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Severe anxiety problem that ruined that life


harp
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I don't know where to start with this, currently I'm planning to kill myself to erase all the traumas I've been through in my life and start over again, and that's currently draining me of all my energy because everything I say to other people is filtered so my plans on commiting suicide don't slip out and I don't get told on to the authorities and forced into the cold empty misery of a psych ward. I can never really get anywhere with anyone in terms of them psychologically healing me because I don't allow myself to tell anyone about my suicidal thoughts at all, so whenever I talk to say, a psychologist or someone trying to assess and assist me in becoming happier and feeling less anxiety and emptiness I can't really get anywhere with them. I often think to myself "Why don't you just tell people about your suicidal thoughts so you won't have to be concerned about every single thing you say? It's not like you don't have no freedom already, even if your not imprisoned in a psych ward, you fear is holding you prisoner." I'm very curious about what other people would say to try to convince me not to kill myself. I imagine them to be pretty weak, like "think of all the people that care about you" or "think of how lucky you are compared to most of the world", which is a reason I want to stop keeping this a big secret also. Now that I talk about this, I was forced into a psych ward several times in the past, and spent many years living infests of being involuntRily admitted to a psych ward, which is one of the reasons I'm suicidal right now. I often think to myself "Even if I do get involuntarily admitted to a psych ward, they'll have to release me some time" then I think to myself that if I was involuntArily admitted to a psych ward there's a very low chance that they'd do anything to make me not feel suicidal any more and I think of the possibility that I'd have to stay in the psych ward until I died naturally becausethat's how long I'm going to be suicidal for which scares the hell out of me. I always feel like I'm in a dream, I'm such a coward, why don't I just tell people what I'm always thinking about so I can stop being a paranoid asocial energyless hermit? I've already had so much of my life stolen from me, so if I only have a little portion more stolen from me, it won't really matter. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of what Ive been through in the past I won't even get into it. Does anyone have anything to say about this?

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I am not going to give you the lame one liners to help you feel better, because I know from personal experience I just want to slap the people who tell me how lucky I am when I feel like crap. I have been through some of the same things that you are dealing with now, and all I can say is

TAKE BABY STEPS THROUGH THE TUNNEL UNTIL YOU BEGIN TO SEE THE LIGHT, THEN RUN TOWARD THE LIGHT. Of course I am referring to the phrase "there is always a light at the end of the tunnel" but I know how hard that is to see when you are feeling so low that you feel like the dirt on the floor that everyone walks on; everyone walks all over you, but you go unnoticed most of the time.

Taking your life would not make life easier for everyone else in your life. It may be a quick means to an end for you, but it would be the beginning of a life of misery for the rest of your friends, family and anyone else who knows who you are. It would be a trauma for them to loose you!! Even if you feel unimportant to everyone right now, there are still people out there who do care, and would if you decided to end it. I will also say that You will eventually work through all the trauma's in your life and will become a much stronger person for it. But if you take your life it will be the ultimate "coward's way" out (I only say this because you yourself called yourself a coward). You are not a coward though, because you are speaking about it here. You are reaching out for even a ray of hope that it is worth dealing with and staying here. You can make it through this!!!

I tell myself and my husband all the time this phrase and I am going to share it with you. When life get to difficult to handle slow down. Take it day by day,and if that is to much take it hour by hour, and if that is to much go minute by minute. Soon you will realize how far you made it by seeing every minute is important, and each one you have made it through means another one that you can change what happens during it. (I hope this makes sense.)

BE STRONG!!

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Because the people left behind blame themselves. They think they should have seen the signs. They think they could have talked you out of it if they had known. They think they didn't make you feel loved, wanted cared for etc. Even when the person leaves a note it doesn't matter the people left mourn and grieve and blame themselves. Not saying it's right or wrong just what I've seen in personal experience.

Personally I don't believe in suicide because I think it means you let life beat you. Face it living isn't for sissies:)

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I don't know what to say to what you just wrote, Sara. Then again I can recall other beliefs people have told me that have left me speechless and confused. Like for example, I used to be afraid that the truth (and when I say the truth I mean the TRUTH) was that males were inherently better than females because they were physically stronger than them, but even though I was planning to commit suicide for a portion of that time I didn't feel comfortable as a male and was always a female in my imaginAtion and always wished to be reborn as a female, and it became a vicious cycle, when I imagined myself as a female I couldn't help but think of myself as inferior to half the human race which left a cold, dark feeling deep inside me but I didn't feel comfortable as a male because I wasn't psychologically male and it just went in a circle and I felt like I could never be in a body I was content in. Than I thought "if someone dies and can suddenly be physically powerful even if they had extremely little physical power in the body that they were in before they died, why can't their soul be physically powerful no matter how little physically powerful their bodies are? It doesn't make sense that the only way someone who has very little physical power can be free of that is to die. If their soul can be physically powerful without being in a body why can't it be no matter what type of body they're in?" So I found a way to straighten that out. It's the same thing for me now with suicide, I want to do it but I also secretly feel this burden of guilt for if I did the only thing I want in the world and I can't talk about it with anyone because I'll be locked up in a psych ward if I do

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Harp,

Are there other forms of power other than physical power?

What if, like me, you're born male but shorter than average?

Do I "keep trying" until I get lucky enough to be born huge?

What happens when the first time I try to enforce my physical power, I meet a tiny girl with a gun?

There isn't only one way to make a difference in the world.

As for your first post -- No one, anywhere, is capable of "psychologically healing" you. That's your job. Others can help, and we're listening for precisely that reason.

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Yes, but if men are physically more powerful and equally powerful on all other terms, than that means men have more power in general. Simply being shorter than average doesn't mean much in terms of physical strength, I guess maybe it takes a tiny bit out of your physical strength, but it doesn't compare to being so weak you can't even leave your home without fearing rape or being lectured countless times about how weak and vulnerable you are (these I have been through).

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Hun who lectured you like that? Sounds to me like they were putting their fears onto you. No one deserves that it isn't fair at all. Male or Female their is risk in living your life but never let it stop you from living.

You said you are male but mentally identify as female. If I have that wrong then please correct me. So have you thought about taking hormones and living as a female? It could help you feel more centered. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are trapped in the wrong body. It can cause all kinds of confusion and emotional upsets. If you feel this is too personal to discuss then please feel free to tell me to take a leap:D or if you want to PM me feel free.

The only reason I brought it up is someone I used to be very close to is transgendered. He moved out of state to be with the man he loves and get married. When he was she she had panic attacks all the time, got into fights all the time, was just miserable and suicidal. When we were in middle school she told me she was a lesbian and started dating girls but still was miserable. So we talked and talked and she explained how she felt like a he but didn't know what to do. So when we were in highscool I volunteered to get an extra credit for civics. The place I volunteered was an advocacy group for gay/lesbian/transgendered/transsexual people so I took him to a meeting and they really helped him. He's been on hormones for about 12 years and isn't sure if he wants to ever have surgery done but I'd never seen him so at peace with himself. He was even able to admit he's attracted to guys. The only reason he had ever dated girls is because that's what guys are supposed to do and he wanted to be a guy so bad. Once he got comfortable with himself he was able to admit that even though in every other aspect of his life he identified as male he was still attracted to guys.

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Hi harp,

Sara still hit the most important point: the person who lectured you had those views; that doesn't make them all true. On the other hand, every teenager disagrees with their parents; that doesn't make every teenager right. ;-)

There needs to be a way to work out reasonable compromises with your "lecturer". You shouldn't have to share their every fear, but you should make an effort to keep yourself safe.

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I'm female and let me tell you I have been in my fair share of fights with guys. Haven't lost one yet :D They can be bigger and stronger but that doesn't mean better. Also not every guy is bad. I'd say the majority are very nice. Don't let a few bad ones you hear about sour you on the whole bunch.

However if you really are fearful you could take a self defense class. Just knowing how to defend yourself might make you feel a little safer.

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Hi Harp;

I am new to this site. My question to you; is there anyone in your Life that you Love or Care about? And if there is how would you feel if they ended there own Life?

I have had a few in my own Life; and it is Sad & Devastating. Yet I myself still feel Hopeless & think about it myself. But I do know neither of them discussed it. So by finding people on here including yourself & me that think about ending our lives but not acting on it, there is always hope & we are not alone.

I dont want to end up in a pysch ward myself & have been there also. Personally this is a resourse & a step I hope allows me to express myself without fear and a path to a better life for myself. Keep expressing yourself & I hope someday you may look back knowing you were able to without fear for yourself and able to help others.

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