Rejection and pathetic love

[jokes of life]

I'm aggressive and anxious, every time I find ways to move on with my life, by deciding my path in life and academics,its still not working for me, coz every time I try that route the person I loved keeps showing up in my life unexpectedly, I have reached the state of mind where I accept the rejection that took place 6 years ago(and its too young to even consider a relationship)..but that ended up breaking me,I moved to a new place but it didn't help(right after the rejection)..my only contact after that point was social networking website..and an apology letter following our meeting online after 4 years since I have seen this person. But that 6 years was hell for me..now all I want is to avoid this person, which I did by deleting all sorts of contact, but still cant move on..im just being pathetic. I cant focus on my studies, im doing premed and I know I cant carry out myself this way If I decide to be like this. Also the person I liked was a narcissist, really good looking, ultra intelligent. So my current state of mind knows that he will find anyone he wants unlike me, so I'm just beating myself down fearing that even if I find someone else I wont be able to give that part of me to someone, that I unfortunately gave it to the person I liked previously.

[David O]

Hi Jokes,

It seems you thought we forgot all about you, so you reposted your initial thread-- that's OK (we'll just delete the other one). Welcome to the family and I apologize for not having responded sooner, sometimes it can get slow here. Nonetheless, you'll have no trouble finding compassion, understanding, wisdom and sensitivity here.

Your story is not unlike the life experience of so many of us here. I think the hardest person to forget is always your first really deep love, your first very deep and intimate relationship-- that one where you felt complete and where your souls matched. Here I am in my 50's and while I can easily forget nearly all of the 150+ girls/women I dated prior to marriage, it is that first "real love" that is hardest to forget. I don't carry a torch for her, and haven't in over 30 years (yes I'm ancient), but the memories remain fresh if ever I choose to recall them. There have been 4-5 other loves and I remember them all, but there have been 1-2 that seem to have lingered the longest.

That first love (if this is that) is always a little bit foolish and filled with great curiosity, it is all consuming and somehow freeing. We use words like soul-mate, passion, he understands me like no other, he completes my thoughts and sentences, with him/her I feel whole, complete and fulfilled... well, the list things we say to ourslef and others while in the midst of it seems endless... and in the end,our first "real" love can be the most dangerous when it is also the last love.

What I've learned is that ruminations persist the longer we keep them around. Getting over this feeling is easiest done by becoming re-engaged in life, there is no other solution. You seem to have gone the opposite direction, which will only extend your pain and further isolate you so that you will have more chances to ruminate.

Being re-engaged means going out, meeting friends for coffee, having breakfast with a friend, volunteering at the library or Humane Society or soup kitchen or crisis shelter, seeing a movie (not a romance film, and avoid sad songs on the radio or CD or IPod), studying in the library and not your room. It means stepping out of your comfort zone a little and forcing yourself into the world inch by inch, day by day.

What I also know, and this sounds very callous and cold, is that relationships at your age (I assume you're young) are like buses, a new one comes along every 20 minutes (or so say my children). What this means is that there will be others and each "other" makes it easier to accept that loving requires a certain level of vulnerability and openness to being hurt--- and I would take this any day over being alone and lonely because I chose to hide and not re-experience love and affection fro fear of being hurt again.

If you have to, make a plan for yourself of what you'll do every week to not be alone for extended periods, ruminating and perseverating on him and you and what once was-- this only prolongs the pain and isolates you from others who can be a source of great support and encouragement.

Good luck and I hope this tongue in cheek response is helpful and not too insensitive and lacking in compassion. Hopefully others will chime in and offer you a different perspective.

David.

[David O]

Hi again,

I just read your other thread and it provides additional information that adds to the texture, complexity and color of the issue you raise. It seems like you've been struggling with this issue for 6 years, which is an extremely long time. Is this correct and if so, can you talk about what kept the pain, loss and sense of rejection alive over this period? If you've struggled with this for 6 years, can you look openly, honestly and deeply, to see if holding on to this this long may have served a purpose for you?

Please write back, we'll be here,

david

[jokes of life]

Hi again,

I just read your other thread and it provides additional information that adds to the texture, complexity and color of the issue you raise. It seems like you've been struggling with this issue for 6 years, which is an extremely long time. Is this correct and if so, can you talk about what kept the pain, loss and sense of rejection alive over this period? If you've struggled with this for 6 years, can you look openly, honestly and deeply, to see if holding on to this this long may have served a purpose for you?

Please write back, we'll be here,

david

Firstly, thank you so much for that honest opinion and I'll keep that in mind. Yes I did rewrite the story here in more detail because I thought the previous post lacked details. Because about this same problem I have spoken to so many people who always gave me the best advice..which is to move on.. but that clearly my brain didn't understand.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling so much with this, jokes of life. I can relate on many levels. I remember in high school when I had a crush on someone for 4 years who didn't reciprocate my feelings. Of course back then I was way too shy to indicate to him my interest in him, but anyway...I've always had great difficulty letting go. For me, it's several things. I have a tendency to ruminate and obsess over other things as well. For a time, it seemed almost as if my brain needed to focus intently on something or I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I also think that when I was focused on someone who was unavailable, I was avoiding engaging with others who may have been. Letting go is very challenging for me. I think part of this is due to the tendency to obsess and part is due to avoidance. If I have genuinely cared for someone, though, and have loved them and lost them I also fear forgetting them. This fear of forgetting, I believe, stems from a fear of losing the aspects of myself which they brought out. I don't know if any of this fits with you, JOL. Maybe try asking yourself some questions.

Where is the pain in this? And, as David asked, how does holding on serve you? Do you think this keeps you from engaging with others and thus keeps you protected from being deeply hurt? Are you fearful of losing aspects of yourself? I try and think of these aspects of myself as my potential. It's something which is held in me and is a part of me. Losing others may dim the light some at first, but the light still remains within me. It's a discovery of yourself and something which you keep.

Maybe try putting these thoughts away in the corner of your mind (works for me sometimes) and engage with life. This type of thinking keeps you from living your life and feeling things in the moment. It keeps you frozen in the past and yearning for what might have been. Try and take some steps to live life now and to create a happier tomorrow. Others will bring out your gifts. They aren't lost to you. David has offered some good suggestions to get you started. Good luck and I hope things get better for you, JOL.

[David O]

Good morning Jokes of life,

I was wondering if you have similar issues around other things--- do you feel a lot of anxieties? Do you struggle in other areas of life? I ask this b/c you seem to be describing an addictive type of relationship to some extent-- is this possible.

There was this one woman I dated who kept breaking up with me every 4-7 months, breaking my heart. It was the perfect weight loss solution as I would drop 20-30lbs each time (very bad for my heart in 2 ways). She would call after 3-4 months and like a lapdog, I'd be there ready to restart the relationship. Neither of us could let go and my friends would tell me i was addicted or even a little obssessed to her and the relationship. We've long since broken up, but the entire episode lasted around 3-4 painfully delicious years.

I think most of us have experienced an addictive relationship, one that consumed us and even when breaking up, we felt the barnacles of the relationship infused to our skin and heart. The questions raised by Irmajean require some deep thinking on your part and are worth looking into in order to set yourself free.

David

[IrmaJean]

Airports have broadband, so I'm sitting here in the airport typing this. After reading David's post, I have another thought. There is a stage in relationships where there is initially an "excitement" phase. These feelings are very stimulating and energizing and some may actually become addicted to the excited feelings rather than the person they are having the excited feelings about. So maybe something else to consider with this...

[jokes of life]

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling so much with this, jokes of life. I can relate on many levels. I remember in high school when I had a crush on someone for 4 years who didn't reciprocate my feelings. Of course back then I was way too shy to indicate to him my interest in him, but anyway...I've always had great difficulty letting go. For me, it's several things. I have a tendency to ruminate and obsess over other things as well. For a time, it seemed almost as if my brain needed to focus intently on something or I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I also think that when I was focused on someone who was unavailable, I was avoiding engaging with others who may have been. Letting go is very challenging for me. I think part of this is due to the tendency to obsess and part is due to avoidance. If I have genuinely cared for someone, though, and have loved them and lost them I also fear forgetting them. This fear of forgetting, I believe, stems from a fear of losing the aspects of myself which they brought out. I don't know if any of this fits with you, JOL. Maybe try asking yourself some questions.

Where is the pain in this? And, as David asked, how does holding on serve you? Do you think this keeps you from engaging with others and thus keeps you protected from being deeply hurt? Are you fearful of losing aspects of yourself? I try and think of these aspects of myself as my potential. It's something which is held in me and is a part of me. Losing others may dim the light some at first, but the light still remains within me. It's a discovery of yourself and something which you keep.

Maybe try putting these thoughts away in the corner of your mind (works for me sometimes) and engage with life. This type of thinking keeps you from living your life and feeling things in the moment. It keeps you frozen in the past and yearning for what might have been. Try and take some steps to live life now and to create a happier tomorrow. Others will bring out your gifts. They aren't lost to you. David has offered some good suggestions to get you started. Good luck and I hope things get better for you, JOL.

Thanks for looking into my problem, and since you have been through the same phase in your life it easy to talk about this, and you are right about me holding myself back from engaging from others, but its not because I fear being hurt by someone else, its because no one else means the same to me as he meant to me, at the same time I want to forget him, and everytime I attempt that some event reminds me back about him like I know someone who lost the person she loves and is undergoing the same psychological problem I'm going through but she occassionally brings out that topic and my mind wanders to the old thoughts. After reading davids post I have reflected on this relationship and it seems to me that it is an addictive relationship, I just read about that after reading his post and it seems true.

[jokes of life]

Airports have broadband, so I'm sitting here in the airport typing this. After reading David's post, I have another thought. There is a stage in relationships where there is initially an "excitement" phase. These feelings are very stimulating and energizing and some may actually become addicted to the excited feelings rather than the person they are having the excited feelings about. So maybe something else to consider with this...

Thanks for your time. Yes you are right it does get me really excited like I stay awake late at night to chat with him or just to start a conversation, but I feel really ignorant when I talk to him because he is really smart and I get dissapointed and usually go offline, but when he talks to me I stay really happy, I just want to keep the conversation going but don't to appear vulnerable and obvious. But I remember that day I really see life differently even though it only last for a really less time, now that everything is over I don't see the positive aspect of my life, the conversation I carry out with anyone else doesn't seem special to me when others around me find it interesting or when someone else signals me they like me.

[jokes of life]

Good morning Jokes of life,

I was wondering if you have similar issues around other things--- do you feel a lot of anxieties? Do you struggle in other areas of life? I ask this b/c you seem to be describing an addictive type of relationship to some extent-- is this possible.

There was this one woman I dated who kept breaking up with me every 4-7 months, breaking my heart. It was the perfect weight loss solution as I would drop 20-30lbs each time (very bad for my heart in 2 ways). She would call after 3-4 months and like a lapdog, I'd be there ready to restart the relationship. Neither of us could let go and my friends would tell me i was addicted or even a little obssessed to her and the relationship. We've long since broken up, but the entire episode lasted around 3-4 painfully delicious years.

I think most of us have experienced an addictive relationship, one that consumed us and even when breaking up, we felt the barnacles of the relationship infused to our skin and heart. The questions raised by Irmajean require some deep thinking on your part and are worth looking into in order to set yourself free.

David

Thats must have been really hurful, you must have loved this person so much and they just lead you on all along and took your emotions for granted.

I just read an article that describes addictive relationship and after thinking for a while it does seem to me like that all that describes addictive relationship is exactly how my relationship have been, or for the most part I have been lead on up until now, because we never talk about it even if he knows I'm hurt and am trying to get over him.

My anxieties is academics, I really get nervous about exams but most of the time I dont do bad, I can easily overcome it but the guy I liked was really good academically and thats part of the reason I felt really attracted to him. I have always never dared to confront him or have a normal conversation with him because I feel ridiculous most of the time, I he talk like he is writing a book and half the time I keep wondering what he said so I avoid complicated conversations with him, but I do know that we both are avoiding strange conversation because he is really open about topics like wedding and personal life with my friends but not with me.

[David O]

Good morning Jokes of Life,

This must be such a struggle, even today, years after the relationship ended. It's interesting how quickly you transitioned from academic anxiety to how bright your ex was, almost as if his very essence colors your world somehow. One thing that did stick out is that with your struggles also seem to linger around issues of self esteem and self confidence-- issues that did not allow you to be fully in the relationship b/c you maybe felt intimidated or less than him. Is this true? Having said that, the curious piece for me is not that he was bright academically, but that you keep that brightness alive, as you seem to dim yours, to the point that today, several years later, it continues to haunt your self esteem, self confidence and self evaluation!

I'm wondering if part of your anxieties with him have less to do with his intelligence and more with your self "rejective" beliefs when it came to him. I know that for me I always felt like a 2 legged stool in need of repair or something when I felt intellectually intimidated around someone I deeply cared about. This was so pronounced that I felt as if I dropped 10-15 IQ points around them and that stuttering was my 4th or 5th language. Having overcome this sensation freed me to date extremely powerful/strong/intelligent/soulful/"self made" women (women who had a voice and used it, women whose strength could bend steel, women whose very essence silenced most men). No I didn't go around looking for female mental bodybuilders, but it meant that I could and would no longer be frightened of someone else's strengths and voice, be it male of female. This was a significant hurdle having been a poor minority kid who at one time started life as a illegal immigrant, migrant worker who spoke limited English until his late teens.

So, the solution may not be who he was, but who were and are in his presence and in the presence of those parts of him that are barnacled to you. Does this sound correct?

David

[jokes of life]

Good morning Jokes of Life,

This must be such a struggle, even today, years after the relationship ended. It's interesting how quickly you transitioned from academic anxiety to how bright your ex was, almost as if his very essence colors your world somehow. One thing that did stick out is that with your struggles also seem to linger around issues of self esteem and self confidence-- issues that did not allow you to be fully in the relationship b/c you maybe felt intimidated or less than him. Is this true? Having said that, the curious piece for me is not that he was bright academically, but that you keep that brightness alive, as you seem to dim yours, to the point that today, several years later, it continues to haunt your self esteem, self confidence and self evaluation!

I'm wondering if part of your anxieties with him have less to do with his intelligence and more with your self "rejective" beliefs when it came to him. I know that for me I always felt like a 2 legged stool in need of repair or something when I felt intellectually intimidated around someone I deeply cared about. This was so pronounced that I felt as if I dropped 10-15 IQ points around them and that stuttering was my 4th or 5th language. Having overcome this sensation freed me to date extremely powerful/strong/intelligent/soulful/"self made" women (women who had a voice and used it, women whose strength could bend steel, women whose very essence silenced most men). No I didn't go around looking for female mental bodybuilders, but it meant that I could and would no longer be frightened of someone else's strengths and voice, be it male of female. This was a significant hurdle having been a poor minority kid who at one time started life as a illegal immigrant, migrant worker who spoke limited English until his late teens.

So, the solution may not be who he was, but who were and are in his presence and in the presence of those parts of him that are barnacled to you. Does this sound correct?

David

[Hermitt]

I'm aggressive and anxious, every time I find ways to move on with my life, by deciding my path in life and academics,its still not working for me, coz every time I try that route the person I loved keeps showing up in my life unexpectedly, I have reached the state of mind where I accept the rejection that took place 6 years ago(and its too young to even consider a relationship)..but that ended up breaking me,I moved to a new place but it didn't help(right after the rejection)..my only contact after that point was social networking website..and an apology letter following our meeting online after 4 years since I have seen this person. But that 6 years was hell for me..now all I want is to avoid this person, which I did by deleting all sorts of contact, but still cant move on..im just being pathetic. I cant focus on my studies, im doing premed and I know I cant carry out myself this way If I decide to be like this. Also the person I liked was a narcissist, really good looking, ultra intelligent. So my current state of mind knows that he will find anyone he wants unlike me, so I'm just beating myself down fearing that even if I find someone else I wont be able to give that part of me to someone, that I unfortunately gave it to the person I liked previously.

Ever consider it just not meant to be? I know, as you said, you have tried to move on but somehow reminders keep popping up, that's just dumb bad luck, isn't it?

I've been in your situation a few times myself so I know how you feel. Trying to avoid him also is keeping the feeling alive. I don't know what to tell you, you seem kind of stuck. Maybe the only thing is Time. Do what you have to do to get through your days and in time things might change. I wish I had some magic formula for you but I don't but you have my empathy.

From the way you describe him, I think you might be better off alone or with someone else. Being alone isn't so bad if you can get enough squirrels and chipmunks to move in with ya. :eek: That's a direct quote from Ernest T. Bass on Andy of Mayberry. :)

[jokes of life]

@ Hermitt,

thanks a lot for your opinion, specially abt the bad luck and the magic formula, I didn't expect any great formulas to transform my life or I didn't even write about my life in public to earn any empathy, just I was wondering if it was someone else how would they have dealt with such stuck up sucky relationship. And about the chipmunks and squirrels I never knew that was the perfect solution to your lonely life. I'm not much of an animal lover I'm better off alone by myself

JOF