londonuk Posted August 14, 2010 Report Share Posted August 14, 2010 I can feel myself going down again, my body aching with that gnawing tension that isn't muscular but feels like it's in your bones, my days beginning with the battle to see the point of getting up, my mind full of guilt and regret and loneliness and feeling stupid, my future behind me, my friends all f*ing happy, my eyes full of tears of self pity that I can't cry, my time disappearing faster and faster, my mind without a point and utterly unable to find one. I'm in a whirlpool, increasingly unable to hang on to anything, doing my best (back on the pills for a month, meditating daily) but needing something more, and knowing there isn't anything more that can help me because I've tried it all in the decades I've had this sh*t. I'm not stupid.I have p/t work.I can be charming.I have a few friends.But I'm not clever enough, I hate work, I can't be charming because I don't have the energy, and I don't have anything to say to my friends. I hate myself, hate my life, hate being alone, hate being unfulfilled, hate the way my body feels. I know there isn't an easy answer, but it doesn't even seem that there is even a ridiculously difficult answer.I want to scream and then someone give me a hug. But there's no point screaming and no one to give me a hug.Talk about messing your life up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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