Now what?

[misrbl1]

Things have officially gotten as bad as they could get. I have a huge choice to make, and either way, someone I love is going to be hurt. I don't want to hurt anybody. There's only one way to avoid having to make this decision and hurting one of the women I love, and that's for me to not be here.

[Symora]

What's going on msrbl1? Although you may feel that there are only black and white solutions, it is not usually the case... is there anything we can help with?

[malign]

Mis, the trouble with that thought is that you assume that you "disappearing" will prevent hurt to the women you love. But, does that seem likely to you? If either of them really cares for you, they would undoubtedly prefer that you not sacrifice your life (in any sense of the word "sacrifice") for their sake.

The problem is the goal: there is no way to prevent all harm. It's literally not possible.

So, with the impossible eliminated, what's the best possible? Somehow, I don't think it's spending the rest of your life being blackmailed emotionally. It's not your responsibility what your wife chooses to do. You can try to ease her pain if you want, but if you do it at the cost of your own pain, both of you will regret in the long run.

Personally, I would separate the two decisions in your mind: whether to stay with your wife, and whether to take up with the OW. Would you leave your wife, if there were no OW? If you can say 'yes', then it's time to get moving.

And yeah, for the record, that's advice from a guy who's separated from an abusive wife.