I cant move on

[sadgreeneyes]

It is good to hear you are doing so well, I believe too that it feels peaceful after the ongoing suffering one suffered is over. I did one month ago or so feel peaceful too, but for a short moment, it was the moment I thought the pressure having the money ( right income) was over, because that pressure to have to fix with authorities something I`m not able to do just by myself, that pressure having to have good news or be trashed, that walking on eggshells what next if I have bad news, that was just horrible for me, lose him or keep him but then only if I fix the income, its was a nightmare. The pressure is still there as he hasnt let me go and again he started talk how much I must work now with papers and documents if he should back to me and for us to be together, as the parents push him, if parents were little understandable both for him and me, they wouldnt have pushed him. I dont even know will I get a document showing right income and already again just out of the blue I need to work again, sounds like for him much faster than I´m able too. Puh! it really is nerve shaking, not so much as it was as he has been killing much of "us", but still if this keeps rolling I am sure I will get the pressure again. I can already feel it just by writing about it. If he truly loved me he would at least try help me for us to be together, not trash me and make me feel all responsible or he`ll have to leave me. Thats not love.

Yes, I guess we are much alike each other:) going the same path as you and thinking same, but you are right and I am sure too he will continue abusing me somehow. Maybe even worse than I can think of.

Speaking about "being ignored", it is true what you say, that if we are loved we wouldnt have been ignored, you are right its not love at all.

Someone who loves you will chose to talk with you,not ignore or divorce or whatever they do to not be in touch with you face to face, whether it is in real or on cam, they would stay in touch. Even my husband has problems with parents, if he loved me it wouldnt be any problem for him to run down to the internet cafe talking with me as usual even if he was forced to make a revocable divorce to get some peace from the pushing parents and by the way he is a grown up man. As I told him one day he is his own boss, he said he knew that but still it was so difficult, now he wants me to forget all he has said about parents as I confronted him how he could live with a jordan woman down there ( as parents wanted him to marry jordan woman, if thats true at all ) and not me, like all his sayings should be wiped away and that everything would be fine suddenly if I only worked hard now, my goodness I dont know what to think, It would be nice if I could get some help and support from him, him sitting divorced not talking with me while he ask me to work hard, its to lift the eye brows how someone think thats how things work, one sitting divorced ignoring you and the other work:eek:

[randomperson]

You know you have the option to find peace on your own.

He does not control your life yet. Do you want to live like this?

I actually ended things myself.. not on purpose.. but yet it was.

I was in so much pain subconsciously I was doing all I could to cut ties with them without knowing it, sabotaging things myself in a way. Eventually I did end it. Funny I tried to back out again.. but I knew I would.. so I fixed it in such a way where I knew they would ignore me. Saved myself..

Still after all I did to help them, if they were truly good people they would have forgiven me.

Makes me feel even better about my choice to leave all of it behind me.

I knew I would get weak because part of me does still care.

When you give your heart the one you give it to feels like family.

But at the same time.. there comes a point where the right decision is not always the easy one. It was not easy to let go. Hardest thing I have done.. but it was the right choice.

[sadgreeneyes]

I am glad you found your way out, when things gets so unbearable and difficult one loses the energy, you get exhausted trying to make things work. Even I still say, like you have said too random, that it always takes two to make things work, I still find myself hanging on. I am glad I got able to say to him "if I get the money", I just have no health to have this money pressure on me anymore. I wish to be loved by him and to could love him, but now he has created so much fear in me even stated weeks ago he´s afraid he´ll leave me even in my country, so how on earth am I gonna trust him at all. I am a big mess. I dont understand how he is thinking, but then again the N/P traits.

I should try to get out of it, my head say so, but my heart still loves him and sometimes I slip into doubting myself again, every time he say something to give hope. But I cant have the money pressure on me again, I wish I had the money now, but what can I do when I dont have it. Fact is he doensnt need me if I dont have the money. So it seems like.

[randomperson]

Maybe I can help as enough time has passed that I am starting to understand what I went through.

Do not try to understand him.. that is the #1 problem I had... it kept me trying.

Understand yourself. What you truly feel and want.

Do you want him or do you want to be loved in general?

Secretly does not part of you hate him now for the pain he caused, knowing he caused it and does not care how much pain he is inflicting emotionally?

I know with me it is like that and odd combination of love and hate.

If it is so you will not be able to have a happy life with him.

At the same time I will not try to tear up any marriage.

Follow you heart is what I tell you... but KNOW your heart.. that is the key to true peace.

My mother told me this when I kept going back.. kept trying. It might help you as well.

If it is real love boundaries won't make a difference. Problems won't make a difference as they will try any and everything to make it work. Would you not for them?

There will be no "if". There will be no "but". They won't threaten or add any conditions to your relationship with them.

Problems will be separate from your feelings for each other, no matter how complex.

[sadgreeneyes]

You have shared some very wise words here random, I know Ns/Ps cant be understood, so I try to not think much. I do feel though exactly what you wrote, well I dont hate him as it hurts me only to think the words hate him, I dont hate him because I love him, but yes I do hate how he has treated me, it has wounded me. I did ask myself today ok what if everything was fine and he would come stay with me lets say in some hours or tomorrow, I imagined myself this and a panicking feeling was in me, as it created fear and like how am I going to relax and love him, even my heart love him how am I suppose to show it when I know what he has said and done to me. Unless he showed me love first I would never be able to show him the love I wish to give him.

Lets say you get put a poisoning tarantula on the table in front of where you are sitting and it looks straight at you and lets say you have to sit there, what would you feel or do, certainly not try to get close to it and love the tarantula:rolleyes: this is kinda the feeling I got when thinking he would be here, lol..I add some humor to it in my mind...but seriously I couldnt relax. So I couldnt relax unless my husband turned nice, and how on earth is he gonna turn nice after all this, I have hard to believe that. Even I sometimes think maybe he can treat me nicer here as he stated he was like this only because of the case. But I know thats not true as he has said a LOT of BAD BAD hurtful things.

You are right, there wouldnt be any if and but if one truly want things to work, they would not love you for any other reason than for being you, so I said to him I wish he could love me for me and not if I have the money.

I doubt he cares what I say, he almost always or always ignore my hurt or pain, this is because he is an abuser, con man P or N, so it doesnt help try make him understand me in any way emotionally

[randomperson]

and this was my only point. Not that you hate him. I know you love him I still love you know who. But that the past you shared makes it difficult to have peace with him unless he changes which you know in your heart will not happen.

IMO from my experience the only way to make it work is to let him go, heal, and see what is left when you are better. I waited too long.. and ruined any chances I had by hanging on too tight. But this is only passing thoughts from someone who is still very much learning himself. Someone who is still healing.

[sadgreeneyes]

Yes, you are right.

I know I´m not gonna be able to relax and show I love him unless he show me love first. And yes I am very sure he wont change. I am in very much denial I guess because of my FFO issues. My FOB ( fear of abandonment) run deep and it hurts like hell. He is now back again, saying if he back with me I have to work it right, says the man who divorced me ignored me not to come see him and yesterday he thought he could say hi ( after the day I actually should be seeing him again in real) I was so angry on him, he didnt have to come and say to me "he just want to say hi"! like coming back the day after its too late to go see him! so now I have the same pressure about the money. He changed of course when I gave him my opinon/lecture, and turned into forget all about everything, if he would be here with me he would live with me and not leave me. I know honestly I cant believe a word he say anymore.

I hope the pain will stop, with or without him. But with him I doubt it will stop.

[randomperson]

Honestly I think we can both find better. Change that know we can.

As long as he is still playing these mind games the pain will just keep going because your heart is torn.

Part of you knows it won't work but part wants to hope. Most painful experience I have faced.

It is like facing the death of a loved one except you just don't know in your heart which makes it worse.

I am feeling much better now that it is over. I want you to know that.

Not totally healed but much better than I did when it was still ending and she was still toying with my heart.

[sadgreeneyes]

I know I am in denial, I just hope things will be better, but it probably wont if he doesnt change,but how can he change after this, then it will only be him wearing a mask, the mask that did fall off. Maybe I will get where you are, at the time I just try take care of myself the best way I can. I am glad you feel so much better:)

[randomperson]

My suggestion is to set up mini goals but don't make them unreachable.

That way in the back of your mind you will satisfy both sides and hopefully it will ease the pain. This gives him a chance yet doesn't let you keep hurting with no end in sight. But the key is to stick to the goals if you decide to do it otherwise there is no point in making them.

[sadgreeneyes]

Right now I do both things, I take care of myself as long as he is ignorant, he is still there and he has a chance, in meantime I try detach but it is difficult as I dont want to lose him, but if he chose to leave then he just have to leave. I dont do anything now, there is nothing I can do for a while and he knows this. So I take most care of myself right now.

[Leo1954]

Hi

sadgreeneyes

I have been keeping up on your posts. I also use to think my first husband would change the only reason I did divorce him after 3 yrs. of separation is he was doing drugs & heavily drinking. I didn't want my babies at the time 1 was 4 and she was a newborn he kept it up so I had to do something. I also even believed he would change since we had 2 kids & if anybody in here thinks that this will make anybody change it will not work, maybe make it worse & why put the kids through it! I probably did the thing I had to do at the time.

The problem is I still love him to this day. He is now ol enough to know what he is doing 4 wives have left him for the same reason & he is still doing it.

When we do talk because of my daughter is so ill he has told me quite a few times he wished we were together. I have almost done it numerous times but, in the back of my little pea brain mind I know he will never change. I don't think & I know for a fact that he will never change. Of course he gives me the line of I will change I promise! BULL!!!!!!!!

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Leo,

no they usually never change, they always say it wont happen again but its just what they say to continue the abuse. Mine said, after the third time, that he would never say he would divorce again, then he did it 12 times more and even more cruel than the first times even admitting he knew it did hurt me and still continued. Now its been quiet for a couple weeks beside the txts we have sent. I do relax a little more, at least for the moment.