shanrucas Posted December 11, 2011 Report Share Posted December 11, 2011 Hello everyone, I am trying to make a comeback here. I know I have been away and not active in forums for a very long time. So many changes. So many new members and seeing not many of the older members I use to exchange with here..life moves on.My journey of taking care of bedridden mother continues..I just don't know how she carries on..there has been some more progression in her MS..I believe that we heading for some final stages all though it will still be a long time for her..for those who don't know me..she has been bedridden for ten years.I still struggle keeping bipolor in check, learning new tools to help me with this. I feel that I am in a much better state when I joined a year ago. I have let go of fear, despair as best as I can and just go with its moment as it comes..thats all I can do. I notice that as long as I do my best to stay balanced and use the tools that I was shown, it spills over to my mother and she is in a better state of mind..although for her she never truly is in a bad state...she is a love and I am one lucky daughter to have a mother such as she.. so I intend to see this journey through.There are many new people in my life now that give me what I need, which is love, faith and hope..I have had to say goodbye to many who just wanted to keep me in a place of despair..it was hard and I miss some of them..but I have an important job at hand and must keep positive energies flowing...Now as mom sleeps furthre into a mental state where I can not reach her so well I feel I must stay as connected as possible..Still having finacial issues and can't afford caregivers..just people to sit with her as I do errands a couple of hours during he week..Hope to be able to interact more..love to all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted December 11, 2011 Report Share Posted December 11, 2011 It's good to see you here, Shanrucus. What you are doing for your mother is beautiful and compassionate. How wonderful that you have people in your life giving you faith, hope, and love. I hope that coming here gives you the opportunity to connect with your feelings as you share them with us. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted December 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 Thanks IrmaJean for the welcome back. Yes I want to stay connected wherever possible. What is now going on with mom is even becoming more of a challenge as she slips into a place mentally where I can no longer reach her. Our conversations together have become more limited as she withdraws to such a place.I starve for conversation, I have good people around but I still feel the need to fill a void. Especially during weekends. I have recieved wonderful support from those in my life currently and have a need I guess to pay it forward whenever possible. I know in my heart that there are going to be more dark days ahead. But I do my best to keep moving forward and staying away from this dark place as best as I can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 You can always come here for conversation and support. I imagine that even if your mother doesn't understand your words at times, she draws comfort from your presence and tone of voice. One can always hope.Take care of yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted December 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 Today not so good...mom is like a child crying out and saying weird stuff and its so difficult..its her mental status that is worsening..and I am doing all I can to keep my mental status from slipping.Not sure if it was a good idea to try and come back here or not...feeling some isolation everywhere at the moment. I know its temporary and just the effects of the situation. But its damn difficult when I have to listen to her in this state and their is no one to talk to when I need.....ok...just feeling a little sorry for myself. Tomorrow is another day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eppursimuove Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 ive passed the same stituation than urs i think, my mom is ok now but she when she gets a crissis i try to control the situation and i make sure we go to the mental hospital, i once had to call the police to carry her to the mental hospital. She has said every posible insult that exists, and then she just imagens ppl or voices.i hope i dont end like that, if u ever whant to talk just post i think its a good idea u came back here. nice to meet u. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted December 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 Nice to meet you Ep, I guess its been so long that I have posted here and there are so many new members so I forget not everyone knows the situation.My mother suffers from MS. She has had it most of her life..worked till retirement despite..It got to the progressive stage ten years ago and she has been bedridden that long. She has always been my rock, and I have been fortunate to have such a loving mother, lost my father back in '93. It is just me and her now, no other extended family members seem to want to help. I made the decision to keep her home and have been caring for her since. It has just been this last year that the MS has progressed even further, this time its the lesion on her cognative part of her brain...its like she caught between two worlds now. This is what has me so heart broken at this time. She depends on me for everything..she cannot move on her I must repositon her every 2 hours or so. She doesn't have much income anymore..my fathers retirement paid for mortgage and caregivers and I was working in the beginning but got laid off..father retirement is gone now..and its just her income now. Been through many attorneys, human services etc....she doesn't make enough to pay for in home caregivers..but does make to much to ever qualify for medicaid which would pay for such things as well as supplies...so thats a quick sum up of everything. I chose to do this and will continue to see it through to the end.I came here over a year ago, and started many posts..I have lived with bipolor 2/ PTSD..I have learned many tools to help cope..been on meds off and on..off now cause I cannont afford it..but I have help currently that is helping me keep balanced when needed..a wonderful person has donated her time to help me through. I have lost a relationship I was in when mom declined.guess he wasn't a friend after all, that all said and done ten years ago. career as a crime victim advcate which I was so very proud to be a part of, funding got cut. Also no longer able to be active in my fire dept. I belonged to. I only get out a couple of hours during the week days..that all we can afford for someone to stay with her.Despite it all..I continue on..I am actually in a bit of a better place mind and soul wise..it just hard right now to deal with this part of her progression..it was bad enough to watch her loose her mobility..but now she is slipping into a semi concious world that I cannot always reach...she still comes to the present at times..its just brief however as compared to a few months ago.Sorry to go on and on..I am just trying to stay connected wherever possible when it gets to be so hard to listen to her..she calls out for my grandmother and grandfather all the time and wants to go home..I have to constantly remind her she is home..this helps for a bit. There is nothing more that can be done at this time. When it gets to the point where she will need some heavy dose of drugs thats when we are at the end stage..with MS..it effects the breathing..the drugs will no doubt bring it to an end...just not there quite yet..as long as she has some good days..I will do what I must.so there it is..and here I am again.Shannon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eppursimuove Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 Oh shannon ur brave and a wonderful person ive seen many ppl in mental hospital that familys just leave them and never come back or they only visit them 2 or 3 times a year. I go there for my illnes , ive seen a man that was always in bad days and dindt event say a word and dindt harm anyone, i once whent he had couple of good days after several months, and he saluted me and we start a conversation hes a great person his mentaly ill and abandoned by his family, the last time i whent when i was leaving he told me plz if u see my sons tell them to visit my for crissmass. I felt so bad.So maybe ur mom can have lots of bad days, but its probably worth for 1 good dat with her daugther that loved her so much. One day life will pay u back.U have human quality, i would like to know moré about u in the future.Thanks for ur example, and i hope everithing works for u. Strenght and patience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted December 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 Thank you for your response Ep, don't mind if I call you that..your id name to long for me to keep typing it all the time LOL. I am comforted by the fact tha I know that what I am doing is exactly what I am suppose to doing at this time in my life. I have learned alot from it and continue to learn. My Aunt had convinced me on the onset of my mothers progression that the best place for her was in an adult foster home..there were other clients there that suffered from alzhiemers..and since mom didn't and could not move about at all on her own the staff were constantly having to chase the other clients about and my mom became depressed and had sever bed sores...it wasn't a bad place but thats how it was.. I was happy to bring home to the house she worked so hard to get on her own...and to this day I am proud to say she has no sores whats so ever..its hard, but I always keep in mind that it so worth it when she can smile at me..so yes several bad days are worth the one good day.Today is a new day who knows what it will bring.. I live in the moment and don't think past that. I will be able to take a break today and go out to see my horses that I still somehow have manage to hold on to, they bring me such peace of mind, so perhaps today will be a better day.I love that you connected to that gentlemen who apparently needed a friend..thats testimony to your charactor..Shannon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Misty Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 Hello lovely, and welcome back!Really good to hear how u are. Stay strong! KArma owes u big time! I'm still waiting for my big thanks from it lol! But I'm sure it's coming! XXXxxxxXXX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted December 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 Misty!!! Good to hear from you, I hope all is going well as it can for you...Yes..can't wait for a little Kharma to come this way...I guess patience is the key though right?I needed to start reconnecting wherever possible again, cause I found I was starting to isolate myself from all things again like last year..I cannot do that..I must stay connected somehow...so yes..Im baaaaaaack. :eek: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 Hi Shannon,Welcome back. Thanks for bringing us up to date on your story and the background. I have a reeeeeally bad memory. Anyway, I do remember you. There was one particularly long thread in the lounge that was quite a bit of fun - I think around this time last year. I have heard so many stories of hardship from caregivers. I'm fortunate my brother was there for my Mom (now she's in a nursing home, but she was home for a long time with Alzheimers with my brother taking care of her until he got ill himself). I tried taking care of her for 3 days - totally wiped me out. And I thought my kids were tough! I had no idea. She's 89 now and none of us are capable of taking care of her but she's in a wonderful place and all three of us kids and my sister's stepkids get in to see her quite frequently. So - hat's off to you for being so dedicated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted December 14, 2011 Report Share Posted December 14, 2011 I wanted to stop by and say good morning. I would be happy to help you stay connected. I think I remember you having dogs. How are they doing? (I'm hoping my memory is okay here. ) Take care today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted December 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 14, 2011 Morning Athena and IrmJean, No your memories are quite entact actually..well ok at least as good as mine maybe...lolYes we had some good times in the lounge, and yes..I have three quite active terriers that need quite a bit of excercise and remind of this everyday. 2 Jack russells, Ringo and Richard and 1 cairn Zach. They are my kids. Also still have three of my horses, use to have four..but had to sell my beloved Shea, she was quite beautiful. But I couldn't afford to keep any longer..it is still a pain in my heart about that. I practically gave her away..she was sold to original owners when she was a baby for $7,000. I ended up selling her for $700.00. Thats how the economy is..they are even making it legal again to slaughter horses, because people are just turning them loose and letting them starve or worse. Its heartbreaking..I have my Arabians still and good people who are helping me keep them.I was able to sell my vintage 1958 fire engine, got twice what I paid for that and I am currently trying to sell my Alpha Romeo Spider, sports car..I no longer can have such things..and have come to a point to sell all my belongings. Piece by piece..but all and all..with each thing that is sold off...comes a little less weight to carry on my shoulders...the idea of a simple life with less material things to worry about is becoming more attractive.Over the last few months I have met some wonderful people that have offered help when they can. I had to look deep within myself and open my own heart up to recieve all that has been coming to me to get by. Its still a struggle, but learned to look at things from a different perspective has truly helped. I no longer suffer the amount of anxiety and fear I did this time last year. Not going to lie...I still have days where I just don't feel I can stay in balance..but keeping mind that its a temporary feeling gets me through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Misty Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 Misty!!! Good to hear from you, I hope all is going well as it can for you...Yes..can't wait for a little Kharma to come this way...I guess patience is the key though right?I needed to start reconnecting wherever possible again, cause I found I was starting to isolate myself from all things again like last year..I cannot do that..I must stay connected somehow...so yes..Im baaaaaaack. :eek:Patience is definitely the key to karma!! I'm doing fantastic at the moment! Bipolar....what bipolar??? hahaha!!So pleased u decided to reconnect hun. We're all here for you, as you have been for us! I assume I can speak collectively! lol!! Have you anything nice planned for christmas? Will it just be you and your mum? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted December 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 No special plans for Christmas...just me and mom again, but that is quite alright by us. We don't have to worry about the hustle and bustle if you know what I mean.Feeling up myself these last couple of days too..haha..oh well, just take it as it comes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eppursimuove Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 yea thats the spirit, feeel great take care of ur mother eat something maybe talk and thats its, its just another day.im like the grinch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted December 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 yep epp, lol I like that yep epp.. yes I do like to keep away from the chaos of it all.. I don't necessarily think I am a grinch..I just don't like the whole shop till you drop thing and have to here to there..etc. I prefer a peaceful quiet day of it. Just do as I please and just relax. I am doing what I can to simplyfy my life, I think sometimes us humans tend to want to compicate things way to much.. I know I have, so working on changing that. Oh how I dislike having to go into town during this time of year..I just want to scream at the top of my lungs at everyone...JUST SLOW DOWN!! We hurry and scurry about so much anymore we miss the beauty that is still around us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted December 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2011 Well here it is...the last day of 2011. It has been a year of choas, cartharsis, learning and spirituality. Just hoping 2012 will bring even more enlightenenment and perhaps more peace of mind. To old friends and new Happy New year." Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change- this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress." ~Bruce Barton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted December 31, 2011 Report Share Posted December 31, 2011 Wishing you a peaceful new year filled with hope and light, Shanrucus. Take care of yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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