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wanting to die, possibly triggering, i dunno


watercolor
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I am seriously thinking about killing myself, haven even taken a couple of steps this evening. I have no desire to live for myself. I cannot conceive of a future for myself (except death). The only thing that has been motivating me to live is my wonderful family and my guilt for hurting them if I were to do this. I love them so much. I hope they forgive me if I do this. I cannot think straight. As much as I love my family, I just don't think it's possible to live for guilt like I have been. I think about suicide so often. I am miserable. I don't know why I'm writing. I've already taken an anti-emetic. For those who hate suicides and might disparage me, I already know I am weak and pathetic. I'm sorry. I cannot think.

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I love them so much. I hope they forgive me if I do this.

They probably love you just as much, I think they will be in to much pain to care about forgiving you.

I hope you dont think im makeing light of the situation but you did mention in another thread that you thought humor is a great defense...Could I maybe interest you in ...http://homestarrunner.com/main9.html

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watercolor

please do what Irma Jean said I am sure alot of us have also thought that we just couldn't go on. I have also felt that way & have atempted it. You have to think of who you love I know rite now you are desperate I understand that. You have a family that loves you & you love them. There is a safe place to go a family member that you are close to, a friend anybody call a hotline there is somebody always there 24hrs. a day. Please do it as soon as possible. Take care of yourself. Let us know how you are doing. OK!!!

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Hi watercolor,

I hope you got some help for yourself. It's true you can't live for guilt very long, it's better if you find a way to see your value as a human being. This is however difficult when you're not thinking straight. I'm sorry you feel so bad, but I hope you agree that it's not a good idea to make big decisions when you're not thinking straight. Also, I think suicidal people don't appreciate much that things could possibly change. What will keep you alive long enough to find out is not to die yet. Take care,

S.

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You know several months ago I was considering suicide myself. I had heavy trauma and convinced myself that my family didn't love me anymore so in a depression I convinced myself that they didn't need me anymore and were better off without me. Thank god I had a sister help guide me through this difficult journey.

Now realizing if I fall apart my family falls apart or what ever feeling I have children somehow know like a radar and they start feeding off my feelings. My eldest son was never home and my youngest son started getting depressed so.

With the depression that I had to made myself feel positive and believe me it was not easy at first and over time my home life started getting better.

Now both of my children feel secure about their surroundings and homelife is alot better. Thank god I havent' done anything to myself because the thought of all this would have left my children devestated and they would felt guilty and I couldn't do that to them. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel :)

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Thanks again, everyone. I'm still pretty freaked out. I have mixed feelings. I feel horrified and guilty that I started doing things, but also wish in a way that I could try again. It seems that I am chronically suicidal. I need to get it out of my head that this is an option, but I'm having trouble with this.

P.S. Yes, I LOVE homestarrunner.com I need to watch that site more often. :)

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