If it weren't for bad, I wouldn't have any luck at all!

[Jenna520]

I am sooooo stressed out. My husband lost his job on July 19th, and so far, the unemployment has started coming in, and no luck on jobs. I'm about as stressed as one can get. Rent is due today. Our bank account is in the negative. I'm having a yard sale, this is the second day, and not even close to getting enough money to pay it. It's been two days, and I've made 40.00. Went to apply for government assistance and they sure are taking their good easy time responding back to us. The electric bill is due in 5 days along with the t.v bill and phone bill. I just don't know what to do. It has upset me so bad I've literally given myself an ulcer.

[Verbally abused?]

If it helps any, you are not alone. I am also in a financial mess. I understand. The government always takes their sweet time! Best of luck to you. P.s. I know what it is like to live out of your overdraft, I did it for almost a year. It was a long time ago, you just don't forget things like that, no matter how much of a lack of memory you have.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry for the financial stress, Jenna. And on top of everything else too... I can relate. My H got hurt at work in June and 7 weeks later we finally got a check...for half of his usual pay...half of which we had to use to pay for health insurance. Times are tough! I'm sorry you're so upset. I hope your husband finds work soon.

[mscat]

I am sorry for all this financial hardship Jenna. Times are very tough for a lot of people. Is there any way you could file for emergency beneifts? That way your family can get some help a little faster. I have had to go on welfare and foodstamps before, and it is no fun . It it scary too when bills come out and their is no money. I hope things can get better.

[Jenna520]

I applied for food stamps about three weeks ago but my husband has a drug conviction from 18 years ago so he has to go get a drug assessment and a drug test. He was able to provide the drug test and passed because he's been clean for years, but it costs 30.00 to get a drug assessment and that's money we don't have. Rent was due the fifth of this month. We have 40 dollars in cash. I don't know what to do. I applied for disability again online, now I've got to find a way to get my medical records to them but there is a fee everywhere you go to get them. I'd have to get them from about 8 different places. That's over 100.00 in fees.

I didn't realize how much I was letting this get to me until yesterday. I've been sleeping a lot, I'm emotionally and physically worn down.

I've been thinking about my brother's death alot the last four days. Not really sure why the grief has flared back up again, but it has. I find myself wondering what really happened, pondering on the autopsy results, questioning his wife's behavior, missing my nieces and nephews, and I wondering how long he was dead before anyone realized he had passed.

I think back on when we were children, I thought he was superman. In a way, I guess I still thought he was superman up until he died. But he wasn't invincible. I miss him, and if I could turn back the hands of time, I'd do so much differently.

I feel like I have a huge storm cloud hanging over my heart when it comes to every aspect in my life. Everything is going wrong. I've just got to find way to get out of this deep depression I'm in.

[IrmaJean]

Jenna, I'm sorry everything is so hard right now. I think it's natural that the stress you're under would bring up more feelings around the recent loss of your brother.

In a way' date=' I guess I still thought he was superman up until he died. But he wasn't invincible. [/quote']

None of us are...and realizing this brings more awareness of our own frailties. While this realization can be shocking, frightening, and upsetting, it may, in time, become something that helps us to have a better appreciation for all that is.

I miss him' date=' and if I could turn back the hands of time, I'd do so much differently. [/quote']

I hear that you are feeling regret. I hope there is also a space in your heart for self-comfort and self-nurturing. You've been through a great deal recently, Jenna. Try treating yourself very gently through this difficult and painful time.

I'm sorry that everything feels overwhelming to you today. I hope your financial burdens ease very soon. Take care.

[mscat]

Jenna,

I know things are very difficult for you and your family right now. RFeading your last entry makes me think that you are falling into a depression. Are you in therapy? I think the extra support would be very good for you. I know that when things are bad or stressful I tend to think about more things that I have not come to terms with , which makes it worse.

Try to focus on the things that need to be done for your family right now. Pondering the death of your brother when things are unstable or rocky is not going to help you feel any better.

About filing for disability benefits, You do not need to obtain yor medical records yourself. What you need are names and address's of all the Dr's you have seen and treated you. This includes therapists, Psycahtrists, MD's , Nurse Practioners. Social Security will get the records for you. I know a very good website to help you through the process , so let me know if you are interested. I am on Disability myself and been through it for my son too. Please take note , it takes time to be approved.

Although your husband may not be elegible for state benefits right now, you and your children could get it right away. I would talk to your lanlord or owner about your financial situation and work something out. Because , not saying anything is going to lead to more trouble. Is their a family member that could help you with this months rent? this is a emergency so maybe so? Ireally hope things are going to be ok for you and your family.

[Jenna520]

I will admit, I am falling into a DEEP depression. Things are not getting any better whatsoever. I finally got the toxicology report, not from my brother's greiving widow, but from the coroner. There were seven prescription narcotics found in his system. Two in his urine, five in his blood. He had been deceased 6-8 hours before he was found. My heart is broken. A lot of things don't add up. I just can't wrap my brain around it. I just know it has depressed me so much.

I'm so tired now that I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I can't afford therapy, because I have no insurance. I have 9 dollars in my wallet as we speak. I was going to therapy before my husband lost his job but that was really going no where. He gave me medicine to help me sleep, but I didn't like the way it made me feel, so I took it once and threw it away. It seems like it's a never ending cycle of getting knocked down, each time leaving me weaker and weaker. I have an ulcer, and can't even go get medicine for that. I emailed my doctor to see if she could call me in something considering the circumstances to help my stomach. I've lost five pounds in the last week.

MScat, I would love the website if you could send it to me. I'm exploring all avenues at this point. I don't understand how my anxiety has completely controlled my life to the point I can't drive or go to the grocery, but yet they think I can hold down a job. I'm disabled. I'd rather work, but I can't. Anxiety is ruining my life along with depression and my other health problems. I'm 27 years old and I feel as though I'm 90. I can't make it through the day without a nap every couple of hours. I barely have the strength to set up on most days. I don't understand a whole lot of what is going on with me. I just know it's not the way I want to live my life. I don't want my kids to see me like this. I know they see my saddness. That depresses me more.

[mscat]

With your family being low income and struggling then I am sure that you will qualify for Medicad. Once you have that you will be able to see somebody. Go to your county welfare department and file for cash aid, food stamps, and medicad. In CA a person can apply for all above all at once. If things get very, very bad please go to the ER, you cannot be turned down for lack of medical insurance.

The Website that I often am on is called Healthboards MessageBoards. Their are many topics on that site, so go to the message boards and under that scroll down to the Disabilites thread. That is all about trying to get your SSI, SSDI or LTD, STD> There are a few people on there that are regulars and have great advice and information.

Being 27 years old you have so much to deal with. Finding out what caused your brothers death is very bad timing. that is way too much and it would be unbearable to hear. I am so sorry . This is just something that has to be hard to know right at the same time everything seems to be falling apart.

I hope things get a little easier, please try and get those state benefits for your family and make sure it is under Emergency aid.

[Jenna520]

Thank you for your kind words and help MScat. I have a ton of things to do tomorrow and make a lot of phone calls. Maybe some sunshine will break through these clouds. Something has to give soon. I've exhausted all my resources as of right now.

I feel like no one understands me around here. My husband doesn't seem to be worried about the bills, a job, or anything like that, meanwhile, I'm driving myself crazy. I have no one to talk to about the grief issues I'm going through. I can't talk to my parent's because I must be their strength right now. He was their son, only my brother. It's got to be much worse than what I'm going through. My husband just says I need to get better now because I have two kids that I need to think about. My best friend has completely stopped calling me the last three weeks and I don't even know why. It's hard to go through a time such as this and feel like you're alone through the whole process.

[mscat]

Jenna, PLease continue writing about tjos here. We will be a support to you. It has to be so hard and painful not to have the support , you are a very strong person. I've your other threads and it is very aparent how strong you are. BUt right now things have piled on top of each other and it is very difficult. When things have been bad for me, the only thing that has kept me going is my son, so i would tell myself I am doing it for him , hanging in there for the sake of my child. It has worked for me when I am unable to go on anymore i pull myself up just for my child. So maybe that is what your husband is saying. I have had to put up with a lot of crap over the years and only got through it because I am a single parent. Financial needs ar so scary though , and the loss of your brother ... I think of my own brother who I am close to and I shudder to think of losing him. He is the only one I talk to on a regular basis and I confide in him so the thought of him not around anymore is too much to bear.

Make those phone calls today and do whta you need to do . Will be here

[Jenna520]

A sleepless night, mainly because I slept all day, partially because of all that's on my mind. Toxicology results came back from my brother's autopsy. The results...... 7 different reasons of why he died. 7! I'm beyond healing at this point. I'm just going to have to settle for suffering with unbearable grief for the rest of my life. My heart is absolutely broken. I feel like I didn't know my brother at all. All that time, and he was just a stranger.

[IrmaJean]

Jenna, I'm so sorry for your stress and pain. This understandably brings up many emotions for you. You may have to feel them all to fight your way through this. I hope you will keep expressing yourself. Have you considered blogging here on the site? I've been doing it recently and it can be very helpful. Take care of yourself.

[Jenna520]

Okay, so the ball is rolling on the SSI. I did my phone interview today. Now I just have to wait for some papers, and then probably evaluated by one of their doctors. My husband has yet to receive his first unemployment check, though they say his been approved, they haven't processed a check yet. He hasn't went to get a drug assessment so that we can start getting foodstamps. Not because he will fail, it's just hard to get him to do anything that is important. He's always been like that. If it carries any sort of relevance or importance, it stresses him out. I don't understand.

Everything is still unpaid, and I'm falling apart at the seams. My dad knows now that it wasn't a heart attack that killed my brother but an accidental overdose. He spoke with me about it for the first time. He's really taking it hard. I'm in a state of shock that anyone would put seven types of Narcotics in their system at one time. Especially methadone, xanax, and Morphine. I've haven't seen the paper's yet so there are two of the drugs I don't know that was found in his system. That bothers me more because I feel like my mom is hiding crap again. She hid his addiction, why wouldn't she hide results. Honestly, at this point, it wouldn't surprise me what was in his system. I will forever more kick myself in the rump for not picking up on the fact he had an addiction. No wonder he didn't come around much or return my calls. He was blown away half the time. If your reading this and sense that I'm angry, yes you're right. I'm angry at myself, my brother, my mom, his wife, and any body and everybody who enabled him to self destruct. I wish I had insurance because now would be a good time to make a visit to my therapist. I'm driving myself nuts. I can't even concentrate to watch television, I'm not leaving the home, I hate everything, nothing brings me enjoyment, and I'm getting really short with everyone unintentionally. My heart hurts. This board is all I have. A blank screen in front of me to and let my fingers do the talking. What kind of life has mine become? This sucks.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sitting with you, Jenna.

I'm sorry this hurts so much.

It's okay to be angry and express your feelings. This is a difficult time.

Keep talking and feeling your feelings.

[Jenna520]

Last night my mother came to visit, because we are going to have a yard sale today and she brought some stuff over. She really seems to hate me. At first I thought it was just me but she pretty well confirmed it when she told me that when she lost my brother to death, she lost her only child and I she did not think of me as her child. She told me her and my brother had a special bond.... and apparently she doesn't feel bonded to me. It made me physically sick to hear my mother say that. She's been saying things for years that always offended me and I often questioned why and how a mother could say those things to their child. But this tops it all. My mother doesn't love me. I lost my brother, now my mother lets me know this, so this leaves me my dad, my husband and my kids that care about me. How do you handle something like this? I've been up all night wondering how, why, when, where, etc. I'm so sad. Before she left she told me she wanted a plaque back that she had given me that was my brother's from where he played baseball and was voted best in the district. Besides items that I had to buy from my sister in law that was his before she sold them on a yard sale, that's all I had of his that he considered special. I just gave it back and never said much because in my head I was wondering why she was being so cruel and how she could be so cruel. Who am I supposed to talk to now. Everyone needs somebody to talk to. My dad worries so much about me and is so emotionally sensitive that I choose not to talk to him. My husband is really hard to talk to. My best friend hasn't called me in about a month, I don't know why. I just don't know. Am I so bad, that no one wants anything to do with me? People find it so easy to use me, discard me like a piece of garbage, or walk all over me.

[Jenna520]

I can honestly say I'm tired of trying. Never in my life have I felt so worthless. What kind of person do I have to be in order to be accepted for who I am. I love people for whom they are, I do not judge.... but I feel like that's all I experience is the judging of others. I can never imagine telling my children the things my mother said to me last night. How am I supposed to take what she said. It's hard to cope with that. It's really something I don't think I'll ever get over. I feel like I've been abandoned. What lies ahead for me I don't know, but with the way everything has been going here lately, I really don't want to know.

[IrmaJean]

What kind of person do I have to be in order to be accepted for who I am.

The person that you are. I'm sorry that your mother has treated you this way.

Jenna, have you tried phoning your friend? Maybe there is an explanation for her silence?

I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope things turn around for you very soon. Take care.

[mscat]

I am at a loss for words... But maybe you can tell your mother how you feel? SXhe seems to be able to say whats on her mind? maybe she is hurting badly too and is not expressing it well and taking it out on you? Her anger, sorrow? It is not ever right to do that to your surviving child/daughter though. But sometimes in times of grief people are not thinking rationally.

I really hope things get better for you Jenna, and your family. i Hope the yard sale helps too. I think you have been through so much , and really hope things get easier .

[Jenna520]

I am at a loss for words... But maybe you can tell your mother how you feel? SXhe seems to be able to say whats on her mind? maybe she is hurting badly too and is not expressing it well and taking it out on you? Her anger, sorrow? It is not ever right to do that to your surviving child/daughter though. But sometimes in times of grief people are not thinking rationally.

I really hope things get better for you Jenna, and your family. i Hope the yard sale helps too. I think you have been through so much , and really hope things get easier .

I too kept in mind that she was grieving and going through something I hope I never have to go through- a loss of a child. But it would be different if she hadn't said hurtful things not this specific, but pretty much saying I'm a pain in her ass and my brother was the only one in which she was specially bonded too. For 27 years, MY WHOLE LIFE, I've dealt with a lot of criticism from her. When I was able to work, she would call my work just to see if I was really working. It's hard to answer 5 phone calls a shift when you're a manager at a retail giant store. God forbid I worked overtime. When I was a single mother, she would spend her time snooping around at my house and asking if she could have things that I had just bought and worked hard to get. (I guess I should mention that she is a hoarder) Nothing I ever did was good enough. Since I was 16 years old she has accused me of drinking and partying, doing drugs! I've never done that in my life. Drinking disgusts me mainly because as a young child I was around my uncles who drank themselves to death. It didn't occur to me at the time, not until after the secret was out after my brother's death about his addiction, did I realize she was just trying to get the attention of my dad off of my brother, and onto me. Having dad thinking I was out of control threw his attention off of my brother, therefore keeping him from figuring it out.

It makes me sick to hear these words from her. It breaks my heart. I have overlooked so much in my life when it comes to the hurt and aggravation she has caused me. But how do you overlook these words she spoke just a couple nights ago. I have loved her unconditionally and still do. I've always clung on to the hope that someday she would change and stop being so critical to me, but that day never comes. Life really hurts right now for me. Loneliness is a really hard thing to handle. With everything piled ontop, it seems unbearable at times. I'm really sad. Hurt to the core.

[mscat]

I was never close at all to the mother who raised me. She was also extremely critical and threatening plus abusive .These days i hardly ever talk to her and moved as far away as i could.

If their was anyway you could separate yourself from her right now because she is only making things worse and more painful, that is what I would try and do.

I am also a single parent, in fact my son just turned 18 , an d he is disabled. i raised him all those years on my own with no support from anyone. I understand how things we worked hard for ar important and for your mother to do that is so wrong.

I know you ar egoing through a very hard time right now, and hope things get better , but I also understand that the grieving process cannot be rushed . When i place myself in your shoes which is not hard to do It is scary and painful.

I am so sorry you have to go through all of this all at once. It all seems unbearable. And I wish their was something I could say to help you feel better.