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[CantGiveItAway]

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[malign]

I don't see you as a joke, Cant. And um, if you did do something terminal to yourself, you do realize that all the rest of us would know is that you disappeared, right? It doesn't make much sense to inflict that on us, if it bothers you.

In fact, I've been here more than two years. I've seen people come and go. And I've seen many people stay. Some who leave are happier, and drift away. Some have not gotten better, and leave in anger, or go into hospital, sometimes. Some of my best friends haven't logged on in months. I don't know if they're better or worse, right now; about all I can hope for is that if they need the place, they'll come back.

I came here because I was fantasizing suicide, myself. I thought that every other option was impossible. What I figured out, instead, is that every other option is always possible, so long as you aren't dead at the time. Some of them are harder than others, but I couldn't find one that was as hard as coming back from the dead ...

I hope you'll consider that emptiness a life-threatening problem, even if today isn't the day. You deserve to live, and there is help to be sought. I know that goes against everything the depression is telling you; I've been there. That's how I know it's lying.

[finding my way]

CGIA, I'm sorry you are feeling so low.

It's important to have relationships in your life, but of course that is easier said than done. This site can give a person some practice with that, or just feedback on an issue. If you keep in mind what your need is, it will be easier to work toward getting it met and be clear why you are here.

For me, mental health will always be something I have to work on to maintain. It means a lot to me to be around others who are also putting in an effort toward their mental health, and who speak that language.

[shanrucas]

Can't,,you are a wonderful member of this community, and yes we would notice if you left...Not to long ago you responded to my thread in urgent, it meant alot to me.

I know it is hard when you develope friendship relationships here and then you loose a friend. As you know I recently feel I lost a couple of friends here, and yes I was heart broken, but guess what, I still have many more here and I meet a new one almost everyday.

Other than my mom I too am alone and it scares me too, what will happen when she is gone. I have been in those desparate times where I thought it would just be easier to end it and die, like you said not afraid of dying,came close one time, but I realize that my fear is living. but I have chosen at least at the moment to head to head with whatever storm my be coming my way. Will you join me in that fight? friend, you are now joke, your words gave me comfort when I needed it the most.

Sincerely Shannon

[shanrucas]

forgive the typing errors, I hope you still get the meaning though;)

[Luna-]

Cant

You are helping. That isn't bullshit and I certainly don't see you as a joke. We call it "depression talking" and depression tells you lies. That emptiness and suicidality eats at you.

I want to address this:

I guess I was on a little high thinking I was helping people in some small way but thats bullshit. People probably see me as a fucking joke ... ... when people get better they just leave and I saw someone elses where they were wondering where everybody was. That sounds terrible to me. I got so scared of thinking of talking to people and getting to know them and then having them just abruptly leave and never be heard from again. That would really hurt me.

You don't need to bring this into your life, that is very true. You'll know what is best for you and that's what you will do. If you decide to linger a while, there are a few things you learn (and I really hope this doesn't sound condescending!) I've been here a year and I've learnt things about this place and about being here and I want to convey a few of them because I have felt just as you do about this place.

One of them is that you don't have to make a major, deeply meaningful and lasting difference in people's lives in order to help them. Everything you do, every post, is reaching out. We can't solve each others' problems. (Some of us, like me, can't even solve our own problems. ) Each little post you write to someone is a connection, though, and that means something. It means that you read what someone wrote and took the time to sit and type something back. Someone had the experience of being heard. Every time. You are helping.

Another thing I've learnt is to write something supportive when someone touches me or I think I can add something and then let it go. Let go of the outcome. What happens after that is beyond your control so don't get hung up on "did I really help that person?" They will receive it. They may or may not acknowledge it. You may never know how they feel about it. But you did what you could do, let go of the rest. Perhaps that is part of the detachment you mean is needed?

Another thing is that I can't help everybody. The well of need is bottomless. I've gone through phases of trying, only to burn out. You can be overwhelmed by the number of people with problems and feel your own contribution is a drop in the ocean and therefore meaningless. But go back to that one person you sent a response to. It meant something to that one person. It's a self-contained gesture.

As for people just leaving, yes, this happens every day. Most people leave. I once counted 79 new people in 3 weeks. A week later, 3 of those people were still posting (Shanrucas, you were one of those! The other 2 left). Most hardly stop at all, they post once or twice and then leave. It's hard when you've invested time in responding to that person. It's harder still when you've got to know them a bit. This is a lousy place if you want to make friends that stay, you're far better off looking f2f. Mostly it's Hi and Bye. Actually, with newbies, mostly it's just Hi and then nothing. You do need to know that and not expect interactions to last. But often people come into our lives, stay a short time and are then gone. It doesn't mean we didn't connect. You learn to make that enough. Anything else is a bonus. Getting to know people who stay a while is a bonus.

And you wrote that your post was starting to get long! :-)

I'm sorry that you feel empty, I feel that too, sometimes. But those of us who have lingered here are listening to you and I hope that, at least, makes you feel just a little less alone ...

[Guest ASchwartz]

Can'tgiveitaway,

Can you tell us what has recently happened in your life to set off this bout of depression? Its rarely purely chemical.

By the way, we are not going away...we are here for you.

Allan

[CantGiveItAway]

I had a response to malign and others but my computer got messed up and I just seen the other responses so Im going to read them now.

my computer is acting funny and im so tired and Luna gave me some really good things to think about and i need to sleep but i wanted to say that

I didnt say those things about suicide to try and get a reaction or get anyone worked up in anyway....and yes I know I couldnt come back here and tell you I killed myself:)

[Guest]

I think the point of the internet is detachment, for example this place allows me to let go of things and get them out of my head for once though it may not be as good as a real life person, I don't expect it to be and never did.

And whether you realize it or not people feel good helping others, so yes some of us may take breaks from the site but it's not to say we will not come back, and not all of us are going to leave just because we're feeling better this place means something to some of us it gives us hope. For me it gives me hope that no matter how lonely I feel people somewhere know what I'm going through and some even feel similar to how I feel, it gives me a sense of being alone without being completely lonely, and I think we all need that sometimes.

[Luna-]

Cant

I didn't think you told us about the suicidal thoughts to get a reaction. I find relief when I am able to say to someone that I am having suicidal thoughts because it's not the sort of topic you can raise with many people. So it seems to me, to be natural to say it here. I'm glad you aren't wanting to do it, though.

Hope you got some sleep and that your computer got its act together!

[malign]

No, I understood that you didn't talk about suicide to get a reaction, too.

I used to spend blocks of time fantasizing suicide. I didn't tell anyone. I wasn't looking for a reaction ... well, except from myself, I guess.

In my case, and it's likely to be different from yours, I was trying to show myself how intolerable my situation was, that I would rather be dead. Once I realized that all of the things I thought were impossible were really just difficult, but coming back from the dead was really impossible ... Well, everything didn't change immediately, but I started thinking about things in a new way.