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It all comes out now


AmyeH
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It's good to hear you've sorted out those issues and at least they are coming out, when you supress feelings for such a long time the pressure builds up and when you release them they all burst out so quickly with so much force!

I hope you get on well with your therapist, just out of personal interest what did it feel like for you the moment you realized when and why this started?

For me, when i realized where all my problems were deep rooted in my childhood i just laughed and then cried but it really helps to know when and where things started, at least then you know if there are any unresolved issues you need to sort out.

I wish you all the best for your therapy next week! :(

~Jack [Guy]

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hey don't apologise for letting it all out, i see you've been through a really tough time and you are still having a hard time. Now i've read your background i can see why you are so desperate to get to therapy, i hope all goes well for you :(

Just to let you know about me, i suffered PTSD about 8 years ago after a very distressing run of events, the cause i know but it's locked away in a vault in my mind, i had to lie to my therapist for 3 years and never recovered just pretended.

Shortly after that i started getting progressivly worse again and (earlier this month) i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and told i may have either brain damage or a brain tumor, i was also told that it may be schizophrenia combined with bipolar traits. I didn't even know that was possible! (Sort of makes me wish it was a brain tumor, at least people wouldn't call me mental then, instead i would be some poor guy who's got cancer).

My therapy is in a few days now, seeing the doctor tomorrow, i'm on beta-blocker (propranalol) for intense anxiety i was suffering when faced with social situations (i can understand how you felt when you were anxious!)...

To make matters worse i also have no friends (a couple that i haven't seen in years), the friends i thought i had turned out not to be my friends at all and my family while not dead do not talk to me now because they think i should be locked up in a mental hospital (again). Sorry for venting on your thread but i was just so desperate to get that out!

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I'm also 25 so i can understand perfectly how you can be scared it might come back, i'm scared if i get treated things will get worse again...

I never did tell my therapist what happened, on my last session with him just before he signed the discharge papers i said the real reason why i went 'mental' was locked in my mind and could no be unlocked (i have lots of 'mental saftey features' which kick in to stop certain bits of information ever getting into my concious mind or getting out, thus to stop me ever dealing with it. Since the last hospitalization i also have features that kick in if i'm feeling suicidal and physically prevent me from trying anything).

Sounds like a good thing but its the opposite, i can't express myself, emotionally flat etc. They seem to think i have some lesion (or tumor) on my frontal lobe, no idea what it means though.

As you say the lack of understanding is the worst, i've got the "i'm afraid it's bad news Jack, you have six months to live" speech playing on a loop in my mind.

Please do keep us updated, i will keep everyone informed too, your right, we need all the support we can get :(

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Guest ASchwartz

Amyeh, Guy and everyone,

As a therapist I can assure you that, in the safety of psychotherapy, it is best to tell your therapist everything. It is keeping things in that is what will lead to a worsening of problems. Getting the secrets out into the open with your therapist is what relieves pressure and past hurt.

Tell my your thoughts about this?

Allan:)

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As a therapist I can assure you that, in the safety of psychotherapy, it is best to tell your therapist everything. It is keeping things in that is what will lead to a worsening of problems. Getting the secrets out into the open with your therapist is what relieves pressure and past hurt.

Tell my your thoughts about this?

I totally agree.

Edited by AmyeH
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I do agree with you both, however personally for me the problem is much deeper than embarrasment. Lets say all of my problems have a root cause, which they do, they have a trigger. Now my unconcious mind manipulates my concious thoughts and interrupts the chain of events required to 'have a thought' or 'speak anything about that trigger subject'.

I am therefore unable to express anything about the trigger, i'm not sure how it has come about but i've read neuroplasticity (the brain adapting and evolving) is caused often by experiences and in particular events of great emotional stress. My PTSD was caused by a series of events which will scar me for life and i believe somehow my brain has changed itself to block those thoughts and therefore prevent me from going through the trauma again...

I'm not a therapist, a surgen or a doctor but that is simply my own theroy for what is wrong perhaps. I assume this because there have been times where i have been conciously very determined to express these thoughts but found myself unable to do so.

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But Jack,

Like most barriers that we're conscious of, it gets higher the harder you think about it. That determination to break through increases the energy your defenses put into the barrier. That's where longer-term therapy, with a person you gradually come to trust, can help: you won't go anywhere near the barrier, at first. And, understanding that the barrier is just your mind's effort to keep you safe can allow you to forgive yourself for coping that way. Getting angry at the defenses will just frighten them more.

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But Jack,

Like most barriers that we're conscious of, it gets higher the harder you think about it. That determination to break through increases the energy your defenses put into the barrier. That's where longer-term therapy, with a person you gradually come to trust, can help: you won't go anywhere near the barrier, at first. And, understanding that the barrier is just your mind's effort to keep you safe can allow you to forgive yourself for coping that way. Getting angry at the defenses will just frighten them more.

I guess you are right, defences can be put up and taken down. I watched an interesting documentary about a doctor in the UK who treats his patients outside of hospitals etc. He becomes their best friend and uses controversial techniques to work his way into their minds trust. I think i would benefit from something like that, i have a lot of 'bad experience' with the psychiactric hospitals.

Thanks for the reassurance, perhaps i can map out 'my defences', see how they work on paper and find ways to get past them, do you think that would be a good idea? Or maybe just leave things be and wait to see what the therapists have to say...

(Sorry for hijacking the thread Amy!)

Edited by Guy Out There
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Well, I think it all depends on how your mind works best.

You could view yourself as a castle that you need to storm, where you would need to map your defenses and plan an assault.

Or, you could view yourself as your own best friend, and gradually learn to get to know yourself, until you were able to trust yourself with your secrets ...

I'm being a bit light-hearted, because you're the only one who can decide how best to approach ... you. I would suggest that it doesn't take "controversial" techniques, so much as a willingness not to fight yourself to a standstill over this.

I apologize, too, Amy, though I would submit that some of this might be relevant to anyone struggling to connect to themselves.

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So far the way i see myself is often as a third person, i notice my behaviour and personality is different (almost like a 'normal' copy of myself examining what is wrong with me)...

That is how i got help this time, i carried on for many years thinking it was all normal, just a part of me but when i stepped out and viewed myself i could see i 'had a few screws missing...'

As long as time remains my friend i think i can resolve my problems or at least learn to cope with them in a way as they don't interrupt my life.

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No need to apologize both of you! I think that this discussion has really helped Jack and can also help a lot of people.

Jack, I sincerely hope that you get the help you need and break through those barriers in order so that you can overcome everything that you are going through :)

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