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PLEASE can anyone help me


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I originally posted this in the new starter thread but got no reply... I think because I put it in the wrong place...

This will be quite long... I like to give as much information as possible... I figure no-one's really gonna be able to help unless they know the whole story.

So. My partner and I got together when I was 19. We met and got to know each other very quickly, and a couple of months in, I moved away from my family and friends (to the other side of the country), to be with him, as he was in work, and I had recently left my job.

Before I moved, we sat and had a long conversation about our pasts and projected future and so on, he basically wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing for me. I told him all about how I had been raped a little under a year before, and that whilst I was "comfortable with it", it could mean a long wait on his part for any sort of sexual relationship. He accepted this without question, and said that he was more than happy for us to just, be together.

So, we began living together. He supported me until we moved on (he was working as a relief manager at the time and got moved around a lot), at which point we got put into the next place as a management couple.

One night, we were sat watching some TV, and he was playing a game on my laptop. I moved up from the floor to the bed, at which point he moved to the floor. I didn't anything of it, and soon fell asleep. The next morning I went on the computer for something, and a found a load of porn on the history. I called him upstairs (we lived above work), and asked him about it (in floods of tears). He told me it was because of the game he'd been playing, on a site with a load of pop-ups. Now I know that pop-ups are not recorded on the history, but I let it go. When I asked him about moving onto the floor, and he said he thought I was going to sleep and he didn't want to keep me awake.

I made it very clear that I do NOT like any form of pornography, he promised that he wouldn't look at it and that he understood.

Moving forward a year or so (by this point we were sleeping together 3 or 4 times a week, and had a really strong relationship). I was trying to fix his laptop, and when I went on the internet to look something up, the google page thing opened with the past sites displayed on it. I asked him about it, and he said he had no idea, and it must just show random sites or something. I since found out that this is not the case, and it does show sites visited, but due to not knowing at the time, I just accepted it.

He kept getting dirty messages on his phone, and I know you only get those from registering/signing up to something of the sort, but again, when I asked him about it, it told me he didn't know why he kept getting them. Once again, I let it go.

You see, none of these times, I had no genuine conclusive proof that he'd done anything. Although it seemed pretty clear, I couldn't be 100% certain, and because I really really hate confrontation, I let it go.

Then, about 4 months ago, I was doing something on his phone, and his internet history on that came up, full of "porn" this and "big t!ts get" whatever. I through the phone at him (well, tossed it into his lap) and walked off. He was dead silent for maybe a minute, then he got up and came over to me and just said "I'm sorry". I was already in floods of tears... I couldn't believe I'd finally got solid proof. I asked him why he'd done it, and he just said he wasn't sure but he'd never do it again. We sat and had a conversation about how bad it made me feel... How much I hated porn because it's disgusting, it's degrading, it brings back bad memories, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough, and to be honest, I feel like it's cheating. He apologised and so on and promised he would never ever do it again.

And I believed him.

Then one night last week... I woke up in the middle of the night, and he wasn't in bed. So, thinking he'd fallen asleep on the couch, I got up to go get him. I opened the living room door... and he lept up off the couch goin "Jesus, you scared the life out of me". By which point, I'd already seen his undone trousers, and the TV showing some woman... moaning and groaning... and the words "Red Hot" (with something smaller underneath) written across the top of the screen. I shouted "what the f*** have you got on that TV" and walked out back to the bedroom, already, once again, in floods of tears. A couple of seconds later, he came in, and went "it's not what you think. I was watching Ross Kemp on Gangs, and he was doing some thing on prostitution. I went "that's b*ll*ks, even I know the difference between porn and a documentry". After a few seconds silence, he admitted he'd lied. Again, the first time I had genuine proof he'd lied to me. (And we're not that sort of couple, I honestly have no reason to believe he's ever lied to me about anything else). By that time, I'd calmed down, I had to go to work, so I left it and went.

We went on for a few days not really seeing and certainly not speaking to each other. (Due to where we work, we can have the odd times where we have 3 or 4 days where I work 5am til 3pm, and he works 3pm til 2am or vice-versa). From the times I did see him, I think he thought he'd "got away with it". Then a couple of nights ago it all got too much for me and we ended up having a massive long text conversation (I was in work, he wasn't) that went on for the best part of 8 hours. I explained to him again all about how it made me feel, and asked him why he'd done it. He said it wasn't a conscious desision, that it was just... on... I told him that was rubbish as the highest channels he ever watches on Sky are like, 400odd for the sports... and that the porn channels are way up on like, 900something. (Yeah, I did check, and there are 3 or 4 porn channels called Red Hot (amatures, 40+, girls, something else). So there was no way he went on there by mistake or anything. He just said again that he doesn't know why. I told him that it made me feel like I'm not good enough for him, not pretty enough, and he said that's not even remotely true, and he doesn't think that at all. 8 hours and many circles later, we basically left it at me saying that until he gave me a genuine reason for it, all I could assume was that I'm not good enough.

He still hasn't given me a reason.

I think he's back to thinking that we've moved on from it... but it's just eating away at me.

I've done nothing for the past few days but google anyhting to do with porn and sex and whatever else, and lots of people seem to think that it's much better to have your man watching porn than going out and actually cheating, but... as far as I'm concerned, he was sat there getting off to some other woman. People in a loving relationship shouldn't need to do that. As far as I see it, sex is about being fantastically intimate with the one person you love more than anything else, and the idea of him doing... that... to anyone else makes my heart ache and my flesh crawl.

He has once again promised that it will never happen again... but how the hell am I supposed to believe that now?

Oh yeah, and I found out I had a miscarriage just over a month ago, so my confidence is now comPLETEly shot.

I don't understand. People say it's not about sex, it's about A) men enjoying the power aspect... which to be honest just scares me, and :( it's not about the sex at all, it's about playing out fantasies, or, something... I don't see why I can't be a part of that... We don't really have many restrictions in the bedroom... I'll do pretty much anything he wants... and we still have... had... sex 2-4 times a week...

I just have absolutely no idea what to do now...

Any thoughts/questions are more than welcome...

Thanks for taking the time to read what turned out to be quite the essay.

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Marital counseling is also often available through clergy. Support groups are also a (usually free) option.

Dancer, I think the hard part about advising you, here, is that you and your partner don't seem to be communicating. He is not being honest with you (and probably with himself) about his needs, and you don't seem to be able to hear what he might say. Neither of you is thinking of the other person as a person any more ... only as a possible source of pain. To my mind, that's where a "loving relationship" gets lost; almost anything else can be solved.

Have you ever had a chance to work with a therapist, about the rape? That's a significant trauma to try to overcome on your own.

That doesn't mean that it's your fault, or that you should feel obligated to violate your principles. But, for one thing, the part about not feeling "good enough" sounds like it needs work, whether you stay with this guy or go. And, you might have to consider whether staying is what you want.

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So, over the last few days we discussed everything that had happened, and were making tracks to evaluate our relationship, and put this all behind us.

Imagine my surprise when I switched on his laptop last night, only to have some stick-thin blonde with an enormous chest pop up on msn specially to tell me She was "getting naked on webcam right now, do I want to watch?".

He's only gone and added a bunch of 'porn star' girls on his msn account.

Here we go again.

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I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. this is indeed avery difficult issue to address. People have massively different views on pornography. It does sound as though your past experience is making this more difficult for you and agree that if you could talk to someone about this it may help. If you are spending a long time looking things up it could be in danger of becoming an obsession.

It;s understandable how you feel after what you have been through. Has your husband explained to you why he still does these things?

Do you have to pay to go to RELATE? I'm assuming you are UK if you are watching Ross Kemp.

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Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I am very much aware of how sensative a subject this is... that's why i'm on the internet instead of talking to friends about it.

I am indeed in the UK, moved from London to Bucks not that long ago so I don't even really know anyone around here.

Relate is around £30 per email for online councelling... Heavens knows how much it is to actually see someone, even though that's kinda beside the point anyways as I have a feeling if I actually went to see someone I'd clam up and wouldn't be able to say a word.

I somehow ended up on a connexions website, and they do an online instant messenger councelling thing... that would be really good as I could talk to someone without actually talking to them... but they only work with people 14-19 or something.

I can't think of anything to say to him. I tried to ask him again why he did it... He can only ever say that he "doesn't know" and, he "didn't mean to".

That's just not good enough. For the first time in 4 years, I'm actually wondering if it's time to call it a day.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi LittleDancer,

First, please accept my apology for no one having responded to you when you posted this dilemma on the new member forum. It happens only because we don't really have enough moderators and can't help that and, even then, a new post can get pushed aside if another new post comes in very quickly afterwards. However, these are not excuses and I do apologize.

You have really been through a lot. A miscarriage is one of the most devastating losses a woman can go through. How did he react to the miscarriage?

There are several article on this site about the problem of porn. Your partner may have an addiction to porn and that is not difficult to happen. I do not understand why he lies unless he is very ashamed.

In the UK don't you have therapy available even if you cannot afford it? I thought there was some type of socialized medicine availble to those who cannot afford it???? Just a question, I really do not know.

By the way, my guess is that he is truthful when he tells you he does not know why he does this.


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Nono.. No apology necessary. I understand that places like this can get (is busy the right word?). I also understand (in my calmer moments) that my problem is somewhat minor compared to what others are going through.

His reaction to the misscarriage? The conversation went something like this...

Him "I'm sorry. But, you know we're not really ready for a baby right now, not with our career going off the way it has" (We got promoted to management for a big UK company around 6 weeks previous. A promotion we've spent the 4 years of our relationship working 50 hours a week each for).

Me "I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier. We both know I'm not the broody type, but... it still hurts. I feel like a failure, and I feel like it was my fault"

Him "It's not your fault, of course it's not. These things just happen"

Me "But that's beside the point. My life suddenly feels... empty"

Him "...oh. Well, I gotta go to work".

Me "but how do you feel about it?"

Him "it hurts me too, but, I can't help but feel it's a blessing. It's just not the right time".

So, yeah. Didn't really get too far with that.

I tried looking all over the place for any information possible about this situation, but most of what I come up with is help for addiction, which doesn't really apply to me, as, I'm not. And, to be honest... I don't know if he is either. I think it's just something he turns to every now and then. He's admitted to me know since last night that he's done it more than the few times I suspected, but when I was on his computer last night, there was no evidence of it being more than every now and then. Just, little bursts here and there.

I don't understand why he lies either. He said it's because he wanted to protect me, yet he's always said about how we need to be open and honest with each other, and said that he understands it might have been slightly easier for me to deal with had he not lied.

I think there might be help available for people that can't afford it, but my monthly paycheck does not put me in that catagory. We literally just fall into the pay bracket that means we get nothing at all, and whilst we manage to live of what we get, we don't have money spare.

I just don't understand how he can "not know why". I told him that it made me feel like I wasn't good enough or pretty enough and all that, and all he can say is "it's not that at all, I don't know".

I'm getting tired of trying to figure it out. I thought we were starting to work past it, then I found his "friends" last night...

It's too much.

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We've sat and had another long discussion. He swears he doesn't know why he did it, he continues to lie about times when I found it on computers - blaming it on pop-ups, he point blank refuses to accept that he's ever registered for anything, despite the fact that his little msn friends have picked up his email address from somewhere, and (once again) he promises it was the last time.

After spending a good three hours going over it in the early hours of this morning, we seem to have reached common ground with "we'll take it slow and see how it goes"

So how on earth do I even begin to think about trusting him? The last thing I want to do is say that I trust him, then be checking up on him, or, throwing it all back in his face when we have some silly little spat about nothing. That's just gonna make it worse. Then he's gonna end up doing it again anyway, if for no other reason than "She' keeps telling me I'm doing it anyway, it won't make any difference".

I'm gonna go to a Relate councel... place on Monday (would you believe the damn thing is LITerally a 2 minute walk away. If I look out my front room window, I can see the roof of the building it's in), see what they have to offer and wether we'd be able to fit something in for us around work and budget. However, I'd really like to have some "outside" opinions... If anyone would like to share??

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Guest ASchwartz

Dear Littledancer,

No, no, no, do not even think of taking your life. This guy you are with is not worth it. I am shocked at his lack of empathy when you tried talking to him about the miscarriage. What a jerk!!!

You have your whole life ahead of you and you will meet the right guy and have lots of happy and bouncy babies.

Do you have a family doctor or a primary care doctor. You are feeling depressed, in my opinion. And why not? A miscarriage and a jerk of a boy friend? No wonder you are depressed. Your MD can prescribe an anti depressant to help you get through this difficult time.

We are here for you. Remember. We are hare for YOU.


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Got up to go to work yesterday, blanked out and ended up curled up on the bathroom floor with a knife, freaked out and text him to come help me. He came, he got me back into bed... Then it got to time for work. I kinda collapsed or something and started having a panic attack, so he got a paramedic out.

Well, I'd calmed down by then, but She' told me to go Docs first thing on Tuesday. Yay.

Needless to say, we both ended up staying home from work last night. And we actually had quite a good evening... Until I spotted something on his phone.

A message to a number (no name) saying quite simply "miss you xxx". That he'd sent at 3am that morning. Whilst I was in bed next to him.

Turns out it was to one of our old members of staff. And a coupla weeks ago, he mentioned to her about her moving up to our new area, and when She' told him that her girlfriend probably wouldn't be to impressed, he replied with (you'll love this)... "that's okay, she's hot. Bring her too and I can be the meat in the sandwich"

I've never heard him speak like that. He'll say someones attractive, or pretty... Not Hot. Urgh.

I've been looking up best ways to die. And I'm really not the suicidal type... I think I'm too much of a coward anyways, but how am I supposed to get over this??? I mean, at least before, I was only picturing him with the nameless faceless. I didn't think it could get any worse. Now my heads full of images of him with her and her girlfriend...

No wonder he wanted to promote her before we found out we were moving. Probably hoping if he did she'd throw him a gratuitous shag.

Urgh, it makes me shudder.

How do we move on?

I can't leave him. I love him so much... And really, other than this... He's the perfect gentleman.

I seriously need someone to talk to. Like, RIGHT now.

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Hi Littledancer,

is there a reason you have to wait till tuesday to see a Doc? I assume it's their opening times, or something, so if you feel like you can't make it till tuesday, you could call the emergency services to get you help sooner and I'd advise you to do that if you feel actively suicidal.

You can also think about calling some help line, if you think that might help you and you need to talk. You see, this forum is more on the slow side of communication, you can decide if it's maybe better to have someone on the phone to talk to.

I'm sorry, I don't know what to say about your relationship, but I feel that it's important that you separate those images in your head from what has really already happened. Given that the girl is apparently gay, it seems possible to me that he just meant a joke, knowing that they're not even interested in him, for example?

I obviously don't know that, but I think it's important that you find a way to calm yourself down and labelling those images for what they are might be a good step... imagined. The texts are real, but they are not more than words.

I hope you'll feel better soon.

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I tried calling someone, then I hung up when they answered.

They are imagined, but that doesn't make it any better. What if she does decide to move up this way? I don't know her particularly well, clearly not as well as he does anyway... Just because she's got a girlfriend at the moment... how do I know a threesome isn't exactly what she's looking for?


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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Littledancer,

I agree that, if you are in danger of hurting yourself, that you go to the local hospital emergency room and ask for help.

We value you and do not want you to hurt yourself. I hope you can feel all the cyber hugs from all of us.

Allan (worried) ;)

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I'm not gonna kill myself.

I'm not that type.

I just get a little low sometimes.

He really doesn't talk like that though... We've been together for 4 years, and we're together for most of that. I know how he acts.

Pretty, love, beautiful... yes.

Hot, sexy, fit... no.

I think he could have hidden it for a coupla weeks or so maybe... not 4 years.

I get emails about viagra and webcams and stuff, but the only people to try adding me on MSN are people who actually know my email address. Not random cyberbot whatchacallems.

He's never been the sort of person to 'eyeball' other girls either... He'll mention that a particular actress on tv is pretty, in the same way he'll say that a particular actor has a good (the not-gay word for body).

This is a strange thing for me too... I don't know what a "good-looking" guy is. I love my boyfriend more than anything, and I think he's beautiful. I'm still not 100% sure which one Brad Pitt is... Or what's so great about him.

I wonder just how much the rape has affected me... I thought I was over it... I know I have some warped views on sex, but...

I think I need to find a way to get it all out of my system.

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How's this for awesome...

Having only just recently moved, I've not yet registered with a doctor... So, I hunt around for any doctors and the area, phone the closest one to home (.5 of a mile away), tell her I need to see a doctor, but having only just moved blah blah, she asks where I live, and I tell her, and she goes "oh, we don't cover that area any more. Sorry". So I ask her where I can go, and she says "try directory enquiries, they should know some other numbers". And hung up.

Pardon my language, but, WTF!

The next two were the same (if a touch polite...er), I'm scared to try anywhere else seeing as they're so far away I'd not be able to get to them anyway, and if the ones down the road don't cover my area... well. I don't know.

Think if I tell them I have private cover they'd be a little more responsive. How pathetic.

And the happiness continues.

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