Why me??????

[sensitive_woman]

I keep thinking "WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME!?!"

In a fit of frustration, I even sms'ed my ex yesterday asking him why he did this to me... Why he got into addictions of alcoholism, chain smoking and tobacco? Why he married me if he wanted to do all this? Why did he ruin my life? I sacrificed so much, did everything expected out of a good wife, THEN WHY?

Maybe it wasnt right to sms this after the divorce BUT I just had to. Its killing me. I have to know! He never answered then and he didnt bother to reply to my sms yet.

What do I do? I'm so confused and upset.

[Verbally abused?]

I don't know all of your details, I do know that you are not alone! People are there for you. In my opinion, if you are already divorced, there should be some sense of relief..... my husband is not addicted to substances, he is very mentally and emotionally abusive to me and our children. Difference between you and me is......I do not yet have the courage to leave.

[sensitive_woman]

Verbally abused,

I am alone. I do not have any kids. I live with my parents now who are getting old. They need medical help every other day and of course I'm there for them. But all this is getting very frustrating for me. If only, my ex hadn't been so uncaring and addictive by nature. I still cant believe this has happened to me. I left him but I cant get over what happened. I still miss him strangely. We had a bad marriage but I genuinely loved him. He broke my heart when he didn't bother to improve his ways and got violent one night. In a fit of rage, I walked out and never went back. I filed for divorce and he went along with it, without resistance. I dont know if I did the right thing but under those circumstances it was right. It just hurts that he is no longer in my life. I know its best in the long run but I cant get over whatever happened. Its all too scary and hurtful!

I don't know if its courageous at all. I feel lost! I am unable to face any social events or even join a new job with the fear of people asking about my personal life. The minute anyone asks, the tears just flow non-stop. I have to do something about this. I definitely know that I do not want any other man in my life anymore but at the same time, living my life alone seems unnerving. I don't know what I have got myself into. Maybe I should never have filed for divorce and tried to understand him some more or improve his ways? But I just couldn't take the emotional and physical abuse both at once. I have put up with a lot of emotional abuse from him and his mom, but I cant tolerate physical abuse from anyone. YET! I miss him. There is a certain secure feeling in a marriage that no other relationship can give you. I'm confused maybe but thats how I feel right now. How can I deal with it? Its hella confusing.

[sensitive_woman]

Verbally abused,

I'm sorry to hear that you and your children are emotionally abused by your husband. Its a horrible stage of life that I most definitely have gone through.

I was so frustrated that I even wrote an article about it once and posted it on ezinearticles. Most of the time people praised me and that upset him (rather his mom). Now that I think about it, I realise that his mom is one insecure woman, who felt threatened by me and kept insulting me for no reason. Instead of quietening her nasty ways, my husband would play along with her and never even once supported me. I was horrified and didnt have the guts to leave him in the 5 years of my marriage. When the physical abuse started, I couldnt take it and walked out. I even told them that I would get them arrested if they tried to contact me or trouble me in the future. Maybe thats why he never tried to patch up either. I dont know but that stage of life was horrible. I know what you may be going through... Please take care of yourself. Its not easy

*HUGZZZ*

[Verbally abused?]

You would believe how many times I have wanted for my husband to just lash out in a fit of rage, just so I will feel strong enough to leave. Just the same way you did. Taking children with me of course. I have been married for 13 years. Have been trying to understand why he does what he does the entire time. Trust me, I think leaving was the smartest thing you could have possibly done also one of the most courageous!

I know how much it hurts to give so much and not recieve in return.

Is it possible, do you think that when your tears start flowing they are seeded in relief and self praise that you removed yourself from a dangerous situation? If it were me, that is probably where my tears would be coming from.

[Verbally abused?]

OH HUGZ right back!!!!

[mscat]

I keep thinking "WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME!?!"

In a fit of frustration, I even sms'ed my ex yesterday asking him why he did this to me... Why he got into addictions of alcoholism, chain smoking and tobacco? Why he married me if he wanted to do all this? Why did he ruin my life? I sacrificed so much, did everything expected out of a good wife, THEN WHY?

Maybe it wasnt right to sms this after the divorce BUT I just had to. Its killing me. I have to know! He never answered then and he didnt bother to reply to my sms yet.

What do I do? I'm so confused and upset.

First of all I wanted to tell you that this was not your fault! The kind of problems your husbad has is HIS. Not yours. Yes, I agree that you did the right thing! Abuse does not get any better in a relationship or marriage, and can escalate fast. Many women have dide from their abusive husbands, thinking that their man would change , instead the violence only increases and the woman is used as his personal punching bag.

I am certain you were a good wife, you have to separate yourself from your formal husband. Those behaviors were his, and wrecked havoc on your marraige, Your husband is not going to change. Only if he accepts his addictions and Wants to change himself, will he get better.

Try not to be confused over the manner , it was him , all him. You did do the right thing.

It must be very difficult right now to be alone , but their are groups you can join to help. Surviviors of abuse is one of them. Maybe even going into therapy will help you understand better , the choices you had to make. WHen you feel strong enough and whole again you will feel like a new person.

[Leo1954]

Listen

I think you having mental abuse is in a way [not the physical part] a little of the same as physical. Psysical hell yeah get out as fast as you can take kids dog whatever !!

Mental abuse to me in my ex marriage the first one was so bad it takes everything out of your body & my self-esteem was shot and I think some of that is still definitely a big part of what is wrong with me now and I have been divorced from him since 1983. My 2nd marriage still married didn't know this until last month started out Ok but, I now believe that is why my marriage never worked out. With both of these going on you will I don't care who or what you are will always be scarred. I don't want even to date rite now & IIIII will!!!!!!!!!!!!! never marry or live with another man if I'm that stupid then shame on me.

It starts out lonely even if you have kids or not just take your time it will not ever be perfect but it depends on you on how you csan deal with yourself. You can't compare yourself with anybody else on the way you FEEL!!!!!!!!!

[sensitive_woman]

Thanks for replying, mscat and Leo.

My mom in law kept telling me that it is 100% upto the woman to change her husband's way and if she cant do it, she is totally to blame.

I want to believe what mscat said about 'I'm not to blame for his addictions' but the fact remains that, had he been happy with me, he wouldn't have drowned into his addictions, isn't it? I am to blame to some extent because I was not able to change him and his ways. He even kept finding fault with me all the time which means I did not live upto his expectations, though honestly I went overboard trying to keep him and his family happy.

I have decided not to wallow in self pity and get busy. I try to distract myself with a lot of project work for different companies. In the spare time, I make sure I get to watch a lot of movies, go out for dinners with friends (our gang of girls and guys), go gymming regularly, clubbing once a week but in my heart of hearts I just cant get over any of this. I just cant move on. I'm a big failure honestly. My friend even said I try to cover up my own weaknesses by getting 'angry' often. Honestly if anyone tries to ask me about my personal life, it just ticks me off and it shows on my face! What do I do? I just cant get to accept that I AM DIVORCED and this HAPPENED TO ME but I cant move on as I cant accept it and I dont want to talk about any of this to anyone. I dont want to say a word against him because I was bloody well married to him even if it was for 5 years and I honestly loved him, though leaving him was inevitable. I feel horrible right now I cant begin to explain! Life SUCKS!!!! I'm trying to be happy but I'm not!!!

[pseudome]

Like others have said--his problems were by no means your fault. I think the fact that he didn't even resist the divorce says something.

You were together for 5 years--that's a pretty long time. My girlfriend of three years left me last month because of my problems, and as much as it hurt, I can't and don't blame her at all. We're hopefully working things out again, but it's all still up in the air.

How recently did all this happen? Expecting to get over it quickly might be unrealistic. I can imagine the thought of starting up a new relationship after having invested so much in one that failed is overwhelming and may be still for awhile. This might just be one of those situations where time has to pass and all you can do is get through it and slowly climb back to normal.

Take care of yourself! I'm sorry you feel so bad right now.

[sensitive_woman]

Pseudonome,

Thanks for replying. You said "The fact that he didnt even resist the divorce meant something". What did it mean? Why didnt he resist the divorce? That means he was fed up of me, right? He didnt want this relationship to work out? He kept saying some astrologer had told him that he would get divorced at the age of 40 and he did!!! Maybe he was fatalistic and wanted it to happen. I dont know.

The fact that you are acknowledging that you had a problem when you were with your girlfriend is a BIG POSITIVE!!! Acknowledging means half the battle won. Only if you realise there is a problem, will you take steps to rectify it. My husband didnt acknowledge he had any problem. I feel so sad about it. I hope it works out with you and girlfriend. For me, its not easy to move in and out of relationships. Though it broke my heart, I knew that breaking the relationship was the only solution to our problems. He was turning into a monster, which meant it just wasn't worth going on. Each time he was with me, I knew he was very unhappy and not at ease, though I still keep wondering why. One thing I know for sure is that he was never interested in sex and maybe he felt pressured by it. I strongly suspect he was gay. I really hope he acknowledges whatever is the truth someday, only if the acknowledgement is just to himself and no one else. I cant stop feeling wretched. He didnt feel comfortable enough with me to talk to me about what bothered him. I have terribly failed in that area.

I just want to forget about all this and move on. But somehow I havent been able to. Yes, its been recent. I got divorced in Dec 2010, almost 4.5 months now. We have broken up since almost 2 years but I still cant get over all this.

[pseudome]

Pseudonome,

Thanks for replying. You said "The fact that he didnt even resist the divorce meant something". What did it mean? Why didnt he resist the divorce?

I think what it meant was simply that it wasn't worth it to you to try and fix things because he didn't care to. If you had threatened divorce and he begged you not to, then maybe he might be willing to change. The fact that he didn't means he wasn't and that you were doing the right thing divorcing him because it wasn't worth your time to pursue the relationship anymore. Relationships can't be one sided.

I'm sorry you are still struggling with this. I don't know that I really have words of advice, other than to say, we're hear listening to whatever you have to say. Do take care of yourself!

[sensitive_woman]

He did plead me not to leave him and go initially but he made it clear that he would not change his ways because this is how he is. His ideas were that, when a couple gets married, the woman comes to live with the man and changes her last name to his. This clearly means shes supposed to adapt/gel with the guy and his family, not the other way around. This means she has to accept the guy as he is without trying to change any of his ways; be it addictions or anything else. In short, she has to change herself but he will not!

When I disagreed, he said I could go but he would not change. Later he came to apologize but the way he behaved on the last day and said things, snapped a cord in my heart forever. I knew this marriage was not meant to be. He has completely cheated me from hiding a lot of facts about himself from me; right from his first marriage to his addictions. But I am not able to move on or ever trust any guy to have a relationship with!

I guess once bitten, twice shy applies here

[pseudome]

He sounds like a real piece of work. I can't blame you for being wary after that. Perhaps time will ease things, but the trick is going to be figuring out what sort of relationship give-and-take is normal and what is a sign of something bad. Tough stuff. No one should treat you like that. You deserve better.

[malign]

Okay, "twice shy"; that's understandable.

But not infinitely shy?

It's true that you're safer never trying, but you're also more lonely.

"I have terribly failed in that area."

It takes two to communicate. "Failure" is a fairly unproductive way to view it, though. Can it be a learning experience, instead?