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Dead, alive, dead, don't want to be alive again...


Guy Out There
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[Contains triggers]

Today was the day of my appointment with a specialist, i'd been looking forward to it for some time...

I had an in depth assesment with a nurse and was then sent to a mental hospital for assesment. It brought back horrible memories and i nearly freaked out several times.

Taken into this small office and facing interrogation with this big guy you don't want to mess with, he had a presence about him, he asked a couple of questions and wrote lots of notes from my previous assesment with the nurse.

Finally after a series of long pauses he announces... "It appears you have a very bizare schizophrenia".

The worst diagnosis possible :) Now lets talk about treatment, at least there is some good news, i'm going to recover right?

"I'm sending you to the *** team, do you know AP?"

Of course i fu*king do, i was treated with them for PTSD and i fu*king hated it, i didn't get on with treatment, they did test after test after fu*king test and offered the diagnosis of "mild anxiety". Mild fu*king anxiety!

Worst of all they DON'T GIVE MEDICATION!

How the fu*k am i supposed to recover with a fu*king team that didn't help me without fu*king medication, with the worst fu*king diagnosis fu*king possible. Well at least it wasn't a brain tumor... (Yeah but i had to lie to stop the guy sectioning me!!!!!)

I don't get a say in my care, i was too scared to open my mouth and say something, i have bad memories of the mental hospital. You know i might just go and harm myself right now, go and kill myself, that way i'll either die or get fucking treated better, i can't stand it, i reach out for help and they bundle me with a team i didn't get on with who didn't help me!!!!!!!

(Sorry about the language etc i'm really very angry and depressed right now, please censor it if you must, i tried but i'm in such a rage i'm just going to get that blade out of my pocket and paint my shirt red).

Help someone?

Edited by Guy Out There
Felt calm enough to censor the language...
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Guy, I am so sorry you are feeling this way, and I know you must be hurting, but please don't hurt yourself. :)

Your frustration in this is understandable but hurting yourself won't help. I know how hard it is to have had such hope that now, finally, something was being done and then to have it all turn out badly; have our hopes dashed, but please, don't give up hope. Don't give up Guy, because that would mean that this horrible illness we have will have won.

Try and calm down if you can and think of any alternatives that are available to you. You are in my thoughts. Take care.

Edited by Endlessnight
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Guest ASchwartz

Hello Guy and Endless,

Endless is right. Do not do anything to harm yourself. Why should you hurt yourself just because that idiot who interviewed you was a complete jerk and an insensitive jerk, at that.

Who are what is AP??????

Take some deep breaths and relax.

What are your other options for evaluation and treatment???

Allan:(

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Hi guys,

I've calmed down a little now but i'm feeling really depressed and frustrated, i'm not sure of the alternatives, i always assumed it was psychothrapy and medication. Talking therapy has never worked for me really (not with them anyway), maybe finding the right therapist will change my mind. I'm calling a helpline to see where i stand legally in terms of my choice of care and to see what the alternatives are, i hope i can get it changed soon!

Allan, AP is the name of a therapist i previously was treated by, while i got on with her ok the therapy didn't work and the team in general messed me about so much eventually i just gave up on them.

Thank you both for your kind and calming words, i appreciate them very much :)

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Hello Guy. The cursing didn't bother me any. I'm sure I'd have cursed too.

I'm calling a helpline to see where i stand legally in terms of my choice of care and to see what the alternatives are, i hope i can get it changed soon!

I like your proactive approach. You may be aware of the following sites/organizations but just in case you're not, here's some links that might provide you with some additional information:

- mind.org.uk

- rethink.uk

- sane.org.uk

Guy Out There: he asked a couple of questions and wrote lots of notes from my previous assesment with the nurse. ... Finally after a series of long pauses he announces... "It appears you have a very bizare schizophrenia".

The diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia are a bit different in Europe than they are in North America. One of the primary differences is that in Europe, a diagnosis can be made as based on one month of symptoms whereas in North America, the diagnosis is supposed to be based on six months of symptoms.

I suggest you review both and consider whether or not they are true to your own situation:

- ICD-10: Diagnostic Criteria for Schizophrenia

- DSM-IVTR: Diagnostic Criteria for Schizophrenia

You might know better than anyone here the extent of the difficulties you've been going through but I am certainly in favor of you seeking out a second opinion.

How the fu*k am i supposed to recover with ... the worst fu*king diagnosis fu*king possible.

You know what. I actually think some of the other diagnoses are much worse because I've never heard of, say, 85% of people with autism recovering. Still, I'm sure it's all so fresh that you couldn't possibly have any room at the moment to consider hope or optimism. Feel free to tuck this link away so you can look at it later when and if it's necessary: Schizophrenia & Hope

Worst of all they DON'T GIVE MEDICATION!

There's a case of different strokes for different folks. That's an option that I might find pleasing but clearly, you don't. Hopefully, you'll be able to quickly locate an alternate caregiver to work with and you can pursue your concerns about medication with them.

Between now and then it might be helpful to invest some time in learning about the medications that are typically used to treat schizophrenia. You may be familiar with some of them and may have even made use of some of them before. The different classes of medications typically include: anti-psychotics (neuroleptics); anti-anxiety agents; mood-stabilizers (anti-convulsants) and anti-depressants. Adjunct medications might include sleeping tablets and medications intended to counter the negative side effects of the anti-psychotics (i.e. Cogentin.)

Something else that may be beneficial is to ask yourself: What is it you believe the medications will do for you? There is no right or wrong answer, of course, but knowing what your own expectations and wishes are might help guide you towards the best treatment for you. If, for example, you are hoping to find a medication that can calm any agitation, it would be best for you to avoid treatment with medications that have a history of producing extreme restlessness.

I'm sorry you didn't find the immediate answers and relief you were hoping to find today. I'm also sure it's very difficult but you did manage to hang in this long so that suggests you have it within you to hang in for a little bit longer.

Best of luck Guy.

~ Namaste

Edited by spiritual_emergency
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Thanks for the links SE, i'll check them out!

The trouble i have with that diagnosis being the worst possible is because of the stigma that comes with it. If you say i've got autism, you kind of get sympathy, if you say i've got schizophrenia, people assume your dangerous and keep away from you etc.

The only reason really i favor medication is because so far talking therapies haven't worked for me, i guess i thought medication would provide some relief, i'm on anxiety meds at the moment and they are working great!

For all those interested i had that meeting today (see blog), it went really well, i was calm the whole way through, less nervous and i actually faced people! Looking forward to seeing how i did and whether i get the job!

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Guy: The trouble i have with that diagnosis being the worst possible is because of the stigma that comes with it. If you say i've got autism, you kind of get sympathy, if you say i've got schizophrenia, people assume your dangerous and keep away from you etc.

Yes, and to borrow a phrase, isn't that a f*cking pain in the a$$.

Meantime... I'm a little surprised by the doctor's assessment. For starters, it seems a bit premature -- that may be a result of those different diagnostic parameters (6 months versus 1) but you're also not displaying a number of the behaviors that I would associate with a schizophrenic breakdown. I'm not a doctor by any means but I certainly think a second opinion is worth pursuing. What I do see is anxiety and it wouldn't surprise me, given the setting, your hopeful expectations, the power imbalance, etc. if you were more anxious than usual when speaking with that doctor. It also wouldn't be untoward if you were not sharing everything you were going through in this environment. We've only seen a slice of it but you know all of it. That's why I provided those links to symptoms. Check them out for yourself and if you feel the diagnosis is not appropriate it, challenge it.

There may also be some merit to exploring those issues of trauma because there is a link between trauma and psychosis. I'm rushing at the moment and don't have time to find the link but John Read's Models of Madness is a good primer, as is Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery. It may be that the most appropriate form of treatment for you right now might be trauma treatment along with anti-anxiety medications.

As a final thought... it may be to your benefit to bring some form of advocate with you to your appointments. They can be intimidating events and sometimes, just the presence of someone else who can support you can minimize a great deal of the anxiety that goes along with them. I believe that some of those links I posted above offer information about advocacy services you might be able to make use of.

Continued good luck to you Guy.

~ Namaste

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Hello Guy, i'm glad you are still with us. :)

I'm calling a helpline to see where i stand legally in terms of my choice of care and to see what the alternatives are, i hope i can get it changed soon!

That sounds like a great idea and you seem to have regained a little hope, at least you have a plan! :) Good luck with everything and please let us know how it goes. Take care.

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Thanks Endless and Symora for your support, in the end i haven't called the helpline yet (i'll do it tomorrow for sure!), instead i picked up some leaflets and started writing out a legal document to refuse electro convulsive therapy (i've had this forcefully before, my goodness it is the worst second only to a labotomy).

I have some new found hope for the talking therapy, i'm hoping to give it a proper try for a few weeks first, if my condition is worstening they said they will put me on medication, thats a good thing.

I had to fill out a form at the interview and there was the dreaded question (do you suffer from mental illness?)... I ticked No. It doesn't affect my work so why should i be discriminated against? Do you think that was the right thing to do?

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I can't believe they are allowed to ask that!!! I mean I would say no too!! Like you say if it doesn't affect your work and you're not a risk to anybody why do they need to know!

I mean in this day and age they have to be so careful about discriminating. You're not allowed to ask a woman if she plans a family. You're not allowed (supposedly) to discriminate against anyone for age, sex, race...so why this.

Hope you are ok today :D

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Guest ASchwartz

Guy,

I agree with what all of us have told you. Its good info and advice and empathy. Also, glad you calmed down even a little.

Please remember, you are a human being and not a "diagnosis."

Do you have Cognitive Behavioral Therapy available where you live?

Allan:)

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