Nothing resolves,

[Waiting]

I feel nothing in my life will ever be resolved. Everything just drags on and I have no power left in my life and a lot of the times I don't care. When I do care I am lost in the misery of hopelessness.

Everything is a struggle.

It is a struggle to eat. I am not hungry and my guts are off. I eat and my guts feel worse.

It is a struggle to seek jobs. The effort is painful and sinks me deeper into depression and it has been almost two years.

It is a struggle to socialize. It is a huge effort and it always makes me feel worse.

I don't see a future, I just see an extended version of now. Time crawls.

I have nothing left. My relationship with my girlfriend was a super-nova against the blackness of space. It is gone and now I am blind.

[hatemeds]

Hey waiting

I'm here - can sense your blues brother - you wandering around in a black cloud huh?

I don't see a future, I just see an extended version of now.

Well you got that part right - it's all about now - it's all we really have so if you dont see too far down the tunnel for now, well hey I reckon thats okay - what say you? Wanna hitch a ride and talk some more? You are a good soul man - I've checked out some of your posts and you're a sensitive soul as well.

So you lost the girlfriend - ouch! No putting bandaid over that - air the wound for a while, ride out the pain and lean on us brother - thats what we're here for - hell I canna tell you how comforting i find this forum on my down days - and I've had a few - crashing bore!!!

****

[Waiting]

Thanks Hatemeds,

I have tried everything I can think of. I get to a point of living in the now, but only if I am numb and want nothing.

The problem if one can call it that is I am not convinced my girlfriend is permanently gone. I see a real possibly of us reconnecting, but I am afraid of this hope, but I a afraid of no home. She was my best friend, the best friend I have ever had. She was the happiest in her life when we were together as was I. We did not drift apart, but rather torn limb from limb by external forces.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to survive. I want the pain to stop, but when I turn numb I want feel.

I will not be convinced it is over for some time. Right now we can't legally talk. When we can she will be in another city. I can't even imagine what that will be like. I can't imagine a world without her.

I truly live in a nightmare.

[Waiting]

Something went wrong with the update of my post. I guess this is my borderline OCD.

[Athena]

Waiting, I don't recall you mentioning her being in another city before. Is she planning on moving?

If it is meant to be, you will find a way to be together. As you said though, she is a friend. Friends can live in different cities. Don't knock the power of e-mails and Skype. You can find love again. It is hard while you wait because that means you don't even consider anybody else. I know how hard that is. but if she turns out not to be "the one", don't worry, others are out there. Don't judge your chances of success by how recent social interactions have gone. You are hurting. You are not at your best.

Distraction is absolutely the key. Last night I had the first urge to go dig out my razor blades since February. But I resisted. I have got a whole slew of distractions now. This site, reading (Dan Hill's new memoir is hilarious right out of the gates. He is quite the storyteller). Tons of movies on DVD that I just periodically collect. Piano, songwriting, writing, ice cream, running, e-mailing friends I have neglected. Get a big long list of stuff because you're not always in the mood for just one thing.

[Waiting]

Thanks Athena, she is moving to another city for the summer then she will be back. I am beginning to think/accept we will never be more than good friends again and I am good with email / Skype etc.

In terms of meeting others I measure it by my whole life and the new standard set by my relationship with my x-girlfriend. I know that will shift in time, but I am unsure about my ability to meet others.

[Athena]

It's hard to meet people when you don't feel like being around them. Give it time. When you are ready, things will change.

[Waiting]

I actually like meeting people. I am just afraid of meeting people who are boring lol.

I bore very easily (ADD) and I have fibromyalgia and so when I am bored I get achy or at least used to. This has been all my life so my behaviors have built around this. The last 10 years for depression have only made it worse.

I think I kind of need to do this to help myself sooner rather than later, but we will see.

[Athena]

Boy, being at home a lot must be brutal for you. If you need to get the adrenaline pumping again, look up 'High Perspective'. Something crazy I used to do about 20 years ago. You can go tandem (ie:somebody else in charge). Think I'll go again when the weather gets hot.

[Waiting]

Thanks Athena,

I will look into that when I have a job. I did bungee jump once and it was amazing. Believe it or not it was completely calm.

If I was going to hang glide I would want to do it solo. I would rather do something less significant on my own than under another's control. Control was important to me the day of my bungee jump and it is more so now as it feels I have lost all of the control and power in my life.

[Leo1954]

Waiting

Ya know I have never put into perspective what you have said and the more I read the posts on this today the stronger I believe you hit it right on the head really my brainfreeze head!!!

THANKS!!!!

[Waiting]

Something is broken on this thread - it says Leo posted last but I see no post by Leo

[IrmaJean]

I can see Leo's post from here, Waiting. Have you tried viewing it again?

[Waiting]

Thanks IrmaJean,

I could after I posted mine. it seems the post count is off by one and it was not showing the second page.

[pseudome]

Dude, I wish I had something useful to say. I don't know. But I'm reading. Sending good thoughts your way. Take care, man.

[Waiting]

Thanks Pseudome,

Not sure if there is anything anyone can say, but I am wishing for it. Actually the common though I have is that I will wake up and this will have been a horrible nightmare.

The big thing is I don't know how to move on. I want a partner, but I am told I am not ready and I think people are correct. On the other hand I am afraid I will never be. I am full of fear.

I know many things.

I am smart.

I am funny.

I am nice.

I am creative.

But I am afraid my career is over. I am afraid I will never connect with anyone like I did. I am afraid if I do it will be a lie. I am afraid no one will want me because I am depressed. I am afraid of everything.

I am not terrified. I am just scared but that fear runs through my head over and over.

Days crawl by.

I want to live forever, but not simply by making time move slower and slower.

[Leo1954]

HI!

NO. 1

If you want to have a relationship with her or anybody that has to be a decision really you have to make. People are supporting you that at this time maybe you aren't ready I don't think anybody especially on here is telling you what to do. It's just nobody wants you to be in more pain than you already are! It' ok [ I mean technicaly ] you lost your job but, that does not mean you can't start another one. You I'm sure you're depressed [now I'm going to get some flack about saying that] but it will take you a while of course to get back on track but, you are very very intelligent. Yeah so you made a mistake so what the hell everybody that is on this earth I don't care who they are if they say they haven't that's definitely the biggest lie you will ever hear. So chin up it's the weekend I personally don't care if it is but, it's a phrase that I have always heard!!!!

[Waiting]

Thanks Leo,

I know no one can tell me how to resolve this and I am certainly depressed.

I have been looking for work for almost two years. I look every day. I have talked with headhunters and searched myself. I have applied for hundreds of jobs. I am still on trial for my criminal charges. The industry I worked for will not hire me and all my experience is in that industry. I know all I seem to do is complain, but this is how I feel. I am trying to get past this and I have not given up.

Right now it just feels I have lost everything in terms of moving ahead with my life. It feels I have no power in terms of getting anything back or moving on. There is no justice.

[Leo1954]

Hi Waiting

You are not complaining you have halped me tremendously I just wish I could give you a magic pill that would make you feel better. I was always told that kinda sounds stupid huh but what the hell I am trying. Is it because of the criminal charges that nobody that works in any industry that your field is in will help? I mean I understand about criminal charges and your job, but hell I don,t know is there anyway you can let me know about your job?

I'm sorry but was she on the same job I can't remember if you already said it! I know an attornet that I went to college with he don't live in my state but maybe I could get somehow information that is different for you. It couldn't hurt HUH!

[Waiting]

Hi Leo,

Thanks for your help. While you have not provided any magic pill you have given me lots of support.

I work with computers. I am an analyst. MY employer for the last 20 years was a police service. They fired me based on allegation related to my charges. No police service will hire me now and my experience is tied very closely with policing.

I believe I will be found not guilty, but I still have a charge of breach of bail conditions. Many other places that may hire me will check this as well.

My partner had nothing to do with my job. I have dealt with many lawyers and I have one looking into my situation, but he felt any significantly good outcome was unlikely.

[Athena]

Waiting,

I think things have a chance of getting better for you on the job front when found not guilty. Sorry if I mentioned this before, but have you considered CSIS? A government position like in Statscan or the criminal justice system? I'm thinking all this is better to wait until the verdict so you don't use up all your potential workplaces.

I know it's hard to take a pay cut and work outside of your area of expertise, but money isn't everything. Why not consider something completely new that still involves computers? How about running your own business?

When you are ready, you will find somebody. Do YOU believe you are not ready for a relationship? Depression is not a good reason to not be in one, in my view. Personality disorders, serious addictions, angry, abusive behavior, a tendency to pick destructive partners may be good reasons, but not depression. In fact, a loving relationship with the right person can help you get out of it. I'm currently reading a book called "Emotional Intelligence". It deals a lot with relationships. I'm barely into it and have already learned a lot.

Have you got help for your depression yet? I think now would be a good time to deal with it since you are not working and you have more time.

[Waiting]

Thanks Athena,

I have looked in many other industries and even if I am found not guilty I have a criminal record now for breach of bail. I have been looking at jobs at close to half my pay before.

My depression is a considerable challenge in considering career alternatives right now. I am caught in the fear of getting nothing anyway and the effort is huge.

As for relationships I am exporting the idea slowly. I think my biggest impediment is simply the search. I think a relationship would do wonders.

Finally I have an appointment with a therapist on May 12. I was seeing a therapist before the new year, but it wasn't working and I felt I could just wait until my trial was over as it was supposed to be done in January. I felt when I was back with my gf,things would be much better. Well that backfired in so many ways.

[Athena]

Glad you are seeing a therapist. Mine has made such a huge difference for me. Therapy sure wasn't what I thought it was. Hopefully you found one that OHIP covers. Keep us posted.

[Waiting]

Hi Athena,

I hope it will help as well and yes it is covered by OHIP or I would not be there as I just could not afford it. My legal fees are massive and paying for therapy would make it too stressful to help I think.

I am not sure I have ever had a therapist that helped in any other way that helping me understand what was wrong so I could fix it. I hope whatever happens she can help me.

To quote Matchbox 20

"Can you help me I'm bent

I'm so scared that I'll never

Get put back together "

[Athena]

OK, that last bit made me laugh. I had a dream about a cut up carrot and my therapist and I were working together to try to put it back together. I started out putting it back together but I didn't put it back in order. So he took it and put it back in order but it was still all bent out of shape. I knew the carrot was a metaphor for myself. Then, after that I dreamed that my therapist had to go into rehab because I messed him up so much.

You can let this stuff stress you out, or you can see the comedy in it. I choose the latter.