Can I ask

[Calla]

...a moderator or likewise a tricky question?

[IrmaJean]

I'm listening, Calla.

[Calla]

Thank you. I hope this doesn't sounds like a stupid time wasting question. But I am trying to make the most of this site both by asking and answering (as good as my answers are)

But I am stuggling a bit with my alcohol. For many hours of the day this is honestly not a problem...but sometimes I know when I have gone too far. I just wonder if there is anyway (if I recognise this is happening) I can ask to have myself banned for a while.

I don't want to make the mistake again of posting when I have binged. But I don't want to be banned completely when I want to try and offer some help. Does that sounds stupid? I just dont' want to make any misjudgements again.

[IrmaJean]

Calla, the drinking does concern me. How about you come to the site and post instead of drinking? Just a thought...

I think I'll have to confer with the other moderators about this request.

[Calla]

Ok thank you. I do want to say it's not all day or anything. It's a few hrs some evenings.

But if people think I am doing more harm than good please tell me and ban me completely. My main aim now is to try and help people. Just some times I can't stop myself. But I NEVER drink during the day and not every day...so I do have lucid times.

Sorry I didn't mean to land you with this. I just don't want to do any more harm, just good.

[Calla]

When people talk about a broken heart do you think it is possible that it actually breaks? Because for some reason thats how my heart feels after saying that

Maybe I should have kept quiet but I wanted to be honest. But man that hurt.

[IrmaJean]

What hurt, Calla?

[Calla]

Just having to say that out loud.

[Calla]

I wish I hadn't said anything....I am stupid stupid STUPID, useless useless USELESS. Who am I to think I could help anyone. Just ban me completely incase I spread my horrific uselessness. Although I suspect I am about to be banned anyway.

[IrmaJean]

Can I say something, Calla? Why is it so difficult for you to accept the possibility that you are truly a good, kind and caring person? Is considering this painful in some way? Of course you can help others. Try having some faith in yourself and in your "goodness" as a human being. I have faith in you, Calla.

[Calla]

I've never done any physical harm to myself when I get frustrated. I wonder if my version of self harm is mental abuse

Although alcohol and forcing myself to run is perhaps physical abuse too :confused:

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Calla,

I can answer your question based on reading all or most of your posts.

In my opinion, you do lots of mental self abuse. It concerns me because it has to do with really hating yourself. The alcohol is probably an attempt to self medicate but it really doesn't do you any good because alcohol just makes people feel more depressed. Yes, even the alcohol can be a form of self punishment.

Of course, the question is why you believe you deserve this punishment/

Allan:)

[Luna-]

Alcohol worsens depression. It may seem that you feel better in the short run, but biochemically you are steadily worsening it. I grew up with my father doing this.

[Calla]

I'm painfully aware and all to familiar with the effects of alcohol and the worsening of my mental state. However, like a lot of people it's not enough to stop me when I hit a low. I can go months without drink quite easily but then if I do start I lose all sense of when to stop.

I don't know why I hate myself so much but I do know I'm stuck in a cycle of punishment. I binge eat one day and then force myself to run the next even when I don't feel like it. I enjoy running most of the time but sometimes use it as a punishment for eating too much and being fat.

And most of the time I berate myself for having no life and not doing enough. But if I am hungover thats actually the only time I go easy on myself. Not forcing myself to try and find something to do or do too much exercise. So it's an excuse for why I have a non existence.

If I knew why I deserved this punishment I could work on it but I'm not sure. Thats why I have talked before about wondering if I have repressed something. I'll just keep reading the book. I've just got to the part about feeling worthless, so fingers crossed. I hope it makes these awful palpitations stop as well!

[IrmaJean]

I hate palpitations too, Calla. I get them a lot and they are very annoying. Do you ever experience anxiety?

Maybe you could try little steps, Calla. Try to make it through one day thinking positively about yourself, being gentle with yourself and knowing that you deserve the kindness. I hope the book reading goes well.

[Jetliner]

..........

[Calla]

Thank you for the advice. I will give them a look. Although I have to say the book I have started is sooooooooooo thick, I'm not sure I will finish it anytime soon!! But these things can't be quick fixes I guess.

I do have a certain amount of anxiety. I don't really have full blown panic attacks but sometimes find myself struggling to breath a little bit. I just feel a bit numb I guess.

I had no alcohol last night and an early night because I realise I am not taking care of myself....and had terrible nightmares all night

Thats why I end up hating myself because even when I try and help my brain won't let me. Although hate doesn't seem a strong enough word really.

[IrmaJean]

What do you love Calla? You mentioned loving flowers. Maybe try getting in touch with those good feelings. What is it about flowers that you love so much? What feelings do they create within you? Even just enjoying the appearance or aroma creates positive feelings for you, right? So we know you are capable of such positive emotion. Maybe try allowing those feelings more often. In my personal experience, positive feelings win out if you give them the power to. The next step would be offering up some of that goodness to yourself, embracing yourself. What do you think?

[Calla]

I do love flowers. I don't know what it is. The variety, the colour, the smell. I don't have much money but I try to buy myself some bright flowers now and then. And I love smells, I also buy nice air fresheners (bulk buy!) to make my place smell nice. I feel quite intense about these things and I think that is half my problem. An intensity about everything...good and bad, no middle ground.

And I only have a balcony in my little flat but the one thing that makes me feel good is growing things, especially edible things. So I have herbs, a tomato plant and 3 strawberry plants. All sounds so sad and pathetic but when they actually produce something to eat that is a great feeling. Anything to do with nature provokes strong feelings in me, which is perhaps another reason why I am not so keen on humans. Because they are intent on destroying all that the earth does for them. I saw a girl very deliberately throwing rubbish on the floor and I had to stop myself having a go (there were many of them in a gang and just me...logic won out for once!)