life has been so hard lately

[tash28]

hi again

sorry I have not been on here lately. I have just come out of hospital after breaking my arm. I was rapid cycling I think and just ould not handle it no more so I went and got real drunk then walked out into the road as a car was going past. I broke my arm. A few days on now and still dont feel like I can cope with life. Feeling really sad

[malign]

Tash,

Was it a suicide attempt, do you think?

If so, did you discuss it with the doctors that way, so that they could help?

If not, it's not surprising that nothing has changed except that they fixed your arm. I'm sorry that you're in pain (mentally, the physical pain will pass), and I hope that you'll consider asking someone for help with that.

[tash28]

hi malign

yes i think it was a suicidal attempt. I did explain this to the doctors and i ended up staying in hospital on different medication. Some of the medication made me feel very sleepy i didnt like it.

My arm is now in a cast got to go back to the hospital tomorrow to see if i need a operation as broke it in 4 places 2 breaks were real bad breaks.

[joeguy]

I really hope things start to get better. I can so relate to you taking the actions you did, to sort of try and stop the pain.

I am a recovering alcoholic, been sober 20 years. And I quit smoking 14 years ago.

I recently lost my cat and it has upset me on the level of someone losing their baby or child. I have been devastated. On top of that, I spanked him and yelled at him before he left. So I have been so mad at myself, I can't tell you.

I cry all day. And what I'm most afraid of is that I'm going to go do something else, like drink again or smoke - or run into a car, angry - and it's only going to make it worse. I so empathize with the pain you've gone through.

Right now, it seems like nothing is going to get better. I even thought of putting an ad in the paper to ask someone to kill me, sort of sniper-like.

Of course, this is ludicrous.

I mainly want you to know that I get it - I really get the pain. And I'm glad you're on here, sharing.

[tash28]

hi

I really do hope you find your cat. Hopefully he will be found very soon.

Thank you for you reply people on here are so supportive and helpful it gets me through the day. This is the only way I can open up so Im so glad I found this website.

I hope things sort out for you and Im here for ever you need to vent.

Take care

[58corvette]

Im sorry things got so bad. I know how it feels when ya just cant take no more. Maybe breaking the arm wont be such a bad thing in this case. You know another chance & some time to be thankful & still have hope.

Im glad your still around. It does continue to give us all hope. And Joe I hope all goes well with your cat. When I was going through my Divorce; My Dog Thunder was with me the whole time; Such a Friend. Just lost him last year. I will always miss him. But I know if there is a Heaven he's there.

Tash you continue to feel Free to be open. There will always be people here on this Site that can Relate, Help & be here to Support you.

Sincerely; Jim

[tash28]

Thanks jim

I did try to go to the doctors yesterday as I think I am rapid cycling. One minute Im crying , the next I feel like I really want to kill someone, then Im really happy and real over the top with everything I do, Then Im on the internet buying loads of expensive stuff. I have not slept for nearly a week now. (Is this normal) I took myself of the medication a few years ago as it sent me right over the edge and I put on loads of weight. I really think I need help but just cant find mysef able to ask for it. Y because Im weak.

Anyway thank you for your reply and hope you are ok.

Tasha

[58corvette]

PLEASE get Yourself HELP. It is not normal to not sleep for a week. You Need to Sleep & rest your mind. Dont hurt anyone it is not worth the Value of your Life.

They're are Helplines everywhere. Although I know your weak just please do it. It will help Talking to A Person that cares & understands. And you will calm down. Everything is Temporary.

Sincerely & The Best To You. Jim

[Luna-]

Tash, this is serious. What did the doctor say? It sounds very much like mania. You know there are medications that don't make you put on weight, I'm doing pretty well in that department at the moment, after having been on a fattening med. Otherwise, what sorts of things relax you and calm you down? I hope you go to lie down at night, even if you don't fall asleep. You will burn yourself out and crash into a depression if you don't sleep. Try some nice long baths? Or any activity that slows you down so you can land smoothly.

[tash28]

hi

I never made it to the doctors. I sat in the waiting room of the doctors and I was there for a while and it started to get real busy so I started to panic. I was already in a panic before entering the waiting room as I was going to have to explqin to the doctor what was wrong and ask for help again. So I ended up leaving without seeing the doctor everyone was looking at me in the waiting room I was shaking my breathing was real fast and I just looked a mess so I ran out. I am going to ring the doctors tomorrow to get another appointment and this time I really have to do it. I know this is not normal behaviour and the scary part is I can see what is going to happen if I cant get this help. I did find this web site that I can buy medication from but really not sure if it is trusted.

So plan for monday is phome doctors and get another appointment for this week.

I dont have much time to relax as I try to keep myself resl busy as someonme told me once to keep busy and when your ready you will crash.

So I do my horses in the morning then I have to come home get ready for work then I go work then in the evening I will go see a friend or something.

My friend did say to me a couple of days ago then I need to slow down and relax so she suggusted maybe in the week getting a film out to watch one night. This thought is very scary as I dont relax I have not relaxed for such a long time but Im going to give it a go I have not watched a film for so long.

Thank you so much for your advice and support I am so grateful and it helps to know pwople out there know what your talking about and its not me going crazy

[Luna-]

It will be particularly important to slow down and decrease the stimulation you are getting. Staying at home will help. If you must be busy, do things that require that you sit down and keep relatively still. (and I DON'T mean get online and spend money! )

Do you read? I find reading is an active thing that I can do when I can't relax, but at the same time it keeps me from running about and getting more manic. Watching a film will do it too. I also sew and make art, that is a relatively safe thing to stay busy with. I also have a drive to be very busy in this state.

[tash28]

I do find it very hard as sometimes I feel like running away and I feel by keeping busy and just not stoping is a sort of way of running away as then I really dont have time to think about anything as Im just going from one thing to the next without a break.

I use to love reading not done it now for about a year. I think I will pick a book to read I have loads of books that I have not read.

I seen a few bits of your art work on here it is very good. I have never been very good at art. I wish I was as It must be a very good way to express how you are feeling.

[shanrucas]

Hi Tash, How is it going for you today? As you know I recently had that feeling of just wanting to runaway so I understand. I think I like you am in constant motion, horses in the morning back to taking care of mom and the house whick is getting to be more work each day. Hard to relax and have normal sleep..In fact my sleep is so spastic for that last six or seven years that if given the chance I don't know if I could even sleep more that 2 hours at a time . We both need to find a way to meditate and relax...yet another thing to work on.

As for taking off from the doctors office, I wouldn't worry to much about that, just do like you said and call doc again and explain what happened. It will show him just how bad the panic is.

Hope you have a better day. Shannon

[Luna-]

Thanks, Tash, yes, my art keeps me from doing more impulsive things like ... shopping on the internet! I did that once. I got myself some great books... subscriptions to magazines ... and so on. Then I was hauled into hospital and forgot about them. It was such fun to see the books arriving and magazines being delivered each month after I had come down; I had taken out two-year subscriptions!) Less fun to see money vanish from my credit card. I had spent money that I needed for other things during that mania, so now I hand over all my money cards to a friend when I start wanting to shop. I don't know my credit card number so without the card I can't shop. (Hmmmm, those subscriptions have all expired now, maybe .... ...! actually I can't afford it. )

The reason I like reading is that it totally occupies my mind, so there isn't space in there for the things I like to run from. It's very escapist. (Sometimes I overuse it.) But it is good for mania because it slows you down so you don't hype yourself up. My concentration isn't that great then, so I pick simple stuff.

[shanrucas]

Sometimes if I am having to much difficulty sitting still and reading, finding myself reading the same sentence over and over, I will play a game of solitare or do a puzzle, kind a in between thing I guess, having to sit and quiet down but still feel like I a moving around but also finding focus.

Luna and Tash, I hope you are both having a decent day today, its feeling like spring here, sun is out and the birds are singing...oh wait thats my pet canary..

be well, Shannon

[58corvette]

Just to hear you recognised you needed help & made an effort is a start. I had a misshap myself yesterday as I was on this site. Just as things seemed to be getting better.

Both LUNA & SHANNON are always helpful. So i hope things continue to get better for you.

[tash28]

Hey shannon,luna and jim

Hope your having a good day/evening.

My day has been ok, went and seen to the horses this morning then went to work and that was great. I brought one of my residents a dvd and it arrived in the post yesterday so I took it into him today. His face was a picture he was so shocked and happy to have recieved it. I could have cryed when I seen him open it. I also think this is why I do my job and it is always worth while when you get them to smile and make them so happy.

I am going to start reading a book in a minute as Im not tired so will start reading if I can. I stopped reading as couldnt focus on the book as my mind drifted so could never get into the book for a long time. Same with films. But Im going to try to get back into reading as loved reading.

I was trying to comtrol the bi polar myself as felt I knew when I was in a hyper, mania or whatever but I honestly dont think I can control it. That is a scary thought knowing that you are going into a state and not being able to control it. I thought I was doing really well but the way I have been it looks like I cant do this on my own.

I did have a scary thought the other day and it was really upsetting. It could trigger people so will keep this one to myself. Life can be so hard sometimes.

Shannon I dont ride much anymore as I broke my leg 2 years ago and it has never healed so I find it very painful to ride. If I do ride I cant go any faster then a walk. But at the moment I cant ride at all as still recovering from a broken wrist and arm. I still go up each day to feed them which I enjoy doing.

Shannon how is thing with your mum.

Luna how are you, you have been having a rough time lately havent you. Hope you are doing ok.

corvette I hope things start looking up for you soon you deserve it.

Take care

Tasha

[shanrucas]

Sorry that its to painful for you to ride anymore, a friend of mine has the same issue, well except its her back she had surgery on many years ago. She still has horses though and I couple of them she can ride for a short amount of time. I don't get a chance to ride as much as I use to mostly due to lack of time at the moment. but they still provide therapy for me.

I know just what you mean about knowing the mania is coming one and yet not being able to control it. Its all one can do to ride it out, same with depression.

I hope reading will be of some help, maybe a hot soak after a work day. will help.

hope all goes well for you, Shannon

[tash28]

Hi shannon

I started off by reading last night then had a bath then read some more. I did manage to get some sleep. Which is good. Woke up real early so soon as it starts getting light outside I will go and feed the horses as got work in a bit. I never stop a bit like you. But I do enjoy been busy.

How is things going with you

[shanrucas]

Hi tash..Its almost 11:30 pm here, I am hoping to get some sleep soon, mom had me on my feet most of the day, I have all tucked in, but she won't stop mumbling in her sleep...keeps me wide awake when she does that..When I sleep, I sleep on the couch, so she won't freak out about being left alone...haven't slept in my bed in years...if there were room I would of given up and moved it where the couch is..but not enough room. I will no doubt be up before light too, always am.

I hope you have a good day, Im glad you got to relax a bit.

Shannon

[tash28]

Hey shannon

Couldnt you sit with her till she falls asleep then maybe have a monitor in your room just in case she wakes up and freaks out so you can then go take care of her. We use the monitors in my care home they are great. They are baby monitors but we wouldnt be without them as we know when there is a problem. I would have them in every room if I could. As then you know they are safe and can hear if they are in differculty. Just an idea then you could sleep in your romm and get prperly sleep as cant do you much good sleeping on the sofa all night.

Anyway Im just getting ready for work. Im going to go in early today to catch up on paper work as had a few bad incidents that need sorting out.

I hope your night goes well and you get some sleep.

Tasha

[tash28]

Hi everyone I managed to get to the doctors today and they have put me on some medication called Lithium and citalopram. I started taking them tonight so will see if they make a difference.

Hope you are all well

[58corvette]

Thats nice to hear your taking care of yourself. I know once you are on Medication, sometimes it takes a bit to Regulate & get used to.

As long as you are able to recognise the affects & keep your Dr. posted & aware that usually helps.

The Best To You.

Sincerely; Jim

[malign]

I'm glad you're trying again, too, Tasha. Just don't expect to feel very different, immediately. Gradual changes are the best.

How are you doing with everyday life?

[tash28]

Hey corvette and malign

Thank you for all your support. I have to see the doctor every week now so she cant monitor me. Then if I am still feeling like I just cant cope then she will get in contact with the mental health home treatment team and ask them to come and visit me every other day so I am getting some support.

Malign everyday life is the same at the moment really cant stop. Not sleeping well. I am reading a bookat the minute to help me relax but I just cant switch off and its very had to concentrate on a book when your mind is thinking about other things. Its a shame as I use to love reading.

Had my ct scan results back about my leg that I broke a couple years ago it has not healed and the last operation I had on it was not successful so I have to see a specialist and then will prob have to have more operations.

Anyway hope you are all keeping well.