Accepting is so hard... :~(

[Luna-]

A week ago, a realisation struck me, yet another thing I have to accept and let go of. It hurts so much. I haven’t posted about it because 1. I’ve just been too exhausted from crying over it and 2. I’m not ready to hear suggestions or advice or any “cheer-ups”. I’ve hesitated to even bring it up, because I know all of these are offered with great kindness and really helpful intentions, and I so much appreciate that, but sometimes that just makes me feel as if my hurt is not being heard and I’m being rushed to move on.

And I so badly don’t want to offend or drive anyone away – I really need you. Just please can I ask you not to try and make me feel better? Right now, I don’t feel open to hearing “look on the bright side” or “it’s not so bad” or any kind of “cheer up” attempts to make me see anything positive. I know that it’s unlikely to be as bad as I think.

It’s a “mourning the loss of a healthy self” type of issue and I feel I need to actually mourn before I get back up and look on the bright side, find the silver lining etc. I’ll adjust, I will be OK. I’ll talk about it when I’m ready, when I have it in proportion, when I feel I can explain it as it is.

There has been adjustment after adjustment since I was dx’ed and sometimes it overtakes my capacity. I’m clean out of adjustmentness.

I’m sorry to be cryptic. It’s not awful, it’s nothing that happened and things will be OK. I’m staring at the closed door and not looking at the ones that are opening.

I think maybe I just need to cry it out, discharge the upset, you know?

[Lindamomof7]

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[DahliMOMMA]

((((Luna & Linda)))

[Lindamomof7]

Thanks Meg

[Luna-]

Damn. Everytime I sit down to write this post, I write a book. I don’t want to post a book.

So, long story short: I’ve lost some cognitive ability. I don’t know the extent. I don’t know if it’s temporary or permanent. I don’t know if my brain has changed (it can in bipolar and I know my BP has worsened) or if it is only due to my medication. I know Seroquel has a dumbing-down effect on me and now I sure understand why med compliance is an issue in BP.

But either way, I’m still screwed. On Seroquel I’m dumbed down. Off Seroquel I WILL become lethally depressed again which makes me equally dumbed down. I have tried so many other meds and Seroquel was a valuable find. I still need all the others I’m on, but this combination keeps me, if not completely stable, at least stable enough to function, sometimes better, sometimes worse, but I can function. I can have a life. I dare not stop taking it now.

And I’m realising I have to settle. I’ve lived on my cognitive ability, it’s been central to my identity. I’m no rocket scientist but what I have, has seen me through emotionally rough periods. It's how I get through. The prospect of losing it, OK some of it, terrifies me.

I feel open to comments, suggestions, advice and "cheer-ups" now and I'd be grateful for some input. I want to move on somehow. Crying gives me too many headaches; it's been pounding all day again. I like being at home, I have no shortage of things that keep me busy and that I enjoy doing. I do get out, I'm not housebound, but I don't socialise. I've not been in touch with friends for... over a year. Some even years. Who knows if they're still there as friends. I'm hiding, it's safe, but it's not good for me and I don't want to shrivel up because then everything just gets harder. And I have enough problems already.

I’ve switched from reading how bipolars score lower on memory and processing speed tests to reading about neuroplasticity. I know I catastrophise. It’s likely to be less than I think. But the thing is, it’s not nothing. It’s scary. How do I live now? Who am I now?

[Symora]

You continue to be who you have always been Luna, just different. We all lose some abilities as we get older, for various reasons. I'm also adjusting to being much 'slower' than I used to be after I don't know how many burnouts. I find it challenging as well, since my identity was so tied to how productive I was. I watched my parents and grandma have to adjust to many such changes over the years, including loss of cognitive ability, memory loss, etc. As someone once said, 'growing old is not for the faint of heart'. I think that can perhaps be said for people who are challenged with mental illness as well... Life is learning, that's the bottom line I guess.

[Lindamomof7]

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[Symora]

I can really understand that. What keeps me going is thinking about what that would do to my kids. I may be depressive, but I am not cruel and I just could not do that to them ... Do you find that your kids give you courage to go on?

[Lindamomof7]

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[musemuse]

Luna,

Things within and around about us are constantly changing, and sometimes I consider some of the things as losses, too. I know it hurts, badly. But there is nothing that can be done about it now. You said that you are tired of

accepting

; I get tired too. I am really to a place where I'm afraid to dream a dream and get it, or want something spectatular for myself, while it may not be such to others. I'm afraid to desire something good in my life, I have loss so much within the past few years. What to do? For right now stay, stand, or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes, being still helps. I say that because as sure as the sun rises in the sky, another change is coming, and sometimes we just have to wait for that change which will prove better. It is fine to cry, I go through moods/cycles of crying too. But you have to keep looking for a change, which turns out to be a better something. Nothing can ever take away that loss, but at least some changes in our lives, plants it down a little deeper, to where it doesn't bother us as much.

I’ve switched from reading how bipolars score lower on memory and processing speed tests to reading about neuroplasticity. I know I catastrophise. It’s likely to be less than I think. But the thing is, it’s not nothing. It’s scary. How do I live now? Who am I now?

We, ourselves, change like the wind and seasons. We do rediscover ourselves because we earn a bit more knowledge and wisdom with all the changes.

I watch a lot of PBS programs about animals and seasons. Watch how the animals grow and survive; we do the same. We are creatures who lose, grow, and survive or evolve.

[Luna-]

Thanks again for replies, everyone.

I've thought a lot more about this and I think that I am establishing for myself that Seroquel is the major culprit here. Getting older is obviously involved, but the decrease was much more noticeable after I began to take Seroquel.

So I've joined the bipolars who don't like their meds because they dull us. I'm still on the side of taking the meds, I know the alternative and it's not pretty. I'll probably always be on that side. But maybe there'll be something other than Seroquel in the future that I can move to, that won't try try to wrestle IQ points from me? New meds are being found all the time. Two new triple-reuptake inhibitor anti-depressants are in clinical trials, they will have the action of the tricyclics without the SEs of the tricyclics.

There'll be new third-generation anti-psychotics one fine day. The brain is neuro-plastic. I've ordered a book called "The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science". I hope it will inspire me.

Yadda, yadda. I can recite the good stuff. I mean, it does exist. But it would be nice to feel it, too.

Mixed episodes are the work of somebody with a very warped, sick sense of humour. *sigh* Whoever thought this would be a cool trick to play on someone's mind should be hung, drawn and quartered. Slowly. *sigh*

I am bouncing like I used to do on the trampoline . There is a core 'me' in here somewhere but she is confused and tired. The cycles magnify every emotion and I lurch from one to the next to the next and back again. It's great to feel emotions, I want that. But please could the volume be turned down a little? At the end of each day, I've laughed and I've cried. I've cracked jokes and been sharp (well, relatively and for a short time) and I have sat and wished that I could die now. I've noticed that I have written a huge number of posts recently. That's a sign. I have the "wired but tired" thing going on.

Since suicide isn't an option, couldn't I get a quick heart attack? Maybe I should start piling on the saturated fats and the trans fats. I'd smoke but I can't stand the taste of it. I'd drink, except that on my meds, I get such awful hangovers and headaches, it's not worth the misery. How else could I speed up my demise? Oh, put on weight. Hah. That one will be easy.

How do you know the difference between very rapid cycling and a mixed state? Does anyone know? oh well, does it even matter... Knowing the difference won't make me feel any better. (But does anyone know?)

"Anything is better than depression." My credo. And it is still true, so maybe I shouldn't complain. I'm just so sick of it all. Sick of bipolar, sick of moods, sick of everything that always needs doing,sick of fighting against entropy, sick of life.

I'm sorry about the negativity, but I'm despondent again. I feel a bit sorry for myself. I'll pluck myself out of bed in the mornings, because anything is better than depression, but a little enthusiasm would sure be nice. Most of the time I'm wired but tired. I have some energy, but I feel depressed.Then a brief respite and I start to think what I could do, then it vanishes. I am so heartily sick of this. *tears*

My soul is tired. My soul is depleted.

[katleen]

Dear Luna,

You do sound tired and discouraged...

It's okay.. ..I don't want you to feel bad, Luna.

I know about flat. It sucks . I hate it. I don't get my warm fuzzies, like looking at pretty colors and designs. Maybe we should just rock-n-roll for fun a couple times a years.....maybe declare certain months sacred in some way meaning we can do that..

Do you like what you bought? Was it fun for you?

This site talks about differences.

http://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/psychiatric-disorder-definitions/what-is-bipolar-disorder-manic-depression/menu-id-71/

May tomorrow be better for you,

loves and hugs

katleen

http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/index.htm

This isn't about bipolar, but PTSD. Just thought "everyone might have had experience with one.

Good night, Luna

Sleep in peace