Not sure where I fit

[malign]

Well, a full introduction to myself will be too lengthy, so I'll just hit the high spots. I'm new here, and haven't tried support groups before, but I'm a lifelong depressive who has been getting worse the past year or so. I read Dr. Schwartz's articles on suicide, and I would say that by his definition, I have been acutely suicidal since at least last December. I have strong suicidal thoughts (most prominent when arguing with my wife), and I have visited places that would be fatal if jumped from, if you get my drift.

What keeps this from being an obvious depression/suicide post is that I think the basic reason is that my marriage is (at least) borderline abusive. By that, I mean that we both accuse the other of abuse, credibly in both cases. Yet neither of us is really making any effort either to leave or to change.

I committed myself for 9 days last New Year's, but no great therapeutic change occurred. About all I learned was not to go to the hospital (this is obviously my own opinion, and not advice to others.) Problem is, eventually you come out. All it did was give my wife more ammunition for how messed up I am and how I should do things her way more often.

The story could of course be considerably longer, but this is a decent outline of my problem. I've tried therapy several times, and anti-depressants briefly but with little observable effect. Both seem to be threats to my wife, who becomes more difficult to deal with while I am trying them.

Basically, I'm in a cycle that, as cycles do, has no exit except the final one, and the fact that I'm here means that I'm not really ready for that, as welcome as it seems at times.

[malign]

I know it's not proper etiquette to reply to one's own post, but I've gone and done it anyway.

It's been kind of funny sitting here refreshing the screen, hoping for a reply to my earlier post, particularly because I do know that's not how billboards work. I guess I had some unreasonable hopes.

So, it's not that reading articles and some other posts here hasn't helped some, and I'll be curious to read any replies that are made, but I think I may have been looking for something more ... interactive, only this is all I had the guts for.

[Proverbs31:28]

I am sorry you did not get a quicker reply to your post. I usually come on later at night (well, its now early morning here!) when I can't sleep so I've just seen your post.

I feel like I can relate to parts of your post. For one, I have been acutely suicidal on several prior ocassions. When it first started, it was just imagining the act- me driving off of a bridge, etc. Similar to you visiting sites, I guess. I have been fighting off suicidal thoughts for several months and, obviously, so far I have not given in though many many days it is by the skin of my teeth. So, I do understand the longstanding fight with suicidal thoughts.

Like you, when I was married anyway, my suicidal thoughts were most out of control when things were going poorly with me ex. For me, this was because I firmly believed divorce was wrong unless there was sexual infidelity or abuse, neither of which existed in our case. So, to me, suicide was a better alternative. Until I counseled with my pastor and he explained why divorce was allowable in my case. I did leave my ex. It did not solve my depression, my anxiety or suicidal thoughts, unfortunately.

I understand your feelings about the hospital. I have been inpatient several times and though early on I did feel like I got some help, the last stay I had was in late July and it was a complete waste of time. Makes me never want to go back- not that I ever wanted to go before. LOL

I am glad you found our little corner of the web. I am sure you will find others with advice or support here.

[JustTrying]

You said something like ... when you take meds or get help .. it is a threat to your wife.....

Sounds like she is scared of you getting better and leaving her behind. There are all kinds of addictions and bad relationships can be one of them.

I doubt she will go for it.. and yes it sounds like you are depressed to... but perhaps some sort of marriage counsilling?? You can TELL her she can go and complain about you!!! LOL !! But she just may learn something... of course it depends on where she is in her mind.

Sometimes I just have to get mad and Tell Hubs what he is doing that bugs me so much... and SOMETIMES he changes or attempts to.

BUT you do what you need to .. if it means therapy etc.. she will either join in.. or you will learn how better to deal with her .. or worse case senerio... leave her.....

JT

[WinterSky]

I agree with JustTrying. If the relationship itself is toxic, you can either limit contact with her and take your space and/or get a legal separation, or at worst get a divorce.

My experiences with dysfunction isn't with a spouse but with immediate family members like my dad and my siblings. They are toxic and I can only limit contact with them and not talk about my problems with them because instead of listening and supporting me, they are insensitive and want to give advice when I just need to be heard. When one is in these kinds of dysfunctional relationships, one can experience emotional deprivation and self esteem issues; at least that is the case with me. I am okay with other "real" living breathing caring folks out there that are "normal" whatever that is.

Yes I've had to deal with suicidal ideation a great deal before. It's been mostly because I've not been able to handle the crap from my family. If I decide to actually do it, they win. So I don't do it.

Don't let her win! Decide to live and fight it. It's a big decision I know. But making that decision in your mind, and/or in journaling is quite healing.

Welcome to the forums.

[malign]

First, thank you all for answering. I apologize for my impatience; as I said, I know the ways of billboards, that we're all in different timezones, probably, not to mention different places in our lives.

I also don't want to put too much weight on talking about my wife. I'm gradually getting used to the idea that her insecurities and the resulting behaviors, while difficult to deal with, are her problem, not mine. And I'm sure she might well say the same (or worse) about me, though I'm less aware of my own faults. ;-)

Sure, one way to describe our relationship is "addiction"; just another reason that I had a hard time classifying this. She certainly calls me an "addict" often enough, though the only addictions I recognize in myself are caffeine and her. :-) My dad smoked and drank a six-pack a night throughout my childhood, and as a result, I never started either. Can't say he didn't teach me something. So, in many ways, I've managed to avoid a lot of the more direct self-injuries that people practice to divert themselves from depression. That's part of what the hospital staff said when I was there: it didn't seem as if I had any symptoms! I was tempted to reply, "Of course not. Y'all treat me like a human being!" Yah well.

I'm more interested in why I stay, despite my awareness. We've tried therapy, both separate and joint. In fact, she prefers to be there during my therapy. She says that since the problems are in how I treat her, how is the therapist going to know unless they see us interact. I say (privately) that she just wants to make sure I don't say anything about her behind her back. Or, more objectively, that because of her insecurities, it's necessary that she know and be able to counter any "misconceptions" about her.

Then, just as I started to reach out to this forum last Friday, I learned that my mother was in the hospital. One of my brothers had sent me an e-mail to my private account, which I used to register with here but don't visit daily. I've been estranged from my parents since shortly after my marriage six years ago, and they're both quite elderly. I got up the courage to call her, but other than remembering me (her memory has apparently become quite bad) it was a short conversation. She sounded very weak ...

And, I guess, one final warning: part of my makeup is that I have an internal editor, a part of me (now, I should probably be posting in the Dissociation forum, if there is one) that makes me write complete sentences and doesn't need a spell-checker. It makes me sound (and often function) as if there were no emotion, but he's a liar. About that, at least.

And, WinterSky, your advice about not letting her win is sound. I've even used it at times, though it has limited effectiveness when I'm at my most apathetic. I think I'd have to describe my not having seriously attempted suicide the same way my wife has, though with a different emphasis: I don't have the guts. :-)

And yes, I do see that as a good thing.

[sweetcindylouwho]

I for one malign, am glad you didn't jump...as evidenced by my responses to your blog, I look forward to you being around awhile.

I am eager for responses as well, so hopefully we can find some solice in each other's responses.

I always thought I was just a "depressive" =----- for as long as I can remember, back into my childhood, even. But after being told I had bipolar disorder....I really looked at things and especially revealing were some of the screening questions....I answered yes to almost all of the mania related questions, so I guess I wasn't just depressed after all!

Stick around and together we can all help each other see the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train coming at us!

[sweetcindylouwho]

I can soooo relate to what you folks are all saying...

Having experienced depression for so many years, (and being a nurse knowing likely successful ways to do it), I have had peaks and valleys of suicidal ideation. Strangely enough some medications for depression can make that sensation worse...I found this acutely so while taking Paxil. When on that drug I almost obsessively thought of suicide.

From a spiritual perspective, however, suicide is not an alternative. And if I didn't have that "soul knowledge" and intellectual knowledge that my Saviour does NOT want me to end my life, I probably would have done it. Before I was saved, I am not sure what kept me from doing it. While I was a mother it was probably the idea of what it would do to them, prior to that tho, I have no idea why I didn't....God knows - some of the circumstances I was in it was a wonder I didn't die or get killed but God had a better plan, and I think he even brought me to this point. He has greater things for me to do/be, for his Glory to be evident to this world... if I was 5 feet under I couldn't do/be any of that.

hmmm, was that on topic at all? I guess I felt the need to express, hope that was ok...

[carrion]

hi malign,

im not sure if your still checking this thread but I would like to comment as your replies on my thread made me curious about what brings you to this site. I have a bit of experience with depression, my mum was in and out of mental wards when I was young with manic depression etc. From reading your posts it seems to me that this may be circumstantial and that if you were to leave your wife you may feel a huge sense of freedom, before you got with her did you have theses huge bouts of depression? Sometimes when I get depressed I feel like there is no way out and that it is an internal thing that can be changed. Then when my circumstances change I realise it was whatever was going on at the time and I was internalizing it, even minor things like money trouble can be internalized and then blown out of proportion and by this stage your miserable but not even sure why. Although when im really depressed its normally about existential things and I still cant solve that one.

Im not quite sure if your still married but if your not did divorce make things better? If you are still married have you found a coping strategy?