Proverbs31:28 Posted October 14, 2008 Report Share Posted October 14, 2008 I have always worried that my illness would end up costing my children. And, tonight I saw very clearly just how real that fear is. Call it anxiety or OCD or perfectionism or whatever you want but it is rendering me impotent as a parent. While DD was in gymnastics class tonight, I was sitting in the parent area with DS, trying to help him with his homework. Everytime I caught a glimpse of DD I would cringe at her less than perfect skills. I was listening intently to the coach as he corrected the girls so I would know how to instruct her when she practices at home. Even though I know she was doing her absolute best, and despite how good she really is for her age and limited training (1 yr), all I could focus on was her mistakes- her legs weren't straight enough, her toes weren't pointed, her body lines weren't clean, she hesitated too much on some elements. I KNEW my thoughts were totally inappropriate and I wish I could just sit there and proudly stare at her but, instead, I was screaming at her inside my head, pointing out all of her mistakes. I did NOT voice my disappointment (which took a great deal of restraint) because that is what my father would have done and I won't intentionally upset, damage or hurt her. When she practices at home, I push her and push her until she gets it right. I want her to have fun and enjoy this sport of her choice but somewhere deep inside I demand she do it perfectly. At the same time, DS was studying his math facts. I would quiz him and he was just sitting there crying because he was not getting them right. I kept telling him to study more and I would quiz him again. Its not an issue of his math skills- this is an exercise in memorizing math facts and he was not understanding that he was not supposed to be solving the problems but, rather, he was supposed to memorize and regurgitate the answers. I was growing so frustrated with him and could feel anger growing inside of me. Again, I know he was trying but it just angered and frustrated me that he could not "get it." I really think if we had not been in a room full of people I would have screamed at him. And, for what? WHY does all of this bother me? Why do I cringe when I see stains on my kids? Why do I scrub their faces when they get a speck on them? Why do I make them change clothes when they are slightly soiled? Why do I make them repeat things that are not done perfectly? Why do I correct their grammar and spelling all of the time? Why can't I let them be kids and accept their imperfections? I HATED the way my father made me feel when he demanded perfection from me and I NEVER want them to feel that way. So, I bite my tongue but I am so worried one day it will just all spew forth. I am sooooo worried about how my anxieties and worries are affecting them. I know they see it on my face and hear it in my voice. I hate myself so very much right now. I hate the way I react to them. I love them with every fiber of my being but are they seeing that and hearing that or are they going to be riddled with the same anxieties and fears my dad created in me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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