Need advice

[Symora]

Well, I think I'm going to have to go back on medication. I am suffering from depression again, I want to sleep and never wake up, I'm isolating and feeling very lousy. I've been off medication for about 6 months. It did help me feel again, which I needed at the time, but now all I feel is lousy and discouraged...

I was on Celexa and frankly I think it was doing more harm than good. I was so flatlined, I cried all the time, I hated it. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. She is a cube of ice most of the time and has no patience for her patients. Anyway, at one point she told me that if I stopped taking the Celexa she was prescribing she would drop me as a patient. I stopped anyway, because I felt I needed to at the time, and it is my body after all, and I don't want to go back on Celexa.

I tried to find another doctor, but there is no doctor to be had in the city I live in with the shortages. So I'm seeing her tomorrow and frankly I'm anxious about it. Anybody switch from Celexa to something else/better? I don't know how to address this with her and I know I probably have under 2 minutes to do it Any advice????

[IrmaJean]

Symora, I'm sorry that you've been feeling depressed. Unfortunately, I know nothing about medication...but it seems to me that your doctor should work with you to find one that you found most helpful. :confused: It would have to be difficult not feeling connected with her. Only 2 minutes? I would say try to assert your needs to her. I hope that she listens and you get a new medication.

Anything more you'd like to talk about and express?

[flat_affect]

Symora

There are soooo many antidepressants out there, and it's frustrating because it can take a couple of months just to see if one is having an effect. I have been on god knows how many over the course of the last few years, and I'm still searching for the right mix. I had one psychiatrist berate me for changing prescriptions too often, but he doesn't have to live in my head, I do, and I can tell when things are changing for the worse.

I really encourage you to take the two minutes to (verbally) grab your doc by the scruff of her neck and say "THIS ISN'T WORKING - HELP ME!". Sometimes we have to fight harder than we should to get the right treatment, especially in these times of cutbacks and reduced services.

Let me know how the appointment goes. I also have an appointment with my GP tomorrow and I have to have the same conversation with him. The current combination I'm on has been nothing but bad news. Lets both go in and let them know what's right for us!

best,

Sean.

[Symora]

A doctor who would work with me ... ahhhh, that sounds so nice I don't see her doing that. Once or twice in 10 years she has been warm, but it has to be first thing in the morning I think... I think she is burned out by her trade, she's in her mid-fifties and by now it's an assembly line. She sort of scares me. She's just so curt and clinical that it's very hard to make a connection with her as a human being. I just don't know know to begin.... <Well, I've been off Celexa for 6 months now because I needed to feel some emotions at the time, and now I don't want to go back on it so what are my options?> Or <Listen here doctor lady, ....> or <I felt I wanted to try being off medication for awhile, to see how it was after 5 years, and it was pretty good at first, not easy but OK, but now the mist has rolled in and I can't see the trees anymore>.

Do any of you know the soup Nazi on Seinfeld? Well she's sort of the doctor Nazi if you know what I mean? No bulshit or you're out!:eek: I've decided that if she makes it too difficult I'm walking ... there must be some other soup somewhere

Anyway, I'm not sure it's pills that's going to fix me.... j'ai le mal de vivre (sort of translates into having the hurt of living... it's a condition one gets because one's alive , that suffering thing). I do suffering well, sort of comes naturally, and I'm so emotional it gets the better of me. So am I suffering because I'm depressed, or am I depressed because I'm suffering from losing my spouse, mum, dad, daughter to other continent, too alone, almost retired and not sure what that means. Is a pill going to fix that, I doubt it; is it going dull the pain of that, probably; do I need to take some to be able to function enough to continue with life, perhaps... Stupid depression, is really is quite a pain in the ass! (moan...)

[flat_affect]

It totally is a pain in the ass. Depression, Mal de Vivre, the deep blue blues, whatever you wanna call it, it can squeeze the life out of life very effectively. Do pills help? Sometimes. Are they a great answer? Probably not. Do I have a better one? I dunno yet.

I can relate to so much of what you said, though luckily I have a better dr, it seems. Mine has known me for 20 years and is willing to take a it of time. Is there any chance of finding another doc in your area? I know how hard that can be - I see you're in canada, so am I.

I know how devastating loss can be. I lost my Mom, Dad and grandparents (both sides) over the last 6 years. I still have a daughter, who's the anchor of my well being. For several years I was able to manage without meds, and then I crashed.

Meds can suck, but they can also hit a chemical reset button that allows you to reach thorugh the mist and get out of the forest. If I thought I'd be on antidepressants the rest of my life I'd be really depressed, but they seem to be my best bet for now.

I love the soup Nazi, and I just made a killer pot of split pea soup tonight .

[Luna-]

Dear Symora

C’est vrai, a pill can’t fix the mal de vivre, but it can sure help you to get to a point where YOU can handle it. (In my case it takes 4, but let’s not go there.)

As far as dealing with cold-wet-fish pdocs, I have several years of practice. (why oh why do these people do psychiatry of all specialisations???) I have a list with the couple of essential points and I take my piece of paper in with me. All docs seem to like a 'point by point' thing – but the cold fishes especially so, they cut off longer dialogue.

If by flat-line you mean that bland, flat emoptionless-ness, I got that on all the five SSRIs I tried, including Celexa. You should say that upfront (Don’t let me tell you what to do, btw!) Something like: I stopped the Celexa because I felt numb and it was awful, could I try another class of meds?

There are many other classes and many within each class and it is possible to find one that will help you feel both alive and more able to cope. If you haven’t tried them, then it’s probably quite safe to let her pick one. (rolling my eyes at myself, did I just say "safe to let your pdoc pick"? LOL) Or research around and ask “Could I try something like Drug X?”

Don't know if that helps?

[danni]

Hi Symora,

I'm sorry this is happening for you!! It's hard enough to try to get through day to day with depression but then to have a doctor compounding that difficulty is just unacceptable in my opinion. Is there a neighboring town where you could see someone else? I think it would be worth the drive!!

Medication is not a perfect science. They all affect each person differentlly so it is often trial and error to find the medication or combination of medications that will work for each individual. If Celexa had those effects on you the last time you took it....you should demand to try a different one. There are many out there!!

Are you still seeing a therapist? As said before, the meds won't fix it but can take the bottom out so you can take the steps you need to get through it. Research says that the best way to do that is through both meds and therapy.

take care of yourself, symora....

[Symora]

Thanks for all your advice and support ... I appreciate your recommendations, and worst come to worst I'll get her to suggest a psychiatrist I think. She is a GP only and may be open to sending me to see a specialist with this...

I do see a therapist, but only once a month, and although he is a nice person, an X pastor, I have not found him to very helpful. At least I get to chat to someone about me on occasion, and that's why I keep going, but it does not alleviate depression at all.... The one thing I have found out is that I have lost my sense of meaning in life. Frankly I'm not sure why I'm alive anymore, I see no purpose or sense in it, so I do things mechanically, hoping that something will come to me. No luck so far. I've tried a few things that I hoped would develop into a passion, or at least an interest, but I have no heart for it. I used to be very creatively active - painted, sewed, crafted, home renos. I don't do anything anymore. Sometimes I try to find something I would like to paint, but I can't find the motivation.

It's like I'm not me anymore, and this other person has no interest in life, feels deflated, walking around like a zombie most of the time. And I'm not even medicated!

I so hope it goes well this afternoon, I don't need judgement or intimidation right now

[flat_affect]

I'm just heading out the door to my appt now. I think Luna's got a great idea with the point-form notes. I've used them a few times when dealing with difficult docs (or just to keep my memory straight) and it's worked for me. Crossing my fingers for you today.

[danni]

Symora...

I think it's a great idea to ask for a referral to a psychiatrist as someone who specializes in what you are going through.

My heart hurt as I read how hard it is for you to get through each day. You are doing all the right things but maybe finding someone to meet with a little more often may be helpful???

You can also bounce on here and chat with us? I'll let you talk about you all you want PM me if you want!!

Anyway....I hope all goes well today and you don't come out of there too beat up!! Let us know how we can support you when you get back.

[katleen]

Hi Symora,

Am so sorry you are down. You mentioned losing a number of family members, you must be grieving, as well. That takes time. I'm on seroquel, mood regulation and addresses depression some, And an older tycyclic, desipramine, which is energizing and addresses add symptoms and norepinephrine as well.. Couln't tolerate any ssri's or newer meds. Was prescribed desipramine long ago because speed calmed me, in my twenties, tho I didn't keep using. I'm not suggesting either of these might work for you, but a doc that will spend time with you is essential. Be sure and make a list of everything in your experience that doesn't work, and those that did a little or more. They have a tendency to throw the latest pharmesuetical (spell?)at us.

Thinking of you.

loves and hugs

katleen

[Symora]

Well, I went to see my doc, and as anticipated she was not very pleasant, although she thought we had both agreed to get me off Celexa in January . In fact she had told me that if I got off she would stop seeing me as a patient... whatever.... So we had our two minutes, I said I wanted to try something else than Celexa, not an SSRI. She said they are all SSRIs:confused: but agreed to try something else, so she gave me a prescription for Cipralex. Turns out it is escitalopram, instead of citalopram, so she effectively she pulled a quick one me... It's just the updated version of Celexa since the patent ran out on Celexa and they needed another one with no generic, so they created escitalopram whose patent is now good until 2012. I guess she thought Celexa had worked for years, so she stuck with it notwithstanding what I had said about not wanting to feel flatlined... Man that woman drives me nuts! I even specifically mentionned perhaps an SNRI, but she scoffed me off. When I tried mentionning that I wanted to see a.... she told me to stop talking because she was taking my blood pressure .... so we never got the psychiatist part and she was off.

So I guess I'll try Cipralex, which is damn expensive by the way -- I'm very thankful that I have a medical plan!

Oh where, oh where did all the good doctors go???? I miss my Dr. Lowe, she was so good. You waited hours for her since she took so much time with each patient, but once there she made you feel good, taken care of....

That just reinforced my feeling worthless ... but then I went to pick up my two cats who got a very short haircut today, and they look so funny that I had to laugh. Then I went for a short training session at the Baha'i bookstore where I plan to volunteer again, and that made me feel real good. I've missed it...

So I did not have to dump my doctor and she did not dump me, although that may still be in the making I shall try the new pills and see how it goes ..... I feel defeated that I am taking medication again, I was so proud that I was medication free :-(

[Symora]

So much of what you are telling me is true. I just read a wonderful book by someone who survived Auchwich, Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, a psychotherapist who captured wonderfully man's <humanity>. What a soothing balm to the soul. What makes people survive is the meaning one gives to life, to your journey, your destiny, what you feel you still need to accomplish, see, be. Most of what the world offers us or what we buy into is illusion, worthless. When you come face to face with dying as you would in such a situation, you have to claw away at your values until only the core remains and you clearly understand why you make a choice to live, or to die as many did...of course many had no choice, but that discussion is for another day...

I think I am living one of those periods in my life. I am now face to face with myself, most of what was my life is gone, ashes (quite literally), and there ain't to going back, or much to carry into my future. For the most part it is imposed on me, through no fault of my own, it's just life, but I don't like where I am right now, and I can find no meaning when I look ahead. It feels like a big grey tunnel with indistinct shapes here and there. Nothing calls to me, nothing resonates, nothing makes me want to go there.

I think we do need to be more connected to each other, that it may in fact be required for good mental health. And I think we need to be connected among age groups, like you would be in a tribe. The young give energy, continue to help us be idealistic and curious, and the old bring wisdom and weight to a question. We are disconnected from each other. My spouse was African, Senegalese, and they continue to live and interact in a very tribal fashion. The down side is that there are million rules, traditions, obligations, but the up side is that they are connected to many people, one never feels the weight of something alone, there are always others to carry the burden with you, and you also help them and in so doing feel like you are contributing. The clan is tight, supportive. Personally I find it too insular, but that too is a whole other conversation.... It has made me think a lot about the purpose of family, in it's ideal state of course :-)

I know I am having an existential crisis of sorts, but I also see that emotionally I don't seem to be able to ride the wave. I am short with people, angry a lot of the time, last week I thought I was having a heart attack because my chest was so tight and my throat constricted (turns out it was a blood pressure spike because of stress, which I've never had before...). I have had to apologize to 3 people at work in the last few weeks I've been so impolite. I can't think straight, or I think too compulsively. I think about death a lot. I've struggled with mal de vivre for some 40 years, I'm tired, I don't really want to do it anymore. Working is all I have right now so I can't stop doing that, so the drugs may be necessary to carry me through...

Am I confronting my dragon, or sea monster, or am I hanging off a cliff? Is there such a confrontation of life before me, or do I have a serotonin imbalance? I can't tell anymore - maybe it's both :confused:

[Symora]

A deposition on what FromtheMoon? (I've often felt I was from there too, or maybe Mercury because I do have a tendency to be heavy, or so I'm told... :0)

No, I've always lived in Canada but my X is Senegalese, so I learned an awful lot about his culture over 15 years, and I've been to Senegal. I wrote a longer post about that story under the 'power of porn' thread of all places last night.... I agree that every culture has something to offer, and that we are in a culture that is superficial to a large degree - I've always had issues with that because I'm just not very interested in that level of living, never have been....

Being deep... yeah, my family to this day wonder why I think so much , but I can't help it, it's just there, and you're right in that I find it hard to find people who want to talk on that level - to share their deeper selves, which is why this forum was a godsend when I found it.... I That is part of why I miss my X so much, he talked my language in many ways, it was like finding pure water after having been thirsty for 20 years! But then there are many things that I did not get and support about his culture, and I'm not a traditional person at all, so we came to a great divide that was insurmountable... I do miss our conversations most of all, and the eternal optimism that is deeply rooted in his culture.

How come you lived in Turkey, Germany and the US? What do you feel each culture brought to your life that is interesting and valuable?

[Symora]

Hi FromtheMoon, How lovely it's been to have you join the forum, I feel very connected to you for some reason.... I LOVE Nina Simone, and the Feeling Good song was very poingant to me - that version was especially jazzy and soothing. How did you do that? Are you psychic or something :confused: That could not have been better chosen for me... thank you

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with health issues. Trying to deal with worker's comp or insurance companies can be horrendous and quite stressful. About 15 years ago I had very bad back problems and I was off for several months on a few occasion. They kept cutting me off for no reason and I had to again do the round of doctors and therapist to get proof that I deserved to receive benefits.... I know it can be a challenge. Do you have people around you to support you?

How come you had such a problem accepting your Turkish culture? Was it a question of being too much of an independant spirit?

Have you thought of going back to early childhood education? The problem with that is usually that it does not pay very well I suppose...

I find your story fascinating and would like to hear more about it if you don't find it too difficult to write...

[Symora]

Hi Symora,

I’m glad you like Nina Simone too. It was 80% intuition and 20% taking a chance. If I had not been dealing with therapist problems I would have never found you guys. Too bad you are in Canada. Otherwise we could have hung out. I‘m not good at journaling so this forum has been helping me express myself in writing and it makes me also feel like I can give a little back to people. However, I wish I could respond to more posts.

That's what's been helping me too in the forum ... I need to communicate in to process what I'm living, since I don't journal well either and I have few people left that talk with at a deeper level...

So you went through workers comp too in the past! As soon as WC started an investigation on me I hired an attorney who provided me with doctors & therapists who have my best interest at heart. The bills are piling up, which the WC insurance eventually has to pay. I am getting paid through state disability as long as doctors give me permission and hopefully there will be a good settlement that will compensate my future expenses and help get my life back in order as I no longer will be able to work as a preschool teacher or subtitle editor because of the widespread and localized pain when I do gross and fine motor activities.

I’m very confused about my future. Sometimes I think I could get a BA and MA degree and become a play therapist, which I always wanted to do, depending on the settlement amount. I really don’t want to take a loan at my age and am afraid it will take too long to build a reputation. because of this at other times I just want to file for permanent disability and early retirement, which is a painfully long process. I get overwhelmed thinking about it all. In terms of support I’m very self-reliant but I do have couple of sincere friends who would be there for me now and then. But on a daily basis I can’t rely on anyone for emotional support, everyone has their own lives and problems and I have to learn to cope the best I can without being a burden on anyone.

Having to redirect for work is a challenge, no doubt about it. I'm having to think about what I will fill retirement with and I'm not finding that easier either, although there are not the same financial considerations so it makes it easier probably.

I am also very self-reliant and an independent spirit. I have always had to live life according to my own set of rules, I just can't do it any other way, I'm so terrible with authority, just never got it. I've had issues with depression for a very long time, had serious back issues for probably 10-15, and I too have always felt that I don't want to burden people with my problems. Even in the worst of my physical issues I never asked for much help. It may in fact be my biggest fault, being so independant I don't know how to let people do for me, undermining my own needs. And yet I love doing for others and socially I am probably at my best when I am being of service.

I met with my new therapist already. She looks very young but she is MUCH more personable, compassionate and understanding than my previous male therapist. I think I will stick with her. And they did give me 1 hr with her; I was very surprised. So everything is going to the better. Next weekend I will be going to Palm Springs to keep my girlfriend company. Often she stays at her boyfriends parents house in the summer when they are not there and then we treat ourselves with hot tub, steam bath and saltwater swimming pool. That is one way she supports me and it doesn’t even feel like I owe her anything.

Lucky you, that is so much fun. I too am going to a girlfriend weekend soon. My girlfriend from high school (almost 40 years probably...) and two of her long time girlfriends who I also know, have all rented a old country home/cottage by the ocean, out east in New Brunswick in September. I'm not sure how I feel about being with 4 other women for a week, seems like a lot of chiefs in one teepee for a whole week, but we'll see how it goes

Yes, I am too much of an independent spirit. I compare my teenage years to home prison. My telephone conversations were screened if it was a boy I was speaking too and I couldn’t be alone outside after dark. I was never physically abused but “shame” was one of the tools that they used to get me to obey. As I grew older I learned that my culture looked great from the outside: warm, generous and hospitable but my inside experience was what I had to base my reality on and it was unhealthy for my repressed spirit. I learned that in order to be accepted by my culture I needed to give -not when it came from my heart- but because I was expected to, if I didn’t want to be judged. In many ways the Islamic culture is very co-dependent and oppressive. Then I found peace and acceptance in the Buddhist way of life and I believe I was born one to begin with.

I felt that way about the Islamic culture as well. Lots of rules. I always used to say to my X, <is that another Muslim rule???> I'm not sure if it was Senegalese culture only, but from my perspective it was suffocating how many contraints there were, and you could not deviate or else your brought shame to yourself, your family, your people, your ancestors - shame seemed very big. In the Christian faith, which I was raised in, it's more about guilt, you're always feeling guilty about something and they use it to manipulate you - my grandmother was a pro at it, but I loved her so much I just acquiesed to her every desire... Like I wrote in another thread, his ways back home reminded me of when my grand-mother was young, very controlling of behaviour and lots of taboos- the good of the whole was always above the consideration of the individual. As an independent spirit, I can see where you would find the Buddhist philosophy to be more much more liberating. I too have always had an affinity with Buddhism.

I know so little about Baha'i faith. It was good to learn more about it. Why did you have to give up Renee your daughter, Symora? How old is she? When you were all living together were you living in Canada and how long ago did this occur? I'm sorry if I missed this info previously.

The Baha'i faith is so recent, few people know about it. It is worth investigating through, there is much food for through in its writings.

I did not have to give up Renee, but I do have to distance myself from her some, she is 27 after all ... She came back to Ottawa after probably 8 years of living in Montreal and then in London UK. She came home to go back to school and we built her a nice arrangement in my home so she could do that. She started dating this fellow about the same time, which was fine for awhile, he even lived here for a winter. But then he got his own apartment, worked a little but managed to get on unemployment and is now dealing. He could be working in the computer field, he's very good, but instead he's turned into a little gansta. My daughter is a soft heart, loves to be loved, is at an age where the hormones are telling her to build a nest and have offspring, and she continues to hope that he is THE guy. I've talked to her, but she loves him ya know, so it's going in one ear and out the other I think. I don't see her much and she does not really live here anymore. But she did complete her first year of univesity with straight As, seems committed to moving ahead with the program, and he is not mean to her or anything. He is such a know it all and a dreamer though, and when he comes over he triggers me everytime. So she prefers that he not come over, which has caused a rift between us of course.

We travelled to see my other daughter in England in May, just her and I, but we did not get along at all and it spoiled the trip. It's the first time this has ever happened to us - we have always gotten along, even throughout her adolescence for the most part. I very seldom have such strong sentiments about people, but this guy makes me climb the walls. I think he reminds me a lot of her father, and I so don't want her to make the same mistake I did My other daughter is in London, married. She immigrated to marry 3 years ago now, and although we speak and see each other once or twice a year, I do miss her a lot...

Well, another chapter..... I seem to have a lot to say these last days...

Cheers

[Symora]

I like when serendipity brings new and beautiful people into ones life ... I've only discovered chatting online in the last 8 months or so and I have discovered a whole new world of people to meet and learn from...

My kids are from my first marriage, which ended in in 1987, like during the last millenium They were 5 and 7 when we split up and I raised them on my own really. I met O. in 1995 and we were together 15 years. My kids were adolescents when we met and my oldest daughter always HATED him. Part of it was jealousy, part of it was because he never really tried very hard with them, taboos again because they were girls, Muslim rules I found out last year he had married a 20 year old back home two years before, and he had a 5 month old baby by then... I guess I always knew he would end up doing it, he had to for his Mom who was insisting and overbearing to say the least. She insisted with his brother in France as well and broke up that marriage too, but they had 2 kids together so it's even sadder. We never had kids cuz I could no longer have any by the time we met.

So I left him at that time, but I had lost my dad the year before, my daughter had left for England, then my grandma (who was my mum in my heart) passed at the age of 100 last spring. I quickly lost all sense of self after that, all meaning to my life and by last fall I was a mess, could no longer work. On his way back from Africa last summer he called and pressed me to see him. I was so lonely, vulnerable, aching to talk to someone that I acquiesed and he spent a week here. I actually considered and tried resuming our relationship over the fall, but it just made matter worse because he completely intends to remain married to the girl to keep face and have her continue taking care of his mom, so polygamy is not an issue for him at all ... I on the other hand have a big issue with it, always will, so it made me mental and by January I knew I had to break it off for good or I would go insane. So I did and we have not spoken since. I miss talking with him most of all, we were each other's best friend for 15 years, but my feelings are still too raw, I can't do it without making myself crazy, I know that now.

There you go, more of my saga. Tell me a little about yours, I love hearing people's stories.

Well, I'm off to be the whipped cream maker at a strawberry social in a village nearby... trying to get out there again as a volunteer and that was first thing that came up

A la prochaine

[Symora]

You made me laugh with your italian guy story :-) You are so good! I would have let him chat it up at 10:00, because I have to be nice, it's a rule Seriously, I do have a problem with that. It's always about being liked, I don't look much at what I want or need, but I worry about being liked by the other. I think that's what gets me, or used to get me, in trouble. When I first met O. he was almost destitute. He had immigrated 4 years before, his savings had run out and he was living in pretty sad conditions. But I could see his courage, his dignity, he was a person that never stopped trying, every day, his perseverance is absolutely phenomenal. He had to go back to university because his Russian architecture degree was worthless here. He had such a hard time, it took almost 10 years before he actually worked and made any real money. So a pattern was set up where his needs were always more critical than mine, he always had so many problems, and because I have to be nice I understood for the most part, and I actually did... He stuck out like a sore thumb in Canada for a very long time (he's actually Mauritanian and the more serious introverted type)... it was also a long time before he got comfortable in English (he is a francophone, as am I). The thing that swept me off my feet was how confidently he spoke about God, faith. I was a seeker at the time and he taught me about the concept of God.... Then when I found the Baha'i faith, within the same few months, I was ready. I'll always be grateful to him for that....

He also became a Baha'i, but as he got older and started going back home more regularly when he finally made some money, he became more and more the African, the traditionalist, looking for his man privileges, and back to his Muslim roots just because he longed for the familiarity I think. I believe he also loved his social status there, since he had been nothing in Canada for so long. His mother started putting on the squeeze even more to keep the money in the clan, and he did what all good africans do when they get a bit of money, they get another wife More good social standing stuff... he was starting to look pretty bad with the boys around 50 who were all taking young second wives you see.... Honour, ahhhh, the all important honour!

I'm not sure I have another relationship in me either. I could have continued with him.... I think he was in fact more interested in continuing with me than her, although he does want to <protect her> and he would lose face if he let her go. But he is basically an old bachelor, intellectual type, he is cheap as hell and can't stand noise, so the baby gets on his nerves :-(. He was counting on me to take care of the household, as I have always done, and as the first wife am supposed to continue to do. Now he has way more responsibilities than he did with me, and they are constantly harassing him for money...we had a very passionnate relationship, the type you perhaps only have once in your lifetime. I think he only realized that once he married the girl. With me he was completely free to do as he wished, I am a live and let live type (perhaps too much so in fact...). There are also more financial advantages to staying with a north american women, things do not rest on your shoulders alone... But I figured if I was there he would never really take his responsibilities with her as a husband and father, and it also made very jealous and insecure as you can imagine, so it was best to go.

Anyway... You got me thinking about where I go wrong in relationships - I think I give too much slack and don't ask enough for what I want. Whenever I have tried I have been treated like the demanding bitch, and I don't like that, so basically I stop asking. Definitively don't pick the right men to begin with I am more aware now than I used to be though. I know I have learned an awful lot about what my core values and needs with O., and now I'm really just looking for friends so it should not be so challenging.

I think you should in fact start a new thread about bracelets ... it would be interesting I think.

güle güle

[Symora]

Hi FromtheMoon, thanks for enquiring. I was actually doing really well. The medication is working very well, I no longer feel depressed, I've started doing volunteer work again, I've invited a few people over for supper, inclucing my daughter and her boyfriend yesteday for brunch (July 1st is our national birthday). Overall things are looking up.

Then last night I get an e-mail from O. He is not going to Africa this year (he is a teacher and has summers off), the first time in many years. He is bored in Edmonton, and was just wondering what I was up to... apparently had a dream and wanted to check on me. I was civil, but replied and I did not want to resume our friendship, that I now had peace of mind and quite appreciated it. It threw me off... we have not spoken in 7 months and I was really hoping we had finally move on....

Well, I'm off to volunteer at a local kid's festival. Have a great time in Palms Springs, and a wonderful 4th of July.

Thanks for your note

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Symora,

Congratulations. You handled that really well by not letting yourself get sucked back into an unhappy relationship. Glad you are feeling better.

Allan:)

[Symora]

Thanks Alan. I am in fact feeling much clearer than I have in a long time. It's a relief... I hate that it takes medication to do it, but at least until I stop working I may have to just suck it up....

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello Fromthemoon,

I have been away and, therefore, we have not met. This is Allan, along with Mark who is the "boss," I am an administrator here and a writer for the web site.

I have tried going back to your beginning here but I cannot seem to find your first one or two postings. I was only looking so that I could get to know you better and understand some of your issues. I see already that you are compassionate and understanding and are very supportive of others.

Could you quickly fill me in on the issues that brought you here?

Thanks,

Allan:)

[Symora]

Hi Moon, how was your weekend in Palm Springs? Did you go spend some time with friends?

I'm just back at work after 5 days off, it was nice Yes, I would imagine it threw him off, but it threw me off every year when he would go spend 2 months in Africa, and when I found out he had married and had a kid, so each our turn to be thrown off I guess.... I know I made the right decision, I am so sick and tired of the problems he brought to my life, I did not even hesitate to set the boundary.

How about you, how is the pain lately? Any news from your italian fellow?

[Symora]

Hi Moon, I tried to write you the other day just to see how you were, but I could not find a way to PM you ... I'm not very good at forums yet

I hate that when it turns out that way. I'm a bit worried about that for my week with the girls as well - travelling for some 12 hours in the car with someone I don't know that well.... Oh well, live and learn. Maybe it will be great, who knows... I figure I'll just roll with the punches, much like you did. Then the two following weeks my daughter is coming from England, with her husband and parents in law who have never been to Canada. So it will be a busy september :-)

Working and doing volunteer work. You did not know me 10 years ago! I worked full time, was raising 2 kids on my own pretty much, was with a man that was going to school and would take 10 years to work, was running a housing cooperative, taking courses, painted, sewed...:eek: Then I burned out, a few times It's genetic, my dad was like that, I have a few sisters like that.... But now I can't do all that anymore. I've been doing my job for a long time so it is not as stressful as it used to be, and I'm very choosy about the volunteering I do. It's actually been going great. I'm meeting some new people, getting out and about again. I've been isolating too much in the last couple of years, I need to get social a little again, and this is working well for me. I'm at my best socially when I can be of service, otherwise I either get bored quickly or I get anxious and I become a clam ...

A close friend of mine had a mastectomy last year and has suffered from fibromialgia every since. I don't understand that at disease very well... what is the source of the generalized pain, do they know?

I wish I could change the name of this thread, I've moved on but I sort of like have a place to chat. You can always PM me and we can chat there if you like, or start another thread perhaps....