastectomy. It must be difficult for you to see your friend like this. I've seen how supportive and kind you are here on the boards. Maybe share some of this with your friend right now. I have little doubt that she would appreciate your being there for her.

If you're feeling lonely, please don't hesitate to PM me if you want someone to talk to.

I hope you feel better, Symora.

[Endlessnight]

Symora, you have always been so quick to give your help and support to me that I wish I could do something for you in return. All I can do is say that you are a very giving and big hearted woman and I appreciate all the advice and concern you have given me. Please remember when you are feeling down how much your kind words have meant to me and i'm sure many others. I can understand how draining it must be on you to always be the one that gives. Maybe you need someone to give to you for a while. Don't be too hard on yourself and please know that I value and respect you very much. Take care,

M.