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Just need to talk


londonuk
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I can feel myself going down again, my body aching with that gnawing tension that isn't muscular but feels like it's in your bones, my days beginning with the battle to see the point of getting up, my mind full of guilt and regret and loneliness and feeling stupid, my future behind me, my friends all f*ing happy, my eyes full of tears of self pity that I can't cry, my time disappearing faster and faster, my mind without a point and utterly unable to find one. I'm in a whirlpool, increasingly unable to hang on to anything, doing my best (back on the pills for a month, meditating daily) but needing something more, and knowing there isn't anything more that can help me because I've tried it all in the decades I've had this sh*t.

I'm not stupid.

I have p/t work.

I can be charming.

I have a few friends.

But I'm not clever enough, I hate work, I can't be charming because I don't have the energy, and I don't have anything to say to my friends.

I hate myself, hate my life, hate being alone, hate being unfulfilled, hate the way my body feels.

I know there isn't an easy answer, but it doesn't even seem that there is even a ridiculously difficult answer.

I want to scream and then someone give me a hug. But there's no point screaming and no one to give me a hug.

Talk about messing your life up.

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Thanks, but it's just so difficult to feel yourself going down again, feel the awful painful inertia in your bones, the daily exhaustion on waking up, the sense of waste in every day, the not knowing how to stop the decline. What on earth can I do? I want to do nothing, but that feels like giving up, yet I've hardly any energy to do anything, and all the things I could do - going for a walk etc, seem so pointless. I went to an exhibition the other day that should have interested me - and just couldn't get interested/engage with it. I am So Fed Up with this.

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Hello London. I think most of us on here have felt (and are feeling) what you are feeling right now, and know how much of a struggle it is to find a reason to get up in the morning.

I want to do nothing, but that feels like giving up

I'm glad that you haven't let yourself surrender to that hopelessness. What I have been trying to teach myself is to find a reason to go on in the little things in life. You say that going for a walk is pointless, but that's okay, there doesn't have to be a point to walking. Make it about getting fresh air, about exercising, about anything you want it to be for how ever long you choose to make your walk, be it ten, fifteen, or thirty minutes. Sit on a bench somewhere and look at the sky, smile to yourself now and again. Remind yourself that you are alive, that you matter, and, as Sedsed wrote:

you might be able to feel all the happiness and love that you sometimes see but know is in the world but you never feel any.

Maybe if we keep giving out what love we can, to friends, family, we will begin to get some back. And if not, that's okay, we will give it to ourselves.

Sending hugs to you, Sedsed, IrmaJean, myself, and to anyone and everyone that needs one. (((((hugs))))):)

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And do you know what to do? I don't.

It seems nothing has any effect, whether it's trying to be active (I even went for a run the other day, then the next day felt like I was losing it completely, on the edge of total breakdown), trying to be sociable (that often makes me feel crap because I can't be chatty and up), getting up early, getting up late, meditating, trying to confront my feelings, trying to avoid them...

And now the dreaded permanent background hum has started again in my flat (or outside it, or in my head, or wherever it is) meaning I'm on edge all the time.

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When I feel like that, which recently unfortunately is quite a lot, I try to meditate. It dosnt always work, but it does help me sometimes. or maybe just pick up my easel and start painting, to take my mind off things. You could try listening to music, that helps me a bit, but avoid the sad songs, they just make things worsen for me.

I wish I could suggest something more helpful - sorry

Take care

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