Your Long Winded Friend

[Mardi Gras]

Hello Everybody,

Who am I? 28 years old, white male from the US. My job is the epitome of strength, physical and mental toughness, aggression, and cunning. And I'm great at my job (barf enough bragging)

I'm recently married to the greatest person and most beautiful woman I've ever met.

I found this board about 5 months ago but haven't had the opportunity to read or post anything until now. Like many others, I found it quite a relief to see other people had the same issue I do. I can honestly say the mental anguish I suffer from worrying about the size of my penis ruined my mid 20's. God, it makes me sick that something so stupid has fucked up my life in such a profound way.

Like many others, it started when women started making fun of my penis. Bragging about past lovers, telling me how big they were, telling me mine is small, etc. I feel self conscious about myself because of the thoughts and ideas that my past lovers have put in my head.

When I was 19, before the first girls put this idea in my head, I became fascinated with piercings. A friend of mine back then had a Prince Albert, and I thought it was awesome. About age 21 is when I became obsessed with the diminutive stature of my member. When I was 24 I had 20 (quantity) - 00 gauge (the size, that's 8mm in diameter) Genital Pearls put in along the shaft. I recently cut two out, they were in a bad spot...so down to 18.

Think: studded dildo.

Before I went through with it I had to seriously ask myself if I was doing it to compensate for my feelings of inadequacy, and since I was able to answer "No, I just like this weird shit," I went ahead and did it. 3 months ago I added an apadravya to my collection, that's a barbell through the head, vertically. Find info on these body modifications and more at wiki.bmezine.com. Any questions about my personal experiences regarding my "tool" will be answered with full honesty and in as much detail as desired.

A year ago this week I met the woman that would very quickly fall into place as my other half and later my wife. Amazing the way something like that changes everything. Except the way I feel about myself...shucks.

You know, before her there were countless others. Somewhere like 50 women, and one man. I know I'm heterosexual better than most guys do. lol

Anyway - the last 20 or so women have all said I'm the best lover they've ever had. And my wife...I knew I was the best lover she'd ever had before she told me. I could tell, by the way her body responded to me in every way. She's the best I've ever had too... and to me that says a lot. All of this has helped me to understand the problem is in my head, not between my legs.

But it still persists, this nagging insecurity. Threatening to destroy me...blast.

My wife is very young, but she's been with many guys in her life. Bad upbringing. I shared with my wife a few months ago that often times I felt really insecure about the size of my penis. God damn that was a mistake. The first thing out of her mouth was how many really big guys she's been with, and that her last boyfriend was "huuuuuge". shit that didn't make me feel good. I rolled over and went to bed...brought it up with her again some weeks later, that sometimes I just feel like I'm not big enough and this time I learned about the longest guy she'd ever been with. Why do I know the longest dick my wife has seen is 11"? I don't know why I know this, I didn't even ask. Additionally, the jokes she laughs at making fun of guys with small dicks, her fascination with large phallic symbols, and the type of porn she likes all add to my confusion, frustration, and feelings of sexual inferiority.

In retrospect, I think I was sorta....fishing for a compliment. Not really, I was just telling her something bad about myself and, I don't know, maybe she'd help me with it. She made it worse.

It kinda ruined our sex life, I became pretty disinterested in it after that. Then I had to leave. I haven't seen her (except skype) for 3 months and I won't see her again for 5 more. I wrote to her the other day about how much it bothers me, even in the absence of sex. I wrote to her, "If it doesn't matter to you, Why is it all you talk about?"

Poor thing she's destroyed about it, all she can think about is how she "failed" me, how sorry she is. How she's afraid to loose me to some whore out here that would compliment me (which is preposterous). I sent her flowers the next day and told her how much I loved her. She's such a wonderful woman, just a young and silly thing sometimes.

Recently in my solitude I've realized I harbor a fair amount of resentment towards her for this. It's not her fault, it's the previous women...and it's not her problem it's mine. I'm still really angry at her for it too, and I can't even communicate that to her that because she'd freakout.

I feel trapped because I can't talk with my best friend about any of this.

Because I have to turn to the internet and read comments on random message boards by faceless, nameless women to feel reconciled about the size of my penis, and for help. I ordered some books on Amazon, who knows when I'll get them.

Questions and comments: GO.

[Recluse]

Hi. you are the same age as me. I started hearing from women how important size was when I was as young as 15 so I never had sex with any women but hookers. Sorry that your situation is negative as a result of this.

I personally am of average length but below average thickness which is why I am in the situation I am in.

What is your size? I ask you this because I am trying to determine whether you are average and whether it might be all in your head or if you are generally ass out like myself.

[malign]

"I knew I was the best lover she'd ever had before she told me."

"In retrospect, I think I was sorta....fishing for a compliment."

Hasn't she already given you the compliment? She's with you, right, not the others?

I know the uncertainty goes deeper than that, and probably isn't really about penises. Still ... maybe the relationship (the love and the sex) is a gift you give each other, and who cares what tools you use to accomplish that?

[Mardi Gras]

Recluse:

I intentionally left out my size in my autobio because it's irrelevant to this board, and to the insecurity we suffer. From what I've read and experienced personally, SPS is a mental condition that stems from one's perception of themselves. I am certain there are plenty of guys with dicks smaller than mine and yours that do not feel insecure about it, and there are guys with huge dicks that share our feelings of self loathing over their "lack of..." whatever.

I didn't hold a ruler up next to my penis until years and years after I started feeling like shit. It's bent downward, not Pyronne's Disease but still profoundly (another thing I've been humiliated for), so a ruler wouldn't even measure it right. I never measured it because it didn't matter, I knew it was small because I had been told that so many times. I knew it was a crap example of a human male's reproductive organ because I was informed so by a bunch of women.

When I finally did measure it I wasn't surprised to learn they were right and it just made me feel worse about myself to have empirical data to back up their opinions.

You know, I never paid for sex directly like that. I'm not sure I would've been able to orgasm, I get pretty much all of my pleasure from giving. Did your hookers ever seem like they were actually enjoying it?

Hasn't she already given you the compliment? She's with you, right, not the others?

I know the uncertainty goes deeper than that, and probably isn't really about penises. Still ... maybe the relationship (the love and the sex) is a gift you give each other, and who cares what tools you use to accomplish that?

My wife is with me because of the connection we share and the way I treat her, not because I'm good in bed. I'm sure that if she wasn't pleased with my overall bedroom prowess our relationship wouldn't have moved along so harmoniously, but it isn't a major contributing factor to our union.

I've been told dozens of times my penis was forgivable because I was so good at cunnilingus. I've never been complimented on my penis. It's been something women have said they could "look past" for my other skills in the bedroom and better features. It's humiliating to think that my sex organ has to be excused from a woman's attraction to me. I think the nicer ones just said nothing at all about it.

There was lengthy period of my life when I had several simultaneous lovers and I wasn't having intercourse with any of them. To put it bluntly, I would go over, lick their clit and find large phallic objects in their room (or bring some from home) to fuck them with and most of them never noticed we weren't having sex. They'd be so assed out by the time I was done with them they didn't have the presence of mind (or thoughtfulness) to reciprocate. Most of them thought they were in love with me and wanted me around all the time. I've treated all of the women I've known very well outside the bedroom, too.

That didn't fool my wife, she's better than that. She got upset and after a while refused to let me go down on her. She's the first one to refuse me in that way, and I love her for it.

My penis is fine, "good enough", okay because of something else. None of these things make me feel good about my self. I don't need to be told I'm sweet, I know I am. Or that I'm thoughtful and caring, that comes with patient compassion.

Tell a fat girl, "It's okay you're fat because I don't mind." Tell the one with a flat chest it's okay because she has a cute face. Tell the ugly sister it's alright because she's funnier.

God damn I've never had to accept less than exemplary at anything in life. Taller, stronger, faster, smarter, any occupational field all in the top percentile or better. That which I wasn't born with I've worked at to improve. I just can't seem to reconcile this.

So much of the pain and humiliation verbalized on this board felt like it was coming from my own soul. I want us all to be done with it, I feel like if one of us can break through the ice we can pull each other out.

[IrmaJean]

Sex isn't about measurements. It isn't about judgments. It's about sharing. Ideally, it's about love. Love is accepting and appreciative for what is. The beauty is in watching a person unfold before you and getting to know every part of them... as is.

If it's yours, it's already exactly as it was meant to be. That's part of what makes you you. At least, that's how I feel about it.

[Recluse]

Hey Mardi Gras,

In response to your question, I don't think the hookers enjoyed it at all. My psychology about the situation is a bit different. As I am the size that I am, I can't be with normal women as they have an expectation to be pleased which my girth is more than likely not capable of doing. I am able to feel somewhat secure around hookers as I know they have seen everything and in most cases, don't expect anything of me but payment.

[CantGiveItAway]

My wife is very young, but she's been with many guys in her life. Bad upbringing.

she could have a different way of viewing the importance of a mans size. She might not equate the size of her partners as to being more of a man and a better lover or see it as a bench mark to judge them by. when shes thinking of having sex or what shes looking for in sex her mind maybe couldnt be further away from penises.

I knew it was small because I had been told that so many times.

You couldve been told you were stupid abunch of times too by someone or people or that you were gay, but that doesnt make it so and that there isnt things you could learn to help you in areas you are struggling with or that its something wrong to be who you are.

My wife is with me because of the connection we share and the way I treat her, not because I'm good in bed. I'm sure that if she wasn't pleased with my overall bedroom prowess our relationship wouldn't have moved along so harmoniously, but it isn't a major contributing factor to our union.

Dont you think shes married to you for both of yours overall connection to each other, and that includes how she feels in the bedroom? i doubt she would have married you if she didnt feel that sexual connection to you too and her feelings for you outside of your sex life is connected to the way she feels sexually with you.

Tell a fat girl, "It's okay you're fat because I don't mind."

Tell a fat girl, i dont see you as a fat girl, i see you as the person im attracted to and want to be with.

Tell the one with a flat chest it's okay because she has a cute face.

Tell the girl with a flat chest, you dont need a certain breast size to be sexy or to feel more like a woman.

Tell the ugly sister it's alright because she's funnier.

People dont have the same views as to whats ugly.

[Mardi Gras]

Hey Mardi Gras,

In response to your question, I don't think the hookers enjoyed it at all. My psychology about the situation is a bit different. As I am the size that I am, I can't be with normal women as they have an expectation to be pleased which my girth is more than likely not capable of doing. I am able to feel somewhat secure around hookers as I know they have seen everything and in most cases, don't expect anything of me but payment.

I understand about not being able to please them the way you are. When I accepted I couldn't please women with my penis is when I relized my desire to please them was greater than my desire for my own pleaseure. I relized I didn't need my penis to please women...that's when I started being extremely sexually active without actually having penetrative sex.

I also understand feeling comfotable around your hookers. I have never felt insecure with the total whores I've been with. It's like...it didn't even matter, cause I knew they had somebody the night before and somebody different the night after. I only feel insecure about myself when I fall in love. That part sucks the most. I have to admit I've walked away from girlfriends that I really didn't have a problem with because I didn't like the way I felt about myself.

I got off work today to find my 12g and 10g barbells finally came in. I was very excited. I put the 12 in right away, give it a few weeks then the 10g. Something about decorating it with jewelry makes me very happy.

[Mardi Gras]

she could have a different way of viewing the importance of a mans size. She might not equate the size of her partners as to being more of a man and a better lover or see it as a bench mark to judge them by. when shes thinking of having sex or what shes looking for in sex her mind maybe couldnt be further away from penises.

I'm not sure, to be honest. I would have been more comfortable saying, "No she does not equate it to being a better lover," except when I told her about my SPS (before I knew to call it that) she just went on and on about huge guys. That make me think...maybe in her mind it does equal a benchmark, better lover, etc. Hearing that stuff from her developed a very specific insecurity I feel with her, instead of just a general one about myself.

I'm starting to understand that a significant portion of my stress is coming from the resentment I feel towards her for blathering on about her past lovers in the way she did. I don't understand why she did that, and I'm afraid before I am able to accept any compliments from her I need to understand why she did it.

Also, it puts in me the immobilizing fear that while some women might not care about penis size, she might be one that does.

You couldve been told you were stupid abunch of times too by someone or people or that you were gay, but that doesnt make it so and that there isnt things you could learn to help you in areas you are struggling with or that its something wrong to be who you are.

If somebody or many people told me I was stupid I'd laugh because innumerable standardized tests have proved to me otherwise. Unfortunatly the "standardized tests" for penis size show me that I'm inside or skimming the bottom of the average range in both dimensions. The part about it being wrong to be small is the matter of opinion that has been engrained in me I need to learn to reject.

I'm trying to unlearn it, but I'm having a very difficult time finding something positive to play in my head.

Dont you think shes married to you for both of yours overall connection to each other, and that includes how she feels in the bedroom? i doubt she would have married you if she didnt feel that sexual connection to you too and her feelings for you outside of your sex life is connected to the way she feels sexually with you.

I completely agree with everything you said. She is married to me because of everything. I guess I'm just scared that later on she's going to miss, for lack of a more refiend way to put it, being filled out more. It just makes me sad that I can't do that with myself...that I have to resort to using toys. And it's not the same to her (or any woman) either...feeling a toy inside her and feeling a man is very different.

Tell a fat girl, i dont see you as a fat girl, i see you as the person im attracted to and want to be with.

Tell the girl with a flat chest, you dont need a certain breast size to be sexy or to feel more like a woman.

People dont have the same views as to whats ugly.

I told that fat girls how much I loved their bodies, how good it felt to touch them and hug them, cuddle with them, and how much I hate skinny girls with their bony frames and frail figures. I told the flat girls I loved their ass, or their athletic bodies, and how I thought big boobs were gross and the desire for them was a garbage stereotype fed to us by the media. I told the ugly girls (yeah I said it) that I loved their (pick the feature I know they like) and how much I loved their body because they were...insert feature here.

And it worked really well.

I'd also like to add to this thread that I truly appriciate being able to express myself to people that understand or have similar issues. That alone helps. From the replies I'm also certain that this issue has to really strike home for an individual to make the temporal comittment to reading every word of a long board post. I know I read every word that every person posted on this topic.

Also, having other people cross examine my thoughts helps to break out of what Dr. Schwartz refers to as my "psychological rigidity."

Good night, all.

[Nessie]

I don't understand why she did that, and I'm afraid before I am able to accept any compliments from her I need to understand why she did it.

This kind of stuff bugs me too, why do previous lovers have to mention these kinds of details to us? It might be slightly different being that I'm gay, the comparisons are much easier to make and much harder to avoid taking on when you have the same anatomy - people don't even have to say anything because when you're with another man, you can make the comparison yourself...

Anyway...I don't know that I can answer that question, but I bet your wife could. I would guess though that it's just something people talk about without really thinking why...or at least in the gay world, it seems like it's frequently a topic of discussion with many gays even in casual settings.

I wish you luck in working this out. Might want to think about therapy if you can.

[Mardi Gras]

This kind of stuff bugs me too, why do previous lovers have to mention these kinds of details to us? It might be slightly different being that I'm gay, the comparisons are much easier to make and much harder to avoid taking on when you have the same anatomy - people don't even have to say anything because when you're with another man, you can make the comparison yourself...

Hello Nessie,

I was looking forward to your comment on this thread, among others, as many of your own posts and replies I had read.

It makes sense to me that it would be a frequent topic in your circle...I guess peni (haha plural) are something that you all have in common. I suppose it is a little more difficult in your situation since, as you said, the comparisons are made more easily.

A while back, when I started reading stuff you had written, I became curious about how, if it all, it would be different to be a gay man with the same problem. I think a lot of the heterosexual men (myself included) draw insecurity from knowing that a thicker penis feels better in a vagina, and a longer one too to a certain point. I've gotten anal stimulation from women before, and I know when they use their finger to tickle my prostate it feels good...but I'm certain I wouldn't need anything bigger than that.

Not to trivialize your feelings, but I'm just wondering why it matters to a homosexual man?

I can assume it's the aesthetic turn-on....or just the feeling of being smaller (like being shorter, or less muscularly developed.) But you know what they say about assumptions.

Anyway...I don't know that I can answer that question, but I bet your wife could. I would guess though that it's just something people talk about without really thinking why...or at least in the gay world, it seems like it's frequently a topic of discussion with many gays even in casual settings.

I wish you luck in working this out. Might want to think about therapy if you can.

Unfortunately I can't ask my wife. I mean, I did...I tried, twice... But she sees in me how much agony it causes me and she goes into freakout mode. All she can do is cry and feel horrible and apologize, and feel like she failed me as a woman. It's heartbreaking to see her like that because she is definitely not a failure...at anything. I just can't talk about it with her anymore.

I am most definitely considering therapy as an option, in about 5 months. The only thing that scares me about therapy is the thought the therapist might want to include her.

Sometimes I feel like she married me under a false pretense that I was more mentally stable than I really am, and I feel a little guilty for that.

-mg

[flander]

how much grief do you get going through airport metal detectors?

[Mardi Gras]

how much grief do you get going through airport metal detectors?

ROFL. The beads are surgical silicone, about as squishy as a pencil eraser. So not squishy at all really. The apadravya is new enough I haven't flown yet...guess we'll see over christmas.

[Nessie]

I think a lot of the heterosexual men (myself included) draw insecurity from knowing that a thicker penis feels better in a vagina, and a longer one too to a certain point.

I would think almost no one would prefer a thick penis when it comes to performing oral sex on it, especially if they have a small mouth. It's probably also bad being on the receiving end considering things like teeth don't generally feel good on your penis.

Not to trivialize your feelings, but I'm just wondering why it matters to a homosexual man?

I can't exactly say why it matters to some gay men other than it's probably a certain ideal perpetuated by porn and gay culture in general. There are plenty of people that also claim to not care but I generally find it hard to believe. At least that part is my problem. And I think the other problem I have is that I'll readily make the comparisons myself and knock myself down - no one has to belittle me because I'll do it myself.

Unfortunately I can't ask my wife. I mean, I did...I tried, twice... But she sees in me how much agony it causes me and she goes into freakout mode. All she can do is cry and feel horrible and apologize, and feel like she failed me as a woman. It's heartbreaking to see her like that because she is definitely not a failure...at anything. I just can't talk about it with her anymore.

I guess you just need to be able to move past it then if you can't ask her. I don't imagine it will be easy but the alternative looks like it would be to keep yourself trapped.

5 months seems like a long time to wait for therapy. Is there any particular reason for that timeframe? And as for whether the wife comes along, that's up to you. I'd imagine it could be helpful if the goal is to work things out and get back together.

[Mardi Gras]

.........teeth don't generally feel good on your penis.......

I'm a bit masochist so I don't mind. I can say that I've had women bite me harder than any discomfort caused by a piercing.

I guess you just need to be able to move past it then if you can't ask her. I don't imagine it will be easy but the alternative looks like it would be to keep yourself trapped.

5 months seems like a long time to wait for therapy. Is there any particular reason for that timeframe? And as for whether the wife comes along, that's up to you. I'd imagine it could be helpful if the goal is to work things out and get back together.

Yeah I guess you're right. Hard to forgive somebody for something I don't understand at all. The only way I am able to deal with it is to suppress any sexual thoughts and distract myself with work or hobbies. It seems pretty unhealthy to me. Obviously writing about it on the internet isn't ignoring it, and I have been overall less happy in the past week or two than when I just bottled it up.

The 5 month time frame is how long it'll be before I get back home, away on business at the moment. While my wife and I are physically seperated right now, we are very much still together. There has been no interruption in our relationship.

[TANTALUS]

Hi there, I have been following your posts anticipating your thoughts on how your therapy is going (particularly being gay myself and cursed with REAL sps as opposed to perceived).

Is progress/acceptance actually possible?? Any info would be greatly appreciated. I've been through various talking therapies however NONE that address sps directly so I've simply 'given up' living. I merely exist.

Presently I live in self-imposed isolation/solitude but would try a 'therapy' combined with meditation (as this is Dr.Schwarz's ONLY peice of advice regarding finding peace with it) if it has been proven successful. I've yet to read of even ONE guy it's worked for.

Any thoughts/feelings info on your attempts here would be greatly appreciated. Cheers )

[nearlydead]

Hi there, I have been following your posts anticipating your thoughts on how your therapy is going (particularly being gay myself and cursed with REAL sps as opposed to perceived).

Is progress/acceptance actually possible?? Any info would be greatly appreciated. I've been through various talking therapies however NONE that address sps directly so I've simply 'given up' living. I merely exist.

Presently I live in self-imposed isolation/solitude but would try a 'therapy' combined with meditation (as this is Dr.Schwarz's ONLY peice of advice regarding finding peace with it) if it has been proven successful. I've yet to read of even ONE guy it's worked for.

Any thoughts/feelings info on your attempts here would be greatly appreciated. Cheers )

Tantalus, like me you are phsiycally small. We cannot change our size, we are stuck with it. The only thing we can do is change how WE think about our size, and therefore how we feel about our size. Thoughts create, feelings is the basis of CBT.

However our own thoughts have no bearing on what others say, think or feel about OUR size.

Therapy can help you live with yourself. But once you engage in a sexual relationship you will be exposed and your secret out. This will lead to ridicule, sympathy or at very least they "know" you are small.

To find a "mental" cure for this, we have to accept a life where we can live happily with ridicule, sympathy or even just people haveing the knowledge we are small.

For me there is no cure.

[flander]

unless one wants to take the risk & expense of surgery.

[Recluse]

The risks associated with surgery are too great. For me the only cure is never having intimacy of any kind but just paying for sex with no emotion or attachment on any level on either end. As my monetary situation advances, my sexual situation will advance. The trick is to shut off that desire for intimacy or love with members of the opposite sex. I have to agree with ND regarding the choices of ridicule, sympathy or just having the secret be out. Why would I want to expose myself to that kind of situation?

By the way ND, long time no see, good to see you back on here.

[CantGiveItAway]

Hi Tantalus , Just a couple thoughts I had, but, you said you had various forms of therapy but none that addressed this issue directly. Im not blaming you for them not being helpful but I think its your job to make it known what issues you feel are important or if you feel your not being heard about something. People find different things that are helpful to them, I dont think you have to wait for others experiences to be willing to try and find peace with yourself.......Who knows what youll find helpful if your open to it.

Hey there ND , But if you hadnt changed how you felt about it, how could you say you would know how you would feel from what other people sayings about it. Of course the one you are with will see all parts of you, but I dont think all the women youve been with have thought ridicule, sympanthy, or NOW I "know" when they seen you or were with you sexually.

[nearlydead]

Hi Cant and Rec,

No, your right probably not all of them had the thoughts I think they have, but enough have and my secret has been outed to three social circles, which I then have to abandon due to my shame from ridicule.

Every woman is a smoking gun, they have the knowledge for life, and can ruin your life on a whim. "oh, i just had to talk about it" "I didnt mean anything by it" and so on.

CBT only works with regards to your own thoughts, once the secrets out to the rest of the world ridicule and or sympathy is the only possible result. Therefore no "talking therapy" can ever give us a cure. Unless you can truly believe the thought "I dont care on any level what anybody says or feels about my penis" It is an irrational thought, in direct contradiction with the princilpes of CBT.

Anthony Robbins says "what would you have to believe, inorder to get over your problem" I am at a loss as to what thought I could focus on which allows me to accept the inevitable ridicule, sympathy or "knowing" of others.