disconnection

[Endlessnight]

I'm feeling really weird today and I don't know why. I feel strangely disconnected with everything. I feel numb, and am on auto-pilot. Does anyone know what this kind of thing is?:confused:

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Endless,

One guess is that you are experiencing what we call "depersonalization." It happens to people who experienced severe trauma at one point in their lives. Does this seem to connec with you??

Allan

[Endlessnight]

Allan, what do you mean by 'severe trauma'? do you mean physical injuries?

[Endlessnight]

It's not the first time i've felt this way, it's happened before, and it can be a little scary. It's like i'm not inhabiting my body but am floating somewhere outside of it. All I want to do is lie down, close my eyes, and, hopefully, not wake up again.

Could I be feeling this way because i've been thinking a lot about previous abuse?

[Luna-]

Could I be feeling this way because i've been thinking a lot about previous abuse?

Yes, I think that could be a reason, EN.

[AmyeH]

It's not the first time i've felt this way, it's happened before, and it can be a little scary. It's like i'm not inhabiting my body but am floating somewhere outside of it. All I want to do is lie down, close my eyes, and, hopefully, not wake up again.

Could I be feeling this way because i've been thinking a lot about previous abuse?

I had this yesterday... But can't say that I've had that much of a traumatic experience in my life. Are there any other reasons as to why someone can feel like this?

[Guest nejiwhopper]

EN, I think that your past abuse would be considered part of a trauma that Allan was asking about.

I had this happen at one time. It was like I was watching myself or something. Very upsetting and unpleasant for me. Not getting any sleep seemed to worsen it. Have you been sleeping alright?

Hope it ends soon for you.

Neji

[Lindamomof7]

sounds like a dissociative episode. When I was in my real funk a few yrs ago I drove all weekend, didnt know where I was going, who I was running from and I felt like a "ghost" seeing other people but assuming they couldnt see me the whole time. That consious knumbing feeling is weird. Is this something like you are talking about?

[Endlessnight]

Neji,

Not getting any sleep seemed to worsen it. Have you been sleeping alright?

I haven't been sleeping well for the past few days, so I guess that's why I feel even worse today.

Linda,

Is this something like you are talking about?

What you described sounds very much like how I am feeling. I've been lying down all morning, unable to do anything. And now I need to go back to bed again.

[Lindamomof7]

Oh yeah sleep for some people are real triggers for mood changes. I figured that out and it took a long time to see the correlation.

But It also help me understand quicker when I am cycling into hypomania. But I dont sleep more when I get depressed, I just consiousley "zone" out with no feelings, concentration or thoughts.

Those are the days I lay on the couch and just keep flipping the channels, watching tv but really not... I think we all are aware of our own zone out times???

[mscat]

this happens to me sometimes too... Much like watching yourself do things , yet their is a unreal feeling about, kind of like watching your going through the motions but unable to your feelings or self to it. Have you ever heard yourself talk and it sounds very far away or it seems that it is not even you talking?

Sleep does help , because their is such a dead qualtity to the disconnection so sleep takes away the numbness.

I've read that it is a way to cope with "severe trauma" and it is the way the body deals it . It goes into a protective mode . This kind of experiences have been happening to me since I was a teenager.

[Lindamomof7]

A few good books to read: 8 keys to safe trauma recovery.

and Waking the Tiger (healing trauma)

and Gifts from Within. www.giftfromwithin.org

For me I totally under estimated the power of trauma. Didnt know it was trauma as a kid, but my subconsious did. So life goes on then all of a sudden the repressed memories come , one by one and throws my life into turmoil then to hospitals then trying to figure it all out with only pieces I see in my head. But it is what it represents to me now that is the real trauma. I feel like an exposed wire and then everything bothers me so there is no gauge in processing it appropriately.

So, Im seeing the trauma specialist and boy does she have plans for me! I told her though I am up and down and when down I resist everthing and she told me, dont stop coming she can deal with all of it. So I feel better knowing someone thinks she can really help me and not be intimidated with my funk of depression...

We all have to keep searching for what will help each and everyone of us...

[Endlessnight]

Much like watching yourself do things , yet their is a unreal feeling about, kind of like watching your going through the motions but unable to your feelings or self to it. Have you ever heard yourself talk and it sounds very far away or it seems that it is not even you talking?

Mscat, I know exactly how that feels. It's such a weird, unreal kind of feeling, like being disembodied. Before reading the posts on here in answer to my first question, I hadn't known why I was this way.

feel like an exposed wire and then everything bothers me so there is no gauge in processing it appropriately

I know that feeling too Linda. How do you guys reconnect to yourselves when you get this way? Or do you just wait it out?

[Lindamomof7]

Well for me its hit or miss with my reaction. Still havent figured out the connection to my cycling and if the different mood affects the outcome of my reaction. I am still trying to understand it and with the new trauma specialist I should be able to do that. I hope :confused:

But when I feel like that exposed wire with no insulation to protect me from the slightest trigger, I just sink into being vulnerable with a bunch of feelings like angry, sad, threatened, controlled, manipulated etc I havent figured out which of those emotions is really bothering me. It feels like all of them but I dont think so.

One thing I just learned this week is that I never really experienced being "afraid" I was a head strong, confident kid and I can take on the world type of teenager and even through adult hood nothing really made me afraid.

But that emotion now I think is the worse one for me in that I never knew how to handle that emotion appropriately so I never learned the proper "tools" to deal with it now and it is clear today that I throw up my walls, push away to deal and cope with that particular feeling.

And it is weird to feel defensive and think you have control by doing that and in reality, I feel afraid...

I guess what I am trying to say is that we really need to try and understand and break down the why's of how we feel and react.

Maybe understanding will allow us to better cope with a situation and build ourselves back up to not being threatened and vulnerable and not be that exposed wire anymore....

[mscat]

I have had this happen to me so many times .... Sometimes it can be really scary, and other times I try to just wait it out. Or pretend it is not happening. Try to block it out . Sometimes turning on music helps, or using a distration , keep busy and try to take your mind off of this.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Endless,

All the answers that our community members gave you are correct and right on target and they understood me very well. Thanks all:).

Yes, that out of body experience is very frighening. No doubt about it. Yes, memories of abuse can bring it on but it comes on even when a person does not consciously remember the abuse. They may remember parts of it but not the whole thing.

The depersonalization or out of body experience is a psychological way (an unhappy way) of trying to escape the memory of the experience.

I hope all of this helps. Please let us know. You are not alone with this.

Allan

[Endlessnight]

Hi everyone. It's taken a few days but I think i'm back...in my body I mean.

Thank you all for explaining and sharing your own experiences with me. It helped me understand that it is part of my illness and i'm not just a weirdo.

Allan I know you said not to worry about labelling but until I read the posts here I hadn't known that this was something to do with my depression, and the same goes for my nervous habit of counting all the time. My pdoc never told me what was wrong with me the first time I went to him. I was the one that said I was depressed, but until I came on this forum I didnt know there were different kinds of depression, and many parts to that illness also.

Thank you all for helping me feel I wasn't alone.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Endlessnight

Do you see a therapist along with your pdoc? Ever look into DBT?

I was seeing a therapist and the "talk" therapy has helped me alot but I realized there was more going on when she would ask certain questions about my childhood, I would not want to talk about it and shut down.

So there is when I realized I have more going on especially with some episodes as I had described and maybe that is why I fight so much all the time because there is more trauma in my head that needs to come out.

So, I researched very much and found a "trauma" speicalist and what that entailed and how she had those credentials and it is the best thing I could have done. But I say this now only because we have just begun and she is still fact finding before we really get into the nitty gritty.

We all have "nitty gritty" in us and we have to get to it. She explained in a very simplistic way that talk therapy only is processed in the frontal lobe of the brain and trauma is stored in the back, so in order to access you have to do different things to get to it like EMDR, sand play, etc. any of the multisensory tools they use.

Now I'm certainly not writing this scientifically as some, but I hope you get the idea...

[Endlessnight]

Hi Linda.

No, I dont see a therapist, we don't have them here. What is DBT?

What I am finding out about myself, from posting on here, is that I am sicker than I knew. There are things inside me that I want to let out but dont know how to, and there are things that I think, if I did have a therapist, might come out that would shock me about myself. I wish I knew how to handle my feelings better and ask myself the questions I need to ask, but i'm just not focused or well enough to do so.

When I first went to the pdoc I went as a last resort because I was having so many problems healthwise and mentally. After he gave me the meds I realised I didn't need to pretend I was okay because I clearly wasn't. But, no one in my family even knows I went to see a psychiatrist, so i'm still having to hide my illness from those around me and pretend i'm fine when i'm not. Also when I started taking the meds the pdoc prescribed for me I did feel better and so I guess I kind of hoped the meds would be enough to help me get well but of course I know now that they can't.

I want to thank you and the others for talking to me about your own problems and helping me see mine in a clearer light and I hope that talking with your 'trauma' specialist will help you get better Linda.

Best of luck and take care.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Endlessnight

Im not sure where you are located, wondering why you dont have access to a therapist? Thats why I suggested DBT, it is a therapy originally set up for borderline personality disorder but its teaching can be learned by others who do not have that diagnoses. And you can do it online. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/linehan_dbt.html

It is about mindfullness and how we regulate ourselves, stay in the moment etc. You can google more about it.

I think for any of us who share our personal experiences it is in hopes that yes there are people who understand and care. There are also suggestions people give to help get through, how they cope and the tools they use to get through.

The biggest thing for me was doing the "reflecting" on my life and me figuring alot about myself and connecting the dots of the past and the future and then most importantly put them in a place in my head of knowing, accepting whatever it is and then moving on in a productive life.

And the most important part is understanding and accepting that there is nothing to be lost for advocating for yourself for getting help and understanding from the right people in your life. Whoever they may or not be...

I hope you find this useful and little by little keep moving forward.

[Endlessnight]

Hi again Linda.

I live in Saudi Arabia and we don't have therapists here. When you see a pdoc here you have to register with a government office, but i'm grateful they can at least prescribe us medication.

The biggest thing for me was doing the "reflecting" on my life and me figuring alot about myself and connecting the dots of the past and the future and then most importantly put them in a place in my head of knowing, accepting whatever it is and then moving on in a productive life.

That is what I hope for Linda. To be able to connect the dots and accept where I am now and try and move in. I hope for it but i'm finding it extremely hard to do so on my own. I dont see things clearly enough or objectively enough to be able to.

[Guest nejiwhopper]

Welcome back to your body Endless, I'm glad that experience is over for you.

I wanted mention that I currently live in Egypt. I am American. Are you orginially from Saudi? I only ask because for me, I think that a little bit of culture shock has made my situation worse.

Here in Egypt they do have therapists however because of the stigma behind having any mental illness, my husband refuses to allow me to see one. I am not even allowed to see a doctor for meds for my illness because it will bring "shame" upon him and his family. I was wonder if you experience any of that as well.

I am glad you are able to learn and grown through this site. Sometimes hearing other peoples experiences and views on things helps more then a medical or professional explanation for it.

---Neji

[Endlessnight]

Hello Neji. No, i'm not originally from here.

Yes it can be a huge culture shock, and I'm sorry your husband feels the way he does, it makes things much harder for you to not have anyone that understands how you feel. I know because I haven't told anyone in my family that I have seen a pdoc, I know they wouldn't understand either.

I hope that you can find some kind of relief by posting on this forum. I know that I have.