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Tired of feeling suicidal


Proverbs31:28
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I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts off and on (mostly on) for about 4-6 months now. Some days the thoughts are comepletely consuming and all I can do is think about how, when, where I might actually do it. A couple of days ago, I laid out a whole plan in my head and thought it was a pretty good one. I have failed twice in the past so I feel completely incompetent in my efforts, anyway but, mainly I haven't done anything because of my kids. I don't want my kids to live with that legacy. So, for them, all I do is think and plan and never follow through. But, I am so tired of feeling this way so much. I am on meds, in therapy and followed by a Pdoc, so what am I missing? What is going to help me rid myself of these thoughts for good?

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I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts off and on (mostly on) for about 4-6 months now. Some days the thoughts are comepletely consuming and all I can do is think about how, when, where I might actually do it. A couple of days ago, I laid out a whole plan in my head and thought it was a pretty good one. I have failed twice in the past so I feel completely incompetent in my efforts, anyway but, mainly I haven't done anything because of my kids. I don't want my kids to live with that legacy. So, for them, all I do is think and plan and never follow through. But, I am so tired of feeling this way so much. I am on meds, in therapy and followed by a Pdoc, so what am I missing? What is going to help me rid myself of these thoughts for good?

Imagine being a diabetic. You can either focus on the healthy foods, or the foods laced with sugar. Now imagine you are starving, and you are sitting at the kitchen table staring at a big bowl of ice creme with chocolate syrup all over it. What is going to happen if you focus on that bowl of ice creme? You are going to think of how it tastes, the texture in your mouth... So what will you do? You will probably eat it. After all you are starving, you've taken the time to buy the ice creme and chocolate syrup, and you've taken the time to spoon it out into a bowl.

But what if you remove the ice creme and syrup and you quit buying it. What if you do not allow yourself to get too hungry. You are not focused on the ice creme so much anymore. It gets replaced with other thoughts. So perhaps you might do something else.

I realize that we are not talking about ice creme. I know it is hard, really hard. I've been there (actually I am there now). It is quite difficult to change your mind when you are there. I find that when I am there at that dark place and try to do the opposite, it does not work. It is because I still have those thoughts in my head. I try to push them aside instead of replacing them. It doesn't work that way for me. I find that these thoughts need to be replaced.

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I have always found it an interesting choice to take ones own life. A choice that is reasoned, thought through, and then performed... Fortunately you have not successfully performed the third step. Every time you get to it, you think of how it would effect other people. And then you botch it, most likely intentionally because you do not want those people to live through that. That is good. Typically people who have Suicidal tenancies do not think of other people. No offense to anyone it is a selfish act. The very fact that you are sparing your own life for selfless reasons is a good sign.

It means that the very core of the thought, you take time to consider others. It may be a sign of recovery... But you have to ask yourself, and SERIOUSLY ask yourself, why do you feel this way? Why do you feel that life is not worth living? Once you figure out that answer, it is possible to start working and figuring out how to stop these feelings.

I have to say that the fact that you are coming here, and pleading people to help you is the best sign of all. You do not want to do this anymore, and as the same with any action, you must understand that it is a problem, and you want to quit. The path is going to be long, and hard, and I'm sorry, these feelings aren't going to go away over night. But that does not mean you give up. When you are feeling vulnerable, please, talk to somebody. When you need help, ask. Call a crisis line, better yet call a friend, or even post another thread so others can help you. You do not have to bear this alone, no one should. I for one will be here for you.

- Anonymous

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I have always found it an interesting choice to take ones own life. A choice that is reasoned, thought through, and then performed... Fortunately you have not successfully performed the third step. Every time you get to it, you think of how it would effect other people. And then you botch it, most likely intentionally because you do not want those people to live through that. That is good. Typically people who have Suicidal tenancies do not think of other people. No offense to anyone it is a selfish act. The very fact that you are sparing your own life for selfless reasons is a good sign.

It means that the very core of the thought, you take time to consider others. It may be a sign of recovery... But you have to ask yourself, and SERIOUSLY ask yourself, why do you feel this way? Why do you feel that life is not worth living? Once you figure out that answer, it is possible to start working and figuring out how to stop these feelings.

I have to say that the fact that you are coming here, and pleading people to help you is the best sign of all. You do not want to do this anymore, and as the same with any action, you must understand that it is a problem, and you want to quit. The path is going to be long, and hard, and I'm sorry, these feelings aren't going to go away over night. But that does not mean you give up. When you are feeling vulnerable, please, talk to somebody. When you need help, ask. Call a crisis line, better yet call a friend, or even post another thread so others can help you. You do not have to bear this alone, no one should. I for one will be here for you.

- Anonymous

Thank you for your kind, well-reasoned reply. I have quit asking for help IRL because it really seems pointless. I know I won't follow through so what is the point of upsetting others by mentioning it, kwim? I just wish I could rid myself of the thoughts forever. I made it almost a year in between serious suicidal ideations so I know it is possible. Like you said, I need to figure out how to get back there. That is where I am stuck.

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Hi lifeless,

I understand how you feel, it seems really hard to get the thoughts ideas fantasys to just STOP IT! For me I think one problem is that my mood is back and forth I go a chunck of time fine and then I get depressed again over ??? who knows something and it is like my thoughts pick up where the left off from the previous depressed zone I was in. I get so frustrated even when people or DR 's ask if I think this stuff because I really don't know how to answer without freaking them all out. I think it is easyer to just say NO I don't think this stuff then to really get into it but I suppose that is avoiding. I think in time mabe I hope the topic will get forgoting that days will actually go by without a thought mabe that is what happens? or when the full out depressed whatever it is finally lifts? mabe the mood swings will stop? It is tiring though to have this stuff in the back of your head. Probibly not overly safe either. Just keep pulling yourself up and out of the thoughts that trap you. Find a positive motivator to use in the hard moments, I just try to think of my kids, how much I love them, then I tell myself to STOP thinking this crappy stuff! :) Anyways I hope I helped, mabe it is just all in time. Please take care and tell me if this is ok.

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I too struggle with those "thoughts". I do not know why. My life is great compared to some others. I think a lot of mine is isolation. I think well who would notice? I wonder how long before anyone even knew I was dead. Other than this computer.. I talk to few people. Hubs would just think I was mad... and my friend that does come by and check on me would think I was asleep and come back another day.... But I guess I am getting off topic...

I too would love to not "FEEL" that way. I haven't made an attempt in a long while and I am so happy about that. But I too would love to not feel that way.

When I think about it I have value.... and so do you. And I am soooo glad you would not put your kids through that.

If you don't want to talk to "people" come here and post. WE understand... so many of us have had those feelings... sometimes someone posting... I hear you .. helps a lot....

Hang in there! Gabby

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those type of thoughts cross my mind countless of times, however, I know in my heart i cannot act upon them, so I do something else instead. This is not A thread I am going to say what i do, but, i just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I too get very tired of feeling so sad all the time, and just want to curl up and sleep, never to wake up..... It is not an option for me. Too many resonsabilites keep me from do the final act upon myself. It is easy to give up, and much harder to keep fighting the good fight just to find a bit of peace somewhere in your life.

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