maddyC Posted June 4, 2010 Report Share Posted June 4, 2010 i know i've posted here before and all but its really weird i really think hat i am going to do somethign extremely rash and uncalled for. i 've bought 15 boxes of asprin. i haven't been sleeping lately and i just don't know if its that but someone keeps on calling my name and they're going to kill me. when i do sleep i have night terrors and scream and shake and well wake my whole house hold. they really are going to kill me and thats why i bought the asprin, just incase they find out where i live. i don't want to kill myself, i just don't want them to kill me. i am posting here because i've never really had thoughts like this before and i guess i am absolutly terrified that they're going to find me, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danni Posted June 4, 2010 Report Share Posted June 4, 2010 Hi Maddy,What you're going through sounds really terrifying!! I'm wondering if there is anything that you can identify that may have triggered these dreams? Is there anything identifyable in them? What was the purpose of buying 15 bottles of aspirin? What do you think about not having them around? They would just be there to temp you if you get too scared or desperate.When do you see your psychologist again? Maybe you could think about moving up that appointment?do you have any thought stopper exercises? Anything that could get you out of your head and recognize it's just a dream and things that can help you calm yourself???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 4, 2010 Report Share Posted June 4, 2010 Hi Maddy. I'm sorry this has been happening to you. I would recommend contacting your therapist right away. Hopefully he/she can direct as to what steps to take next. I hope you feel better, Maddy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted June 4, 2010 Report Share Posted June 4, 2010 Hi Maddy,I agree that you need to contact your therapist immediately. You could be experiencing psychotic symptoms for some reason. Perhaps you should go to the hospital emergency room and have youself evaluated. I am also alarmed about the bottles of aspirin you have purchased. I suspect that we are all worried that you may hurt yourself and we don't want that to happen.Allan:( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddyC Posted June 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 okay so the thoughts and paranoia did get really really bad latter on so i called the suicide help line and thy convinced me to flush the asprin down the toilet. i can't believe i actually called them. maybe i just needed someone to physically talk to and well try to sanitize my unruly thoughts. i saw my psayychologist on monday and i don't know i think i might need to change therapists. i told her about it and she said 'i thought that would happen' i am young and i guess i don't really know what she meant by that but it just didn't sit right. but that may be my problem too because i tend to skew the truth about my feelings. i am one of those stupid superficial people thats all bubbly and fun on the outside and protects myself by either lieing or not telling the whole truth or saying it in that stupid nothing's wrong voice i don't need your help voice. god you can imagine how i sounded when i told her in this chirpy voice that i've been hearing voices for almost a week and they're hunting me down but it didn't really matter because even though i was very close to downing 15 bottles of asprin it was all okay because i called the suicide help line and flushed them down the toilet. *all smiles*maybe i just have stupid trust issues... i don't know... i just wish they could read my mind it would help with the whole expressing my self so much better. ahhh anyway sorry to be such a drag but thanks for your concern:D and there i am doing it again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted June 8, 2010 Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 Hi Maddy,You are quite harsh towards yourself. You call yourself superficial and stupid. That could be one part of your problem. You need to accept yourself. We all make mistakes, have limitations, etc.Have you seen a psychiatrist (MD)?Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustTrying Posted June 8, 2010 Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 I feel for you and PLEASE see a doctor.... suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.... you are in my thoughts.JT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddyC Posted June 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2010 okay so shwartz, i see everyone. well it feels like that i have my gp, psychologist, psychiarist. my gp mainly checks my vitals, only sometimes do i tell anything to my psychologist and well i am too scared to even really talk to my psychiatrist just in case she see's whats really there and i well i am a danger to myself and firstly i don't want her telling my mum and secondly (i've been admitted to hospital 2 before for ed issues) and i don't want to be admitted to hospital. i guess i am only calling myself stupid because i pay for all these people and yet i am totally unwilling to tell the truth. oh and because to stop these 'psychotic thoughts' i haven't been eating and i am just not getting anywhere. it's annoying thats all that i have put so much work to recovering from this eating disorder that when i finnally start working properly and get back into reality what i had been working towards (psychotic episode) is so much worse than starvation. i don't want to be dopped up for the rest of my life on some antipsychotic. they used to do that to me in hospital because i just wouldn't stop excercising and well they ended up giving me so much that i can not even remember weeks of my hospitalisation at all. i don't want the rest of my life to be like that. so starvation is really my only answer- my only other choice. i guess i am torn. i want to 'live' but i don't want to live with voices in my head trying to kill me. i really wish there was a simple answer, i am in such a state of confussion and yet i wont tell anyone that has the physical means to help me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danni Posted June 9, 2010 Report Share Posted June 9, 2010 maddy, I'd like to encourage you to be honest with your heath professionals. They can't help you if they don't have all the information to do it. And honestly, they could be inadvertenty hurting you if they don't have the correct information to diagnose and treat!! Please Please Please tell them the truth. What you're describing is very serious and needs care. We will be here to support you too. You deserve to feel better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted June 9, 2010 Report Share Posted June 9, 2010 Hi MaddyC,I believe you have clarified things for all of us. I cannot give you a diagnosis over the Internet but I am guessing, and only guessing, that you do hot have a psychotic illness. Instead, you are suffering from a serious eating disorder. In fact, it sounds a lot like Anorexia Nervosa. In the hospital, they medicate you in order to get you to eat. My point is this: This need not be an illness you suffer from for the rest of your life. You can fully recover.In my opinion, you are not telling your doctors the truth because you fear that, if you do, you will gain weight. Maddy, you are slowly committing suicide by not eating. You believe that you have control by not eating. However, its not true because that is not real control.JT is right, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Tell you doctors the truth. Please.Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddyC Posted June 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2010 i have called my psychiatrists office and have arranged a closer appointment. okay so i don't want my psychiatrist to see me in this state. i am in a really strange head space. like this is odd but the thought that the only way i am going to get away from the person hunting me is if i completely strip off and go swimming in the local river. i think it would work. i don't think it would be able to find me there. i think i would be safe there. i think i might go there. it seems like the perfect solution doesn't it., gosh i love it when things just click. thanks for all your help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna- Posted June 9, 2010 Report Share Posted June 9, 2010 ... i don't want to be dopped up for the rest of my life on some antipsychotic. they used to do that to me in hospital ... they ended up giving me so much that i can not even remember weeks of my hospitalisation at all. i don't want the rest of my life to be like that. Hi MaddyI'm on an anti-psychotic and I'm not all doped up. You don't have to be. In hospital they did so to slow you down, I expect. But once you were out they'd lower the dose so you weren't doped. Or find another AP that didn't zombiefy you. But you don't have to live doped up for the rest of your life (what life would that be?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mscat Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 just a thought, your eating disorder can be messing up certain chemicals in your brain , and or your electroltes can be way off balance, causing you to have strange thoughts and paranioa. I had a terrible eating disorder and it is very difficult to stop. I have stopped a long time ago with the ED> Now I have /heard voicies and parania . So I take a antipsychotic now. I do not feel all doped up , just calmer now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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