trapped in regret and bitterness

[Endlessnight]

I don't know that anyone can help me. I seem unable to help myself. I feel like i'm trapped in some kind of time bubble. I am still the 15 year old girl that was brought and kept here, against her will. Emotionally I am still her. I am unable to move on from being that young girl, the one that was forced to leave everything she knew and loved, behind. Her mother, her friends, her school, her family, her life. Since she never wanted to be here, she never connected to anything, and now, 30 + years later, I am left with a life that isn't a life at all. I feel no connection to anyone or anything much. So telling myself I must move on is kind of hopeless, since I have nothing to move on to. How do I make a life for myself in a place i've never wanted to be and feeling that i've wasted my life? I know I will probably be told that it's never too late to start again, but if I feel that it is, how do I change that? How do I stop feeling inside that my life is over? It has been over in all but the burying for a long long time now. There is such life buried deep inside me, forgotten maybe, but I know it's there....but I can't let it out, I can't. My zest for life is for a life I can never have, will never have.

[David O]

Good morning Endless night,

I wish I would have had time to go back and read all of your posts so that I was in full context, but you've provided enough material here to start with. I can remember these same thoughts and feekings when I was yyounger--we lived under a brutal dictatorship and coming to the US was not much better of a life. Nearly 20 years of my life spent in hell, wondering if this was really all there was, then one night I caught my Aunt Esther praying, as she did always. I asked her why she prayed to a God who had abandoned us, one who had allowed us to suffer so much... she smiled ( a rare event) and said: "Mijo, we are promised life, that's all!" Well, things have certainly changed since then... so, there are only two questions (with many follow-ups from here):

• Endless, if you woke up tomorrow morning and your concerns were gone and you were leading the kind of life you wanted, what would it be like? What would you be doing hourly? Daily?
  
  
• If you and I were meeting here 6 months from today, and you were looking back over the 6 month period, what happened during that time to make you happy with your progress?
  

Your turn Endless,

David

[Symora]

Hi Endless, I can sympathise with how you feel.... I too was feeling today that I had ruined my life with bad choices (I'm aware that your situation is not about choices you made, but rather what you have been forced to live trapped in a situation you have had rlittle control over). My dear Endless, I so wish things were different for you, that you had more freedom of action in your life. I can tell you though that I have all the freedom I want and I'm unhappy as well.... I've made my own choices, but I too feel disconnected.

I also feel bitter because I have given lots and feel I have received little in return. I know one should not give just to receive, and I don't think I did, but I guess I was expecting to reap the fruit of what I had sewn... but instead I am lonely most of the time and feeling detached from life. I'm not sure it is any comfort to you to know you are not alone, but I assure you that you are not. Life often does not turn out as we would have liked or expected, and apparently the trick is to learn to play the hand you were dealt. If you figure out how to do that, please let me know because I stuggle with that one

One day at a time my dear. A friend of mine used to tell me 'as long as there is life there is hope', and we are alive, so I guess there is hope...

[Endlessnight]

Hello David.

I was taken from a free society to one where I was totally restricted in everything. I read something once that has always stayed with me: 'in asking people what they most want in life, the majority answered 'choice' people need to know they have a choice'. I never had a choice and I guess that's what I most want.

I dont know if I can really asnwer your first question because i'm so far from knowing what I would want in my life other than to not have to lie and pretend. To live without the mask I have worn since I was 15. To be ME. I don't know who or what I am. I feel I have lost myself which is why I can't really answer your question even though I say I want a different life, I don't know what kind of life I want. It's like being in prison then being let out after 35 years into an alien world. I don't belong anywhere.

What kind of life would I like? One in which I graduated high school,perhaps even went to college, got married, had children. Nothing spectacular. I am not saying that marriage and children are the answer to anything. All i'm saying is I would have liked the chance to love and be loved.

To answer the second question: I would be happy if I could learn to live in the now and not the past. To let go of my bitterness and regrets. If I could do that I would feel I had made progress.

Symora dear if I ever do figure out how to be happy with the life I was given I will surely let you know! I know you are right in all you say, and that being able to make choices doesn't mean we will be happy, but I would have liked the chance to try. Freedom doesn't guarantee happiness, lack of freedom doesn't guarantee unhappiness. It is in the way we react to such things that our happiness or lack of it depends. I know my problem has been myself and I need to face up to that and get over it to be able to enjoy whatever is left of my life. Don't give up hope Symora! At the end of my first post what I said was kind of contradictory I know....saying I had such a zest for life inside me but that I hated life at the same time. I don't know if I really hate life. I hate the fact that I wasted mine, I hate that I have to be someone i'm not. But I know that life can be wonderful if only we allow it to be and deal with what we have rather than wanting things we don't have. I just don't know how to do that yet.

M.

[Symora]

I am with you there Endless, choice is so important. In reality though many people don't have much, especially women I think. It is actually a new phenomenon for women to have choice in their lives. I know that although I always considered myself free, I did make some bad choices that led to a life of single parenting, little money, sort of boxed into responsibilities. So yes, it's very important to feel like one has control over one's choices, but in reality we often have few options anyway... I was telling my daughter the other night that if I had not had the choice of opting out of this polygamy thing I probably would have gone insane, so yes, choice is important.

Do you work Endless? Do you get some satisfaction and gratification from some activities in your life? Do you have a sense of purpose about something? I used to do so much; single parenting, lots of volunteer work, I sewed, painted, managed cooperatives, was on spiritual assemblies as a Baha'i, and although I have always suffered from dysthymia I did feel my life had a purpose and that helped. My issue right now that many of those things have dropped out of my life for different reasons and now I lack a sense of purpose. Perhaps that is some kind of key ....

[Endlessnight]

Dear Symora, don't give up on looking for a sense of purpose because I believe you will find your way again. Right now you are in a lull, feeling down, wondering what to do and where to go next. I am sure things will fall into place for you soon. Perhaps you needed a break from all the things you were busy with, so look at it as though this is the time for yourself you needed and then when you feel rested and ready, start slowly getting yourself back into the things you used to do. Or try something new. Maybe, as you suggested we should write a book together, or maybe you can do something for women's rights since I know how concerned you are about such issues. Dont give up hope, and don't give up on yourself. Take care,

M.

[Symora]

Thanks Endless. You know I really would like to write a book with you, I think it would do us both good to focus on something helpful and positive. But I'm afraid I really don't know where to start....Do you know anything about these things. People do it everyday, where do they start? Yes, I am passionnate about women's right, but I'm not sure what I want to get involved in... I told my therapist the other day that I feel like I'm in a gestation period ... I hope it does not take years to be born I notice I have changed a lot in the last year though. I've even quit smoking after 40 years...

It is a new life in fact. The people that were the primary focus in my adult life for the last 15 and 54 years are gone and will not return. I feel naked, confused and not quite sure what to do next. I think I am finally starting to integrate the fact that they will not return and I have to live without them. My biggest issue is that they were the people I talked with, confided in, shared my most open self with. What a godsend that I found these thread to vent some of what I'm going through and get support and feedback. How invaluable you have been to me in getting through this challenging time....