randomperson Posted February 15, 2011 Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 Well I hear you and care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena Posted February 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 Thank you Random. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherzade Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 I hear you and i do care. Now, some people are indeed just parasites. I find myself being more and more conservative, which is very annoying for me. What happened to moral? To honour? To a person's word? Some people are so comfortable being suckers of the system and suckers of others... it's so frustrating.I am very sorry that the person you once loved is that person. Rebel!... there aren't many. There are a lot of badly educated, irresponsible, rude and above all selfish and individualist people, but rebels... What is he rebelling against? What has he achieved in his rebellion? Hang on in there. I hope that the outcome is going to be better than what you expect. I do care for you, but it's good to know that you too care and that you are doing nice things for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena Posted February 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 Thank you too Sherzade. I admit I have a strange way of looking at life. Stay healthy so that IF you ever get out of emotional torment, at least your body will still exist. I am convinced that I would have died of a heart attack by now if I had not had this view. (As I sit here and indulge in my chocolate:o). Well I have an answer for that too. Carbs turn into sugar, so skip the carbs and go straight for the form of sugar you prefer! Probably doesn't do much good for my blood sugar levels but it's the one thing that makes me happy at least for five minutes so WTF. Unfortunately I have read that BPD individuals typically have a long and miserable life. So far this has been true for me. And neither the security guard nor the cop would comply when I said, "Please, just shoot me!". Jann Arden rings so true for me right now: "I'm just living cause I'm obligated. I keep trying cause I've got to get it right. I pulled the trigger but I hesitated. Lying here beside myself." I just pray my therapist can fix me before I (or he) give(s) up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherzade Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 It is very hard. But you don't want to die. You want to live. Just not like that. I do believe in change and if i have to spend the rest of my life in therapy trying i will. I hope none of you gives up helping you. I can only believe and i do. I will be away for some days. I hope you continue taking care of your body. See? at least part of you is healthy. My body is as lazy as the rest of me Be well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 ...................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena Posted February 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 I just found out at 3 pm today that I don't get to see my kids for the foreseeable future. The Deadbeat threatens, the mother freaks, the kids cry - and the deadbeat is rewarded with the kids. Wacked out justice. I can already feel my kids slipping away. My only real family. I tell them I love them.... I don't hear it back anymore.... We are both losing the connection. It is unbearable. I do not know the end point. No phone number to even call them at tonight. Deadbeat says he'll give me one. Doubt I'll hear from him. Had to cancel fun activities for family day with my kids. Don't know what's happening at school with them. The deadbeat has their report card - he didn't even look at it. My 6 year old was so agitated during therapy today (I negotiated keeping the one hour appt at 3:30 pm with them, before dropping them with the Deadbeat). It was so painful to watch. My 9 year old is in denial. Smiling, happy - she talked about how she doesn't let bad stuff get to her any more, she just puts it out of her head - I'm not so sure that's a good thing. As for me, I've been in appointments all day. Only just stopped now. Pondering how to get through the next few hours/days. Think I'll go crack open that nice bottle of wine I just bought and the nice cheese to go with it. What I really need is a meat packing plant where I can go pound away at some huge hunks of meat. Doubt I'll find one open this time of night.This is just so unbelievably unbearable. No doubt I'll go do something stupid that just escalates things. Just don't know what yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 ............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chatterbox512 Posted February 18, 2011 Report Share Posted February 18, 2011 AthenaMy heart goes out to you. That has got to be so hard. Is 'deadbeat' not willing to share custody or is that to difficult? I am sorry I am new to your story so I am not as up to date as others may be. But know that I am here to lend an ear and shoulder. I also don't imagine you have a punching bag that you can pound the banana's out of? Add a few apples to that wine and cheese and you have a whole healthy meal and a good night rest at the end :eek: My heart really goes out to you in this time, and please be kind to yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randomperson Posted February 18, 2011 Report Share Posted February 18, 2011 Please don't do anything you would regret just talk it out on here. I'm sorry your hurting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena Posted February 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2011 I seem to be coping OK now. So it's probably time to end this thread. I just want to say "Thank you" to all who have offered their kind words and support. I also want to say "Sorry" to the guys that I've offended here (as I know I have) by using the term "deadbeat". I know it must grate as it seems to only get applied to men. In all reality, there is not really a term that exists for my ex. After all, he certainly was not the wage earner for the past 5 years of our marriage. And he never ever was more than 50% contributor on the wage front. Neither was he a stay at home Dad or a handyman. Nor a gentleman or a kind lover, nor a groundskeeper, nor a bookkeeper, social coordinator, trophy husband, cleaner, dishwasher, organizer or nurturing parent. Some have asked me, "So why the hell did you marry him?" The answer is - "I didn't know he'd turn out so bad." Others have asked "Why did you stay with him for so long?" Well - that's a big reason why I'm in therapy:eek:! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randomperson Posted February 22, 2011 Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 The reason you stayed is you loved him and you hoped he would care enough to grow with you.. to try. It is nothing to be ashamed of at all.We all have a longing to love and be loved.Unfortunately there are a lot of cruel, mean people in the world that simply put don't try to work things out and do not care who they hurt or how bad they hurt others.Dealing with the pain those people cause is what brings most of us in here.The thing I have learned mean people exist everywhere. They are man and woman of all races and classes. This forum gives me balance. Shows that my experience is just part of the puzzle. It helps me step out and look at the bigger picture.I am so glad you are starting to feel better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena Posted February 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 Thanks Random. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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