The death of a family member.

[paula]

I would just like to thank Allan, Mark & all for showing your concern.

I don't really know what I'm doing here? Sat here typing with the tears rolling down my face. I don't know where my head is at the moment.

I suppose it's where my friends are, who know's? After finding a member of my family dead at tea time today, I don't know, I just when to pieces. I just wouldn't believe he was dead? I kept saying to my son, he's just in a deep sleep, I will wake him and the more I shook him to wake him, he wouldn't move. I kept saying to my son he's not dead because he's still warm? Dead people are cold and he's still warm so he's not dead!

Then my son grabbed me off him and told his girlfriend to take me in another room. I don't know what really happened after that, my son took care of all the arrangements.

All I am doing is thinking of when he was alive which is cracking me up even more! I just can't imagine life without him?

It's not easy typing a post through eyes that are blurred through tears!

Strangely enough, I felt drawn to come on my computer and type all my feelings in a post on this site. YET after all what has been going on with me and this site lately. I must apologise for my behaviour of late. I suppose, with all the worrying that has affected me, I just hit out and I'm sorry! I know it's no excuse!

I had the doctor here before giving me the once over. He has prescribed me with ZOPICLONE - 7.5mg (limovan - datolan) for a week. I haven't took any yet. I didn't even know that he was coming? My son must of called him. Thinking of it, I'm not surprised, going of the state that I was in/am still in!

Do you know, I never even thought of it till just now. My son must of been frightened to see me like that. Because I suffer from Manic Depression as well as a load of other Mental Health problems, and I have been really down lately with worry, his girl friend has just informed me that he called the doc thinking that I was going to do something to myself (suicide). The thought never even crossed my mind! But his girlfriend said that it wasn't the present that he was worried about, it's the future.

Well I'm sorry to bore you all with my troubles, but I just felt like talking to some one, and this is where I am. So this site must mean more to me than I thought? Even through my up's and down's, I feel, I love this site and this is where all my friends are. THANK YOU EVERYONE! X

[JustTrying]

Paula... you are in my thoughts....

[Kay_J]

Paula, my deepest sympathy goes to you and your family.

[Proverbs31:28]

You have my sympathy and I am glad your son is there with you to take care of arrangements.

[WinterSky]

Hi Paula, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It is difficult I know. You are not alone in this. Take good care of yourself. xxx

[appleby]

Hi Paula --

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and about the shock that it was to find him. Thinking of you in this difficult time -- let us know how you are doing, we are here for you...

Appleby

[paula]

Thank you all for the concern shown, it is much appreciated! At least I know where my friends are at a time like this, THANK YOU!

Thinking of you in this difficult time -- let us know how you are doing, we are here for you...

Appleby

I will be truthfull with you!

I am not doing to good at the moment! The vision of last night, finding him will not leave my head? The moment I close my eyes it's there, the moment I open my eyes it's there... I really don't know how to cope with it?

My Doctor paid me a visit again today, just to see how I'm coping really? He was enquiring whether I want to see a Councilor, don't know whether I've spelt that right, (not even bothered if I have or not!) At this present time, I don't know what I want? Well I do, I just want yesterday to vanish and never to have occured, but I know that its not going to happen like that! Wishfull thinking hey!

Todays events, feel like the worst day of my life apart from when my dad died!I don't know, I just feel strange? Can't explain it really. A bit like, I'm here, but I'm not, if that makes any sense?

Now I keep thinking, "what are they doing with him now? Where is he now?" Then these thoughts keep coming in my head! "Is he up there looking over at what is going on down here? Can he see me?" It's all questions and no answers, and thats whats sending me of the rails! I just can't accept it!

It's strange really. One minute I'm in tears and then the next I'm shouting abuse at no-one(mid air) things like why has he been selfish and left me here? Why did he have to go? Why didn't he take me with him? Then all thoughts start coming in my head to be with him! Like suicidal thoughts! But at the moment thats all I'm doing, thinking! To much of it really! Haven't even got the energy to talk, not that I want to. I just want to be left alone in my own little world. It might not be the best place at the moment with every thing thats going on in it, but its mine if that makes any sense?

My eyes feel so heavy, but I can't sleep? Don't want to sleep!

Sorry if I'm babbling, but just get the urge to let some of these feelings out, sometimes!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Paula, as awful as it is to have the pictures go through you head and with all of those thoughts, it is really part of the normal process of dealing with these types of awful things.

Yes, we are here for you and are happy to be supportive, especially in your hours of pain and great need.

Stay with us. We care.

Allan

[paula]

Thank you Allan, Thank you all of you, I know you care and thats lovely to know. Especially at a time like this!

Paula, as awful as it is to have the pictures go through you head and with all of those thoughts, it is really part of the normal process of dealing with these types of awful things.

I understand what your saying Allan, I think? But it doesn't seem to get any easier. Its constantly in my head going round and round like a bloody roundabout! I'm sick of it!

I'm terrified of going to sleep incase I don't wake up? These tablets the doc has put me on don't half knock me out! Zopiclone or something? The trouble is they go on working throughout the day, or it seems like they do! I've gone from one extreme of not sleeping to the other extreme of sleeping all the time!

The only problem is, I can't eat! Don't want to eat! I've not eaten anything since Wednesday late afternoon and its now Friday evening? I'm not even drinking either apart from the water I have to take my meds and brush my teeth. The funny part about it is I don't want to eat or drink. I just want to be left alone, to die!

[appleby]

Hi Paula --

I'm glad you are writing here. There are so many different thoughts and feelings that come up with a death, especially a sudden one. It's important to be aware of them and have a safe place to express your grief.

It's pretty normal to have sleeping and eating issues after a death - but it is still important to try to eat something and get some sleep. You are here with us, the living, and you do need both for sustenance...

Take care of you Paula -- you are worth it. and we're here to listen...

Appleby

[paula]

Thank you Appleby and everyone, you have all been BRILLIANT!

Just been given the news today that it's the funeral on Thursday and I'm not looking forward to it one bit!

I am dreading the funeral soooo much because that's when I know that, that's it! If that makes any sense? I know when the funeral arrives, after the funeral, I won't be able to see him again EVER! I know that I may be talking I don't know out of my mind, but I am saying things as they appear in my head!

Enough said at the moment as this is proving to stressing for me, and need to try and stay focused!

Thank you all once again x

[paula]

Hi ALL

Sorry its so late but my son and his girlfriend took me out for a meal tonight with it being my birthday! All w/end I kept saying that I wasn't going. I just didn't feel up to it, what with what has gone on in the past week. Never the less I went.

We had a meal with a couple of bottles of wine, or rather a vineyard, or thats what it feels like now? I haven't drank since xmas/new year 07 so I'm rather drunk! If it wasn't for the fact that it was my birthday then I wouldn't of had a drink but I'm glad I did now!

There's been a lot of weepy moments tonight and at first I thought I wasn't up for it, well I knew I wasn't up for it. But a few home truths has come out tonight, well they say a drunken man always talks the truth don't they?

I explained my feelings to my son tonight. My true feelings! I told him how I was planning something stupid in the way of commiting suicide! He was heartbroken! I've never seen my son cry like that before! He really cried like a baby! And here's me, thinking of myself as usual, telling him how I had got all my suicide planned to be carried out in the next few days.

I can't do it now. How can I? Ohhhhh! I don't know what to do, Please help me!

[xenophon]

Hi, Paula.

You should take care to eat and drink water or tea. keep writing here.

We are concerned about your welfare.

Also, there are grief groups/grief sites on line. There is one called "groww" [ you may google "groww"]. I found it very useful.

You may want to find a professional who knows about grief to talk to.

It is hard.

[paula]

Thank you Xenophon for your kind words.

I will Google them sites/groups when I've finished on here.

The last thing I want to do is eat/drink. Apart from water to brush my teeth and take my meds, I still haven't had anything since last Wednesday. To eat/drink. The meds the Doctor has put me on, just puts me out!

I only carry on taking my meds because they do knock me out, so then I don't have to face/talk/see anyone! Must admit though, I do feel rather light headed and very unsteady on my legs when I do have to spend a penny. I just feel so drained! I never thought about not eating anything? I automatically put it down to the tablets that I've been put on?

I'm not even bothered to tell you the truth! Like I mentioned in a previous post, I'd rather be left alone in my own little world, It might not be much of a world, but at least its mine!

Its been that long since I've eaten or drank anything, it hasn't even entered my head! My body must of got used to being without because I don't even suffer any hunger pains or anything? All I'm doing is sleeping all the time.

I have told my doctor that I won't be taking any medication tomorrow (Wednesday) as I have to attend the Funeral on Thursday, and I don't want to miss it with not being able to stay awake.

Wednesday, I will just get my bearings together for Thursday. If I done without food or water for a week I'm sure one more day won't make any difference? After the funeral, I won't be bothered what happens to me? They can stick me on top of a bonfire if they wish to do so? Just as long as its quick?

[xenophon]

Paula -- you have had a horrible experience. You do need to sleep for now. Expect a lot of magical thinking; you are not crazy; it is normal. The funeral is something to be gotten through. I hope that it will not too difficult.

I have been through this -- more than once. You will get through it.

Take care.

[paula]

Thank you Xenophon.

Paula -- you have had a horrible experience. You do need to sleep for now. Expect a lot of magical thinking; you are not crazy; it is normal. The funeral is something to be gotten through. I hope that it will not too difficult.

I have been through this -- more than once. You will get through it.

Take care.

I really think I need help? I don't know which way to turn without getting sectioned! (hospitalised) I don't want to go back in hospital! I just hope that the doctor has not got anything planned to have me admitted to hospital after the funeral, because if I end up going back in hospital, then I will kill myself!

I have got to sort this one out myself, but I am struggling! I don't know whether its the new medication that the doc has put me on but I think I'm going MAD honestly! I have started seeing things! Visions, shadows, keep thinking I can see things out of the corner of my eye?

MY MIND NOT ONLY WONDERS, SOMETIMES IT LEAVES COMPLETELY! I feel INSANITY is my only means of relaxation....

[JustTrying]

Do not know what to say.. paula.. but my thoughts go out to you.. Hang in there..... WE have a reason to be on this earth... and not trying to be mean.. but If I had a son like yours.. I would want to stick around!!!

Hugs, JT ( AKA GABBY)

[paula]

Hi everyone

Well my worst fears came true! I have just come home from hospital today after a rather long unwelcomed stay for 3.5 weeks. Or is it 2.5 weeks? I don't know? It doesn't matter anyway, it's done now for the time being!

I attended the funeral and yes! I lost it! Lost the plot, so to speak! I thought the coffin was empty so I tried to open it with a hammer, in the Church, while everyone was there! I won't go into detail.

They was going to section me for 6months (under my Psychiatrist instructions) but I informed them that it would be the worst thing that they could ever do? Promising them that the first chance that I ever got, I would defonately KILL MYSELF! So I had to agree to a deal with them! I had to promise that I would stay in Hospital long enough for them to try me with a coctail of drugs, to see what my Skitso Mania calmed down like? (or words to that affect)

I kept up my part of the agreement, so they have to keep to theirs. So here I am!

Now I have got to try and rebuild my life! I know its going to be hard but I've been preparing for this journey! I sure have had long enough?

I have learnt a lot while I have been banged up! (or thats what it feels like?) I have learned to trust no-one! I never trusted no-one before, but this time, I can truly say, I am one of a kind. Like my signature says: "I am uniquely my own individual self, and am special in my own way. I was born to stand out!"

As long as you will have me, I intend to stay on this site, if thats alright? If it is going to cause any problems, just let me know and I will leave, saddened. But will not cause any unduly upset for anyone! So if anyone would rather I leave, then just say? No questions asked?

[kaudio]

Hi Paula, it is very good to see that you are well. Please remember that everyone is very welcome here, and we are concerned for your well-being. I believe the same is true for your friends and family, and the professionals who have tried to help you during your stay at the hospital. One's unique nature does not mean that you are no longer able to trust others, but this does mean that each life is precious and needs to be respected as such.

Please give the words of those around you some credence while you recover. Even if you feel you cannot trust them, you did mention that they kept their side of the agreement regarding your hospital stay.

[paula]

Hi Kaudio

Thank you for the lovely welcome, it was much apreciated! The first one I've had. Was begining to think that I wasn't welcome anymore?

Yeah your right. Feeling like this because of the hospital stay that I've just had that wasn't called for? Well not in my eye's anyway?

Sorry to go off the subject, but I have only just noticed, when I was looking back over your post and what to reply to, that everyone's signature's (image) is not working on this post. Why?

Back to the post. Yeah, that was my biggest fear ending back in hospital and what goes and happens! It must of been pre-arranged, because when I lost it, It was like watching men come from no-where towards me. Men that I had never seen before! The last I can remember was being restrained by all these men and the next thing, I was in a bed, which I knew was not my own, and also restrained. I knew then what had happened! They had me on a Two to One observation 24/7. I couldn't even go to the toilet in peace and had to leave the door open at all times. In-fact I couldn't even shut it as one of the staff always stood there keeping it ajar!

I am trying to move on now, and I know its going to be hard, but I am going to do it! Well I am going to try my damned best!

Cheers for the vote of confidence Kaudio, it came just in the nick of time!

Take care!

[paula]

oooops! Sorry! I must be going mad! I was sure that none of my post had my signature image on them? Never mind!

[Kay_J]

Paula,

Sorry we couldn't respond to you sooner, but really, we've missed you and been worried about you. And I'm glad to know that you are ready to move on.

PS - The hospital experience you've just had sounds awful, to put it mildly...

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Paula,

I want to welcome you back to the community.

Yes, being taken to the hospital and being put in restraints has got to be the most awful of experiences. To be robbed of your freedom is terrifying and terrible. At the same time I am so happy to know that you are safe and back with us. That is something to celebrate. Welcome Back:D

[paula]

Awe cheers Kay & Allan for that! Better stop this, you nearly had me crying for a moment there! Can't be having that can we? It just over welmed me, to think that people care? I've forgotten what that word care meant? Its been sooo long since I've heard/seen the meaning of the word?

PS - The hospital experience you've just had sounds awful, to put it mildly...[code]

Kay I will tell you one day when you've got a couple of spare hours? Believe me when I say that you don't want to go there ever!

ASchwartz	
Welcome Back
Hi Paula,

I want to welcome you back to the community.
Yes, being taken to the hospital and being put in restraints has got to be the most awful of experiences. To be robbed of your freedom is terrifying and terrible. At the same time I am so happy to know that you are safe and back with us. That is something to celebrate. Welcome Back

Do you know Allan, Them few last words meant such a lot!

[JustTrying]

Welcome back paula!!! wondered where you were at!

JT/ GABS