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Living with no friends


Calla
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Ok. so I do know what I want to say. I tried to open up a bit and get some support.

I text my friend who lives over 100miles away. He was sweet and phoned me saying he didn;t like to think of me isolated. But we only spoke for 5mins as he was then meeting his girlfriend.

I then text my friend who I see once every couple of months. Was honest and said I had been crying a lot and felt terrible. She text back that I'd be ok. That was it. I know she has her own life to lead. But a few yrs ago the situation was reversed. She had a bad break up and I lived with someone. She spent lots of time with me and my then partner. Now its this way round I barely see and get no support.

And then I was supposed to go and see my Mum and she's ill. So said it's best not to come round. I'm so lonely. I've worked out I spend about 10hrs a day on this site. :(

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PMed you. I am pitiful it's true. Weakest person here it seems :D

It wasn't the only comment that got to me today.

I think there is something missing from the world of therapy. I'm not sure I need to talk to anyone or take meds....I just need to employ someone to hug me ....now that IS pitiful :(

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I can relate to the whole lack of friends things...I guess I can be grateful for my mixed up family, I am fortunate to have a husband (and kids) even if HE (they) are flawed and hard to cope with.

I do wish I had something beyond that. My BP in childhood/adolescence made friends an impossibly rocky road for me. Got better...then the ball and chain. I am afraid to try to make any friends though, my husband's personality makes it nearly impossible to do so. It has ended disastrously for me every time I have tried (during my marriage). I don't even try anymore. Maybe if/when in a couple decades, when my kids are out of the house and I am divorced or widowed I will actually be able to have people in my life again.

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It might help to know your not the only one who feels that way, i just came across your thread and it reminded me of the fact i also have no friends, i'm always so lonley, even at work everyone avoids me at all costs.

Worst of all i've got nobody to confide in, my family live far away and if they knew the true extent of my troubles my mother would have a heart attack and my dad would soon follow!

Many years ago when i was just a kid i had loads of friends, where the hell did they all go? Why did they all stop talking to me?

Why did i have to look at this thread and remind myself of my stupid past, thats the reason why my mind is so broken now, you know count yourself lucky your able to cry and release those emotions, i can't even cry! no matter how hard i try, once you get to know me you wish to know me no longer!

I'm so lonley i spend all my days out of the office staring at google wondering what random crap to type in, oh what i'd do for a decent conversation once in a while!!!

Sorry Calla, i should have known better than to even read this thread but i just needed a release.

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Hi there, thank you for your response. I guess there are probably quite a few people who feel the same. I used to have lots of friends too. I got in with a bad crowd though and had to distance myself so that didn't help. But yeah I feel the same, people who bother to try and know me don't want to for very long.

I'm not so sure crying is a good thing. I've made myself very unwell from it in the past, it's very draining. I think talking is a much better option. I'm sorry your mind is "broken" as you say, I think mine might be too. But the good thing about broken things is that usually they can be fixed, don't you think?

And a decent conversation might not be the same if it's not face to face but we can still have them here at least :)

You have any decent work collegues? I'm self employed which has isolated me even more!!

I did read something once that people with depression isolate themselves and then feel rejected even though they have actually rejected others. I see that in myself. But still not sure what to do about it!!

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I agree broken things can be fixed, i'm just on a real down day right now, browsing the site and posting is distracting me at least from the painful issues of the day!

I'm sorry to hear that you think your mind is also 'broken', i know mine is one of those breaks that needs expert repair. Decent conversations are hard for me to have, underneith i'm rather shy and i have alot of trouble stopping myself from exagerating or fabricating things which usually cuts conversations short!

I work for a big company, bad things happen within its senior walls and it gets to me alot, i try to isolate myself in the office as much as possible.

I'm sorry you feel rejected, i feel that way to, i guess i'm always scared of rejection because its the only thing i know!

I can't really offer you any advice, i can only hope however that soon something will change for you for the better!

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Thank you. I don't offer much advice to people either but its just nice to know people hear and understand.

I'm very shy too, but behind a computer screen I can talk for England!!!

But expert repair is available...thats the good news!! Do you like your job generally? Or is it all bad? Your job is something you have to do every day after all so it can have a huge affect (I never know if its effect or affect!)

Yeah I'm scared of rejection too, so just keep myself away from it. But like I say thats a lonely option.

How are you feeling now? Dont feel alone, theres loads of us here to listen.

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To be honest i hate my job. I have to fire people who work so hard who i've never even heard of, i have to tell people they are getting pay cuts and hold back the tears as they plead with me for their families sake, i have entertain rich businessmen who think i am an a'shole like them but really i hate them and how they can get their food free at restaurants or threaten them with closure.

If i could get out of it i would but the money is the only reason i stay, i give some of it to charity to wash a bit of guilt away.

It's nice to know there are people who are feeling some of the pain i am, but on the other hand i am sorry i'm even talking to you on a forum like this, wouldn't things be so much better if we had no reason to be on this forum.

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Oh yeah things would be soooo much better if we didn't need this forum. But sometimes things just are. It sucks but we have to do what we can.

That job sounds tough. But hey you sound like a good person. Sort of person I'd want to be friends with. You recognise a;@~holes for a start! You give to charity. And you have empathy for people you don't know. You have already stated some good qualities you have.

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Thank you for writing about this. It's one of the main reasons that I joined this site. In my experience, social isolation becomes a vicious cycle. When you are very isolated, it can be difficult to find topics for small talk. I have a lot of interests, but they are generally no-nos with people you've just met (politics, gender issues, history, etc). If you have a social life, you can talk about that. When I meet new people, because I don't have a lot of small talk options, the conversations often start to revolve around me and get overly revealing. As someone said above, when you're very isolated, there's a tendency to get very self-absorbed. Maybe it's not really fair to call it self-absorbed, maybe it's more a matter of not feeling qualified to venture an opinion on matters other than oneself. As a result, I avoid meeting new people, since it's likely to become a discussion of what a freak I am (not quite in those terms, but that's the take-away message), and I lack the social skills to direct the conversation in a more pleasant direction. Add alcohol to the mix, and it gets hideous.

Another factor that I find very frustrating about social interaction is that although I'm highly intelligent on paper, in person apparently I tend to come across as sort of dumb, or at least I feel like people often treat me this way. I'm not entirely sure why this is. When I was at university, I found that the professors treated me this way. If they had no idea who I was when they marked the papers, I seemed to do a lot better, and when it was time to hand back the papers, they would seem surprised when they realized I was the one who wrote the great paper. It seemed like if they could put a face to the name when they were marking, I didn't do as well. Maybe part of the reason is that for various reasons I've been quite socially isolated for a long time, and my social skills are stunted, which causes me to come across as not very bright. Or it could be that my appearance leads people to think that I'm a bimbo. Then if I feel that people are treating me like I'm stupid, I get very grumpy and rude, or totally withdrawn, which is not a very effective way to deal with the situation. One of my therapists made me join Mensa, but I never went to any of their meetings because once I started receiving their literature and had full access to their website, it seemed really unappealing. There's probably a good chance that I have Auspergers, but I don't know what good it would do to get it diagnosed (and apparently that diagnosis is being phased out and integrated with autism anyway).

"Romantic" relationships are a huge problem for me, in a similar manner to friendships: another vicious cycle. My experience is extremely limited, to the point that it would be pretty obvious if I got involved with someone, which at my age (mid thirties, though people usually think I'm younger - I often get asked if I'm a student) would seem quite odd. So because my experience is so limited, I am embarrassed and avoid getting involved with anyone, which perpetuates the situation. But based on my appearance people don't realize how inexperienced I am. Even when I was a virgin who had never even kissed anyone, people thought/said that I was a slut. Part of the problem is that the guys who show an interest in me are usually those who I don't have much in common with (they are often "normal", confident, attractive, successful, sort of conservative etc.) partly I suppose because my appearance gives a misleading idea of who I am. I would like to meet more sensitive, quirky, intellectual types who would be more understanding, but that doesn't happen too often, maybe because I look too "mainstream". And since I have basically no friends or social life, the sort of guys who show an interest in me are the types who hit on someone they barely know/strangers, which is usually not something the sensitive intellectuals do.

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