lonely happy

[nathan]

I used to be painfully lonely. But i had no way of excaping the lonelyness so the only thing to do was to accept it. paradoxically, once lonelyness is accepted, its no longer a burden, and I become very happy. I experience intense happiness in my aloneness.

The thing is, once you accept your lonelyness, and find this inner happiness, you start to meet people, to attract people. It pretty amazing how that happens.

So just when you found happiness in lonelyness, you find yourself no longer alone. paradoxicaly, you find yourself wanting to be alone.

Sometimes it leads to a relationship of some kind. And for as long as you yearn to be alone in that relationship, the relationship prevails. And just like I had to give in and accept my loneliness (seeing no way out), I know eventually give in and accept the relationship. I suddenly I find myself very happy to be in a relationship.

paradoxically, just as I find happiness in the relationship, the relationship dwindles, I feel alone and want more out of the relationship.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Nathan,

There is a huge difference between loneliness and being alone. Loneliness is a depressed way of feeling because there is a sense of abandonment and inner emptiness. In loneliness, the person is not connected to or relating to other people. In loneliness, there is isolation.

Being alone is a temporary thing and all of us need to be alone sometimes. However, we know we will return to our relationships.

What I am saying is that there is no way to accept loneliness anymore than there is a way to accept depression. They are both very painful.

We all need relationships.

Allan

[nathan]

well i duno man,

Ive isolated myself from others most of my life. Much of the time it was painful. I used to hold on that pain, I used to carry it with me everywhere I went. This perpetuated my loneliness by repelling others with this pain I was holding onto. People can sense it. It manifests all your actions, and reactions, it dictates the way you walk and talk.

But, when I accept the loneliness, the reality that I have no one to talk to or to be with, then thr dynamics change, I stop getting hung up on the fact I have no one. I stop dwelling on it. and in doing so, it allows spontanious happiness to come through. Its like a huge burden is relieved.

Without the burden, I no longer hold onto that pain everywhere I go, and this is an attractive quality to other people. people begin to appear in my life and Im no longer isolated...except now i want to be isolated... becuase im not dependant on others for happiness...

but as more people start to come into your life, you start to become dependant on them again...

[soh238]

Incredibly true. I totally relate - I'm at that accepting stage right now and It's like a way to cope and find happiness without having someone always by your side.

[Ralph]

This is an interesting perspective. I have been trying so hard to get better at my social skills and may have been forcing the issue too much. I agree that we do communicate our emotions through our body language and this will either attract or repel others. I know it happens to me; I steer clear of anyone who gives off vibes of being too angry.

From reading this thread it seems like we need to have a balance between interaction and solitude. How extroverted or introverted you are will determine whether your personal needs are skewed more toward company or solitude.

[soh238]

I think what the guy is trying to say is that relationships are important, but sometimes not possible. It's basically like a vicious cycle where you're angry or depressed because you're alone and people are repelled by that - totally understandable. Then it gets even worse because their reactions to you render you even more alone, which make you even more depressed/angry. I'm definitely a hypocrite in that I would avoid someone I saw who seemed really unhappy. But I think the point is that we are social beings, but it's not always possible. So instead of harping on being alone, we find happiness in other things, while being open to people at the same time. Very true about the different levels of need. Some people are truly happy loners, while others love people, but in the end, people do need people just at varying amounts. It's just sometimes temporarily unavailable. I think that's what he was trying to say...