Anybody?

[Calla]

Before I give up here completely...is there just ONE person out there who can understand my inability/phobia of seeing someone professional?

For people to suggest it's because I'm not unwell enough seems grossly unfair to me. If I felt well I would have no problem going I'm sure. But then I wouldn't need to.

I've had to work today, one of the 3/4 days a month I do. And I spent the 3hrs travelling here trying not to burst into tears in front of a train full of strangers. So I know I am not a well person. But I just can't go to the Dr. I just find it strange that no one knows how that feels. I am abnormal

[IrmaJean]

What is it you are fearing, Calla? I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

[Calla]

How does everyone find it so easy? I don't understand.

[IrmaJean]

It wasn't easy for me, Calla, either. I was so scared of the prospect of face to face therapy that I actually tried online therapy for a while. This didn't go well. I was VERY nervous going in, said very little the first few sessions, even asked my therapist to leave the room to read some things I'd written... It was excruciating for some time without a doubt. But then I began to pick up on some of my therapists' "things", his non-verbals, expressions and thus began to recognize him as being a human being like me. I revealed something huge and he responded very gently and reassuringly, passing every one of my "tests". It's a relationship and one in which you tend to do all of the very same things you do in all of your relationships. This can be very revealing.

I think when you're challenging yourself it IS very difficult. The fact that it's difficult means it's something to work on, a place where there can be growth. I know it's hard, Calla. I was a nervous wreck too. You can do it. Make a proactive choice to help yourself. I hope you choose to do this.

[Calla]

Thank you for sharing that. If I got as far as seeing a therapist I think I would be better. Although nervous. It's my GP I can't see. He won't believe me. I once went to him with a mole which had grown rapidly and worried me. He said "don't be stupid, it's a freckle. All freckles grow you know, where do you think they come from?" Cue the most awful embarrassment.

I don't know what to say to him, I will cry uncontrollably and given his attitude he will probably tell me to pull myself together.

[IrmaJean]

Wow, Calla. His behavior sounds very harsh. I'm so sorry he treated you this way. All freckles grow?? I'm no doctor, but that's news to me. Sounds like a very valid concern and one you shouldn't have been judged for. Not that you should be judged for any concern...

Is there any way you can get a new doctor?

[Calla]

I think you're supposed to be able to ask. But I have this fear now. They may all be so horrible. There is a lady Dr who is popular and so difficult to get an appointment with. However, I just know I will cry so much I wont be able to talk so she won't understand me.

[Calla]

I've just turned down some work I can't really afford to turn down because I can't face it

[IrmaJean]

Maybe the other doctor will be more helpful, Calla. Maybe give her a chance? Or do you think it will be too long of a wait? Tell them you feel badly and you want help.

[Guest GingerSnap]

Calla: Almost any professional has spots that they save for emergencies but you have to let them know you can't wait. If you they say "2 weeks" or "2 moths", I say "It can't wait that long." and they say "Well, let me check." and come back at something like 2:00 today or maybe tomorrow. Also, and what I really like for something like the dentist (who terrifies me), you can often get on a list so that they will call you if they have someone cancel or who is a no show and that way, you don't have that worry period before the appointment. I am guessing that the thought of exposing yourself, sort of like appearing naked in front of a stranger, causes great fear to everyone. Calla, you need to make the appointment and see someone because I am really concerned about you and how your good years here are just going to waste away - remembering my younger years and all the things I filled them with brings me such comfort now - I want the same for you. Make the call. And, yes, there are some rude professionals out there but they are a minority and all you have to do is walk out if it isn't what you want - it's your dime they will be on so you should be getting what you want. Deep breath, make a call, just get it over with because the agony of knowing you have something you are going to have to do eventually that seems like it will be unpleasant will just wear you down.

[Calla]

I'll just cry. When I have my suicide flashes though I admit I never die, but people realise how much it hurts inside without me having to say the words. Cry for help i guess. But maybe I'm not depressed, maybe I'm just weak or attention seeking, or over dramatic.

[Calla]

Thank you for that. Yes I do feel these should be the best days of my life. I am wasting the space of someone who should be here

[notmary]

HI Calla,

Seeing my therapist was and continues to be one of the scariest things I have ever done so I do understand your fear.

I first had to get my children into counseling following a extremely difficult family situation. I was so busy trying to help my husband, children and others that I basically ingnored my issues. It was when I broke down and sobbed to a kind man after he asked me "who was taking care of me?" that I was faced with the fact that I had also fallen apart and that I needed help. The first counselor I saw suggested that I should try to take a leave of absence from my job to face these problems... that was not the type of advice/help I needed. So I searched out a second therapist. He was an ass and did something so horrible that I probably could have brought him up on charges. I thought to my self "Oh well, I gave it a try." and stopped looking. But the depression worsened and I realized that I was going to have to be the one to figure this out.

Onto therapist number 3 who has been like a savior. I wish I didn't have to go. I am "not good" at this looking at myself and making changes. If I didn't go or stopped going I would be stuck where I am. Each week I have to force myself to go and I can't guarantee I will be there next week. But it is up to me just like it is up to you. I wish you luck.

[Guest GingerSnap]

Calla: You aren't wasting the space by being here. How do I know that? Because I am the official deciding person on who is a waste of space. Really, I have told a couple of people that.:eek: I expect to tell more than a couple more that too! Really, it shows that you are trying to work up the courage to take on your issues - I wish I could come and go with you for your first session but I do use a little trick, I have this little good luck charm that my dad made on one of these machines at a special place when I was a child and it has my name on it and I carry it in my pocket when I need it - this makes me invincible when it is in my pocket, no really it does. We are here to get you over the "hump" and as you can see, you are really not so different than everyone else - you just need to sort some things out so you can move on.

[Calla]

Thank you all again. I'm sorry you had such trouble finding a good therapist notmary. But good for you that you kept on till you found the right one. That can't have been easy when you were feeling so low.

And Ginger, good for you for telling people what you think! Something we should all prob do more often!! but yes I guess I am trying to get the courage/ Problem is if I feel good enough to go, I'll feel like I don't need to go! And I'm worried I'll cry but I'm more worried I won't cry!! And they wont' believe me!! Maybe I should just write it all down, what do you think? Will that seem stupid? When I was at school I had lots of "ailments" and I was labelled a hypochondriac. But it was actually that I was bullied a bit and didn't have a great time. Anyway I guess I worry I'll still get that label.

I used to have a ring that belonged to my grandmother which I always wore when nervous. i lost it....devasted!! I think my gran would forgive me and not hate me for it but I miss wearing it. Perhaps you could all have a big group holiday over to me and we can all go together

[IrmaJean]

I'd be happy to come along with you, if I could. I know I'll be thinking of you when you do decide to go.

I hope you feel better tonight, Calla.

[Guest GingerSnap]

Calla: Give us the time and date and we will send you courage and strength in the wind - all you have to do is breathe it in and go forth. You sound like me when I have some medically wrong because if I seem slightly better than I won't call for an appointment but generally what happens is when it gets really bad and I do have to go the doctor says "How long have you had this?":mad: and I know from experience when I tell him a long time that he isn't going to be happy. But, 99% of the time when I went to an appointment (I must believe that I have something that may eventually kill me if not treated), it is some extremely minor thing but the relief is worth going over a silly major muscle pull. You realize that your issue(s) may not be all that serious but it is the wondering that is going to make you physically and emotionally drained, I think. And, what about the crying? So what if you don't or you do? I don't think it will add or take away from what is being otherwise expressed.

[Calla]

Yes that sounds familiar! Its not just mental health issues. I have a problem with my shoulder and neck due to rsi. I left it too long. As we know my Dr is not great and just gave me anti inflammatories. In the end I've had to pay for physio (I felt curing physical pain was worth the money, strange that!) Anyway the physio said it's the biggest lump of scar tissue he's ever dealt with!! Opps!

Do you think depression is harder to deal with the longer it goes on? Do you think they are not that serious then? Perhaps I can deal with it myself. If I keep reading the book.