Do you know who you are?

[JaneE]

One of my husband's favorite insults for me is that I "don't know who I am from day to day". He is right-er about this than he could ever guess!!!

I remember when I was in high school I wrote in a journal/diary that I felt like "smoke in a wire cage". I didn't have the vocabulary but I was trying to express that I didn't know who I was. I didn't have any boundaries, I had no concrete sense of myself or who I was. This had the practical effect of my feeling always "in a fog" not knowing what I want or what to do about anything.

I'm 43 and I feel I'm only just beginning to know myself... or to have acquired one or something. I have a rotating group of what I call my "Imaginary Selves". I mean I don't have that dissociative disorder where you get amnesia and are found living in another city under another name living another life... but I do have these different selves. They tend to be from different parts of the world. I could explain further but it may not be that interesting or even relevant.

I do know that when I'm fully IN one of my "Imaginary Selves" I feel very good. I don't feel very good when I don't know which self I am. Right now I'm kind of in that place.

Does anyone else have this kind of issue? I've heard that this kind of thing (identity flux) is a feature of Borderline PD, though I was diagnosed with Avoidant.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from any of you! I haven't been around much lately, and it's good to be back!

Jane

Edited July 3, 2010 by JaneE
clarifications

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[Symora]

Hi Jane, nice to have you back :-)

I don't consider that I in fact knew who I was until my 40s. Before that, inside of me, it was all about expectations I had about life and the roles I was expected to play - wife, mother, lover, worker, cleaner, cook, volunteer, .... In my forties I felt I came face to face with myself, perhaps because one really comes face to face with one's mortality during that decade I think, and the roles change as kids grow up, there is more time to think. It was then that I started to really <know> myself, my needs, values, limits. In some traditional cultures one is not really considered an fully mature adult until the 50s. I think it is normal for many of us to take that long before really knowing ourselves and feeling settled in that. I think that may in fact be at the base of <le demon du midi>, a midlife crisis of sorts when people often make big changes to their lives, their relationships, their lifestyles, because they come realizations about themselves in ways they had never acknowledged before...

I'm 54 now, and although I do still find the adjutment to getting older challenging, I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have in my entire life I think. I am no longer preoccupied with what others think I should be or do, I understand who I am, what makes me tick, what I can live with and what I can't. I have finally found some inner peace in most aspects of my life. I am now comfortable with being alone with myself, as John put it, I no longer fear it or feel uncomfortable with it. There are some advantages to getting older :-)

So all of that to say that this concrete sense of self may be something that takes time to develop for some of us. One has to test oneself against the world, relationships, career, until we come to understand what defines us, makes us individuals. Then you get a better sense of who that is that remains when the smoke dissipates :-)

Edited July 3, 2010 by Symora

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[JaneE]

Hi Jetliner (John)!

You asked a very good question!!! And I am these selves even when alone. Unless I'm not one of the selves, then I just feel rather amorphous and lost I suppose. It's interesting to know that, I hadn't thought about being different when people are around versus when people are not around. Like you I too tend to identify too much with the other person. I think I do this much less now, however, as I feel I've been "out of the world" so long I can't really relate to most people very well. No real common frame of reference. I don't watch their TV shows or shop where they shop or do the same kinds of things they do. In a way that's good, it helps me know where I stop and they start. In some ways it's not so good, as I feel very alone.

And Symora, my husband is 11 years older than I, and he's always giving me advice about how he felt when he was in his forties, which is great to have!! Having grown up in a family that never talked about anything real, I'm not one of those people who bristles at advice, or whatever you call this kind of sharing of experience. I treasure what people are willing to tell me. :-) Thank you for your perspective.

Writing down my beliefs and so forth... yikes! That would be tough. I tend to be very contextual and "greyscale" in my thinking. B&W thinking can be harmful, but it sure seems like it'd be easier to know your limits that way, and where you stand.

Jane

[nathan]

I think the trick is not to identify too much with things/ people/personalities/ideas, which is to say, don't identify with your percieved self(s) too much ever. The moment you become one of your percieved "selves," you are becoming something other than yourself.

For example. I lift weights. With lifting weights there are so many connotations such as "big," "tough," "manly," and such. The first few years a started lifting weights I actually played into these roles of being tough. I react to things according this tough guy persona.

at first it seemed like I was acting, just pretending, but eventually it became almost a comfort zone. In a way I was almost trapped in this persona that wasn't really me.

Due to certain things I went through, I didn't work out for a long time. Interestingly in this time, I started to loose that persona, that made up self, and became "me" again. There were no ideas in my head of who "what woulda tough guy do" there was just me. Its actually a great relief, feels like a burden is liften off your shoulders.

There are many roles the we play, husband, doctor, wife, teacher, parent, w/e. Just being aware that they are roles you play and not who you are, is enough to be who you are.

Honestly, I dont think you want to find "boundaries," becuase they will inevitably be some kind of ideal or structure that is not you. Hell, I made boundaries when I though I was a tough guy, all they do is restrict you, and therefore often hinder the real you from coming out.

In fact, I would go as far to say that "finding" yourself is a contradiction in itself. try doing the opposite, don't tell yourself who you are ever, you don't need to, its already there.

Edited July 17, 2010 by nathan

[Lostinmyhead]

I had to reply to this post...I homed in on it as soon as I saw it. I am 29 and I have absolutely no idea who I am, at least if I do I can't bring it to mind. I see girls alot younger than me who know who they are, have very definite ideas on life and how they feel, I never seem to, as Jane says, she is one thing one day and another another day! That is the same with me, I have learnt to accept I am fragile and sensitive and very indecisive sometimes I have no even personality and can be very chageable and quite self destructive/doubting. I do have very a natural black and white thinking and panic when I don't see definites in life as they are usually what I see. I am very all or nothing in my relationships, of all kinds.

I think alot of my problems stem from not knowing myself and not having a basic grounded personality, I don't trust/believe in myself.

[victor_kaleb_kay]

Hi, I'm kind of new here and I really don't know who I am sometimes either. But I guess that's the split personality. I'm 15 by the way. So Hi Everybody!!!!!

hahaha

always,

Kayla Mina and the guys

[idied]

Dissociation doesn't necessarily mean you'll forget where you go or what you're doing. There's different types (Usually 4 main types of Dissociation)

You might want to take the "Dissociative Experience Scale". It helps with this kind of stuff: http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/des/index.html

You may want to discuss how you feel different with someone who has experience with dissociation and dissociative disorders. It sounds like you might be experiencing a form of dissociation (the switching of alternate selves etc.). Borderline usually deals with two alternate selves (correct me if I'm wrong...)

[JaneE]

Wow! That was an interesting test!

I haven't been around awhile, but am feeling the need to talk to others with similar problems again...

I scored 43, but I don't think I have DID or anything, or are close. I have been told by the psychologist who diagnosed me Avoidant that I DO dissociate, but I am not sure about the other thing... two selves and all that. I will have to try to be aware of that sort of thing!

I have a lot of problems with not remembering what I've done after I've done it, or whether I'v e done something I am supposed to do. Such as brushing my teeth. I won't remember I've already done it, or work stuff. It's a little scary at times.

I haven't had much time in any concrete identity lately... just my amorphous blob self ^_~ Oh well!!

[Born to Perish]

I am here to set everyone free in the best way I can. I am not crazy. Neither are you. No one here is. That is a ploy to make you feel bad about yourself. Ultimately, you have to decide for yourself: "Is the life I am living now, making me totally happy?" If the answer is no, then might I humbly suggest a quest for self realization. You'll find who you want to be if you have not yet. Keep peace, and if you are in any pain, seek LOVE. Love is the best cure for everything.

[JaneE]

Heh! Well I don't know about bandying words like "crazy" around... and our diagnoses, those of us that have them, are a step on that journey of self-realization. My mom likes to pooh-pooh my diagnosis and call it "hogwash", then tell me I'm just lazy and blaming everyone else for my shortcomings! Not helpful, eh? Recognition and validation as a fellow human being is what I seek.

I don't think it's really that possible for human beings to live "the unexamined life". I have that phrase used against me a lot, and I think about things all the time, and try to find out more. When I do, I try to help others.

Seeking love? Well, first we must love ourselves and understand ourselves or we'll seek love and find confusion or worse!

[azqueeraz]

deleting posts.

Edited September 16, 2011 by azqueeraz

[JaneE]

Hi azqueeraz, Yes it does sting!! And he knows it. The ironic thing is *I* at least have taken pains to find out why I can't get along in the world, whereas he has not! He thinks about psychology the same way my mother does. :-/

I really identify with and feel for Borderlines. I don't have the impulsivity, but a lot of the rest hit me from time to time. I'm really glad that there has been so much research on BPD and it seems there's a lot of help out there for you guys. I think you have it especially tough.

I'm going today to a local clinic to see about getting some therapy. In some ways I feel I've hit the end of my tether and need assistance. I'm a bit scared, but it's worth a try. Things have just gotten so bad and I can't figure out how to manage life.

[frazzled1]

I am new here but I am trying to learn about everyone. I am very interested in all the stories. I think we will never fully identify with ourselves because we are always changing. Sometimes the changes are subtle like learning a new hobby or picking up a new interest. Sometimes the changes are monumental such as getting married, having a baby or suffering some kind of trauma. Who we are exists only in the moment that we are that person because when the moment has past we are new. You can spend your whole life chasing the changes, trying to figure out who you are or you can try to enjoy who you are this moment.