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My rant.


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When I am in darkess I appreciate when someone tries to shine a light, show me that it is not always darkness and there is hope. I see lots of people here who say I hear you, I understand what you're saying. Few are professionals here, and we all do the best we can to support each other I think, hoping that perhaps something we say will be helpful to the other ... I guess I'm not clear on what need your trying to express Calla?

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Hi Calla,

Rant away!! Personally, I think a good rant now and then is a good thing. I tend to have a few daily though :(

I think what I hear you saying is that human suffering can't be compared and I agree with that. Everyone has a different tolerance level for it and we all have different ways to cope with it and different needs from those around us to support us.

I think that's one of the hard things about this format. You can't always tell from written word what the writer needs at any given moment. Heck..it's hard enough face to face with even your best friend because needs evolve and change frequently! And I for one, unfortunately, haven't mastered that reading minds thing yet. I keep trying though :)

I know, for myself, sometimes I need someone to just be there and hold my hand and let me know they care and I'm not alone. (Actually, this is usually what I need.) Other times, although it makes me frustrated and angry, I need someone to be in my face saying "this isn't working for you and here are some ways to move forward." I guess I'm a little more patient when they guess wrong when I try to remember that whatever they try to do when I'm in pain and can't get myself to do anything is that everything they do is because they care......even when they don't always "get it right."

I think those who suggest therapy etc, are the ones who have been there and are sharing what worked for them. But, of course there isn't any solution to pain that is "one size fits all". I don't think these suggestions are because they've forgotton who deep the depths are, I think it's the exact opposite......they remember how difficult it was and are makeing suggestions that might help others not to go through the same thing once they found something that helped.

I guess I've found that the best way to get what I need from those who care is to ask for it. If they start spouting off advice and what I really need is a hug. I cut them off and ask for that. I think that would work here too.

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Oh man. It’s coming around again. A type of “seer” once gave me an unsolicited viewpoint about my “life task”. He said that I am a “Bridge” person. I am meant to straddle metaphorical “rivers” and be a means for others to get to the other side and cross back and forth. Yes, that was a bit “out there” for me too! But I began to see how it’s been a recurring theme in my life, both before and after I was told this. I didn’t take this on as a mission, but you know, it’s funny how often I find myself doing it without any deliberate decision.

Be that as it may, that was a long-winded way of saying: Here I am again sitting on both “banks” at once. Like you Danni – if I were psychic I’d say you’re a bridge too *smile*

Sometimes I also just want to be heard and I don’t want to be told “Well, at least you have xyz”, “try and see that xyz would help", “just do xyz”,” you make the decision to stay stuck” and, well, you get the picture. I so get you Calla, I return to it many times. I did again about a week ago, see here.

Anais Nin said it: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” It happened and then therapy appeared on the scene. Grudgingly and with difficulty (you bet I was majorly invested in my pain – joy was unspeakably scary and 90% of me seriously didn’t want it, it would make me SO wrong) I began to see that all those irritating things people were saying to me were true, they were good advice. They felt condescending, they felt judgmental and they felt callous but ignoring the words, they communicated compassion. They were/are offered in compassion. How they landed with me came from my side. Buried very deeply inside me, too deep to see, was the knowledge that I chose to see them this way. We’re infinitely masterful at burying stuff and we spend enormous energy keeping it there because we must desperately defend against being wrong. We construct safety; feeling protected is a deep human need.

Somehow the 10% latched onto Albert Camus’: “In the midst of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” I know I’m heavy on the quotes, but Leonard Cohen (he of the “music to slash your wrists by”) was once asked if he believed in God and he said “I must”. And I reckon most of those here who are offering suggestions, possible ways out, things that helped them, are on that bank of the river, they know they must believe they can have a better life and not give in to despair. I’m not sure despair ever goes away, at least it doesn’t for me, but I must believe. I'm sure David must have to believe too, all that stuff can't be forgotten. And of course it goes for everyone here. Without hope, life is excrutiatingly hard. I think the reaching out with suggestions is trying to throw out a rope to cling to, knowing how pain feels, no matter the measure of it.

Personally I find that when someone mentions what they’ve been through it adds enormous validity and inspiration to what they are saying. It inspires confidence in me that I can do this too. Even though it still sometimes (when I just get too tired) confirms to me how worthless and useless I am for not just getting up again. It's encouragement to get up again when I have even a scrap of strength back. Because someone actually cares if I do.

Thank you for ranting Calla. I’m glad you stood up and presented your viewpoint because if you didn’t the two "banks" would polarise even more, and both would feel rejected and misunderstood (witness the wars the world gets into). Simultaneously (damn these paradoxes, they will drive me crazy…. oh I forgot, I already am) I’m glad Symora said what she did because if no-one said that, we’d just dig ourselves in deeper and deeper until eventually there’d be no 10% or any percent left in anyone to find any kind of summer anywhere.

I hope all this doesn't sound as if I have some special kind of insight! I cling to this because I must.

Sometimes I’m useless and sometimes I have a worthwhile contribution to make. Sometimes I wonder if it’s that bridge thing! Sometimes the traffic gets too damn heavy and the flood warnings just too damn unfair. Somehow I must believe that even if I break, I can be rebuilt.

And in the final analysis, it does come down to making that heroic choice. And sometimes that choice has to be made over and over. And most people won't understand how hard that is and won't grant you any credit for it. But there will always be those who do.

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Guest ASchwartz

Calla and Everyone,

I agree that it can be really good to "rant," and, if you can't have a good rant here, where can you have one? :)

However, there is one thing I am noticing that is concerning me. Call, you seem to have deleted some of your posts, even the rant? Am I correct? If I am correct, why did you? I've noticed other people sometimes do this. It worries me. Its kind of like saying, "I'm rubbing myself out."

What do you think?


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Calla - I'm so with Allan - please won't you consider putting your post back? I feel as if it's a very core issue. Your first post was the voice for a lot of people and your viewpoint is a valuable one to discuss in a support forum. It's SOOO relevant!

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