LittleDancer Posted August 17, 2010 Report Share Posted August 17, 2010 I originally posted this in the new starter thread but got no reply... I think because I put it in the wrong place...This will be quite long... I like to give as much information as possible... I figure no-one's really gonna be able to help unless they know the whole story.So. My partner and I got together when I was 19. We met and got to know each other very quickly, and a couple of months in, I moved away from my family and friends (to the other side of the country), to be with him, as he was in work, and I had recently left my job.Before I moved, we sat and had a long conversation about our pasts and projected future and so on, he basically wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing for me. I told him all about how I had been raped a little under a year before, and that whilst I was "comfortable with it", it could mean a long wait on his part for any sort of sexual relationship. He accepted this without question, and said that he was more than happy for us to just, be together.So, we began living together. He supported me until we moved on (he was working as a relief manager at the time and got moved around a lot), at which point we got put into the next place as a management couple.One night, we were sat watching some TV, and he was playing a game on my laptop. I moved up from the floor to the bed, at which point he moved to the floor. I didn't anything of it, and soon fell asleep. The next morning I went on the computer for something, and a found a load of porn on the history. I called him upstairs (we lived above work), and asked him about it (in floods of tears). He told me it was because of the game he'd been playing, on a site with a load of pop-ups. Now I know that pop-ups are not recorded on the history, but I let it go. When I asked him about moving onto the floor, and he said he thought I was going to sleep and he didn't want to keep me awake.I made it very clear that I do NOT like any form of pornography, he promised that he wouldn't look at it and that he understood.Moving forward a year or so (by this point we were sleeping together 3 or 4 times a week, and had a really strong relationship). I was trying to fix his laptop, and when I went on the internet to look something up, the google page thing opened with the past sites displayed on it. I asked him about it, and he said he had no idea, and it must just show random sites or something. I since found out that this is not the case, and it does show sites visited, but due to not knowing at the time, I just accepted it.He kept getting dirty messages on his phone, and I know you only get those from registering/signing up to something of the sort, but again, when I asked him about it, it told me he didn't know why he kept getting them. Once again, I let it go.You see, none of these times, I had no genuine conclusive proof that he'd done anything. Although it seemed pretty clear, I couldn't be 100% certain, and because I really really hate confrontation, I let it go.Then, about 4 months ago, I was doing something on his phone, and his internet history on that came up, full of "porn" this and "big t!ts get" whatever. I through the phone at him (well, tossed it into his lap) and walked off. He was dead silent for maybe a minute, then he got up and came over to me and just said "I'm sorry". I was already in floods of tears... I couldn't believe I'd finally got solid proof. I asked him why he'd done it, and he just said he wasn't sure but he'd never do it again. We sat and had a conversation about how bad it made me feel... How much I hated porn because it's disgusting, it's degrading, it brings back bad memories, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough, and to be honest, I feel like it's cheating. He apologised and so on and promised he would never ever do it again.And I believed him.Then one night last week... I woke up in the middle of the night, and he wasn't in bed. So, thinking he'd fallen asleep on the couch, I got up to go get him. I opened the living room door... and he lept up off the couch goin "Jesus, you scared the life out of me". By which point, I'd already seen his undone trousers, and the TV showing some woman... moaning and groaning... and the words "Red Hot" (with something smaller underneath) written across the top of the screen. I shouted "what the f*** have you got on that TV" and walked out back to the bedroom, already, once again, in floods of tears. A couple of seconds later, he came in, and went "it's not what you think. I was watching Ross Kemp on Gangs, and he was doing some thing on prostitution. I went "that's b*ll*ks, even I know the difference between porn and a documentry". After a few seconds silence, he admitted he'd lied. Again, the first time I had genuine proof he'd lied to me. (And we're not that sort of couple, I honestly have no reason to believe he's ever lied to me about anything else). By that time, I'd calmed down, I had to go to work, so I left it and went.We went on for a few days not really seeing and certainly not speaking to each other. (Due to where we work, we can have the odd times where we have 3 or 4 days where I work 5am til 3pm, and he works 3pm til 2am or vice-versa). From the times I did see him, I think he thought he'd "got away with it". Then a couple of nights ago it all got too much for me and we ended up having a massive long text conversation (I was in work, he wasn't) that went on for the best part of 8 hours. I explained to him again all about how it made me feel, and asked him why he'd done it. He said it wasn't a conscious desision, that it was just... on... I told him that was rubbish as the highest channels he ever watches on Sky are like, 400odd for the sports... and that the porn channels are way up on like, 900something. (Yeah, I did check, and there are 3 or 4 porn channels called Red Hot (amatures, 40+, girls, something else). So there was no way he went on there by mistake or anything. He just said again that he doesn't know why. I told him that it made me feel like I'm not good enough for him, not pretty enough, and he said that's not even remotely true, and he doesn't think that at all. 8 hours and many circles later, we basically left it at me saying that until he gave me a genuine reason for it, all I could assume was that I'm not good enough.He still hasn't given me a reason.I think he's back to thinking that we've moved on from it... but it's just eating away at me.I've done nothing for the past few days but google anyhting to do with porn and sex and whatever else, and lots of people seem to think that it's much better to have your man watching porn than going out and actually cheating, but... as far as I'm concerned, he was sat there getting off to some other woman. People in a loving relationship shouldn't need to do that. As far as I see it, sex is about being fantastically intimate with the one person you love more than anything else, and the idea of him doing... that... to anyone else makes my heart ache and my flesh crawl.He has once again promised that it will never happen again... but how the hell am I supposed to believe that now?Oh yeah, and I found out I had a miscarriage just over a month ago, so my confidence is now comPLETEly shot.I don't understand. People say it's not about sex, it's about A) men enjoying the power aspect... which to be honest just scares me, and it's not about the sex at all, it's about playing out fantasies, or, something... I don't see why I can't be a part of that... We don't really have many restrictions in the bedroom... I'll do pretty much anything he wants... and we still have... had... sex 2-4 times a week...I just have absolutely no idea what to do now...Any thoughts/questions are more than welcome...Thanks for taking the time to read what turned out to be quite the essay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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