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Confused


Lexir
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Sorry in advance, this is gonna be long...

I'm having real trouble just thinking atm, important thinking. I think I'm just pushing everything that upsets me to the back of my head, I'm not sure I really just can't understand. Not so long ago I was really sad all the time, I'd cry at random times for no reason, I rarely got out of bed and generaly felt sad. But now I don't feel sad, not really, but I don't think I'm any better. Worse maybe, although I still cut myself most nights, dunno why I just feel like I have too. I'm scared, at least when I was sad I could 'handle' it, but as I am now, I dunno I can't think, and I feel nothing about anything, it's not that I don't care, I just don't. Let me explain how I got to this point.

First of all I have always been shy and unsocialable, no idea why, but I always have. I could never leave the house by myself, or do any activies by myself. I keep thinking all the people are thinking about me negtively and I can't stand it. I know it's all in my head, at least most of the time but it holds me back and tbh that's never really bothered me that much. I'm normally better with friends as The talking distracks me or depending who it is, I feel safe with them.

In school I was the most quietest student in my year, perhaps in the whole school but I wouldn't know. And I always kept with my friends I already had and grew a kind of hate towards everyone else.

I couldn't do drama lessons or presontation the first time a drama lesson came along I had a panic attack, couldn't stop crying and got removed from all over drama lessons, when it came to presontation I would just not turn up to school. I think the main reason I don't like those Is because I hate attention from all but one person. I just wish I could be left alone till I die.

From reseach I've wondered weather I have Avoidant personailty disorder or a mix of two but I don't really know.

While I've always had no sense of purpose, no plans, no dreams or goals I have never really awknowlegned it. I don't really care about that I don't really see the point none of it matter in the end.

After I was done with school I went on to sixth and tbh the reasons were I was too scared of the 'real world'. Maybe I'm just lazy and Theirs nothing wrong. I just don't see the point it seems like a waste of time, everything seems like a waste of time. I often think that humans are far too smart for their own good. Theirs is no job that I could ever do, I have little interrest in anything and I basicly can't work with other people... And everything in this world seems depended on a career.

The other reason for going to sixth form was because the only person in the world I've ever 'really' liked was going, and I was always happer when I was with him. I had a huge crush on him since year 7 although I blocked that out till year 11 when I didn't care. I remerber thinking back then that he will destroy me if I continue to care.

Over the corse of year 12 we got really close, while I knew that he could never be what he was to me, but I couldn't handle losing him. I wanted us to best friends, still be part of his life even if it's isn't in the way I had dreamed.

But between years 12-13 i started to become really iritable over the stupidest things. We also made plans for what we'd do after sixth form, together-wise ofc, and he told me most of his plans for his whole (planned) life.

Things became worse when he started talking about a sercret of his. He would never till me, although he gave me clues which tbh seems strange. Ofc I assumed this could be that he was gay, as their have been lots of clue way beforehand and his sercret clues worked with it aswells. I really had to know what it was just to know if it was that.

Not after so long I had basicly gone a little insane and depressed, even when I was with him.

I got extremly angry over little things, while at the time I'd be sure I am right, after a day or so I see the truth, anyway he decided he didn't want to be friends any more.

I tried to get back into contact so we could at least end it on as good terms as possible.

I started to fall fast after that. I stopped going to school, I stopped caring more-so then normal. I just want to rot away, started cutting myself with the penknife he gave me, to me it felt as if he was cutting me in a sense which I wanted him to do something, not just ignore me.

Ironic that as much as I hate attention I'm obsested about it when it comes to him.

I couldn't stop thinking about him, what he was doing? Was he at all upset? Is he out with girls? Has his plans changed? If he knew would he want to be friends again? Would he care if I killed myself? And so on.

I don't want to become a creepy stalker, thankfully I'm too scared to leave my house, otherwise I dunno what i'd end up doing... I just miss him so much and I don't see any future that I want, without him.

Anyway, ATM I'm confused as if I have a mental problem or if I'm just unable to get over this guy and it's affecting me badly... I really really want their to be something wrong... I want to be so fucked up that I'm beyoned help and just be locked away. I can't truly think, I hardly feel anything half the time, it hers whenever I try...

Sorry if thus is too long or something, it may take me a little while to dare to read the replys and reply.

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Hi Lexir

Sorry you are hurting so much :D

Kinda really confused about my own life at the moment and dont really know what to say, but I hope that things ease a little for you soon.

Have you considered trying to talk to a close family member or your doc and explaining how low you are feeling, and letting them know what is actually going on for you right now ?

Hope today is kind to you

Take care

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Lexi,

I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

I'm afraid it might be worse than the idea that you might be so messed up that you have to be locked away. Instead, my guess is that you're so much like everyone else that you'll have to find a way to live your life to the fullest, and I know that's a lot harder.

I'm being a bit silly, but -- I do think that you can find a way to enjoy your life. Have you considered any type of counseling? There are probably reasons why you feel the way you do, and if you found out about them (or talked about them, if you already know them), you might find that there are things you can do differently, to make your life a bit brighter.

I was depressed and withdrawn myself, at your age. I barely made it out of high school. But there is always hope.

I do hope you come back and get to read this. There's a lot that you can do; you don't have to stay stuck.

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Lexir, what makes you happy? Even for a short time. Do you have a pet? What do you like?

Cutting is NOT the answer. No matter how old you are people are always going to dissappoint you, hurt you, make your life a misery. I mean that.

Instead of cutting yourself, do something FOR yourself.

Make yourself something good to eat.

Watch a movie.

Take a long, hot bath then try to take a nap.

Go for a walk, I know you don't want to go outside but maybe if it's just a short, safe walk in an area where you don't feel threatened.

Can you sit in your backyard and get some sun on you? Even if it's just for a half hour?

Listen to some music you really like.

Play an online game with other people.

Clean up your room. :eek: I know, it doesn't sound enjoyable but if your room is a mess you feel worse. You'll actually have a feeling of accomplishment after it's clean.

Do you ever write down how you feel? Like in a journal or diary? That helps. I did that for years and it always helped me.

I'm just giving you Baby Steps to get you through your bad time. When we feel as bad as you do if you DO something, your feelings change.

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