Hello

[ExCruceLeo]

My life... is uncontainable. I cannot hold on. What in the world is my life anyway? How am I to live when I can't see where in the world I am. When I don't know up and down... when I don't even know who I am anymore! Who I am, where I am, when was I not like this, and when is it now. I am a person that I don't recognize anymore... I look in the mirror, and I don't see me. My family, and friends... have no idea what I've given up. They can't understand... and now I'm lost to myself, and to them. I don't know what to say here... I've been going in circles, and... I haven't know what to do... in a long time. I don't know how I'm hanging on... I haven't for a long time... I don't even remember when I didn't feel like this.

I hope this email didn't bother whoever is reading this... what more can I do then try to find someone who actually cares?

[SweetSue]

Hi ExCruceLeo,

Welcome

Im sorry you are feeling in so much inner turmoil, and that you feel like no-one cares

I can relate to much you have writen, as Im sure other members here can too.

Im sorry that you feel that you cannot hold on, but please keep trying.

Do you think you would be able to tell your Doctor or Therapist how you are feeling ?

They would be able to offer you the help so that you can start to feel better about things.

Keep talking to us here, we are listening and we care

Take care

[ExCruceLeo]

There's something I would like to explain... I have currently left my home... of which I have lived in for my entire life, to a place that is completely different. Part of where I am now... is something that I have not been used to for years, and the other parts are completely strange to me. The fact that I left my home, in a time where I was hurting incredibly did not help at all. I always feel that I have to prove myself to people. I've been told, that to help people, I need to help myself, when in fact, I've found that helping myself takes concentration away from others for to long. I'm not sure if this sounds strange to anyone... but I have a wish. I want to live in a home... or whatever it is called, where people would help me constantly. I am not mentally stable. I hold on because I have a strong need to help people... but I fall every day.

[ExCruceLeo]

I have no idea if I'm going to get any replies to this. It's not your fault. I am no one anymore. There's nothing that's right anymore... I'm sorry for bothering any of you.

[SweetSue]

Hi ExCruceLeo

Sorry sometimes a post gets missed. It does not mean that you arent someone. Im sorry

It must be very difficult settling into a new area, I know that I have trouble when I move to a different location. It can seem very daunting - especially if you dont know anyone.

You are not bothering any one .

Im sorry it feels that way.

But we are here and are listening

Talk with us ?

Take care

[ExCruceLeo]

I don't like taking attention away from others... where it can be much better placed. How can I possibly go into everything... how can I let go? There's no way back. I don't feel safe around anyone... I feel that I hurt everyone I'm around... I don't even know why my friends stick around with me. There are friends that I've lost... and I don't blame them at all. By coming here, I've betrayed there hopes to try and help me... even though what they suggested could help me... it's something that I've wanted... I chose to do something else so I wouldn't hurt others... but I keep on managing to hurt people... I'm so tired. So incredibly tired...

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi ExcruceLeo,

We are here and we are listening. It just sometimes takes a little time for us. You have not written anything that is offensive in any way.

I noticed one comment that particulary stands out for me:

I need to help myself, when in fact, I've found that helping myself takes concentration away from others for to long.

It's possible that you do not know who you are because your tendencies are to focus on others rather than yourself. Now, I don't know why this happens and perhaps you can tell us a little about the "others" in your life.

Also, have you thought about entering psychotherapy?

Allan

[SweetSue]

Hi

I don't like taking attention away from others... where it can be much better placed. How can I possibly go into everything... how can I let go? There's no way back. I don't feel safe around anyone... I feel that I hurt everyone I'm around... I don't even know why my friends stick around with me. There are friends that I've lost... and I don't blame them at all. By coming here, I've betrayed there hopes to try and help me... even though what they suggested could help me... it's something that I've wanted... I chose to do something else so I wouldn't hurt others... but I keep on managing to hurt people... I'm so tired. So incredibly tired...

You are not taking attention from anyone else here, seriously.

Do you think that you could maybe tell your doctor how you are feeling, or maybe your therapist - if you have one. Because I think that might be a good idea.

Why do you feel you have betrayed your friends by coming here ?

You are seeking help with your concerns, that is all. It dosnt mean you are betraying anyone.

Take care

[ExCruceLeo]

My parents don't know about how I've been feeling... and I can't tell them. The only way they can do what they want right now, is if I stay where I am. If I leave... I'm hurting them, and others... I'm sorry for not putting a lot out right now... I can't think straight... and I don't know what to do.

Allan... I hope it's alright if I call you that.

Would psychotherapy allow me to be in a place where I could stay?... where I could get constant help?... I'm sorry if that sounds stupid... I shouldn't even be asking for it!... I am so angry at myself.

When I say it's not right for me to be here... I mean my physical location. I've left my home... of my entire life in the U.S... and have moved to a completely foreign environment in the Country of China. Before I came here... I was told by a friend that he would help to put me in a place where I could get constant help... I really wanted to accept his offer... but it would hurt others. My parents are teachers here... and the only way they would allow themselves to stay is if I came. I can't leave... I can't hurt them by doing that. Please talk to me... I am... and have been hurting so much...

[pseudome]

I'm sorry you are hurting excruceleo. I don't know that I have much to offer in the advice department except that maybe you should consider that it might hurt your parents more to know you were suffering and they didn't know about it (speaking from recent experience on that one). What do you think would happen if you told them?

[ExCruceLeo]

psuedome

They would yell. They would not let me go... it hurts so much! I don't want to hurt them!... I'm so dizzy right now... I can't think straight at all.

[pseudome]

What is it exactly that's making you feel like you need to be in "a place with constant help?"

[ExCruceLeo]

psuodome. One thing I've mentioned before, is when I look in the mirror, I don't see me... I really don't know who I see. Also... in many times in my life... the latest being last week, I have attempted to commit suicide, also... I haven't actually done it, although I feel myself slipping... I have seen myself... in my mind either hurting myself, or others physically, or watching myself commit suicide in various ways... I can't say how close I've come to physically hurting people...

[SweetSue]

Hi ExCruceLeo,

The image that stares back at you when you look in the mirror - is it distorted in any way ? Is it a friendly image that you see ?

You need to be brave and try really hard to talk to someone about your suicidal feelings - especially if as you say the feelings are becoming so strong that they may become actions.

Please consider going to see a doctor, and if you are not feeling safe go to the hospital. They will be able to help you.

Is there anyone at all, that you can speak with that can sit with you to help keep you safe ?

I know things in your life are very difficult for you right now, but with help they can get better. There are many beautiful wonderous things out there in the world waiting for you to see them and new experiences just waiting for you to discover. Please try and find the inner courage to reach out for help.

You deserve to find happiness. You cannot find it if you are dead.

Keep talking here if it helps.

We are listening and we do care

Take care

[ExCruceLeo]

I have attempted to commit suicide multiple times... those thoughts have been actions for me more times then I can count... again, not telling people about it, as I don't want them to worry, or for them to be hurt. The thoughts that I am struggling to control... are those about physically hurting people... this is not something... in my right mind, something that I would ever do... but I find myself getting angrier... even at the smaller things that never used to bother me before.

As far as the image goes... It's in my mind, and in the mirror all the time. It is like a distorted picture of myself... somebody who is me... and isn't me. A completely different person.

There are people who I want to talk to... but I don't know if they would understand. They wouldn't keep it just between themselves, and me. I don't like it getting out, unless I know that the other person will not talk about it with others... It's hard for me to trust people enough... I'm sorry if I'm bothering anybody with this... I feel like I'm being very difficult, and I'm really sorry about that...

[SweetSue]

Hi

Attempting to kill yourself numerous times, is something you need to try and get help with. I realise that you do not wish to hurt others by telling them about it, I can even understand why you think that. The thing is though, dont you think it would hurt those people more if you dont say something, and then they found out you had killed yourself ?

Is there anything that you can do, differently to try and lesson the anger that you feel, like avoid certain situations. Or walk away as soon as you feel the anger building up inside of you ?

You need to go and see your doctor, allow the doctors to help you. They can help you to feel better. Arrange any therapy that might be helpful to you. These feelings you have are too strong for you to deal with on your own. Doctors have to keep confidentiality, you wouldnt have to worry about anyone finding out anything you dont want them to know.

Please consider seeking the medical help that you need

Take care

[ExCruceLeo]

Sue...

I left the chance behind of getting a Doctor like that. I don't have any full Dr.s here. Also... they all speak Chinese, I speak very little and wouldn't be able to understand what they are saying unless I have a translator... and I'm not sure I'm ready to have anybody except myself talk...

[ExCruceLeo]

I'm sorry... to everyone. I really do want help... and I am listening, but I've been hurting for so long... I want to find the right thing. I'm sorry if you feel like you'r advice is being ignored... I wish I could be healed quickly...

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi ECL,

do you feel it would be good for you to return to the US? I hope you can talk to your parents about the way you feel, because you shouldn't have to give up your happiness, just so that they can do what they want. Do you think it is really that important to them? I hope you find some support. Take care.

[ExCruceLeo]

I hope it's ok... because of other information, I decided to delete this message.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I recommend you delete your real name, since it's not required.

You have already been accepted as a full member and you should be able to post in other sections. It's often necessary that you log out and in again, before it works, but if you still can't access other parts, then we might have to contact a moderator to sort the problem out.

[ExCruceLeo]

Somethingorother

What my parents are doing here... is extremely important to them... that part is hard to go into.

[ExCruceLeo]

I feel such an incredible anger at myself right now... I want to hit something, I want to throw my computer on the ground, and cry!... I am such a moron!

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

What happened? Why do you feel angry now?

[ExCruceLeo]

Just over this whole thing!... I hate it!... I shouldn't feel like this. I'm supposed to be helping people, I'm not supposed to be feeling like this. I am so... angry at myself. I have to be smarter, and stronger then this! I can't allow myself to become emotional like this... I am really... extremely sorry for all of this.