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Grieving through Christmas


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Tis the season..... to grieve. I've been sitting here in the dark staring at the tree for over an hour, trying to keep my sobs at a minimal level so not to wake anyone. I have been blessed and have so many things to be thankful for, yet I'm sitting here letting grief suck the life out of my holiday. I've lit a candle in remembrance, said a prayer, had a "conversation" with my brother, even made a christmas arrangement out of things I've had left over through the years and put it on his grave, but I can't find an ounce of peace. I feel guilty because I feel like my grief is interfering with my children's Christmas. Sure, I can hold myself together, but my daughter is old enough to recognize the far off gazes and sad empty eyes..... she knows my heart is broke even if I paste on a smile.

I said I would be glad to get all the firsts out of the way.... the first time of experiencing something without my brother alive, especially the holidays. With Christmas upon me, and my daughter's birthday as well, there's two more firsts I'm experiencing.

There's a deep sadness within me that feels like it's sucking the energy from me. I can almost hear my heart breaking, beating so slow like it's just too broke to beat anymore. I am experiencing the same feelings-- an overwhelming sadness and cloudy fog- that I experienced right after his death. I should be counting my blessings...... I really, really should.:rolleyes:

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I'm so sorry you're hurting, Jenna. :rolleyes: It could be the holidays are stirring some painful reminders for you. I'm here and listening. I hope you can find some way to comfort yourself today. Can you connect with a happy memory of Charlie and of your time shared with him? It may be too difficult for you today. I hope you can be gentle and patient with yourself during this painful time. Take care, Jenna. I hope your pain eases and you feel some moments of peace today.

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I am very sorry that you are hurting. Holidays are very difficult to get through when someone is still grieving. Maybe you can try to focus on positive things in your life which is your family, your beautiful children.

You brother is always going to be a big part of you, it is just that you are not used to living without having him in your live. I am sorry:(

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