Is this Munchausen's or abuse?

[tobeistohope]

Hello,everyone. I have been searching the net since the other night when I remembered something I had repressed for years. I have been i therapy for about a year, and it never even came to mind. Here goes; From the age of 6 or 7, until I was 12 and my mom sent me away, she would take me to doctors all the time and tell them something was wrong with me vaginally, that I had a discharge. They never found anything wrong with me, but would give her creams that had to be inserted with an aplicator. In those years, she probably took me to 15-20 docs. She would make me lie on the kitchen table, undress from the waist down, and insert the stuff into me and make me lay ther like that until it was "soaked in". Whenever I had a fever, she would always use suppositories instead of tylenol, and would always take our temp anally. i had a sister, but she never did any of this to her. She was 4 yrs older than me. When we were at peopes' house, she would announce that she needed to put my vaginal medicine in and take me to another room and do it. When at home, laying on the table, and crying because my stepfather was walking around while she was doing it, she would say "on stop it, he's not looking at you. She was always "chekcing me, (my genitals) to see if they were red or anything. She would just walk into my room when I was dressing or in the bathtub, and I never had any privacy.

I am wondering if she had this munchauser disease, or, if not, what was her problem?

[IrmaJean]

Having those experiences must have been so very painful and distressful for you, TBITH.

Munchhausen's by proxy, if I'm not mistaken, involves a mother faking a child's illness or creating it in order to get the attention garnered from the child's treatment. Whether it was this or not, none of us here can say I don't think, but this treatment sure sounds abusive to me! Even if there had been an actual physical problem with you, any needed medication should have been given in privacy and with the utmost respect, I would think.

Have you talked with your therapist about this? I hope so. I imagine you must be experiencing a lot of feelings around this.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

[tobeistohope]

Thank you, IrmaJean. By the way, I love your name! I emailed my therapist about it. In fact, I have been a lot since the memory came. He called while I was at work and left a message saying that knowing this explains a lot of why I've been in a living hell for such a long time. I was so surprised when I remembered it. It never even crossed my mind in all these months of therapy. I must have locked it down so far. I guess Freud had something with all his unconscious stuff.

[Guest nejiwhopper]

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[tobeistohope]

Yes, my therapist says it is probably going to be one of the key issues of why I have had so much trouble in my life. I am so thankful to have him to help me work through this, even though it is going to be hard talking about it because of the nature of the subject.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Tobe,

Wow, that is a terrible story and I am so very sorry you were put through that when you were a child.

Perhaps your mother has Munchausens and perhaps not. It makes no difference because, either way, it was abusive behavior. If she has Munchausen, it would explain why she was abusive to you. Regardless, abuse is abuse and people with Munchausen definitely abusive their children.

Hope this answers that question.

Allan

[Guest nejiwhopper]

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[tobeistohope]

Thank you Allan and Newj. You both make sense. On one hand, the important thing is that I remembered it and am going to work through it with my therapist, and I will understand better why I have been living in hell. On the other hand it does help me not to blame myself knowing that she was mentally ill. Whether or not she had Munchhausens, she must have been mentally ill in some capacity to have treated me that way.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Neji,

Thank you for pointing that out to me. Its an excellent point and I fully agree. Well said.

Allan:)

[GettingWiser]

Sorry to hear you went through that, it sounds horrific :eek:

You know, it stikes me that it was not so much Munchausens but that she developed an unhealthy fixation with your vagina because of some sort of warped obsession with your sexual personhood. She seems to be focused on something being 'wrong' with your vagina. It might have been a projection of her own inadequacies about herself and her womanhood and/or perhaps someone did it to her when she was a child. Some parents can't get their heads around the idea of their kids as separate beings to themselves, least of all sexual beings, and very often kids become the projection board for a whole lot of the parents unresolved stuff. This is what manifests as abuse. Some parents will be physically harsh with a child because they see something in that child they hate in themselves. This happened to my father with my grandfather - he took the worst beatings and treatment out of all his siblings (there were 5 of them) because my grandfather saw too much of himself in him.

Do you see what I mean? Probably on some deep level she has always had issues with her own sexuality and womanhood. Perhaps she was made to feel ashamed of herself as a girl/never really 'made friends with' her own vagina and may even have been abused in a similar way. Rather than deal with these feelings they have been pushed into the unconscious and later manifested themselves as obsessive neurosis/fixation directed at you. That's my theory anyway

Yeah, I've read alot of Freud....!

[Lindamomof7]

Hi tobeishope...

As I was reading through I was saying right from the first reply that the concern you had for your mothers behavior was very confusing for you, and as it should be. She took advantage of you, abused you and justified it to everyone. Whatever the satisfaction it was for her, we will never know but it was clearly innapropriate behavior.

Then I read Neji's response after Allens about you needing to know was exactly what I was thinking.

I have similar feelings regarding my mother. "If" I had only known she was depressed or whatever would make it easier for me to put it in perspective on how her mental, personality,behavior was unnacceptable. If I knew could I have helped her? If I knew would I have not been so judgemental and take such a stance of estrangement? And I think that is what you are trying to learn and then therefore accept in its own way?

We know especially in that generation, it was hard to understand the "acceptance" of the parents behavior by others and why they were "allowed" to do what they did and why no one was able to step in to help.

Children and wives were considered "property" in the past generations and lucky for ourselves and our children, things are different. Not that abuse has stopped, but there is more help available.

Today we have many interventions and a better understanding and knowlege of awareness to any abuse and mental illnesses...

I hope this helps you in any way and I hope you have the strength to continue with your therapist

[tobeistohope]

:(Tomorrow I go to see my therapist. He asked me to write a letter to my mother, which I emailed to him. We will read it together. It is going to be so hard to talk about this because of the nature of the subject.

I figure it will take a couple of session to get through the letter because we talk about what is written as we go through it.

I sure hope I don't have any more of these memories come up. I hope this is it.

[Lindamomof7]

Good Luck at the therapist. Writing is always good for some people. I write to my pdoc when I am in turmoil with him. It is stuff i would never say to him and he can understand what I am saying in one letter, rather then rambling in session.

I hope you dont have any more memories either, new ones are tough because just when you think you have them handled or understand there is no more, POOF comes another piece to the memory. So it can be good, it can be bad. I hope you find peace...

[tobeistohope]

Thank you Linda. I am very thankful for the emails my therapist allows me to send, as many as I want to. It does help with the things I cannot say out loud. Have a good week!

[tobeistohope]

I saw my therapist today. It was a very sad session for me. Since I have remembered this I have lost all energy and am just kind of in shock. He reassured me that this memory is reallly a positive and shows that I am progresing in therapy. Not that the pain is positive, but the fact that these things are coming up means that I am finally ready to deal with something that I had locked away for so many years. He talked about how this was really sexual abuse, being molested by moy mom for so many years. Now I have to find a way to get passed it, in therapy with his help. I just feel real confused, lost, and sad and want to curl up in bed, hugging my blanket. It's so hard to accept the fact that she did those terrible things to me. But she did. I am hurting really bad right now. And so sad. And so confused.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi tobeistohope

I'm really glad you followed through and went to the therapist. It may not be easy but it is what you have to go through to get to the other side, as I am told...

I get it, hope I can to, just saw my trauma therapist last night and she is going to be progressing the sessions and as I need to, maybe everyday like a IOP program to get through some tough stuff.

I'm not happy, I dont want to think of "why" it happened to me and like you why did terrible people do things like that to children.

I understand you being upset, it was your Mom!!! There are women in my womens group with similar experiences like yours and they too cant understand why it was a "parent" Very difficult and my heart goes out to you but try and stay with the therapist, find a womens support group.

I wish you much luck with this and I hope you can find some peace with going through a very dissicult process... (((hug)))

[tobeistohope]

Linda, I'm glad to hear that you, too are facing your giants. It isn't an easy thing to do, but well worht the effort,I think. It's awesome that you can go everyday to work it out. There have been times I wish I had that option. Going every 2 weeks now is hard sometimes, but neccesary due to financial reasons. As for the women's support group, I have always been uncomfortable around women, now I know why, just thought I was wierd befoer I remembered all of this. I guess that's why I chose a male therapist. I dont' seem to trust women at all. Even when a women may put there hand on my shoulder while talking to me or something like that I squirm a little. It's very uncomfortable.

I wish you great luck and peace on your journey!

Amy.

[Lindamomof7]

Thanks Amy

Yes I can understand the issues it causes you. And for me, I now know why I have all female Dr's. But I do have a wonderful male pdoc that I have comfort and trust with although I hated him so much my first visits to the hospital but interesting how I never requested a female pdoc after my memories started and it just goes to show its the relationship that is important...

I totally understand the women group issue. But have you ever met another women who has similar issues? In my group, although I dont have the parent as the perpetrator, there are a few that do and I can see how it is an entirely different dynamic to support and talk about.

Like I said that group has been the best thing for me and if you have access to a group like that please try it again. We have all been our best supporters because we understand. It is like no one is above or under the other, trauma is trauma...male or female...

[notmary]

I hope that you can find peace with this. I will say a prayer for you if that is ok with you.

[tobeistohope]

Yes, Mary that is definatly ok! Thanks so much!