Super anxiety when father around??

[helium]

I've always disliked my dad because of the way he would make me feel and how he would treat me, unlike my siblings, and have always HATED whenever he's around. I mean, incredibly hate when he's around. He's a doctor, so he's usually on call, but on the weekends he's usually home. This is one reason I have really started to dislike weekends, because he's usually around. It's that feeling on Saturday when you wake up early and ready for an awesome day and everything, and then suddenly you hear his voice from downstairs and you immediately feel like shit. I feel that all the time when he's around. I can't do anything, as in engage in any kind of activity. I feel like seriously shooting myself in the head whenever he's around, and even if he leaves the house I feel like his personality is lingering around. If I wake up and never see him at all, everything is great, normal, but whenever he's around, I feel like I'm choking to death. And there's NO way of telling him to fu** of or anything, cause he's super strict and can get angry really easily. Like right now, it's my Thanksgiving Break and I always end up being completely miserable on breaks cause he's home, and then when school comes I feel shitty cause I wasted my whole break feeling shitty. Is there anyway to COMPLETELY block him out and totally ignore even the thought of his presence? Cause it's more than just thinking he's around. I feel extreme anxiety and panic attacks, and he makes me feel really depressed, which then leads to my parents coming up with all these stupid theories on why I'm angry or whatever, which leads to more contact with him. I really feel like dying whenever he's around. Ugh…...

[IrmaJean]

Helium, this sounds very stressful for you. Do you know what you are feeling anxious about? Are you afraid your father will become angry with you and yell? Walking on eggshells all of the time can be very anxiety-provoking and upsetting. It limits your freedom to simply be yourself. I'm sorry you have been feeling this way. Have you ever spoken with anyone about these feelings?

[eppursimuove]

feel the same with my dad, but since im older now i dont even talk to him i ussually see him when his at my grannys home so i just salute if he says something its a fight for sure, so maybe do some activity on weakends if u dont wanna be there, maybe a sport or something out of the house.

[helium]

Well, he has some anger issues, and is slightly bipolar but he does a really good job of hiding it, or covering it up. And my sister, who's one year younger than me, loves him to death, while I like my mom a lot more. However, nobody else seems to acknowledge is problems and the blame is put on me when anything happens. He's really strict and has always done the whole 'not good enough' thing as long as I can remember. I always feel inadequate, never nice enough, never smart enough, never strong enough, never talented enough, never good looking enough, never good enough altogether. He always makes me feel like nothing is worth doing, I feel so lifeless and emotionless whenever he's around. At home, if he's around, it feels like there's a big ogre sitting at the end of the hallway staring at me, waiting to attack. And I'm always scared of him doing something to me. For example, I never go to him if I want or need something, even something like lunch money or change. I feel as if he won't do it anyway, will get mad at me, and there's really no point of trying. I feel no connection at all with him. I've really lost caring about it, like before when I was younger, if he wanted to go riding bikes together or something, I would do it but always something would happen and he would get mad or something, and I would feel horrible. I suppose I've built up this rational resistance to him, where I automatically know that complying with him will result in failure. And then I feel the same way about myself, where complying with myself will end in failure.

I have also have extremely low self esteem whenever he's around, which disables me from doing anything, like fun stuff, homework, enjoying life. This also reaches into everyday life when he's around, like in public or at parties. If I was at a party or get-together and there was a really attractive girl there, I would usually go up and talk to her and enjoy life, but if he's there, I feel like a lowly retard. I can't do anything, literally. Even if I go over to a friend's house where we would usually have fun, if my dad's there or drops by for a bit, I feel unable to operate.

That's all for now.....

[Jenna520]

Hi Helium, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. Waiting around knowing something critical is going to come out of your father's mouth is devastating. I've learned that from experience. It affects your self esteem greatly because one of the people who loves you the most seems to be able to hurt you the worst. Sometimes parents don't realize how harsh they can be when they are trying to get the best out of their child. This could be your father's case? When they feel a child is not giving their 100%, they go about encouraging that child the wrong way, and by that I mean, criticizing the child. My dad did it for as long as I can remember. Even as an adult, I could do nothing right. I'm still young, 28 years old, but I can see that it has affected me greatly when it comes to my self esteem. You should really talk to someone that stands on neutral ground about your problems. If left alone, it could affect the way you feel about yourself for the rest of your life.

Have you tried talking to a school counselor about it? Don't be afraid to speak to someone. Have you tried sitting down and talking with both your mom and your dad, so that your mom can offer you comfort. Maybe your dad just needs some things pointed out to him in order to correct them. It may seem like it, but he wouldn't want to hurt you intentionally, and he may think his ways of reacting to you are helping on a parenting level. I was 22 when I sat down and talked to my dad for the first time. I wish I hadn't waited so long. Just keep in mind, not to be confrontational when you do sit down and talk. Something you say will stick in his mind everytime he goes to say something to you from that point forward.

[Athena]

I agree with what Jenna said. I also think I'd be inclined to google 'conditional love' together with 'low self esteem' and 'poor parenting'. I think you will find a lot of articles that will detail just how devastating his actions can be for a child's future. Then you could surrepticiously leave them somewhere he'll see them. Borderline Personality Disorder would be a good one to google too. He won't want to have to deal with a son who develops THAT problem (often caused by poor parenting). Maybe that will provide him some motivation to change his behaviour.

[helium]

Hi, thanks for your replies. Fortunately, I act really nothing like him and have evolved enough to know that I won't become a person like him, especially one who acts bipolar or borderline, which I'm sure he is. I really dislike his parenting style, and the way he explains or approaches situations. He'll act really nice and stuff, but at the same time really selfish and low and suck out all of the happiness out of it, just leaving confusion and unrest.

Like, pretend I come downstairs and turn on the TV, while he's sitting there, reading something. He'll turn to me and say something negative or get on to me or something about wanting to watch TV, so I'll be like whatever and turn it off and go back to my room. And then he'll be like 'I thought you wanted to watch TV?! Why did you suddenly change your mind??' And it's obviously because of his reaction at first, but I can't tell him that, so I just say 'I don't really want to anymore'. And then he'll get mad at me about something even stupider and go off on his usual tangents and will yell at me and force me to sit and watch TV. Like 'forced happiness', which definitely isn't fun. And it's so mind-screwing, like what the hell dude? Are you mad at me or not?

And one really interesting things that I've noticed is that when he's mad, he has like an imaginary 'list' of 10-15 things, statements, that he pulls accusations and arguments out of when he's mad. Things that are in now way related to anything, but the SAME EXACT things. Like if he starts talking, he could stop halfway and I could finish perfectly for him. I should write it down or something, but it's kinda weird…

And also deep down, although he's well educated (doctor) and lots of people adore him and everything, he's like an immature child inside. Not as in like perverted or goofy, but somewhat selfish, wanting everything to be his way. Like, for dinner one day, pretend he's making some magnificent thing and it's super fancy and everything. And you think, 'Well, that's nice, maybe he's had a change of heart'. But the second something goes wrong and escapes the boundaries of his tightly controlled environment, he explodes and turns rude, super snappy, no fun at all to be around. And then YOU feel like shit because he's made, although the whole point of it was for everyone to be happy. And after a while of this constantly happening on and off, you become numb to all of this. Everything about him, to me, feels so FAKE. Like, I can't seem to believe any of his behavior, it all seems so acted to me, so fake. And that's why I really feel that all of this is in my head. That I could fix everything just by thinking that it's not a problem. But it's so much deeper than that, it's become like an instinct now, where whenever he's around I have a heightened sense of awareness, where I'm on edge without even realizing it. And I feel so BAD.

And with the childish thing, that's why I can't tell him anything. He can't accept the fact that he's wrong, at least not without faking his acceptance. He lashes out and it's just obnoxious and… ugh… He can never be wrong at makes YOU feel like the bad guy, the idiot, the one with the problem. I really have no way right now of coping with this other than just completely completely blocking it out, which has its own problems… Or retaliating back, which makes me look like a stupid rebellious teenager, exactly the kind that supposedly needs this 'disciplining' he conveys…

Thanks for replying also. I feel like I can never truly convey what I'm trying to say without turning these replies into full page length things, but hopefully I come off as somewhat coherent…

[Athena]

Like, pretend I come downstairs and turn on the TV, while he's sitting there, reading something. He'll turn to me and say something negative or get on to me or something about wanting to watch TV, so I'll be like whatever and turn it off and go back to my room. And then he'll be like 'I thought you wanted to watch TV?! Why did you suddenly change your mind??' And it's obviously because of his reaction at first, but I can't tell him that, so I just say 'I don't really want to anymore'. And then he'll get mad at me about something even stupider and go off on his usual tangents and will yell at me and force me to sit and watch TV. Like 'forced happiness', which definitely isn't fun. And it's so mind-screwing, like what the hell dude? Are you mad at me or not?

Sounds to me like once you left, he realized what he did and felt guilty, then to relieve his guilt, he forced you to stay. Trying to make you feel like the guilty one is another way to relieve his guilt. You've provided other examples of that too.

What you are saying sounds very coherent. Sounds like your Dad has some serious mental health issues. I think I'd be inclined to have a talk with somebody he listens to, respects and trusts (your Mom? One of his siblings?) to tell him what's been going on, what your suspicions are and suggest he get help. I agree with you - he does sound Borderline or Bipolar, maybe both. If he doesn't agree to get help, avoidance can work. A friend of mine, who is the most emotionally well adjusted person I've ever met - had horrible parenting. He ended up spending very little time in the house with them, and went out with friends a lot or spent time with their families. I notice he has a habit of spending a lot of time in libraries too. No doubt the only quiet place to get homework done.

You may find this thread helpful, from the 'Living with people diagnosed with a mental illness' thread here at MHN:

http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?t=5513

[helium]

*Sigh*... Thanks, but I still feel so... Unsure... It doesn't sound right that he has a mental illness, maybe cause I associate that with being more extreme rather than something like this... I did think for the longest time that he was really bipolar, but it's hard to believe yourself in thinking that because he has major phases, like he'll be normal for a few months, then get bad again, and during those 'off' months, you begin to seriously doubt your assessment of him, then when it turns bad, you feel bad for not realizing the problem. And also, I feel guilt most of the time because I feel like most of this is just in my head, because my siblings usually are happy with him and enjoy his prescence, although they have also experienced his 'moodiness'...

And with me, I feel like a massive mental block whenever he's around, even if he's not saying anything to me or even near me. Even if he's in the house, I feel horrible. Like, I completely lost all creativity, motivation, drive to achieve anything. I feel like everything is a waste of time. Maybe I was planning on going outside and taking some good photographs or something, even the thought of doing that becomes so empty feeling and I feel like nothing is worth doing. And then when he goes away, I feel horrible for wasting all that time doing nothing and ... Ugh...... I feel so shitty. And that's why it feels like it's all in my head. I might wake up on the weekend, feeling great, ready for the day, but then walk downstairs and see his car in the garage and I feel like someone just shot me in the head. And no matter how hard I try to ignore it, or block it out, even if I haven't seen him yet, I feel instantly like there's this toxic fume/gas lingering around me, choking me. Like I'm trapped inside and invisible cage. And even if he's nice to me that whole day, it doesn't matter. I can't even really control feeling like that, it's like instinct, like if you're home alone at night after watching a horror movie, no matter how hard you try, you naturally feel freaked out......

And it completely destroys all potential to get anything done. I can't do homework, exercise, read, ANYTHING. And I get so frustrated that I can't do anything.....

[Athena]

...he has major phases, like he'll be normal for a few months, then get bad again, and during those 'off' months, you begin to seriously doubt your assessment of him, then when it turns bad, you feel bad for not realizing the problem. And also, I feel guilt most of the time because I feel like most of this is just in my head, because my siblings usually are happy with him and enjoy his prescence, although they have also experienced his 'moodiness'...

Major phases like this can happen with bipolar. In terms of siblings, everybody is different. Perhaps you are the oldest male. Fathers like that are often hardest on them. Perhaps all your siblings are girls, or are more than happy to bend over backwards for him so his wrath is never directed squarely at them. Easier to get along with somebody like that when you don't stand up to them, or when you simply don't engage in his insane arguments. Maybe your siblings engage with their mother more and so have a safety net so that their father doesn't have as big an effect on them. Maybe they spend more time with their friends and their families and so have a bigger support network.

And with me, I feel like a massive mental block whenever he's around, even if he's not saying anything to me or even near me. Even if he's in the house, I feel horrible. Like, I completely lost all creativity, motivation, drive to achieve anything. I feel like everything is a waste of time. Maybe I was planning on going outside and taking some good photographs or something, even the thought of doing that becomes so empty feeling and I feel like nothing is worth doing. And then when he goes away, I feel horrible for wasting all that time doing nothing and ... Ugh...... I feel so shitty. And that's why it feels like it's all in my head. I might wake up on the weekend, feeling great, ready for the day, but then walk downstairs and see his car in the garage and I feel like someone just shot me in the head. And no matter how hard I try to ignore it, or block it out, even if I haven't seen him yet, I feel instantly like there's this toxic fume/gas lingering around me, choking me. Like I'm trapped inside and invisible cage. And even if he's nice to me that whole day, it doesn't matter. I can't even really control feeling like that, it's like instinct, like if you're home alone at night after watching a horror movie, no matter how hard you try, you naturally feel freaked out......

And it completely destroys all potential to get anything done. I can't do homework, exercise, read, ANYTHING. And I get so frustrated that I can't do anything.....

This is the same effect my ex had/has on me. My ex battled for control, couldn't stand losing arguments, always had to get his way even if it hurt his family, played the guilt trip constantly, and was quick to anger. Neither my kids nor I could stand making him angry so we just let him walk all over us. He even admitted he hoped he wouldn't have boys because if he turned out like his Dad, he'd beat them into submission. Fortunately we had girls. I say 'fortunately' but it's not so great for them either because they've simply learned to bend to his will due to emotional abuse and threats of physical violence - a kind of 'learned helplessness' unfortunately.

And, like you - I am triggered by anything that reminds me of him. The kind of person who is so toxic, you'd rather die than have the memory of him constantly replay in your head. And it does completely wipe you out, take all motivation away, ruin days at a time, take your ability to think away, all that. And they use their position of power (threat of violence, abandonment, or punishment that is way out of proportion for the 'slight' he thinks you've done against him). I think I'd be inclined to call your father out, stand up for yourself and see what happens. You don't have to stoop to his level and yell your head off. Just calmly protect your boundaries. My guess is that will turn him into a raging lunatic. He won't be able to stand it. If that results in physical violence, then you can call children's services on him and finally get it dealt with.

Please recognize - this is so NOT in your head. I find running helps. I run with music. Kind of helps to get the nervous tension, anxiety and desire to 'take drastic action' away. And focussing on the music can sometimes get the horrible thoughts out. If it doesn't work, at least I feel like I've done something for myself so that the day I am completely free of his claws, at least I will be fit and healthy and not have to waste another second of my life. If you feel up to it, team sports can be really good. Lots of tension can be released and you may find you feel a sense of 'family' with a team and that may be able to replace your absent one.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds like hell. What role does your mother play in the midst of all this? Can she be a support or do think she is simply a pushover in regards to him? (she may not realize this, so it may be worth observing).

[helium]

See, you say it isn't in my head, and while some of it isn't, I feel like some of it is. For example, on Black Friday, that night, at like 12 AM, my dad took me and my younger sister out shopping, and he was acting completely normal, even somewhat generous. It was really wierd, and then on Friday (we did our Thanksgiving meal on Friday since we went somewhere else on Thursday), he made a bunch of food and seemed great, but for some freaking reason, once we started eating and were happy and talking, he turned really snappy and rude and agressive and just plain mean, but at the same time could suddenly change from happy to angry to childish to mean all in a second. And none of this is diagnosed, I'm pretty sure he has bipolar disorder and anger issues, but nonbody EVER talks about it. And nobody else, outside our family, would ever believe it. He puts on such a good show when he's out in public. And that's what everything he does feels like. FAKE, everything about him is so fake, or so it seems. I can't take any of his behavior seriously anymore, cause I don't know if it's real or not. Even if he's happy and showering us with positivity, I am so numb and indifferent to it, cause I know that it could instead be him acting angry any second...

I've considered recording his 'episodes', maybe just the audio, just to have proof to reassure myself, because he makes you feel like the bad guy. No matter how 'fatherly' he acts, to me he seems like a CEO, running a business, and we're his employees. When business is good, he's good, but the second that there is a defect on the assembly line or a worker stepping out of line, he turns into a dictator, not a father. He seems like a strange man living in our house... just to me though I think. My mom has dealt with his problems also. I like my mom, she's awesome, and coincidentally, me and her are usually the recieving end of his issues. Once, after an extreme episode, I came upstairs to my mom's computer after she had gone and found a page open on bipolar disorder. So I'm pretty sure she knows, but everyone else is so ignorant of it. Like my younger sister, she acts so happy and adoring around my dad, and it extremely pisses me off, because I know that that's the last thing that anyone should do.

All of the rules revolve around him. He's quite male-dominating. No matter what my mom says, if he doesn't even slightly agree with it, forget about it. And he's extremely oversensitive about everything. NO bad words are EVER said in our house. Even words like: Heck, freaking, retarded, suck, balls, etc... Especially cursing. And especially sexual things. My parents have NEVER ever said anything to me or my siblings about: sex, love, relationships, dating, anything sexual AT ALL. I've never had 'the talk' and if we're watching a movie, and there's a girl in a bikini, by dad changes the channel. I mean, WTF? I understand, things having to be appropriate, but it's so frustrating.... He's like a big insecure baby. And he's insecure anyway too... which leads to some of his anger problems...

And lastly, he's really religious and everything, which makes it even worse, because he takes everything to the next level. I have lots of friends who are religous but their parents are normal, but even when my dad is super religious, I'm not AT ALL. And it makes him look like such a hypocrite because he's always rambling about living 'appropriatly' and with 'moderation', but he's nothing like that. And it extremely extremely pisses me off when he starts rambling with 'fatherly advice', because I know that none of it is true for him, he is such a hypocrite in my eyes. I can't take anything he says seriously..... Ugh.....

And yeah, I am the oldest child, a guy. My younger sister is one year younger, and I have a younger brother who's in elementary school.... And everyone talks to me about my dad, like 'Oh, so do you want to be a doctor too when you grow up?' 'You look so much like him!' 'You remind me so much of him!'...And I'm thinking HOLY FU**ING SHIT! STFU!!! , but I obviously don't say it, and it makes me hate myself too.....

Ugh... I really don't know what to think... I always feel so extremely guilty. About everything... always guilty...

[Athena]

Sorry you're in such a crappy situation Helium. None of what you write remotely makes me think it's all in your head. Extreme mood changes can happen in an instant. Or they can be over longer periods. Could be what's going on at work. Could be problems between him and your Mom. Or could be how he was brought up. Or maybe all of the above. He probably hasn't got a clue about what this is doing to you. I have rapid, or weekly massive mood changes. Smiling to suicidal to raging in under five minutes. It's taking a toll on my kids. They were starting to act the same way. I didn't know why at first. But between my therapy and theirs I've figured it out. Things aren't perfect but we are talking, keeping each other in mind when we blow things out of proportion, and apologizing when necessary. Your Dad needs to become aware of his behaviour and the toll it takes on you and your Mom. If he has any shred of humanity, he will change his ways.

[helium]

Yeah, just now, like 10 minutes ago, he had one of his extreme episodes, directed towards my mom, about NOTHING, he just found a boiled egg in the fridge ( I don't want to go into detail). I think it's his childhood, he's the youngest child, so I guess he feels like he's never good enough, or never in control, so he treats us like a game, where he's the absolute ruler and whenver anything goes wrong, he throws a massive 'tantrum' just like a kid. And for me, I actually somewhat... ahem.... 'enjoy' when he gets mad, even at me, cause it makes me feel like I have proof and it's NOT all in my head... but soon, like 30 minutes later, it wears off and I feel like I'm not even sure it really happened. And he has a long way to go from accepting his problems. I've always been genuinely scared of him, not in like an adoring, fearful way, but actually scared of him, which is why I can't connect at ALL with him. He seems like a strange, foreign man who could hurt me at any second. I think I no longer feel like it's all in my head... but I see no way of informing him about it. I can't do it in the car, he might get mad and drive crazily or throw me out, I can't at home cause he could easly hurt me or go up in my room and destroy stuff, I can't out in public cause he'll humiliate us and make us feel guilty for his problems, I can't even in a therapist's office cause when I get home he'll go psycho. I feel like I have no options. I have considered talking to my uncle, who was my dad's oldest brother. They live out of the States though, but that's an option.......

[Athena]

I see no way of informing him about it. I can't do it in the car, he might get mad and drive crazily or throw me out, I can't at home cause he could easly hurt me or go up in my room and destroy stuff, I can't out in public cause he'll humiliate us and make us feel guilty for his problems, I can't even in a therapist's office cause when I get home he'll go psycho. I feel like I have no options.

I presume since you are afraid of physical violence that he has either threatened to hurt you or ACTUALLY has. I'm wondering if he has ever threatened to throw you out of the house, or disown you or not pay for post-secondary education - because if that's the case, he's not only threatened you with immediate physical pain but he's threatened your ability to support yourself in the future as well. Basically, threatened abandonment. To me, that's almost worse than a black eye. Most black eyes heal in a week or two. I don't see a lot of uneducated unemployed folks here getting back on their feet in a couple of weeks. Sorry to bring this up if it makes you feel worse, but threat of abandonment is terrifying for a kid. So much so that it may be something you've suppressed. It's also something that may be why you feel you have no way out.

I have considered talking to my uncle, who was my dad's oldest brother. They live out of the States though, but that's an option.......

I think this is a good idea. I see another option too. It's not something I'd suggest right off the bat, but perhaps it will give you some hope:

Your mother may quite frankly be feeling miserable and hopeless too. If she has sacrificed her career to raise the family, then she's probably worried about how she'd survive without your Dad. Unfortunately I think a lot of women stick around abusive men for this reason. However, if marriage laws are anything like Canada's, I can assure you, the working spouse gets royally screwed over. (I have a role reversal going on so I'm the screwee). It helps that your father is a vain, stuck up, proud man, because he probably wouldn't be the type to quit his job and become a dead-beat Dad - it would hit his ego too hard). Anyway the basic concept of equalization is that assets are split in half (depending on pre-nup and with or without regard to pre-marital assets, depending on the circumstances). Then each spouse is entitled to the same standard of living going forward, so if your spouse is not working, they get half your income until some point in time that they can be trained up to support themselves comfortably or the kids are out of post-secondary school or whatever. I would think lawyers could quite reasonably argue that a man of your father's stature should be paying a good chunk of his kids' post-secondary education. On top of that, he also has to pay child support if your Mom gets custody. Anyway, I'm not a lawyer and I'm not sure what state/country you live in, so take all this with a grain of salt, but I think I'd be inclined to consult a marital lawyer for the following reason:

Out of self-preservation, I'd be (along with your Mom) checking into this stuff. I'd probably try to get financial statements before he notices something may be up as guys like this have a tendency to hide assets, conveniently loan relatives money etc etc. So once you've armed yourself with the knowledge of how you'd fare without him, and if that turns out to be not so bad, then I think you will have the confidence to stand up to him. Right now though, he has all the power. You need to find yours.

[helium]

Yeah, you hit the nail on the hammer. He has thrown me out of the car before on the side of the road when he's gotten mad. Once, he threw me out and my mom voluntarily got out too, maybe cause he might get mad at her too. And we had to walk back home, like a mile, and break into our own house and I climbed through a window on the roof to get in and unlock the door.

During some of his mad, blind rages, he almost always aims it directly at my mom. He's completely blind with rage, so he screams at her at ruining his life, how he hates getting married to her, mocks her parents (who live close by, are cool, and actually like my dad), he says so much Shit to her about being 'just like your mother', making fun of her, actually screaming at her to leave, leave, never come back, referencing some stupid incidents or whatnot. Or threatening to leave, screaming the whole time, 'how will you live without me' 'let's see how much you want to talk to your friends now'. And just like a delusional, blind, deaf person, even when my sister, who he 'loves' and adores is on her knees screaming and bawling, he doesn't recognize it and then aims his anger at her. Actually, all of this was just one major major incident, but he constantly mocks my mom and her parents and relatives when he's psycho.

And something like this may only happen 2 or 3 times a year. But it's just the thought that it might happen again that is so... horrible. And yeah, my mom is educated and went to college (artist, graphic designer), and she used to do lots of stuff before I was born. But since we were born, she's had to give up her job, and recently started doing private, clientelle based work. So about 95% of our income is from our dad. And he's a doctor, all of our relatives, neighbors, community love him. He's an infallible human, peaceful, innocent, loving, calm to them. They always ask about him, etc.... And all of my stuff, basically, is from his money. Even the laptop I'm typing on cost $1000+, which makes me feel extremely guilty. So if he kicked me out or I left or something, he could simply take all my stuff back. Although my most valuable possessions I did recieve as birthday presents. (Legally, does that actually belong to me then?). I have considered buying a safe and storing important stuff in there each night, just in case.

And I also feel so guilty because of this, because he apparently 'loves' me because he's spent all that money on me and then I feel so bad about doing something like this, it seems so hypocritical. But while he's going through something, I feel strong conviction that I'm feeling the right thing, but when he turns back to normal... I feel like I just imagined all of that...... I keep doubting myself... I do have lots of close family friends who live at most an hour away, but some are also friends of my father.....

And currently, I don't feel like I have any 'power'. I feel like a stupid, delusional, bratty failure of a child who..... ugh..... I don't even know........

[Athena]

.... And all of my stuff, basically, is from his money. Even the laptop I'm typing on cost $1000+, which makes me feel extremely guilty. So if he kicked me out or I left or something, he could simply take all my stuff back. Although my most valuable possessions I did recieve as birthday presents. (Legally, does that actually belong to me then?). I have considered buying a safe and storing important stuff in there each night, just in case.

Not a bad idea. Although I doubt he can legally take back gifts, he may try.

And I also feel so guilty because of this, because he apparently 'loves' me because he's spent all that money on me and then I feel so bad about doing something like this, it seems so hypocritical. But while he's going through something, I feel strong conviction that I'm feeling the right thing, but when he turns back to normal... I feel like I just imagined all of that...... I keep doubting myself... I do have lots of close family friends who live at most an hour away, but some are also friends of my father.....

Money does not equal love. And when it is used as a form of blackmail, it can mean pretty much the opposite. Kindness, sacrifice, compassion, appreciation, forgiveness, a deep connection, hugs, spending quality time together, listening, being there for you when you're down - that's love. And apparently, it has to be fairly consistent or the kids will get majorly agitated and feel unsafe and emotionally dysregulated. I went to a 3 day therapy session with my kids, after which the therapists said because I wasn't 'consistent', they'd like to have me spend less time with the kids until I get my crisis resolved. I said, "Well then fine, I'll fake it when I'm having a panic attack and just paste a smiley face on". Answer - "Not good enough!" OK - I think they're a bit off their rocker on one extreme, but your Dad's at the other. I'm nowhere near what your Dad's like and yet they fear my kids will grow up suicidal, self-harming and delinquent. I never threaten them with physical harm or abandonment. If I yell at them, it's for good reason and they know why. My problem is that I let things fester then I overreact and then can't wind down for a few hours (getting better though lately - don't want my kids to end up like me). Or when I'm having a panic attack, I withdraw and don't want to have anything to do with them.

And currently, I don't feel like I have any 'power'. I feel like a stupid, delusional, bratty failure of a child who..... ugh..... I don't even know........

To be expected, given the circumstances. But the operative word is 'feel'. It is not reality. It is the reflection of what's coming back from your father, and naturally as his child, you put a fair bit of weight on it. Kids rely on their parents right from the get-go. They are supposed to believe what their parents tell them.

I hope you and your Mom find your power soon. I'm glad you are there for each other.