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Not working out, but thanks anyway:)


ChasingDreams
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Hey,

First of all, I just want to say thanks for letting me join your community and to those who did give me feedback. I was so happy when I found this site, and thought just maybe I found a place to get the support I have been desperately needing to get through this difficult time in my life. But I'm thinking maybe I just don't quite fit in:( I know a lot of you are dealing with much harder situations and probably my issues don't seem like much. With the very limited time I have for myself, I think I'm better off doing something other than posting on here and checking 10 times a day for a non-existent reply>< I'm also spending a lot of time reading through what is going on with everyone else and considering how I tend to be an "emotional sponge" I think taking on everyone else's pain is not helping me to be in a better place either:( So, thanks for letting me join for a little while, and I wish everyone the best:)

Take care.

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Hi temporary_username,

I'm sorry you feel that way. I know that it can be frustrating not to get answers as fast as we want them. I've been known to spend a fair amount of time checking on the site, myself.

I'm afraid that, for myself, I've had a hard time thinking of anything productive to say to you. This is very likely my failing, by the way, and has nothing to do with you.

You see, I stayed in a marriage for a long time with a person very similar to your boyfriend (genders reversed). It's a bit difficult, in the face of your optimism, to give you the advice that comes to my mind first, which is to get yourself out.

Many, many people are negative thinkers, and depressed. Not all of them export that feeling to their partners, particularly with this much blame. Someone who exports that stuff isn't likely to look inside themselves for change.

So, it might be better to stick to the person you can change, you. You mention being an emotional sponge; I see that as valuable self-awareness. It might be part of why you accept what your boyfriend says to you, and about you. You might find that working out ways to set your personal boundaries would be of some help to you. In other words, perhaps reading about other people's problems and learning how not to make them yours would be something therapeutic for you to try?

Edited by Mark
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Hi there,

Hope you are ok. I went through that stage of endlessly checking if someone had replied. Just wanting to be heard and advised. And I also get what you mean about being a sponge. It can be draining ready lots of emotional things, especially if we see parts of ourselves in what we read.

I now limit my internet usage on any sites. I feel it's not so good for people who are suffering depression. Moderation is the key with everything I guess!!

Anyway I hope you stick around a bit longer. I'm sure you'll find great comfort here :)

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Temporary,

I also hope that you will reconsider. I don't remember meeting you and, so, I must have missed your first post. Others too. It happens but we try our best.

Also, please don't compare your troubles to that of other people. Each persons troubles are their own and it is not a contest over whose is more or less. I know that when I have a problem, it is mine and I live with it. Why compare?

Hope you stay with us.

Allan:)

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Hi,

Just wanted to let everyone know I am changing my username to "ChasingDreams" out of a privacy concern. After reading Malign's reply above I started thinking that maybe I was hoping for the wrong kind of help from this site. Rather than expecting people to directly support and help me figure out how to deal with my life (not really possible:P), perhaps what I can get out of this is learning how to support others, without taking their problems on as my own. So, I think I will stick around a bit and see what I can offer to other members:)

Oh, and Allan, you did respond to my original post, thank you:) As did Neji.... I just got a bit discouraged when I started posting in the other sections and didn't get much feedback. But maybe I'll start out by trying to reply to the "unreplied-to":D lol

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I do know that an unhelpful response can be more hurtful that no response at all, and I understand what Malign said about basically not wanting to burst my bubble of optimism by giving me a realistic answerXD lol So it depends on the situation I guess. But I know some of us are just here in an effort to feel like we are being heard, probably because we feel ignored in our real lives, so sometimes just a "hi, I don't have any answers for you, but I'm here" is enough:) For other more complicated issues I do realize that sometimes no answer is better, or only answers from those who understand what the person is going through and know how to appropriately respond.

I did just feel a bit of progress with my "emotional sponge" tendencies this morning when my mom called me crying about a fight with her boyfriend, again.... (yeah, my mother uses me like her therapist, I should start charging her by the hour>< lol) and I actually gave her some objective advice and didn't get upset myself:D I used to get so upset when she came to me crying that I would start crying myselfXD lol

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One of my favorite images, that I use myself when I get tangled up in someone else's problems, is to divide the list of issues into piles: one for me, one for them, and maybe a leftover pile for "other". Then, for each issue, I ask myself, "Is this mine?"

So, if someone comes at you in an angry way, for instance, even before you hear the underlying cause of the anger, you know to put the anger itself squarely in their pile, because we can't cause emotions in other people. Their reaction is theirs. Then you can more calmly listen to what the reason for the anger is, and make a more rational decision about which pile that part of the problem goes into.

I wish I had understood this, going into my marriage. Whether I answered anger with anger, or anger with submission (and both happened, at various times), all I was doing was letting her reaction determine mine. I never stopped to consider what my real reaction was, how I really felt.

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That's a really good point, Malign:) I do need to work on separating myself a bit and I like your idea of putting issues in "piles". I'll have to try that:)

Something just occured to me after I got off the phone with my mom... again... just now:P I only like being around people when they are happy... if they are unhappy I either try to make them happy or avoid them>< lol But I need to let them have their feelings and just not take them on myself.

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