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When is 'when'?


sugarbunny
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I’m not really sure when to say it’s enough, that I need help, or if I’m just like, overreacting.

Lately things have been getting……weird. Life for me has been a little on the odd side since I started having migraines. I had my first when I was 16 (I’m 20 now) it was so intense I thought I was dying or at least had a brain tumor. The doctors blamed it on tension or stress. (They had no idea why.) My mentality completely changed. I went from being a sXe (no drugs, drinking, or promiscuous sex) to experimenting. I became less outgoing and more conserved (no real friends), but more daring and dangerous (drinking, doing drugs, smoking, sneaking out every night, etc.) Things that mattered didn’t anymore, and things I had previously had no interest in were things I wanted.

I blamed it on ‘growing up’ and getting older and wanting to experiment and whatever, teenage stuff; even though I always had this feeling…. ‘something is wrong, something is different!’

I haven’t had a migraine in well over a year. I used to have them about every six months, almost like clockwork. But these past migraine-free months have been freaking me out a little.

Around May/June, I was convinced that workers/bosses at my work were talking about me. It grew and I eventually thought that all the managers were working together to make me quit. This is strange considering I had so much history with them, I opened the restaurant, have worked with them for years and knew many of them on a personal level. My boyfriend (who works at the same place with the same type of relationships with the managers/coworkers) constantly reassured me that it wasn’t true, that they liked me and wanted me there. But I was completely convinced that they hated me, even though I knew it couldn’t be true. So I quit even though the managers tried to get me to stay. I don’t know where I got the idea other than that I heard them talking about me/my job.

In June, I went to a rave with some friends. When we got there I had found out they all took drugs and didn’t tell me. I made a huge scene and accused them of conspiring against me to do it. I screamed, cussed, and ran into the crowd, and ended up taking too much E that night and blacked out until the morning. I was convinced that they were planning on doing that the whole month that we were planning the rave. I still am convinced. Because of that night, I stopped talking to most of those ‘friends’ even though they are all great friend with my boyfriend. When I told my boyfriend about that night, he asked me why I always “think the whole world is conspiring against you when you know it’s not” and gave me examples of my job, my parents, past friendships, and current friendships.

My parents….have been “conspiring” against me or whatever for years. I know this for a fact. When I signed up for school, my teacher “just-so-happened” to be the wife of a good friend/client of my parents. (The class was one that my mom kept suggesting/trying to sign me up for.) My parents would send my cousin in to my work to spy on me. My parents have many friends of cops and I’m convinced they look at my background (it’s clean) to see what I’m up to, so because of this I’m out on the look for cops, no matter what town. Because of all of that, I haven’t talked to my parents for months. It hurts to not talk to them….but I’m just too scared to talk to them for fear of….I don’t know.

Then, lately, the weirder stuff happens. About a month ago, I was driving home from school, and just forgot where I was. I didn’t recognize ANYTHING; my car, the road, where I was, etc. I was so scared I wanted to pull over, but shortly realized where I was, then brushed it off. Soon (couple days maybe) after that, I was driving again and listening to music, a chick was singing. Ok you’re going to think I’m crazy. From the sky the clouds like opened up and this alice-in-wonderland girl came out, then it was over. Kind of like something you’d experience when you’re on acid. (I’ve experiemented before.) Few days later, I was driving a friend home and thought I saw an animal coming on the road, started braking, but when I was just about to hit the animal, it was gone. I couldn’t see what it was, and the girl I was taking home said there was nothing there. Another time I was home alone with my boyfriend, it was like 11pm or later very quiet, and we were waiting for a friend to come over. He went outside to take the trash out, and I heard him stop on his way back and talk to someone. I heard a full conversation, with clear words. They talked about driving here, and how long it took. When my boyfriend came in, I asked where our friend was and what they were talking about on the porch. He said no one was out there. I argued with him and even went outside to look…no one.

So many more things like this happen….every day something happens that I know never used to happen to me, I know it’s different. Like when people talk to me, a lot of the times I don’t remember a single thing they say. My boyfriend and I have gotten into fights because of things I don’t remember him telling me, and he doesn’t believe that I don’t remember. Or at my new job, I didn’t absorb a single thing during training, when I got to work that first day by myself, it was like I had never been there before. When before, I was the type that would read or do things once and they’d stick forever. And I’m starting to think the exact same things about my new bosses/work that I did at my last one; that they are working against me to get me to quit.

I’m not paranoid at all—just really confused I guess. These changes and things don’t scare me, they just make me uncomfortable. However, the more they happen, the more anxiety I get about it, because I’m starting to get concerned that one day I will lose all control and will freak out. I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know where I get any of the conspiring ideas. I AM scared about my migraines though, I honestly feel like if I get one, something huge will happen, but I don’t know what. The feeling is just there.

I thought about schizophrenia after I heard the conversation with my boyfriend, but I don’t hear voices on a regular basis. And the things I see don’t last very long, only a minute or so, or less. But the frequency of when they happen seem to wax and wane.

I’ve NEVER said ANY of this to ANYONE. I’m coming here first—do you think I should say something to someone, like my boyfriend? Or go to the mental health clinic at my school? I’ve heard that people who have mental disorders don’t know/suspect they have one. Does that mean it’s NOT a mental disorder? Am I imagining or convincing myself that I’m experiencing this? I’m not hearing voices in my head, but then again, I don’t know if the way that I think is the same as other people, so it might be all in my head, right? Do you think I am developing something? Do these mental disorders take years, months, or do they come on suddenly?

I just don’t know when is when. I’ve heard about people having a complete mental breakdown, and that’s when they start getting help, but I really don’t want to break down like that, I’d rather get help beforehand. On the other hand, I don’t want the few people I know to think I’m a psycho or something. Can you say confused….:confused:

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Sounds to me like you are right to be worried. I would go see a doctor.

I believe ( and I am NOT a doctor) That my symptoms came on slowly, over time. They started out annoying and then got worse and did eventually end up in several Break downs.. However until recently I would not admit I had a real condition.....

Good Luck

JT

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Sugarbunny,

Thank you for your very clear description of the things you have experienced and your symptoms.

I agree that you need to see either a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist. Yes, something is happening to you that indicates that you are experiencing mental problems. My thought is that you see a psychiatrist first because that is a Medical Doctor who will order medical test for you to go through and, if you are physically healty, will then take the next steps.

There are a few people who, when under extreme stress, do experience auditory hallucinations. However, on the whole, these hallucinations are not normal and are symptomatic of mental problems.

Understand, I do not know and have no way of knowing what is really going on with you.

I can tell you that for some women, migraine headaches might indicate a history of having been abused during childhood. But, this is not true of everyone who has migrains.

Bottom line: Go to a psychiatrist and find out what is happening so that you can start to get help. I cannot say whether you have the beginning of schizophrenia or not. Go and get help, NOW. You are young, help is available and why suffer when you can feel a lot better regardless of diagnosis.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Allan

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Well things have happened like that to me, so do not feel that your alone. For sure, go to mental health services and talk abut what is going on. the changes. It is ok, to discuss it, so you can get the help you need. There is no shame in getting help.

It is better to do it now, because this could become worse for you, not better.

I hop you seek help from A professional, your going to be ok ! just do not wait , or put it off.

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