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John, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You were very much meant to be. Though your parents may not have recognized this and you weren't conceived with intention, you are indeed a gift. There are very many of us here who care about you. Maybe then the time has come to receive yourself. I wish I could think of more to say right now, but my mind is fairly numb and tired. Know that I'm here and I care. You very much belong as we all do.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi John,

I feel very concerned about you and how awful you are feeling. There are several things I want to point out about your thinking and feeling.

You have constructed a dialogue in your head of how you were conceived, how you were thought of when you were born and how people felt about you afterward. I am assuming that you have created this scenario because I do not know how you would get the information about what you biological parents said and did before you were conceived, when you were conceived and after your birth.

You believe that you are the unwanted child. I have a strong sense that there are more reasons for your thinking this way than you adoption.

For one thing, depression is a powerful force. Sometimes we create a script to explain why we are depressed or sometimes there is a combination of remembered events and the script we create. The main point is that you are feeling very depressed and suicidal.

For another thing, do you realize that if you committed suicide you would be doing to your child what your parents did to you? You would be abandoning your little girl.

John, you need to get help. You really need to enter psychotherapy and, maybe, to start anti depressant medicine.

You are not needed? It seems to me that you were asked to be a moderator here. Is that being "not needed?"

Allan :(

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Hi John, I think you are going through a heartwrenching process and it's a roller coaster ride. I like what Alan had to say about the internal dialogue you have created, how it may not reflect reality and probably feeds your feelings of alienation.

Is there some way you can try to rewrite that dialogue, make it into something that is perhaps less traumatic for you? When I was reading your post I too felt that this is all stuff you don't know for sure, you have only imagined it. Perhaps the reality of what happened is completely different from what you have imagined... perhaps you were more wanted than you think, but the situation was such that it was her only option...

I get a sense that this living between two worlds, where you know your birth mother is there, within reach, but innaccessible, is wearing at you and creating a lot of inner turmoil. Is that possible John?

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Guest ASchwartz


"Just forget it" is an expression of anger. Of course, depression and anger go together. Perhaps you could talk about what you are angry about?

You are aware, are you not, that once you say "forget it" we will remember it all the more?


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