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Ever feel like you're invisible?


flander

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People often say that I should go out to a club or something similar and have fun. Unfortunately, whenever I do, I end up feeling worse than I did before and regret the entire night because I just hang around and watch other people have fun. I'm ignored whenever I try to talk to some gal and feel like I would have to smack them upside the head to get a reaction. It is as if I'm invisible to everyone except for maybe the cook, panhandlers, or some guy from work wanting to talk about work.

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yea man sometimes, since i left alcohol and trying to leave druggs. Its like different i go to clubs and im sober and i dont know what to do. ppl is yelling and it bothers me and i feel sofocated, so i just go home to sleep. Drinking coke even the girls laugh at me. I used to dance but its like i feel intimidated in the olds days i just danced anything not very good but who cares and i just say stupid things to girls and thats used to be all.

are u shy??

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Flander, do you feel anxious in public situations like this? This is something I have struggled with too, but with some work I am doing much better with this. It can be done. I think it's great for you to put yourself into social situations. Try striking up conversations about topics you are comfortable with at first. Keep approaching and keep trying. Stand up straight and project confidence. Smile. It may take some time, but once you have some success with this, it will build up your feelings of self-efficacy. Little by little, it will get easier. It has for me. Things can get better. I hope you will keep trying. Take care.

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Flander, do you feel anxious in public situations like this?

yes, I suppose so. I'm sort of the same way at parties that for some reason I get invited to attend. It is as if I'm meant to just be an observer. I also don't seem to know what to say until the opportunity has passed.
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yea man sometimes, since i left alcohol and trying to leave druggs. Its like different i go to clubs and im sober and i dont know what to do. ppl is yelling and it bothers me and i feel sofocated, so i just go home to sleep. Drinking coke even the girls laugh at me. I used to dance but its like i feel intimidated in the olds days i just danced anything not very good but who cares and i just say stupid things to girls and thats used to be all.

are u shy??

yes, and it doesn't seem to matter if I drink or not. Staying home and going to sleep would certainly be cheaper, even if I just watch tv and drink beer until I fall asleep.
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i ussually can have nice conversations with ppl i already met before and i feel comfortable, but if i have never seen u before ill salute u and try to talk but ill just feel dum for some reason. So it takes some time for me to get to know ppl. And night clubs are not the place where i can do these. I preffer having dinner with my friends and stuff like that.

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i ussually can have nice conversations with ppl i already met before and i feel comfortable, but if i have never seen u before ill salute u and try to talk but ill just feel dum for some reason. So it takes some time for me to get to know ppl. And night clubs are not the place where i can do these. I preffer having dinner with my friends and stuff like that.

the trouble is most of my friends live at least a few hundred miles away, so dinner with them doesn't happen often.

I'm thinking that I have better things to do than go out to night clubs. They've always been a waste of time and money anyway.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Flander, as you know it can be hit and miss with these things. I recall you having fun going out a while back. I often feel invisible. But sometimes I manage to make things come together. But ultimately you have to have something in common with people for friendships to last. Music, pool, dancing, a sport, whatever. Some singles I know are organizing gaming nights, finding a cycling group, or trying out a new activity. I think the tough part is simply getting started. We get so set in our (self-destructive) ways.

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I still feel invisible in groups people that I have something in common with. It seems like most of the hobbies or activities that I like to do, there aren't any women involved, so if there were any social get togethers afterwards, it would end up just being a bunch of guys sitting around. The last "singles" type event I went to, the women were either much too young or old widows - mostly the latter.

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i do. all the time. in fact im pretty good at being invisable. i spent my entire life being invisable. no one new me. i was just there. it all started before i can remember. every time i let someone in bad things happened. i got used abused abandened. and people close to me got hurt. it was never my falt but i was too young to understand that. you see now i can esily dissapere. when i dont want to be found that is. no one can find me. the thing is im too good at that. when i want to be found im still invisable. when im in a group even with friends im just in the background. i cant bring myself to talk to anyone. not even my closest friend. the most important person in my life. i can kinda talk on the phone. but i cant text ether. im tired of being invisable but no matter how hard i try i cant talk to people. i hide that fact by just saying yep over and over again. and agreeing with every word they say. im afraid ill just relive all my past pain over and over again in every person i let in. i have 4 friends. and over the corse of my life ive has 12 friends. though not all of them were true friends. they only stuck around cause i cant say no. so ive only had 4 true friends through out my life.but thats just me. i guess im kinda in the same boat as you. thats my little ramble thanks for reading.

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This is such a huge problem for so many of us here. I felt the need to see if there's anything helpful out there in the psychology world. I found an article, in the link below which I thought provided some good advice and some helpful explanations as to how 'invisibility' comes about (which are far more empowering than "That's just your personality so learn to live with it" which is a typical response from our parents, who probably caused it in the first place).

The section specifically on invisibility is a little over half way down, but the rest of the article is worth reading too, I thought.

http://www.eruptingmind.com/the-effect-of-parents-on-a-childs-psychological-development/

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so, in a nutshell, how I was raised is the reason why other people act like I'm not there? That doesn't make much sense to me at all.
I know, it can be a little hard to get your head around. But, if you were belittled/ignored/neglected by your parents, then you probably grew up with low self esteem. That often leads to being withdrawn/shy/lifeless/depressed and the feeling that nobody is interested in what you have to say. That leads to being self-conscious, so you're already primed to be socially awkward around people. That makes you different. People tend to avoid people who are different. It makes them uncomfortable. Repeat this pattern over and over again at school, social situations, family gatherings, etc and it gets pretty ingrained. Humans are social animals. We weren't meant to be socially isolated. So being 'born shy' makes even less sense.

I think it can also be caused by abuse or bullying. Also, keep in mind, you may think your parents are perfectly normal. Lots of parents ignore their kids or only love them conditionally. Hence, you are not the only one who feels this way. But that doesn't mean they were good parents. That doesn't mean they gave you what you needed. Good parenting is more than food/shelter/toys/activities. It is also unconditional love and affection, quality time, attention, comforting, empathy, listening etc etc.

Ever watch the movie Ordinary People? It came out a couple of decades ago I think, with Timothy Hutton. I think it did a good job of pointing out that you don't have to suffer blatant abuse to feel invisible/unimportant/ignored. It was a great example of the harm conditional love can cause.

BTW, this is the type of thing therapy helps to reverse. Might be worth considering.

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But, if you were belittled/ignored/neglected by your parents, then you probably grew up with low self esteem. That often leads to being withdrawn/shy/lifeless/depressed and the feeling that nobody is interested in what you have to say. That leads to being self-conscious, so you're already primed to be socially awkward around people.

I can't think of my parents doing any of that. I was certainly more engrossed with math & science than my siblings, so you could say I was the family geek. Most of my teens were spent studying or working (farm chores or part time job), so I would think the lack of social activities during that time would have more to do with it.

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ya. and my perents tried to take care of me. but i put myself in seclusion do to what ive said before a few times on here. id say about 15 year of my life spent alone pushin everyone away. keeping even my family at a distance so i never got abandoned by anyone. i lived not trusting anyone. now i have the socal situation problems i have today. so in essence its my fault that i am the in the place i am. not anyone else.

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Flander/DarknessRules,

If it's not the parents who caused it, something did. If the problem has existed as far back as you can remember, then it's hard to know what caused it. Working all the time sounds like a valid reason why you wouldn't get socialized. Being bullied, having different interests than others, being smarter than others or just not being lucky enough to find that group you fit in with can probably all cause it. I can think of lots of things in my own situation. Neglectful parents, an aggressive bullying sister, growing up in the country with no kids my age close by, possibly even undetected 50% hearing loss after a concussion.

If you think yours is just social anxiety, there are specific group therapies to help with that. Probably not a bad place to start. Or it could just be that parties aren't your thing. If watching a bunch of other people getting drunk and silly isn't your thing, don't beat yourself up over that, find some other social venue. I've been going down to the local pub to listen to a weekly jam session. I've never met a friendlier bunch of people. They're all there for the music, not to get drunk. And I've noticed the same people showing up. Definitely not a meat market. But I'm comfortable enough with the group to go on my own or with others. Not like a typical bar or dance club at all. I guess what I'm saying is - think outside of the box. What would you enjoy that might involve other people? Don't make 'making friends' be the goal, just enjoying yourself.

Having said all that, I just spent a 45 minute therapy session discussing how the hell to get rid of the sense of invisibility I have - even in therapy. Totally unrelated to this thread, just coincidence because of a trigger I had in therapy on Friday. I've tried to find 'proof' that he cares and is interested. I've tried telling myself that since I can't possibly know what he thinks of me, then just decide to perceive that he is interested. Those didn't work, because it can't be 'proven' and my brain won't allow me to perceive something that is the opposite to my gut feel. Anyway, after saying he is 'still with me' his advice is to 'imagine' that I'm not invisible to him. He's also suggested that there is a possibility I don't want to take the risk of being visible as that can just lead to being hurt. Anyway, imagery sometimes works in other situations, so I guess it's worth a try. As to 'choosing to be invisible' to avoid being hurt - possible I suppose, but I think I'd rather risk being hurt than ignored.

I think it's helpful to know what caused the problem so you don't beat yourself up for it so much. Also, if there's a cause - there must be a solution - and that provides some hope. But knowing where 'invisibility' may have come from is only half the battle. Getting rid of it is the tough part. I think the suggestions in the article I posted have some merit. Getting started is my problem. I seem to just be paralyzed into inaction, other than the odd successes that I have (which at least provide some temporary relief).

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Ok, sounds like you want to be alone then. Maybe you should be content with not being with people in that case. But it sounds like in other circumstances you are not. How about keeping track of the two and at least be happy when you've decided ahead of time you want to be alone? Might make you feel better, and the times you don't want to be alone may seem fewer.

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