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It's calling [trigger]


Fox1990
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The addiction is calling, it's practically screaming at me.

My mind is zeroing in on the location of the impliment that knows me all too well.

The anxiety is too great, the high afterwards seems so rewarding.

I know i'm sick, I hate myself for this but I can't help it. I've done it anyways and I'll probably do it again. I've become extremely good at hiding this problem. Only on this website where I'm faceless and unknown other than my internet trail can I admit to this.

I'm confused about why I do this. I used to think it was about attention but only I know about it.

I like the pain, well really, I don't mind it. It's like I have to see myself injured. It doesn't make sense to me!

Anyone have an idea why?

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I don't know if i am or not. I'm so distressed, you know? I'm bleeding a bit. God, i sound like one of those people who get off spewing there SI. I'm really not, it's just, i can't talk to anybody else. I found out just a few hours ago i can't see the therapist i was trying to get in touch with. she wants $110 an hour!

I'm not gonna lie, it feels wonderful when i finally give in and do it.

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My therapist was great, even before I showed him the thread. He actually tried to understand what I was feeling. In that particular instance, I recall telling him that I felt like I was popping a balloon. That's not always what it's like, it can be different things at different times.

And I agree, cutting can be a precursor, but it's unlikely anybody will die from that form of SI. That's why I don't get too hung up about it. I feel like crap if I'm driven to do it. Then I think of other guaranteed methods but never go through with any of them. If I want to kill myself, I know absolutely that it will not be from cutting. The first time I did it, that was the intent, then I realized just how freakin long it would take, and how much pain I'd have to endure to actually do enough damage. So the habit just turned into a "relief valve" instead, accupuncture for the soul, whatever.

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