Crushingly alone

[Willpower]

This is the first time I've asked for help or advice here on this forum. In terms of my personal progress, I continue to make strides, but outside factors have turned against me and today I feel worse than I have in months.

Long story short a girl that made herself available to me for basic cuddling has said she doesn't want to do that anymore. So now I am without anyone to be 'close' to. I've still never had a girlfriend, and I have a very limited number of friends (and none are available for anything right now, if ever).

What is painful is the regression, the 'losing' of something I had, beyond just being lonely. I was out just last night to be with friends, but I didn't really get much enjoyment out of it.

It's possible that chemical-based depression is affecting me, I don't know. All I know is I feel incredible despair and I just want to give up on everything. Despite that feeling I know that isn't an immediate danger. A lot of the things I used to enjoy haven't done it for me in recent months, but I thought that was because I was diversifying (that may be true), but all I know is right now I don't have anyone or anything to obviously improve my mood.

[Lana73]

Hi,

What you are experiencing is totally normal. You are lonely and that is why you are depressed.

All human beings are "designed" to have a partner in their lives. The good news are that things never stay the same.

What do you miss the most about your relationship?

[Willpower]

Part of my problem is that I have been lonely most of my life. Things always change, but I never have gotten out of that hole. On the flip side I've only recently gained the 'strength' to start looking for a relationship at all (see my first post here 6 months ago if you want further insight). I suppose going from rock bottom to where I am now in that amount of time bodes well for the future, but there is a strong dread in my heart that things will never truly improve, because I've never experienced that improved state.

I haven't figured out how I feel about the 'relationship' or friendship or whatever. She says she still wants to be friends and I believe her, although I don't know what that friendship will be like or how it will change over time. I am inclined to 'cling' onto that friendship, however, considering all the circumstances.

I miss being welcomed so openly into the caring of another person. I miss the feeling of belonging. And I also miss specific details (just the typical stuff, think all-night conversations and hugs). I understand that part of my loneliness is somehow derived from a 'rite of passage', like if I have a girlfriend and lose my virginity that will somehow validate me as a person, to an extent. But I know that is completely the wrong reason to want a relationship (or that's what I believe is probably true, and what others have said). At the same time I just want to curl up and feel safe and 'cared for'.

[Lana73]

Part of my problem is that I have been lonely most of my life. Things always change, but I never have gotten out of that hole.

I am very familiar with this feeling. Sometimes I feel like things are changing for other people, except me. I personally just try to "pick up pieces" every time I feel like that ,and continue moving forward with my life. It is not easy, but the future holds Hope that things will turn around.

On the flip side I've only recently gained the 'strength' to start looking for a relationship at all (see my first post here 6 months ago if you want further insight). I suppose going from rock bottom to where I am now in that amount of time bodes well for the future, but there is a strong dread in my heart that things will never truly improve, because I've never experienced that improved state.

You have already made first steps trying to change your situation. Gaining strength is a big change and not easy. Things will change, it just takes time and when you are lonely, it feels like they never will for some people, including myself.

I haven't figured out how I feel about the 'relationship' or friendship or whatever. She says she still wants to be friends and I believe her, although I don't know what that friendship will be like or how it will change over time. I am inclined to 'cling' onto that friendship, however, considering all the circumstances.

Don't worry about the outcome right at this moment. She obviously cares about you. If you feel you can be friends for now, then go for it. You are the only one who can decide that. Sometimes though, it is hard to be just friends with someone you have feelings for.

I miss being welcomed so openly into the caring of another person. I miss the feeling of belonging.

At the same time I just want to curl up and feel safe and 'cared for'.

You are an affectionate person and you are missing that a lot. It also means that you know exactly what you want from a relationship and most people don't.

[AmericanPsycho]

You've had it far better than I have. I started to be isolated when I was 9 years old. Never had any friends growing up and still don't to this day. No girlfriends, no real family, never shown any TLC growing up. Always alone on the Holidays. I don't even know how to start or maintain friendships.

Being shut in a room by yourself all the time really screws with your head. You start to see things crawling on the walls. You start feeling things crawling on your body even though nothing is there.

[Merlin]

I can't really say that I know what it is like to be utterly alone, nor what it is like to have hardly any friends. According to facebook I have about 700 friends, but that's a big fat lie. I'm still lonely very often. My mother, my best friend and my ex-girlfriend care for me and I care for them. This makes me a very, very lucky person. You might be asking yourself what is this dude doing here. Is he gloating about how lucky he is? I'm not, I'm trying to be of service. Please be patient. I have not got anyone to be 'close' with right now but, I have had relationships and I am no longer a virgin. I have had three serious relationships and I screwed them all up, because I was incapable of loving the girls I was with.

Anyways, what I really just wanted to say was that Lana73 is right. Being able to love is something of great value. It means far more than whether or not you are a virgin. My ex-girlfriend is exactly the same position as you are in. We're still friends and I care a lot for her, but sometime's she's just very depressed and I can't do much and she misses the times when we were close and I had lots of time for her. Now she has to make due with my weekly or two-weekly visits and I wish I could do more for her, but I can't. The same way I wish I could do more for you, but all I can do is tell you to hold on to your capacity to love for dear life. I'm taking babysteps in recovering that capacity and it's not easy. Being alone isn't easy either, but in a way we are all alone. It's just something I think we must accept. At night in our dreams, in our thoughts, in our emotions, when we are born, when we die, when we fall, when we stand up, we are alone. There's a difference between being alone and being lonely though. The difference is lonely hurts and alone is acceptable.

I'm just rambling and trying to give you my perspective, which is hardly fully developed. I hope reading this has been helpful. I know I didn't really give you any concrete tips about how to meet new people or how to make people like you (something my ex struggles with terribly), but the only real pointer there is be yourself. You'll meet others that are themselves. Ah, such a cliché ... they're often true though..

[flander]

I kinda know how that goes. Other than work or when my kid comes over for the weekend, I'm alone and it's been that way for about 10 years. Failure at trying to meet women always makes me feel worse than before, so I wonder why I even bother.

[Athena]

Willpower, you are certainly not alone in your loneliness - as you can see from the many posts you've received. 'Friends' can be good, although frustrating and maybe more than a little rejecting if you have stronger feelings than that. As I write this, I am hearing the words of my therapist, "Can you not enjoy what you have, even if it is not everything you want at the moment?" I am beginning to think in terms of 'upgrading'. If I can't get things quite right or if I mess up, I am trying to appreciate and enjoy what I have and at least try to learn from each mistake. It's hard, but better than giving up. It makes you think about what is going right and what you truly need and how you need to change to get there.

I have a tendency to listen to music that reflects my mood. Here is a beautiful song that resonates with me when I'm feeling alone. I hope you don't find it too sad and can at least feel like the singer is 'with you'.

[Willpower]

Huge thanks to everyone who provided their stories and advice here! Even though my situation hasn't changed since yesterday, it's a sign of the changing nature of the world that I feel 'OK' today. If more bad stuff happened I'd probably get knocked back down again, emotionally, but at least I'm not on the edge of crying right now.

There's a ton of things I told myself. One thought that had multiple significances was all the free time I have. I'm thinking more of going back to school, getting a part time job, or doing volunteer work to occupy more of my time now, which would keep me more busy and expose me to that many more people. Beyond all that it would provide an extra point of interest or value in dating women and make me less needy to my friends (sheer virtue of having less time).

Another thing I rationalized again was the comradery of you all and others I was reading on completely unrelated forums. There's a lot of lonely people out there, there are a lot of people that aren't too, but reminding myself that I'm not 'alone' in that way is comforting.

Besides the stuff I'm working on, seeing other aspects of my 'path' has been helpful. Sometimes I forget that there is still work to be done, and not to expect results instantly.

[Merlin]

That's right. We are often not patient enough, however a small step in a different direction now, could lead to huge changes later on in your life. I wanted to share with you a book that has been of great value to me, but it only exists in Dutch. At any rate the subject of the book is part of the buddhist eightfold path to enlightenment, it is called "Mindfulness". It has been a great support in my own life and after googling "Mindfulness" I realised it's equal does not exist in English. I'll try my best to explain as simple and powerful as I can. Mindfulness is having a mild, open attention. The keyword is mild. That word is actually the same in Dutch. If you want to know more you can try googling it, I'm sure there is a lot of useful information to be found. A movie/book that bolsters a lot of the lessons of mindfulness is "Peaceful Warrior"/"The way of the peaceful warrior". It's easier to understand mindfulness in a story, the buddhist origin can be difficult to comprehend for the western mind. I speak out of my own experience. Find this story and enjoy it, I think it will bring you courage.