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Struggling :(


goobertron
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Lo again all, had another dream about the ex last night, already posted one thread about the previous time http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?t=4520, except this time she was rejecting me and didn't want to know me :(. Every day I think about her and the urge to get in contact gets stronger even though there is a strong chance of rejection. In addition to this, in recent times I have been having lots of big ups and downs and the downs are not at all fun. I find myself being snappy and stressed for no conceivable reason. I am usually (I like to think lol) a very nice person to be around, yet lately I have been acting 'out of character'. My Dad isn't too well at the moment yet I barely think about his current 'illness' and that goes more generally in the fact I find myself only concerned with me than others. I should in theory be very happy, I am on course for a minimum 2:1 at University and at age of 25 should have a hell of a lot to look forward too. I am wondering if the splitting up with the ex (over 6 months ago now), and the lack of contact and having a more profound affect on me than I thought possible. I put my name down for counselling at my university in late Jan but they have been full and I am still on a waiting list for the beginning of next term (September). I wanted to go to the counsellor not just for the break up and the hurt it caused me (even though I was the dumpee), I also wanted to go because one of the reasons that we broke up was because of some of my actions, namely one in particular that I admitted to her that I masturbated over some of her friends and whilst the practice wasn't frowned upon be her it was the subject matter that obviously was the problem. I did make a post on this topic around late October early November last year but for the life of me I can't find it in the forum so I can't link it im afraid. I still do this (not over her friends so much anymore but people I know in general) and its not good, maybe there is a link in my subconscious where if I know them it makes it 'more real'? Until I get this 'problem' under control I guess getting in contact with her out of the question. Any thoughts would be much appreciated. I am really struggling mentally at the moment :(.

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Ho goobertron, sorry to hear you're still stuggling with this issue. Have you considered seeing your doctor, you may be depressed? Or perhaps trying to find another therapist. I know it can get expensive, but if you can spare the money it may be worth the investment since this seems to be very confusing and overwhelming for you ....

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Hey Symora, we seem to be bumping into each other in these chats ;). Indeed I might be depressed thought I am not sure. I have always been hard on myself whenever things go wrong and I do blame myself almost entirely for the break up with the ex and I guess it is just eating away at me, hence why it would be nice to hear from her that she forgives me, though I understand that there is the risk if I got back in touch that she might just as easily say it was all my fault and that would not be nice to hear. On the subject of counselling unfortunately because I am a student I cannot afford to pay for any sessions so am relying on the university counselling to get back to me because they are free.

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And so I dreamed of her again last night, I really wish I knew why I have had three dreams with my ex in them in the space of about 5 days. Is it my brain saying get back in touch with her, is it my head 'cleansing' all thoughts of her? I am just so confused at the moment, I have had no contact with her for 4 months, we have been apart for over 6 months...

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Hi Goobertron, I can imagine that this is difficult for you. Perhaps she represents something. I know that I still dream about my first husband as if he is a current partner, yet we have been separated 22 years :( - I think he continues to represent companionship and partnership in my subconscious. Perhaps you can explain your dream in the 'dream analysis' thread and see how others analyse it for you...

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Sorry I never responded earlier Moon. Erm regarding my ex in all honesty I would have felt threatened and unhappy so I can undoubtedly see her point of view. After posting on another forum regarding any attempt to get back in touch with her, phrases aimed at me included being a 'clingy little bitch' and that I am transparent in terms of my aims to get back with her and that they recommend me getting back in touch with her and in their words hopefully she will tell me where to go and that I can then get on with my life, perhaps it is what I need to hear?.

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Symora I think it's a catch 22 situation, perhaps I do need her to say piss off then I can confirm it in my own head though as Moon points out her actions do already send out strong signals and if I got in touch and she knocked me back (even for trying to be friends or friendly) then it really would hurt me mentally but perhaps you need to take one step back and two steps forward. I haven't yet decided if I will get back in touch, over the next few days my friend is lending me a book that she found helpful to get over her ex of 5 years, though since she was the person being dumped whereas I was the person doing the dumping, so it might help, it might not. You may well have a point as well Moon with regard to the fact that I did do things wrong and I do blame myself a lot so perhaps what I am wanting to hear is forgiveness from her though as you say her actions aren't promising. In addition I am wary of getting in touch before I have had some professional counselling at my uni, which unfortunately isn't going to be until at least September so perhaps best wait until then and try and surpress these urges to get back in contact?

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Hey Moon, no you didn't come across too strong at all so it's all good :P, I am just grateful for the advice. If you mean rejected one as in me for her cutting off all contact then I think it is fair enough, since I was the one that rejected (dumped) her twice during the relationship and I deserve no sympathy. As far as the book goes unfortunately when I was meant to pick it up from the friend it was her boyfriends bday and I forgot to get the book whilst there :o. I am hoping to pick it up either today or over the course of the weekend. Fingers crossed it helps coz I am in a bad place mentally in some respects. At the moment my gut instinct is that I can't get in a relationship with someone else and for the moment that is fine but for the future I would obviously like that to not be the case.

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Thank you again for the response Moon, though I must state that whilst I understand your reasons for the post, I am not harassing my ex in any way, as I say I have had no contact for the last 4 and a half months but I realise that you are saying that is what could happen down the line. I do feel very strongly about her which is why I am confused as to why I treated her like I did (plus kissing a girl 2 days after we broke up!!). That I may well never understand. At the moment I am just really struggling getting my head around the fact we will never talk to each other again, and I am replaying my memories of our time together over and over ;).

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