I cant move on

[sadgreeneyes]

I am deeply wounded and I cant think or move on. I´m a living dead.

He divorced me with revocable, which means I´m still his wife, which means he has the right to take me back within 3 months as he pleases, without new marriage contract, dowry and even without my consent. Even he said I will be free in 3 months its not what I wanted to hear, it really hurts me.

I feel so abandoned, he doesnt even talk with me and he wants me to sit and wait 3 months alone here crying, my days are with sorrow and grief and this will be my days 3 months. Which means I cant start my final grief.

I told him, the day after he told me about the divorce and that I would be free in 3 months, that I would go annul the marriage as I felt hopeless, he told me not to go annul it, that I couldnt annul it as this wasnt allowed in Islam and then he say because that we had to wait these 3 months to see if we could get back to each other, I was reluctant 3 times saying he knows already now he wont take me back, but he still said that "we do indeed not know what will happen in these 3 months".

He could, if he wanted, as I read about the 3 different divorces he told me about, that he could have divorced me uttering I divorce you 3 times in a row, which means it would be a final divorce and he would be able to free me of the 3 months. But he chose the revocable because it means he can take me back if he pleases. If he was sure he would divorce me final he didnt have to make me wait 3 months after what I read.

I still hurt and maybe I still love him, but mostly I feel really hurt by him. I cant believe how strong grip he has on me, I sit here alone while he can chose to take me back as he pleases. Or throw me away. All while I sit and wait for the doom.

He doesnt talk to me anymore, dont know is it because of the "iddah". I can try go annul it, but I feel I still love him and hope for him to come back.

At same time it is so unfair he leave me like this, let me sit alone abandoned missing him and he doesnt even talk to me.

If I was strong I should have moved on with my life, but I cant.

[Sissagwaad]

"What would it mean, or happen, if you no longer believed that?" (that you can't...move on, or 'be strong'?)

[sadgreeneyes]

I would miss him and know he was out of my life forever and I dont want to feel that pain, so I avoid it by hoping he´ll come back. And thats bad because it doesnt seem like he love me.

[Waiting]

Hi Greeneyes,

I am sorry for your pain. It is not about being strong or weak, it is about being human. It is about being you. I understand about not wanting to accept it is over. It is natural. It takes time in the best of circumstances and this is not that.

I really feel your pain.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi waiting,

thanks for understanding, its painful losing someone you love. And it doesnt make it any better knowing I love and miss an abuser. I know intellectually I love and miss an abuser, but my heart doesnt want to lose him.

[Sissagwaad]

I would miss him and know he was out of my life forever and I dont want to feel that pain, so I avoid it by hoping he´ll come back. And thats bad because it doesnt seem like he love me.

Whether he's able to love, you, or himself, has little to do with you. You are the boss of you. If he is worthy of you, or you him, is one thing. Is he happy and healthy? How is focusing on loss, vs appreciating what good and useful time you've enjoyed together, useful? Will it portray an independant person who's learned to be in charge of themselves, one who appreciates what one has or has had, or one who frets themself focusing on imagenings of loss? Which is more attractive?

Its been said that pain is inevitable. Suffering is not. (wish there was an emoticon for a hug) bw

[sadgreeneyes]

Sissagwaad,

the story about me and him is very long, I have written nearly all of it how it was in the other threads. Him doing this divorce now is for selfish reasons.

I know his abusiveness doesnt define me though. But it doesnt hurt any less

[Sissagwaad]

Sissagwaad, I know his abusiveness doesnt define me though. But it doesnt hurt any less

Yes, perhaps defining yourself, not by what you've 'put up with,' or accepted, in the past, can fascilitate your creating a different window, with which to view experiences differently??? Looking at everything that has been, as valueable experience designed to fascilitate one to continue growing and becoming all that we are meant to be.......

There are a lot of pebbles on the beach of life.....

[Waiting]

Greeneyes,

I suggest you try to separate the abuser and your emotions. They are really not related. I suffered major depression as a direct result of my relationship with my wife for seven years. It didn't take brain surgeon to figure out this was not going to work out and yet I kept refusing to give up. Emotions and the intellect often do not agree.

[Sissagwaad]

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt Green Eyes

I don't think intellect is so much a factor, as choosing to not explore outside the ride we're on, almost as if we're not aware, or wanting to be aware there are other rides in the amuzement park of life. I think fear, as in not trusting ourselves, to be able to be ok, without the drama we've become accustomed to, might be a large part of the habits we're reluctant to consider exploring truly changing..... The solutions are there, but sometimes we're afraid to really change..bw

[randomperson]

I'm sorry I know how you hurt. I know it doesn't help ease the pain but you do deserve better and when you heal from the pain he caused you will find someone much much better than him.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hopefully I will be able to recover this abuse and if I do I can start protecting myself. I asked him yesterday to send copy of divorce paper on email ( to see proof he has divorced) , he said he would do it today, but he hasnt.

As they tell me I cant trust anything a P/N says.

I guess he will send it if he has the paper.

[Waiting]

You will be able to recover Greeneyes as will I. I know it doesn't feel that way, but we well.

Our recovery is on the inside and that is where we must focus.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi waiting, yes I guess we will recover. For me it will take long time forgetting the pain, shock and trauma he caused as I really loved him and still do.

[Waiting]

I understand.

I am in a similar although very different situation. Due to the criminal charges I am under my girlfriend and I can not communicate. To survive she left me. I only found out a week and a half ago. She has been dating other people and has a new boyfriend now. My trial still has about two months left and by then it will have been almost two years. The only thing keeping me going was knowing at the end we would be together. Now we shall not be.

I still love her and I think she loves me, but she had to move on to function. I think it is possible we will reconnect, but it was a a horrible trauma and I am full of sadness, pain and the feeling my future will be bleak.

I will survive, but right now it is hell.

You will survive and I understand how hellish it must be.

[sadgreeneyes]

I understand there must have been a difficult situation you two had, I am sorry about that.

Hopefully with time things will get better.

[Waiting]

And the same with you. Both of our situations will improve.

I was funny for me I had to let go and just lose any expectations. I am still along ways from over it, but I am getting there.

[randomperson]

I think that is the key to dating in general to not have any expectations. Keeps you relaxed and if you get hurt it isn't as bad. Course saying this is easier than doing it. Again I'm sorry you are having to go through all this.. I know it does take time to heal.

[sadgreeneyes]

Today he called twice and hang up, I dont know why. I am scared to be hurt more, but wont allow myself to have more pressure on me about the money, I´m not a magic woman and if he loved me he wouldnt leave because of the money, he made me the only responsible for us "being able to be together", the money, he should have thought about this before he married then if he only wanted visa as a GOOD husband would help to find a way, not throw his wife in the trash punishing her for not having the money. How was I suppose to know that before we married, it was impossible for me to know.

A marriage consist of two people helping each other, always, to always be together, there or here.

[Sissagwaad]

i think the focus you share in your parallel thread

"I have to realize I was used,"

also about your relationship challanges,

is much more useful than this,

which originates with the belief, 'i can't move on....'

Attitude is everything, and Attitude is chooseable. love and hugs

[sadgreeneyes]

Well, yes as we know all narcissists/abusers use and abuse in every way they can and if an abuser is not "in it" for the long run as they get bored with a situation very easily, they chose to leave you instead, plus they keep you hanging on as they want to keep the contact in between, to secure you if they might get more out of you after time. Like the money. Its all about control.

[Waiting]

But you must focus on you and not him. Do what you need to do for you and do your best to ignore him.

Focus on what you will do with your life.

[sadgreeneyes]

Yes, I try the best way I can, many times I wish he by a miracle turned back to the person he was. Its hard losing him. But I try my best.

[Waiting]

Well it will take time. It is going to be some time before I am myself as well. It feels like my whole life as been turned upside down and I will never be right again. That is how I feel, but I know I will improve. I know that I will move on and so will you.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thanks waiting, its true it will be better for both of us, I do feel little better already, but this is only because of the fact I know its not personal what he has done to me, its not about me, but him and the disorder. Narcs do not attach to anyone emotionally, they do not own empathy, thats why they can go on their merry way without no remorse. All wiped away like nothing happened. Its hard to fathom and a hard fact.

I am still hurt, but I do not cry so much anymore, I am more in shock and disbelief how he can have no remorse or see what he has done. I still have hard to believe he can be so cold. I think by time it will really sink in full.